Partner can't get over my termination

[Greenginghamdress]

Bit of a background:
I have one DD (5 next month)
It was a huge struggle in the early months and I had post partum psychosis and terrible underlying depression.
I fell pregnant by accident when my daughter was 18 months old. I terminated after discussion with my partner who agreed at the time it was the right decision. I don't think we could have coped. I don't regret the decision.
However ever since that day, my partner has thrown the decision in my face.
Over 3 years later, his technique to deal with it is go to the pub, come home drunk and play the terminator music loudly on the Bluetooth speaker. Because I am 'a terminator' apparently 😭 (I only had a termination at 19/20, years before I met him) and have a good at me.
He's spoken to friends, family, I've tried talking to him every which way. He can't get over it.
He says I ruined his life and killed his dreams, and my DD will never have a sibling as it's my fault.
FIL died this week so he's in a bad place mentally although he's been like this before, plenty of times.
I slept on my daughter's floor last night as he was drinking and shouting downstairs and I didn't want him to disturb us. He's been up all night drinking and crying.
I feel bad for him but I'm starting to hate him too.
What would help, counselling? It feels like psychological torture sometimes the way he is with me.

Please don't even think about having another child with him if he goes to counselling. You need to leave. He won't get better and will always hold it over you- a a way of controlling you.

He sounds like he has a drink problem to boot and is using your termination - a decision you made together - as an excuse to take out all his rage and anger on you.

He should be supporting you, you made a tremendously tough and selfless decision. Please get things in order and get away from him. He is abusing you. You do not need him in your life.

Do not consider another child with him.

Report to the police
Record him shouting and being abusive if you can safely
Report everything
Keep a journal / diary / notes on your phone of days times and incidents and threats he has said. Or use this tread here to record them.
Get your finances sorted. Get. Copies of his salary / bank statements and copies of mortgage deeds on the house etc.

Finally - you might find you have more support then you think, my friend lived in a simila marriage, we all saw that her DH was an abusive twat, but wanted to support her, but he alienated her, when she tried to leave she reached out to us, we were so relieved ans were able to help her.

Morning OP. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. A difficult decision for any woman made 100 x more difficult because of this abusive POS.

I'm going to hazard a guess and say I imagine your partner wasn't the most wonderful partner after your daughter and most likely made you PP worse?

Practical advice.

You need to ring women's aid or domestic abuse charity.

They will take a statement, this statement can either be passed to a solicitor or you can do it yourself

You have the option of many court orders

1 for a non molestation order (so he can't come near you or abuse you if deemed appropriate)

An occupation order - this will ensure that he has to leave the property, in terms of mortgage something like it can't be sold until the DD is 18.

Child arrangements order. Deciding where the child would live.

Or OP. You can ask to be put in a refuge, you might have some difficulty with benefits because you're a home owner but you will still get help.

Also freedom course. - if it is safe to access from home. This will help maybe list some abusive behaviour that you might not be aware of. When I did it it was like a light bulb.

You can do it online.

The website is
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Username - freedom
password - control4me

All lower case. (Can be a bit fiddly)

Good luck. You're welcome to message me.

Mental and emotional abuse is JUST as important as physical abuse. The difference is physical abuse is normally the one that the police are called about and then they unravel 100+ types of abuse afterwards.

I'm seething in anger for you.

He is obviously struggling but that is not your problem.

He should be supporting you, not trying to destroy you.

You have to end this relationship.
This will not get better and the resentment towards you is just going to continue and get worse.

It is not fair to your other child that they are living in this house.

Tell him the relationship is over and ask if he wants to buy you out and if not he needs to find somewhere else so you can sell it.

He he no respect for you and thinks you have no backbone, so he won’t believe you’ll go through with it.

If he says about going for full custody just tell him to grow up and ask him why he’s so desperate to hold on to this relationship when he’s obviously so miserable.

Start finding somewhere else to live.
Then you can sell the house and split it.

This will only get worse.

What would help is leaving him.

This is only going to get (much) worse

You need to separate. Accept he will have half the house if you own it jointly and he will also have joint child access if that is what he wants. His behaviour is truly dreadful abuse.

He's playing the terminator music every time I walk into a room. He's knows what he is doing.
DD has started singing it...she doesn't know what it is?
Is this meant to be a joke?! 😢

Please go out and get away from this c#£%

He's abusive this is all there is to it. The termination is just a hook to hang his abuse in.

Whatever weird state he's in is escalating.
I'm gob-smacked you say your parents won't take you in - what if you and dd turn up on their doorstep and say 'I'm frightened of him'? Surely they won't turn you away?
I think his behaviour is very concerning OP. I'd like to see you get out to safety today. I know we can't know from this side of the screen, but it's horrible what he's putting you through.
Please please get some help and get away if you possibly can. Please.

You can continue choosing to put up with this.

Or you can be proactive and do something about it.

It’s not going to change and I don’t know why you’re continuing to be treated like this.

I didn’t even need to read past the fact he throws it in your face and plays terminator music. Get him gone, the horrible spiteful man.

Emotional abuse is a crime. Phone the police

How the fuck does this man think he is worthy to be a full time parent instead of you? He is psychotic and a total c*nt

Well,that's a load of bollocks.

Op I agree with the excellent advice you've had here.

I don't give a crap if he's grieving. The music thing is one of the worst things I read on here. Jesus.

When he apologises or whatever ends the cycle, and he goes back to being ok, REMEMBER THIS. Do you own the house jointly? It will have to be sold so you can both by separate properties. You can't go on like this. He is torturing you.

This is horrendous and undoubtably psychological abuse. What a selfish arse he sounds to be

What an evil POS he is, I'm almost lost for words.

Anybody who would taunt a woman about a termination, after seeing her battle through postpartum psychosis in the past, is one ignorant and cruel waste of space.

I would be tempted to fire back with something equally as nasty, IE you did the foetus a favour to save it from a father like that. Sorry, I know that's not helpful.

You need to get rid of him OP. He's going to destroy your mental health further. You will never be allowed to forget or move past your decision (which under these circumstances was categorically the right one for you and your daughter)

💝

And to those who said he is struggling with grief, I totally agree. I've offered to set us up counselling, and said if we can sort through our issues I would be open to another baby. He won't go though. He just blames me for everything and drinks. I hate this cycle.

I have absolutely no sympathy for him. He's being abusive about a decision you both made. He's actively choosing to get drunk and be abusive. Its not out of grief, he's just an abusive bastard

Film him crying and shouting while pissed while your dd is in bed. Then tell him he's welcome to try for full custody but you have evidence that he's not fit to be at Father at all.

This is victim blaming at it's finest. And bollocks to boot.