Partner can't get over my termination

[Greenginghamdress]

Bit of a background:
I have one DD (5 next month)
It was a huge struggle in the early months and I had post partum psychosis and terrible underlying depression.
I fell pregnant by accident when my daughter was 18 months old. I terminated after discussion with my partner who agreed at the time it was the right decision. I don't think we could have coped. I don't regret the decision.
However ever since that day, my partner has thrown the decision in my face.
Over 3 years later, his technique to deal with it is go to the pub, come home drunk and play the terminator music loudly on the Bluetooth speaker. Because I am 'a terminator' apparently 😭 (I only had a termination at 19/20, years before I met him) and have a good at me.
He's spoken to friends, family, I've tried talking to him every which way. He can't get over it.
He says I ruined his life and killed his dreams, and my DD will never have a sibling as it's my fault.
FIL died this week so he's in a bad place mentally although he's been like this before, plenty of times.
I slept on my daughter's floor last night as he was drinking and shouting downstairs and I didn't want him to disturb us. He's been up all night drinking and crying.
I feel bad for him but I'm starting to hate him too.
What would help, counselling? It feels like psychological torture sometimes the way he is with me.

This exactly. He is an abuser when drunk and would find another reason to abuse you if he didn't have this. To be honest he doesn't give a shit about the baby as if he did he would care for his present child. This is serious abuse, so damaging to you and your little one. Call the police when he is in the middle of it so they an see exactly what he is like. Maybe first go to your police station and report everything that has happened so far. Focus on how frightened you are and obviously stress there is a child present. Then the next time it happens call them. Hopefully you can get a protection order against him then. I am not in the UK so system may be different.

It's so important you know this is not your fault in any way he is looking for an excuse to go crazy and he has picked on that. If you had two children in the house he would still be doing it and would have found a different reason eg you are having an affair ( in his mind) etc. He is seriously mentally unwell made worse by alcohol and is a danger to you and your child.

Can you record him shouting and being abusive and playing that music. He will deny it.

He has the right to regret and be sad at the loss of his potential child. Women get to make a choice that men don’t. That’s just the way it is. However he does not have the right to demonstrate his grief or disappointment or whatever through abusing you or blaming you. If he can’t get over your decision, then he needs to leave. And if he won’t, you need to take the excellent advice on here …. Call Women’s aid, collect all important documents together and store at work and see a solicitor to plan leaving him. It was three YEARS ago. This isn’t going to get any better

He's actually emotionally abusing you and I'd speak to Women's Aid for advice.

Given that he's talking about making a split horrendous and about residency, it will be helpful to you to have the emotional abuse on record

Absolutely this. He is being horribly abusive. This isn't really anything to do with anything you've done, OP. It's because of what kind of person he is. A good man would never behave like this, in spite of how he felt about a termination, especially as it sounds like you had very, very good reasons to terminate.

Playing the Terminator music?

Can't believe what I'm reading.

That's so far from ok.

I couldn't be with someone like that.

The first time he did that would have been game over for me.

I'm so sorry.

What is your partner doing now?

This situation is intolerable.

’It feels like is psychological torture sometimes the way he is with me.’
^^

He is abusive to you when sober & even more abusive & threatening when under the influence of alcohol. He has no reason or excuse.

The termination is just the stick he uses to beat you.
He intimidates you by threatening to deny your DD a safe happy childhood.

Very good advice above.
Ring the police every time his drunken abuse intimidates you.
He is committing a crime.

Speak with your GP as a priority. This situation is impacting you & your DD’s health & wellbeing. Get advice, support & make sure these matters are logged.

Get advice from a specialist family law solicitor.
The Law Society has an online searchable index

Start the plan that you need to make to keep you & your DD safe & well.
Follow the Solicitors advice.
Very carefully - give nothing away, no hints, absolutely nada - collate copies of essential documents about your marriage, house, mortgage, your finances, joint & his finances, debts, pensions, investments etc. Store copies/evidence at work is good advice.

Be very very careful as his threatening behaviours may sharply escalate if he senses you taking back control or driving change.

Contact Womens Aid now so that you are known to them, maybe have a named support you can reach out to at short notice.

Use an online benefits calculator e.g. Turn2Us to work out what additional support you may get if you part. Make sure that you close down/delete evidence that you have done this in case it tips him off.

There is an urgency to this.

@Greenginghamdress you mentioned that this behaviour is an established pattern after the termination. A sense of loss after a termination we understand & readily accept for the woman who has made her choice, & many men have feelings of loss as well. He frames this as an unconsolable loss of his hopes, dreams & a larger family. From what you have said, other people are aware of this. The savage irony is that by punishing you for the choice made at the time, he has directly ruining the chances of his hopes, dreams & a larger family with you. So, my hunch is that these behavioural traits were already in place before your DD was born & that your very difficult experiences post-partum threw a curve ball between you. Followed by an unexpected pregnancy & resolution through the termination. I have sense that his ‘grief’ is that his will & sense of control over his life, his family & has been thwarted.

Now a crisis point as his father has died.
Things are now more complex & the stresses of Christmas period that precipitate many a family &/or personal crisis gather as a looming cloud.

Seek help now before things escalate & also…before agencies, charities & the Police are overwhelmed by the run up to Christmas.

Was he abusive before the termination?

Perhaps he is unable to process the grief appropriately and needs counselling.

It is not uncommon for men to behave unreasonably when processing extreme grief as they do tend to struggle with emotions compared to women.

Perhaps people should really think about the impact of their decisions on others when it is something so gravely final.

@UniversalAunt there is no marriage.

OP you need to get your kid out of this traumatising environment, make plans urgently to house yourself and get counselling for your kid. Having an abuser for a parent really fucks people up.

@Citycentre3 I did consider the impact on him! We spoke about it at the time.
It's only since that he has been like this. And obviously I don't have time machine to change it 😢

Wtf?

Op should have considered that her partners would start abusing her before having the abortion? She should have considered that risk higher than her own mental health and impact on the child they already had?

She should have guessed he would do this? She should have centred HIM in the decision?

Nothing, including a partners termination or not being able to deal with your own emotions, excuses abuse.

HE could choose to stop abusing his partner and child. The Op or the termination is not to blame for him being an abuser. And the whole ‘oh I am not adult enough to process my emotions without abusing my partner’ isn’t an excuse either.

His abuse is not Ops fault.

I disagree with this. The playing of Terminator music is deliberate and abusive. This is not a man struggling with the aftermath of a termination. If he is struggling then he is also using it as a stick to beat the op with. If it wasn't this it would be something else. This event is the op's Achilles Heal and this man has used it to centre his abuse and excuse it.

Please leave op.

Ignore that poster.

You are not to blame for the abuse you are suffering.

OP, listen to the posters on this thread. There is lots of experience and expertise. You can use that support (along with contacting Womens Aid) to plan a safe escape for you and your DD.

You do not have to live like this

You and your DD deserve to live happily and without fear. Take what you deserve.

OP, this is horribly, horribly abusive and sounds like an excuse to long term act like a dickhead. You poor thing. I would have terminated in your position too as would countles others.

This is tough OP! He obviously doesn't have the same belief as you. His behaviour is out of control but it's clear he's suffering and needs help. People cope with grief in different ways. Try to get him help and if there is now way around it anymore, then you need to call it quits. Truth is, he will always hold this against you, so you need to also question is it worth carrying on ? I'll probably get torn apart by MN warriors (It's always one sided here) but I can see why he's upset but obviously excluding his poor behaviour. You do need to be prepared with the fact he may try to go for full custody so make sure you have yourself covered. I would suggest legal advise and counselling for him.

No. Regardless of his feelings, his abusive behaviour is not okay. Don't try to justify anything.

He does not think you are a terrible person for what you did. If he did, he would have left you. He has seized on this fact and the shame surrounding it culturally and is using it as a handle to control you.

Also when he is drunk and being abusive to you, I would call police OP. Regardless of emotions and 'what it's'. You shouldn't feel unsafe in your home, especially with a kid. Plus abusive behaviour won't get him full custody. I personally would feel scared around him, and couldn't stick it out.

^^ This.

Thank you everyone for your helpful and thorough advice.
I think I will call women's aid.
I know how busy they are though and need to help people in physical danger first.
I honestly never thought of phoning the police I will consider this too.
I wish I had people to talk to IRL.
My friends just tell me to chuck him out.
He won't go.
My parents hate him but won't help me practically at all.
And to those who said he is struggling with grief, I totally agree. I've offered to set us up counselling, and said if we can sort through our issues I would be open to another baby. He won't go though. He just blames me for everything and drinks. I hate this cycle.

If you ever needed confirmation having the termination was the right decision, his behaviour is it. Imagine if you were trying to protect two children from his abusive behaviour.

He won’t get full custody. Please get away from this man (as safely as you can).

So he wants full custody of his child and says her not having a sibling ruined his life - and yet is perfectly happy to crash around drunk, playing loud music and being offensive to you - hardly the actions of a man who only wants the best for his child is it, since that is hardly a safe and comforting series of actions to take when his existing child is in the house.

If he truly is this upset about the termination then he could end the relationship and concentrate on being a great (non drunk and moody around her while treating her mother like shit) father.

@DragonflyNights I think you've hit the nail on the head. Totally agree.