How to weed out the men just looking for sex?

[treeloving]

I am dating a lovely seeming man but I am super anxious over whether it's just sex or not. He has spent a lot of time reassuring me he isn't just looking for sex. But he has dated an awful lot, and I suspect he is dating lots of women still. He has gotten sexual, in his messages, but in person he is very respectful. He knows I don't have sex outside of relationships normally and I am looking for something serious. I have been used for sex in the past, and dumped, and I am super careful with who I date. It is starting to suck the fun out of things now, and I am worried about pushing him away.

Any advice?

How long have you been seeing him?

My advice would be to make him date you. Make him put the effort in. Dont be easy. Dont sleep with him for months. Then youll know.

My mum always said that if a man really wants you, he will walk over hot coals and wont mind waiting.

My sisters husband waited 18 months for her. Admittedly they were only 19, but still.

If you suspect he is still dating other women, then there's your answer. If he's looking to concentrate just in you, he'd make it known.

Both of the above posts are 100% spot on.

Take a gentle step back, and let him court you. If he's just after sex he'll get bored and move on. If he seems to have no ideas about things to do or places to go, he's probably just after sex so wait it out and he'll get bored.

Whatever you do, don't Have A Discussion with him, because he'll probably lie to you until he's blue in the face that he's not just after sex - be guided by how he makes you FEEL.

I was particularly struck by you saying your refusal to have sex is sucking the fun out of things. That says to me that he's putting (subtle?) pressure on you to have sex, and you're registering it as feeling like you're the boring one. If he really liked you, you wouldn't feel like that.

Not sure about these responses. The old fashioned make him wait. I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting sex as part of a relationship, and not wishing the first few months to be celibate. I do think there is everything wrong with wanting a man to walk over hot coals, wait for you, court you etc relationships should be equal with each party putting in the same effort.

sex is not something to be withheld, or a chore that only men want. But you should habe a few dates and only sleep with someone if you want to, and understand that by having sex it doesn’t mean he needs to have a long term relationship with you or marry you. Relationships end. And it’s nothing to do with sex.

however if he’s dating others this might not be for you. And you need to at least get to the exclusive stage.

I don’t agree either with the make him wait either
surely everyone wants sex !?
its not a prize that men want only

that said if he’s dating others you have your answer there sadly

I agree with make him wait. Yes... sex is something to be enjoyed by both parties but if you are looking for a serious long term relationship, you will muddy the waters if you have sex immediately as if that is all they are after, you will not know until months later when they are bored and moving on. FWIW, my DH had to marry me before we had sex and so I knew he was in it for the relationship and not just the sex.

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes i agree that everyone wants sex.

But it sounds like OP doesnt want sex with some random bloke whose motives she is unsure of, who is trying to wear down her boundaries of only having sex in a relationship and is (perhaps?) unwilling any effort into seeing her if sex is off the table.

And if thats the case, i dont blame her one bit.

Fair enough, don't do it straight away if you don't want but no one is going to be waiting months and months. You couldn't blame someone for walking away in that circumstance and then blame it on them only wanting sex. You can only let someone " use" you for sex if you let them. As an adult you make your decisions about when you have sex. If he's seeing other women, he's not serious about you so don't sleep with him and allow him to use you.

How do you tell?

• they turn the conversation sexual very early on, even before the first date

• they give evasive non-committal answers when you ask what kind of relationship they are looking for

• they're usually impatient and suggest dates in intimate settings very early on ("come over to watch a movie/and i'll cook you dinner")

I think if you want to minimise your chances of being used for sex it's a good idea to hold off on getting intimate for at least 5-6 days and not before you've had the exclusivity talk.

*5-6 DATES not days

We haven’t had the exclusivity chat so I’m ok with him dating others

Why is this about what he wants??

Are you sexually attracted to him?

If yes, have sex with him.

If you still want to be with him, ask to continue the relationship.

If you're not attracted, or if you're not bothered, or if he doesn't want to continue, end it.

Stop second guessing HIM. Live your life.

Its not about making him wait, its about building the relationship first. I always had the no sex before monogamy rule before I married my dh.

It’s been 5 dates

She doesn't want sex with him if it's going to be casual and if there's a good chance she will be discarded after. The issue is way more nuanced than "if you're attracted to him go have sex".

She should absolutely hold off until his intentions become more clear.

Men need to show they are worth the sex.

So next time he makes a sexual innuendo or suggests a netflix and chill kind of date, just say "you know what, I've definitely enjoyed this tension building up between us and I like where this is going, but just so that I know we're going at the same pace, I have to ask... are you seeing other people?"

And if he says he is then make it clear you don't get intimate with anyone unless they're dating you exclusively and that's a boundary you will not break regardless of how attractive you find that someone.

Men respect women who respect themselves and hold them to a high standard. Sadly that's just how it works

@RandomMusings7 is correct OP.

Whats your end game treeloving?

If youre looking for a relationship, you need to be very different to all those other women hes dating.

I think you're being too relaxed with being ok with him dating others, surely if you've met the one you hope to start a relationship with then you wouldn't want other options? You are in danger of inviting a player in to your life, who's taking advantage.

Why too relaxed ? , the advice that is commonly given out on this forum is don’t invest too much in one person and multi date, sounds like that’s exactly what this guy is doing.

No, the advice is to go on multiple first or second dates, not to actually grow parallel relationships. And that it's ok as long as there is no intimacy going on.

By the 5th date with someone you should have cut the other ones loose.

in all fairness he might have sex with the OP and find she isn’t what he wants sexually and move on . Even if that isn’t his initial intentions

OP would then assume it’s because he had sex and dumped her whe when that’s not the case in his eyes
And exclusive or not he can still end it with you after having sex

in my experience if a man really really likes you then he wants you and not others and wouldn’t be trying to keep his options open by dating others

RandomMusings7 Yes I have done already - and we have spoken at length about how this isn't just about sex, we are both looking for relationships etc. I haven't asked him about seeing others yet, that's a good idea, thank you. I worry I am being too anxious and insecure, as he has done lots to reassure me. But he has dated lots, and clearly had a lot of sex. He had two short term relationships in the past year, lasting a few months. But you just never know.

Yabado Nowdays, it's completely expected and normal to be dating multiple people until the exclusivity chat

RandomMusings7 I think it's fine to date others until sex and the exclusivity chat