Page 3 | How to weed out the men just looking for sex?

treeloving · 2022-11-25T09:22:25+00:00

I am dating a lovely seeming man but I am super anxious over whether it's just sex or not. He has spent a lot of time reassuring me he isn't just looking for sex. But he has dated an awful lot, and I suspect he is dating lots of women still. He has gotten sexual, in his messages, but in person he is very respectful. He knows I don't have sex outside of relationships normally and I am looking for something serious. I have been used for sex in the past, and dumped, and I am super careful with who I date. It is starting to suck the fun out of things now, and I am worried about pushing him away. Any advice?

OldFan · 25/11/2022 18:22

Surely you can’t be used for sex unless you didn't really want to do it?

@dontcallmethatyoucunt The person might be hoping for more from the relationship or think there was more to it than just shags.

OldFan · 25/11/2022 18:25

Your statement assumes men’s sexual needs are just sticking their appendage into an enthusiastic orifice

@MMmomDD A lot of them do act like that- well they don't even care if the woman is particularly enthusiastic or not- all that matters is 'getting their dick wet.' Maybe they'll expect more in that they'll expect/want a porny performance from a woman, with deep throat etc.

MaxTalk · 25/11/2022 18:44

I bet he's just after sex. If he has dated a lot, he knows the game.

Whataretheodds · 25/11/2022 18:49

Don't have sex with him until he tells you he'd like to be exclusive.

But if?/when he tells you that, don't expect to be keeping him waiting for months.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 25/11/2022 19:16

heartbroken40 · 25/11/2022 10:59

OP, I'm a bit like you (situation a bit more complicated). This guy has an incredibly stressful and busy job and travels the world but he always finds time for me and also he is waiting for me to be "ready for sex" (we have kissed). We matched on Hinge in March and we still haven't had sex and he's not pushing for it - I am sure it will happen at some point but I feel no pressure whatsoever.

It's so so beautiful, we date, he puts massive effort in organising dates and simply enjoys my presence. I am quite sure he's not seeing anyone else (and nor am I).

Ignore the "sleep on first date" brigade. You can create an incredibly beautiful emotional relationship well before you have sex. No man would wait 9-12 months (I don't know yet when I'll feel ready) just for a shag.

And don't feel guilty - he will want to see you for your company, that's enough. And men in love notice the smallest things about you and are transfixed with very mundane stuff. I am absolutely loving it, it feels a bit like a Hollywood film.

Good luck and don't waver. It's not a game, it's simply creating the emotions that will make sex perfect

I'm glad you're happy with this man but it's not a guaranteed path to a successful relationship.

What if the sex is not perfect? Because a) he's got zero sex drive/erectile dysfunction, which is likely if he's happy to wait so long, or b) he's relying on porn while he waits and has all sorts of messed up ideas that won't work on a real woman.

That's if he really is not having sex with other women while he's travelling the world, of course.

You've invested all this time and emotion in someone but don't know if you're compatible on a fundamental level.

Surely the OP can find a middle ground between shagging 100 men on the first night and this 'Hollywood' version of courting, since she hasn't actually said that she's happy to go a year without sex, rather that she wants to weed out unsuitable men.

5128gap · 25/11/2022 20:01

The only way to avoid feeling 'used for sex' is to only ever have sex that you 100% want to have.
Never have sex to win or sustain a relationship, to keep a man interested or because its expected of you. That way you're doing it for your pleasure, not being used by someone for theirs.

LabradorEyes · 25/11/2022 20:22

Why get so overinvested in someone when you don't even know if the sex will work? It often doesn't work and then what? It happened to me a couple of weeks ago. Lovely guy, good conversation but suffering from ED. I found out in the 4th date and I have not seen him again. Was I only after sex? no. Was his inability to have sex a deal-breaker? YES, absolutely

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/11/2022 20:30

treeloving · 25/11/2022 10:13

We haven’t had the exclusivity chat so I’m ok with him dating others

This is where you're going wrong. I don't know when things changed for the worse but in 1997 when I met my now DH, after the first or second date I knew I wanted us to have a relationship, so I told him I had high standards, didnt' put up with being messed around and if he wanted to go out with me I expected to be the only woman he was seeing. He felt the same, and expected the same of me. We have been together 25 years.

I just can't understand this "seeing other women" thing, and how people now just roll over and accep it. Have some self-respect and demand more from people!

holibobs12 · 25/11/2022 20:31

Agree with this^^, if you have not had sex or the “exclusive”, I think it’s fine for him to date others, for all he knows you might give him the push tomorrow, I think he is just being sensible TBH.

People always say this. Sure, morally it's fine I suppose, but if you're seeing other people it signals your not really that interested, to me at least. If I'm really into someone, and they're into me, I'm nothing going yo he shopping around.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/11/2022 20:36

Alexandernevermind · 25/11/2022 10:14

Its not about making him wait, its about building the relationship first. I always had the no sex before monogamy rule before I married my dh.

Yeah this. And I had one-night stands etc, sex for fun etc. But you can usually tell the difference. If you have the right conversations. I worry for young women of today who can't seem to read (warning) signals correctly, and also for young men who seem brought up on porn.

IheartJKRowling · 25/11/2022 20:37

LabradorEyes · 25/11/2022 20:22

Why get so overinvested in someone when you don't even know if the sex will work? It often doesn't work and then what? It happened to me a couple of weeks ago. Lovely guy, good conversation but suffering from ED. I found out in the 4th date and I have not seen him again. Was I only after sex? no. Was his inability to have sex a deal-breaker? YES, absolutely

100% agree. The same thing happened to me, I was seeing someone for over four months when I found out we were not sexually compatible at all. It was a huge waste of my time and after that I had a "sex" talk after a couple of dates. It didn't mean I was only interested in sex, it meant I was only interested in a relationship with someone I was sexually compatible with.

Some of the replies on here assume sex is something that is done to women and not something women actively participate in and enjoy. They seem to think it's a prize or favour to bestow grudgingly if a man passes enough "relationship" tests. I'm older than most people on here yet I'm not waiting months before I have sex, if there's no sexual spark, there's no relationship.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/11/2022 20:39

treeloving · 25/11/2022 10:16

It’s been 5 dates

I would NOT have wanted to have sex then a proper relationship with someone who was still seeing other women after 5 dates. If I was hugely sexually attracted to him but realised he wasn't relationship material then yeah, I would have had sex with him, and just enjjoyed it for what it clearly was.

But it sounds like you are looking for a proper relationship, OP. I don't think he is what you're looking for.

gannett · 25/11/2022 20:42

5128gap · 25/11/2022 20:01

The only way to avoid feeling 'used for sex' is to only ever have sex that you 100% want to have.
Never have sex to win or sustain a relationship, to keep a man interested or because its expected of you. That way you're doing it for your pleasure, not being used by someone for theirs.

Precisely this, in a nutshell.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/11/2022 20:52

IheartJKRowling · 25/11/2022 20:37

100% agree. The same thing happened to me, I was seeing someone for over four months when I found out we were not sexually compatible at all. It was a huge waste of my time and after that I had a "sex" talk after a couple of dates. It didn't mean I was only interested in sex, it meant I was only interested in a relationship with someone I was sexually compatible with.

Some of the replies on here assume sex is something that is done to women and not something women actively participate in and enjoy. They seem to think it's a prize or favour to bestow grudgingly if a man passes enough "relationship" tests. I'm older than most people on here yet I'm not waiting months before I have sex, if there's no sexual spark, there's no relationship.

Show quote history

But you can still have a sexual spark yet make a deliberate decision together to hold off a bit to get to know each other better. It makes for a delicious "courting" eperience of which I have very fond memories. I use this word because I used to laugh at my own mum using it and I thought it was a very old-fashioned expression. But I get it now. I can also tell you that far from sex "being done to me", DH didn't know what hit him when we first had sex after about 10 weeks of dating.

Betty65 · 25/11/2022 20:59

Nothing to do with digging your heals in and making him wait… very out of date view if you ask me!
if he’s dating others then exercise a bit of caution but as others have said, sex does not mean he wants to be in a long term relationship with you anyway.
Life's too short and if you want sex with him then go for it…if it’s good sex… then he’s way more likely to stick around!

3luckystars · 25/11/2022 21:07

They all are. That’s all I have to say about that.

gannett · 25/11/2022 21:11

3luckystars · 25/11/2022 21:07

They all are. That’s all I have to say about that.

And that's OK, really. I don't see anything wrong with wanting sex if you're dating people you're attracted to.

Whether they wanted sex doesn't have an impact on whether I had sex with them when I was dating. That was about what I wanted (or didn't want).

There wasn't a huge correlation between sex sooner/later and whether we clicked medium/long term anyway. Not shagging a couple of them didn't stop them turning out to be twats. Shagged DP the night I met him and now it's 10 years later.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/11/2022 21:31

Shagged DP the night I met him and now it's 10 years later. Fair enough, but did he also tell you, or give you reason to believe that, he was seeing other women at the same time?

LabradorEyes · 25/11/2022 21:45

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/11/2022 21:31

Shagged DP the night I met him and now it's 10 years later. Fair enough, but did he also tell you, or give you reason to believe that, he was seeing other women at the same time?

Would it have mattered at that point? I don't think so. What matters is that they discovered they are so compatible that after that they didn't want to be with other people. For me that's a decision I can only take after I've had sex with the guy in question. Until I'm sure, I keep my options open

Artygirlghost · 25/11/2022 22:00

If he is dating ''lots of women'', you already have your answer.

If he really was into you he would concentrate on dating you rather than seeing other people at this stage. Instead he is just keeping his options open.

You have been on quite a few dates and he has had plenty of time to decide if he really likes you. I think men decide pretty early on whether they want to be with someone or not.

I would take a step back, tell him you are enjoying yourself but that you are after an exclusive relationship and that he is not on the same page you won't be able to continue seeing him.

It is a mistake to think that you should be ''cool'' and just go along with him seeing other women.

It is likely he will disappear the minute you have sex with him and his curiosity is satisfied and once you are no longer a challenge, because you are just one of many options, not a priority.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/11/2022 00:31

i had sex with someone and we were both dating others
well I certainly was !

we have stayed monogamous because the sex and connection between us was suprisingly good

now we are not a traditionally monogamous relationship , in any way
but it was the sex that connected us

I don’t agree with the view that once they have sex they have what they wanted
of it’s good , they’ll be back for more

notsurewhat2do99 · 26/11/2022 00:48

I agree 100% with @RandomMusings7 and @Roundbasket

In my experience, most women are not able to "shag on the first night" and be OK with it if the man never calls them again. If a woman likes a man enough to have sex on the first night, she will want him to call her and keep up a relationship. It's all down to oxytocin, the "love hormone", which causes women to bond with men they have a good sexual experience with. Sadly not so for men.

There are only two women I know of (in RL) who could genuinely love 'em and leave 'em.

For me, the best way to find out if someone is genuinely interested, rather than just being around for sex, is to make them wait. I like the PP's comment about waiting to find out if the man is worth the sex. The ones who just want sex won't hang around, they'll be gone.

A male friend of mine told me that if there is no sex after 3 dates, he's gone.

It's not about power, or depriving men or acting as though sex is a prize, it's about protecting your heart.

Roundbasket · 26/11/2022 01:41

notsurewhat2do99 · 26/11/2022 00:48

I agree 100% with @RandomMusings7 and @Roundbasket

In my experience, most women are not able to "shag on the first night" and be OK with it if the man never calls them again. If a woman likes a man enough to have sex on the first night, she will want him to call her and keep up a relationship. It's all down to oxytocin, the "love hormone", which causes women to bond with men they have a good sexual experience with. Sadly not so for men.

There are only two women I know of (in RL) who could genuinely love 'em and leave 'em.

For me, the best way to find out if someone is genuinely interested, rather than just being around for sex, is to make them wait. I like the PP's comment about waiting to find out if the man is worth the sex. The ones who just want sex won't hang around, they'll be gone.

A male friend of mine told me that if there is no sex after 3 dates, he's gone.

It's not about power, or depriving men or acting as though sex is a prize, it's about protecting your heart.

Exactly , protecting your heart and your personal boundaries is totally ok and the right thing to do , whatever those are for you personally
if that means some guys or even most walk away I wouldn’t see that as a loss , I’d see that as we likely wernt a good fit . He clearly doesn’t understand the importance of people holding true to their own values and sees it as some ‘ withholding then he is the one seeing sex as a prize the woman ‘ gives’.

Srx should be a shared experience between two people when BOTH people feel like they want that physically and foR many people also emotionally .

gannett · 26/11/2022 08:55

notsurewhat2do99 · 26/11/2022 00:48

I agree 100% with @RandomMusings7 and @Roundbasket

In my experience, most women are not able to "shag on the first night" and be OK with it if the man never calls them again. If a woman likes a man enough to have sex on the first night, she will want him to call her and keep up a relationship. It's all down to oxytocin, the "love hormone", which causes women to bond with men they have a good sexual experience with. Sadly not so for men.

There are only two women I know of (in RL) who could genuinely love 'em and leave 'em.

For me, the best way to find out if someone is genuinely interested, rather than just being around for sex, is to make them wait. I like the PP's comment about waiting to find out if the man is worth the sex. The ones who just want sex won't hang around, they'll be gone.

A male friend of mine told me that if there is no sex after 3 dates, he's gone.

It's not about power, or depriving men or acting as though sex is a prize, it's about protecting your heart.

I don't know about "most" women but as a woman who separated sex from emotion a lot back in the day, I don't think we're especially rare exceptions.

But if you can't separate sex from emotion then yes, best not to have it. But you have all the agency over that.

LabradorEyes · 26/11/2022 12:04

Has he told you that "he's dating lots of women" simultaneously or have you assumed that based on the fact that he's been dating lots since he got divorced. With OLD the advice tends to be that it's numbers game. It makes sense to date lots until you find the right person, but I get the impression your insecurities are clouding your judgment