How to weed out the men just looking for sex?

[treeloving]

I am dating a lovely seeming man but I am super anxious over whether it's just sex or not. He has spent a lot of time reassuring me he isn't just looking for sex. But he has dated an awful lot, and I suspect he is dating lots of women still. He has gotten sexual, in his messages, but in person he is very respectful. He knows I don't have sex outside of relationships normally and I am looking for something serious. I have been used for sex in the past, and dumped, and I am super careful with who I date. It is starting to suck the fun out of things now, and I am worried about pushing him away.

Any advice?

How old is he? Whats his background? Divorced/never married/does he have kids etc?

Shag on the first date, it’s the quickest way to find out.

Or get into the ‘pick me’ game with the other women he’s dating.

Or wait months to find out he’s a crap shag and not attractive sexually.

Dacadactyl He was married before, his partner cheated on him. He's been dating for a year and a half now.

Agree with this^^, if you have not had sex or the “exclusive”, I think it’s fine for him to date others, for all he knows you might give him the push tomorrow, I think he is just being sensible TBH.

Lol...

I went on over 100 first dates over the 3 years of OLD. Should I have slept with all?

Some people actually ascribe meaning and importance to sex. Telling then to just treat as a point on a checklist and getting it over with is just silly

I am also just so sick of having to constantly be critical and cynical - dating just isn't fun anymore. I am always thinking 'are you using me' or 'how are you going to hurt me'. It's mentally exhausting. I can't even enjoy having met this guy, who I REALLY like.

Agree with this.

The whole "make him wait" approach puts way too much emphasis on what men want.

I assume all men who are dating want sex. So did I, when I was dating. I didn't know whether I wanted more than sex until I actually got to know a man. I also didn't know until I'd had sex with them whether I wanted to continue having sex with them. I assumed all that was true for them too.

So I had sex only if I actually wanted it for itself, in that moment, and with no expectations that it would lead anywhere else. And if I didn't want it, I didn't have it.

OP, I'm a bit like you (situation a bit more complicated). This guy has an incredibly stressful and busy job and travels the world but he always finds time for me and also he is waiting for me to be "ready for sex" (we have kissed). We matched on Hinge in March and we still haven't had sex and he's not pushing for it - I am sure it will happen at some point but I feel no pressure whatsoever.

It's so so beautiful, we date, he puts massive effort in organising dates and simply enjoys my presence. I am quite sure he's not seeing anyone else (and nor am I).

Ignore the "sleep on first date" brigade. You can create an incredibly beautiful emotional relationship well before you have sex. No man would wait 9-12 months (I don't know yet when I'll feel ready) just for a shag.

And don't feel guilty - he will want to see you for your company, that's enough. And men in love notice the smallest things about you and are transfixed with very mundane stuff. I am absolutely loving it, it feels a bit like a Hollywood film.

Good luck and don't waver. It's not a game, it's simply creating the emotions that will make sex perfect

I really hope you find a nice guy OP. I feel for you. It sounds really awful having to navigate all this 😔

• · Today 09:56 Not sure about these responses. The old fashioned make him wait. I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting sex as part of a relationship, and not wishing the first few months to be celibate

There is if the sex is what comes before anything else. Because a relationship is based on people knowing each other at least a bit.

Some men want to go from one sexual encounter to another. They do not want a relationship.

The problem with this is it doesn’t take into account the science between the difference in men and women having sex. There’s plenty of reasons for women to wait until they are certain if they don’t just want a fling as sex is more likely to cause women to fall in love due to hormones

Theres been lots of research but one example is research by Rutgers which talks about the hormone oxytocin that gets released ( also called cuddle hormone

‘It’s also the key to bonding, as it increases levels of empathy. Women produce more of this hormone, although it’s not clear why, and this means they are more likely to let their guard down and fall in love with a man after sex….

Men, on the other hand, instead of getting a surge of bonding hormone receive a surge of simple pleasure.’

How old are you? And is there something in your past they had made you feel uneasy/not comfortable with sex?
It isn’t great to be this anxious over potentially ‘being used for sex’ it at this stage of dating. Especially if you are saying he is a generally lovely guy.
In your place - I’d actually try to find a way of dealing with these issues before dating anyone really. Because I am sure your issues go beyond early dating stage, and will spill over and complicate any relationship you will have.

Sex is a normal part of a grown up relationship. And one of the reasons people get together. You need to realise it and actually accept it.
If you decide to have sex with someone - you need to do it because you enjoy it and want to do it with that particular person at that time. And as such - there is no ‘being used for sex’ - provided you chose to do it voluntarily.

It’s fine for you to have this boundary of only having sex in a relationship. But if they is what you prefer - you will encounter situations where you will feel like you have been ‘used’. Most people won’t commit to a relationship until they have sex with the other person and know they is good chemistry and sex is good (or ideally, great)
But even if they do commit to a relationship before having sex - and then it all turns out that you aren’t very compatible sexually - the relationship will fall apart. And I suspect - you will then ‘feel used’.
But this is because you think sex is just the act of sex. And it isn’t to most people.

If a woman WANTs to have sex then good and well but if they feel it isn’t best for them or that they are more likely to be impacted negatively than the man then I think following their gut is right for them
no one should be made to feel they ‘ should ‘ be Having sex because holding back is somehow wrong
People need to do what’s right for them . Plenty of men are happy to have sex with women knowing fully well that woman wants a relationship and he has no intention of having one . Many women are not sexually motivated by sex alone . The risks are greater for women

Make him date you and put effort into you. Being careful is a good thing, but all people are not the same. Notice some signs, and do not hurry for sex. If you do not date a person, you will never know how the person is.

Males who are interested in only sex will have some signs.

He always notices your looks but not your inner quality.
He gets angry if you don't want to have sex.
If you are having a conversation, it will be about sex.

things to do

Take more time before having sex.
Ask him to meet outside, not at home.
Do not plan any date that can convert into a sex date.
Ask him to meet for dinner or launch without having other plans.

I have been used for sex in the past, and dumped
How did you know he was just using you for sex? That he wasn't just dating you to see if he liked you, but then discovered you were incompatible in some way (sexually or otherwise)? What was it about his attitude that made you feel you'd been used?

I really hope it works out for you but I have to say I wouldn't wait 9 months to have sex with anyone. If I was dating a man who was prepared to wait that long I would assume that sex wasn't very important to him, which would be a mismatch for me.

OP the problem is, there is no "Find out if he just wants sex with this one simple trick!" (which would make a lovely clickbaity headline.)

Firstly, there is a subset of men who will happily chase after you, and in fact the longer the chase the more they'll enjoy finally getting into bed with you... and then the goal is achieved and they'll bugger off.

Secondly, there's a probability for either of you that you'll have sex and then decide "Hmm actually I don't think this is going anywhere" and end things, and that's ok - it doesn't mean anyone has "used" anyone else, just that you've spent time together and come to realise that the relationship isn't a long term thing.

I think the real problem is this concept that sex is something that a man does TO a woman, rather than being an activity that people do together for mutual enjoyment.

How old are you op @treeloving ?

Are you wanting this man to turn out to be the "one" so you can then finally stop dating?

Nobody can predict the future, so even if you do everything right, wait the whatever appropriate time it is for you to have sex, the relationship can still fail as you may discover while going through the motions that you aren't compatible, or he may realise that about you.

As it's been echoed by previous posters, you do need to examine why is this current dating situation causing you such anxiety? You seem almost emotionally over-invested in someone you barely know.

Goatbilly because I like him so much already. this hasn't happened to me before.

80s because looking back, it was obvious he was using me....

To be honest I usually get it out of the way early on. Imagine dating someone for months and getting attached to find out the sex is shit...
it's not 1905, it's ok to have sec with someone you're seeing (or not seeing)

How? What were the signs, in retrospect? (Sorry if I'm a bit slow; I have never had the experience.)

Am i alone in thinking that if you are reasonably confident and obviously enjoy sex you cant go far wrong with most men? Unless he is into fairly niche stuff, what sort of incompatibility are you talking about?

I dont think I get this sexual compatibility thing when talking about men? When it comes to women, yes i understand wanting to know if we are compatible with the man because i think its harder for a man to get us to orgasm, but surely for most men, as long as youre not laid there doing nothing, yiu are compatible? Or am i missing something?

@Dacadactyl
I don’t know where to even start with this. Your statement assumes men’s sexual needs are just sticking their appendage into an enthusiastic orifice…. I can go on, but hopefully you will realise yourself that it’s a very simplistic and unfair way of looking at it.

And of course - the starting assumption of ‘confident and enjoys sex’ is not what OP sounds like.

@treeloving ‘ dating just isn't fun anymore. I am always thinking 'are you using me' or 'how are you going to hurt me'.‘
Please get help. You can’t help a relationship with anyone if this is what’s in your head.

Why is sex so entangled with self worth. Surely you can’t be used for sex unless you did really want to do it?

For me the sexual talk in messages would be inappropriate and I would tell him so.

The most obvious ones mostly into sex can't help themselves bringing it up (or how much they fancy you physically etc) early on.