Checking name change…

[NotSureHowBad]

Just checking if name change works before posting

For anyone wondering why I have a 23 year old and also small children, I was very young when the eldest was born.

Why would you bother? Is that really the kind of person you want to be? I'd be ashamed of my mother if she acted like that. There's loads of men out there if you want a fling. Why cause pain to another when you don't have to. Cruel.

Well because I don’t just want to have a fling with anyone, because no one necessarily would get hurt and because I’m wondering how worth it this whole thing might be and the answer might well be not worth it at all - and since it wouldn’t hurt me or my life, I actually am considering this guy’s wife in that thought process.

if I don’t answer again it’s not because I’ve “run away and don’t like the answers”or anything, I just have work tomorrow and need to go to sleep.

If the wife finds out you'll change her life forever. Affair trauma is a thing and it sucks, as well you know.

You sound like a narcissist. Detached from reality.

Your life changed forever because your ex cheated. Your ex hurt you, yes you’re doing well now but at the time you must have been broken with a baby to look after whilst he was out having fun.
Stop thinking life is unfair because he didn’t get his karma. Instead start remembering how you felt and now think about what you would be doing to this woman. You of course don’t owe her anything, her happiness and trust is with her husband. If he cheats that’s his fault and he is causing her pain but if you engage in this with him then you’re also tk blame. You are effectively ruining their marriage and their home life. Doesn’t matter if your partner doesn’t mind and if your life is unaffected- can you really be okay with someone else’s family being broken?

I have cheated in the past with a person who was in a relationship (not on or with my current partner) I, at the time, felt naive to think that her life had nothing to do with me and if her partner cheated then that’s his fault, he was an adult free to make his own decisions. It went on for too long and she found out. She was broken, she doubted herself. He ruined her trust in others but I ruined her self esteem and confidence. I felt really guilty and to this day, still do. I had no right to ruin her life, it was my choice and j feel equally as much to blame as him.
Please think this through before you engage in anything. Yes there’s a physical attraction but is it really worth it? You know how it feels to be cheated on, don’t let yourself be that other woman.

So you'd be willing to risk

Posted too soon obviously

So you'd be willing to risk your relationship, his marriage, your sons wellbeing and trust in you, his job and possibly professional registration and therefore entire career for a mere shag?

"No one will find out" famous last words of many a cheat.

If you have a genuinely open relationship then you can easily find sexual partners for a little fun on the side without risking most of what I listed earlier.

no one’s going to fall in love and leave anyone?

You can't possibly guarantee that.

I'm involved in an ethical non monogamy community/circle and this would still be very much frowned upon and criticised because his wife has not consented to or agreed to any of this, doesn't even know. She has a right to whether you like it or not.

Even from a selfish perspective, if the wife does find out and tips up angry/upset at your door potentially while your young kids are there what would be your defence to that?

And he has a child too so you're potentially risking the negative impacts on the child.

Very selfish to go ahead I think.

I agree with @Graphista there is no consent here.

3rd party rape.

It's not illegal but it should be, sexual health is very important.
Tell him you will shag him only if he tells his wife, then she can withdraw her consent to have sex with him if she so wishes.

And please don't say you will wear a condom, its insulting regarding all the diseases you can catch from multipe orifices.

You still sound very bitter about what your ex did to you. And using what your ex did as an excuse for you to do the same to someone else is pathetic. In fact, it's worse than what he did - your ex left you for another woman (and your relationship must've been broken for him to do that, yet you seem to accept no responsibility for that). What you're considering doing is wrecking someone else's marriage for nothing more than a bit of casual sex.

OP: "so I’m wondering - is it really that bad?"
Mumsnet: "Yeh it's very bad for the man's wife, and here's my reasoning based on my knowledge and experience."
OP: "But it's not that bad."

Not sure why you started this thread.
You clearly want to do it and are already minimising the harm.
But no matter how much you rationalise your way into cheating, most posters here aren't going to collude with your thinking if that's what you're after.

You sound like a narcissist. Detached from reality

Oh no she sounds aloof, detatched and really quite insightful. Just extremely logical, intellegent and above us mere mortals who have feelings don't cha know.

Get with the cool, bohemian chi chi, Oh darling I'm just too devine. 😻

You, your H, and your Affair Partner would all be in the loop re choices and consent. His Wife would not. He’d be humiliating her by stealing her agency, and you would be facilitating the trampling of her dignity.

My heart goes out to this woman and her child. Her H is making a fool of her and risking her physical/emotional health by hunting illicit sex, and you’re counting on her staying blind to rationalize a sneaky affair.

I was suicidal with two babies when this happened to me. I've suffered PTSD for over 20 years because of such an acrimonious divorce. Please think of others, especially the children.

@NotSureHowBad you lost me at the point where you were musing about what would happen if his wife turned out to be 'fragile'.
You seem emotionally immature.
Being cheated on can have profound effects on the most robust of persons.
Do not facilitate this.
There are loads of single guys out there who love to stick their dicks in anything. Find one of those.

It reads like some form of weird transferred revenge on your ex. He did it with no consequences so you deserve that too.

Brilliantly succinct post!
That's the bottom line, isn't it, about the theft of a person's agency.
What sort of evil person would do that.

There was no question in the OP, it was just an announcement about her sex life. Sounds awful. Hope his wife ditches the scum.

Don't be stupid

When you look back on your life, do you think that feeling good when shagging this bloke will outweigh feeling shit that you knowingly helped someone take away another woman's consent and potentially helped caused them and their kids trauma?

I love sex but it wouldn't outweigh the feeling that I had knowingly been complicit in cruelty, because I'm not an arsehole.

And because there are plenty of people to have sex with who aren't hurting others in the process.

I don't think anyone here is going to change your mind, not sure why you posted really, a round of applause ?

I do know betweeen your actions and you proclomations on here that you sound a very strange woman, one who wants to antagonise other women and brag about your cold calculating decision making.

You sound a very resentful desperate person underneath, and I wouldn't wish you or your prospective partner on my wost enemy let alone a unsuspecting family.

Well just had time to check back in and some of the posts are helpful. I haven’t got time to reply to all of the posts, I’m sorry, and I’m quite sure that some of them didn’t want a reply anyway!

in case anyone is interested, obviously I wasn’t “sure” that I’d be ok with this whole thing or I’d have just gone with the suggestion wouldn’t I? Anyway, I came to agree that this would be a very shit idea and I’ll just block the guy which is very easy as our lives have no connections whatsoever.

A couple of posters really did help make or change my mind, @MsDogLady in particular. And @FloydPepper might well have a point subconsciously for me too, I might need to think hard about that so thanks.

People just literally posting lists of insults and abuse - I just have no idea what that’s supposed to achieve. I’m not sure it’s a good way of making someone see the error of their ways if that’s the idea myself.

Op, you will always get short thrift on here with a post like that. Predicted replies! I was once given very very sage advice by a dear friend in a situation, not too disimilar. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes you happy Op.

Thanks @CallmeCath. In this situation, what would make me a bit happy would not be potentially making some one else extremely unhappy so the whole thing is sorted and I probably won’t post here again as there’s nothing much else to type!

I can’t imagine typing out some of the stuff a few came up with to a total stranger who, if they really were as evil and weird as all that, would probably just dig in on the opposite position to those people. I don’t know.

Anyway, as far as I’m concerned the whole (very brief) situation is done with.

People just literally posting lists of insults and abuse - I just have
no idea what that’s supposed to achieve. I’m not sure it’s a good way of
making someone see the error of their ways if that’s the idea myself

It's because generally when people are in the throws of having someone who they find very attractive give them some attention, all logic goes out of the window.

And to have the power of helping to destroy a woman and her children's lives is quite a responsibility.

Sorry if I'm a bit direct but I just don't like the idea of hurting my own sex.