Checking name change…

[NotSureHowBad]

Just checking if name change works before posting

Sometimes @doodlepoodlenoodle If I’m ok with it

If you know she wouldn't be ok with it why would you still consider it? Your situation with your ex turned out all ok after a while but what if theirs doesn't? What if she has a mental breakdown and ends up with serious mental health problems, or substance abuse at the breakdown of trust in her marriage. What if her self esteem is at rock bottom and finding out that her husband cheated is the final straw and her life falls apart or worse? And obviously if there are children involved then this could have serious implications for them too.

I don’t think I would be ok with possibly being responsible for this however much I wanted something myself.

Well yes @CalvesIncline in my lived experience she would be fine and ISN’T it my turn to have fun?

I’m questioning how much that would be my fault if she turned out to be very fragile @Wrongsideofpennines which is why I haven’t just done what I want to do here yet.

I just can't get my head round an 'open' relationship but different strokes for different folks.

I'm happily married now to me second DH but like you was cheated on in my first marriage. I've never known pain like it. But like you, kids were involved and my exH is still with the 'other' woman. We actually all get on very well.

I still don't agree with the wife getting hurt though if she did find out. I couldn't put someone else through the hurt I went through. Just because it all works out in the end for some people, it doesn't always for others.

But why do you assume her experience would be the same as yours?

Do his wife a favour and let her know that her husband is an arsehole before you start shagging him, then I'm sure you'll be free to.

How do people on here not notice that when you NC, you type in the message box and the user name you are posting under appears literally right above it. You can even click into the ‘your username’ box and change it.

I take your point @doodlepoodlenoodle and I’m glad you’re happy now. You’re right about different strokes for different folks - my current set up suits me.

my experience with my first marriage changed my view a lot, but this current dilemma has made me question how much and how confident I am that I have no responsibility at all towards a woman I don’t know. Maybe none, maybe a lot, maybe a bit.

How do you think your adult child would feel if they found out?

He wouldn’t care less.

OP 'Would this be a good idea'

MN 'No'

OP 'You're all wrong and I'll argue with you all'

I’m not arguing. I’m answering questions. I’m not sure am I? So I’m just having a think with other people’s views. So far, only one person agrees with my “sort of” thoughts I think?

Also, the stealth thread title compared to the content. Clickbait.

The fact that there's a child involved whose family could be broken by this and you're considering it anyway is appalling.

My partner wouldn’t care because we have an open relationship with some boundaries

This reeks of “I was hurt before but I’m kidding myself that an open relationship makes sense because at least it means I technically can’t be cheated on again”.

To be clear, I absolutely would be fine with it and the only thing stopping me is his partner wouldn’t . I don’t know her, I only know this because he told me.

This would ring alarm bells. He’s trying to let you down gently. He doesn’t want you and is using his wife as an excuse. If your self esteem is low, sleeping with a man who isn’t really interested won’t help.

Stick to your 'definitely not'

It does sound as if you want to do this as some sort of revenge 🤔 not actually to anyone but for yourself to finally do what your ex did to you? Does that make sense

It does make sense @merlotlover but in this case, I just quite fancy the guy.

@LittIe he really isn’t dying to let me down gently, he’s the one very much pushing this. Also, the psychology is probs my problematic, but no I don’t want an exclusive relationship again. I don’t. Not he doesn’t. I’m disillusioned with that sort of thing shh my r happier with companionship AND freedom. Life is short.

@bluepen12 I'm veering that way.

Ah Op, don't penalise yourself for what your partner did to you.

Remember all the bad thoughts you had about your ex? You will have the same about yourself if you do it. You will live with this for the rest of your life. It will make you the same person as your ex. You don't what that

Christ. Typos a go go there. Ffs

So instead if the typos, what I meant to put was “I’m much happier with companionship AND freedom”

Of* I’m as bad at typing as most of you think I am at navigating relationships

My partner wouldn’t mind; his wife very much would. From a pragmatic POV as that seems to be what you're looking for: if his wife would mind, he'll almost certainly go to great lengths to make sure she doesn't find out. This could be irritating and inconvenient for you if he's cancelling plans right and left or sneaking around to avoid being seen with you or only talking to you on the phone in a whisper whilst hiding in the loo at 2AM. Just saying.

Also, are you sure it won't negatively impact your son in some way? I just watched the episode of Two and Half Men where Jake was upset that Charlie kept sleeping with his teachers. Just saying.

This wouldn’t be a “serious” affair ending in me and the affair partner getting together in a monogamous serious relationship. Yah, he doesn't seem very good at monogamous.

Ah thanks @wackamole I take your point about the adult son but honestly, he’s 23, doesn’t live with me anymore and he doesn’t have much of an interest in my love life (thank god, as that would be very weird!)

The affair guy quite obviously isn’t very good at monogamy and from the way he messages is an old hand at this game. Yes, unattractive in a partner but not so much in a casual fling.

he definitely doesn’t want his wife finding out and this is what is troubling me a bit re how my conscience would feel with this one if it became a reality.