Partner not generous

[Breakingpoint1961]

What do you do when your partner is not generous with others? By that I mean, your family (adult children) ie taking something when you're invited for dinner, birthday presents etc. I'm not expecting lavish gestures, but something at least. Relationship just over a year.

You expect him to buy your adult children birthday presents? I would not expect that at all..

I think we’re going to need a bit more information.

Thank you @Rowen32. I need to know what others perceive as 'normal'.

He tries going empty handed when you’re invited out for dinner?

@Rowen32 · Today 22:13

You expect him to buy your adult children birthday presents?

I think she means taking over something like wine/chocolates/flowers.... but it's not really clear.

I wouldn't exactly call that not being generous though.

Nah - expecting too much (maybe)

Yeah I wouldn’t expect that. Presumably you would expect adult DC to bring something for your DP if he invited them to dinner with you both?

I'd expect anything you bring when you attend an invite to your adult children's house to be from you both as a couple, though I'd also find it odd that parents would feel they had to take gifts to visit their children for dinner.

I'd also not expect a partner I met in adulthood to be buying presents for my adult children. That would be my job as their parent, and it would probably be addressed from me and new partner if we'd made a move to cohabit/were an established long term couple

We have a ‘taker’ in our family. Tight AF. Wouldn’t give anybody anything, wouldn’t buy a round, wouldn’t go out of his way to help or do anything for anyone. We all dislike him and feel awkward when he and his wife (who we love) comes to visit as that isn’t our family culture.

Unfortunately it’s driven quite a large wedge in the family. I blame her for choosing him in the first place. Don’t make the same mistake, or make a stand and tell him what behaviour you expect around your family.

I would not expect my partner to do this for my family, it’s my family not my partners,

You wouldn’t expect your partner to buy a round?

it would be pleasant if she did, but I would not expect it,

as for tell what behaviour you expect around your family., I would certainly not tell someone how I expect them to behave, my partner is an adult.

Interesting. I would. It’s what I consider normal behaviour and I wouldn’t be with anyone who didn’t also consider it normal behaviour.

Re your second para, that’s another poster, not me.

I think I'd see my partner as my plus one and consider myself responsible for taking a gift.
Also, if you're female and your partner male, societal norms make it unlikely that your partner will buy anyone a gift other than their own immediate family. I doubt it would even cross their minds to buy a birthday present or card for your children. If they have children of their own, I'd even ask if they buy their own children gifts or continue to rely on their ex-wife (if still alive) to do that.

@IMissVino I’m male, so I wouldn’t expect my partner to buy a round for my family, I’m the same way I know that she wouldn’t expect me to do it either, but her family are all wasters (her words not mine), so I generally am the one, but she does not expect me too.

I’m not sure what you being male has to do with anything I said? Or why you’ve put ‘expect’ in bold multiple times? You said you wouldn’t expect it and I said ‘interesting, I would’. I expect everyone to buy rounds - that’s how rounds work.

Are you having some some sort of parallel conversation?

“I would not expect my partner to do this for my family, it’s my family not my partners,”

So extremely low expectations then? He can be a prick because it’s not his family? Wow! Just when you thought the MN bar for men couldn’t get any lower on the relationship boards…

Interesting views, I'm very intrigued as to what people think is either 'normal' or acceptable.

You’re really not giving us very much to go on here. Why?

@IMissVino must be different expectations then, when I visit my family & my sister and her partner are there, I would absolutely not expect him to buy a round he is a guest, is great if he does but there is no expectation for a guest to do anything than have a good time.

Bold is used to emphasise the word.

So you’d expect your partner not to buy a round and she’d expect the same in return, meaning that nobody expects any rounds to be reciprocal? I expect you don’t really understand the concept of rounds.

Yes, but why are you emphasising it? Did you think I’d missed it the first time? And, yes we do have different expectations. As I acknowledged upthread. Are you also repeating me, to me, for emphasis?

You also haven’t explained why you just randomly informed me that you were male.

I'm confused by your post.

If you're turning up together to your adult child's for dinner, surely you being a bottle or two together. Regardless of who actually purchases it.

Birthdays.. for a small child yes, for my adult child no.

Need more information OP.

When my partner and I go to anyones house we take a gift and if we’re out having drinks and rounds are on the go we will buy a round.

If you’re going to someone’s house for dinner and / or drinks it’s very bad etiquette not to bring a small gift - bottle of wine, flowers, choccies etc, regardless of whether they are family.

Sounds like your partner needs educating. I would be mortified if, for example he didn’t put his hand in his pocket and buy a round of drinks!

Always take a gift for the host, even if it is just small. Birthday cards if going to a birthday. Offering to contribute if eg picnic and so on.