Partner not generous

[Breakingpoint1961]

What do you do when your partner is not generous with others? By that I mean, your family (adult children) ie taking something when you're invited for dinner, birthday presents etc. I'm not expecting lavish gestures, but something at least. Relationship just over a year.

I’m glad someone else thinks that this is a bit off. 😂

I was taking the OP’s post about ‘being generous’ to mean either literally (taking gifts) or socially (chatty, personable, chipping in etc.)

A partner that balks at doing either is not normal.

Thank you. I expect it’s my understanding of rounds, but I always expect that everyone in the round will all take a turn of buying the round. Like, you go round and everyone takes a turn.

Whenever we visited any house we have always brought a gift. Could not turn up empty handed. It is just manners. When we visit a pub we always buy first round. Not big drinkers and may not partake in further rounds but again manners.

Exactly. ‘Tis the very essence of rounds, without which our great nation would fall to chaos.

Also, expect. Just cos. 😁

Going to dinner at your family, I would think you buy the wine. His family, he buys.

Different families have different expectations, that seem to vary wildly. I have some (normally older) relatives who, when asked to dinner, expect dinner to be provided and not to have to contribute anything.

My generation - 40s & 50s - of my family would usually take a bottle of wine and possibly some flowers or chocolates but as a couple. We don't take individual presents. Arrangements where each couple takes one course of the meal are not uncommon between friends.

If someone's birthday, presents for children, a card for an adult, is the norm.

My ds' generation expect to eat out and split the bill.

Is it actually that's he's not generous or just that it doesn't occur to him? My ex would never have thought to take wine/ flowers etc for a host. Just wasn't on his radar (he was possibly autistic). I just picked something up instead. Can't you do that?

Luckily my DH is more socially aware and would think of it so it eases the load on me!

Urgh! I hate rounds and I buy my own drinks. I resent paying for peoples double vodka’s whilst I drink only cola. Thankfully I live in a country (The Netherlands) where rounds are largely an alien concept.

If you want more considered opinions OP, more information and a definition of what you consider generous is needed.

Is he always mean or is it just presents when visiting others? It wouldn't even cross my mind to expect or offer a gift with a family visit, but others can be different. I also hate rounds as I am a light drinker , so I get called all sorts of names ( light heartedl) for sitting out of them. I also don't like getting into birthday and Christmas present reciprocations!
But I will happily pay for a friend's concert ticket if I invite them and this happens quite often, so sometimes it's just certain areas a person can appear to be mean?

I think this just shows that you have a narrow view and not everyone thinks or acts the same way, in my family we would never expect a guest to buy a round, or bring a gift as they are a guest and guests are not expected to pay ( or bring gifts) .

I bloody hate all this it must be reciprocal horseshit, if someone turns up at mine I don’t expect them to have to bring anything, it’s like being a bloody student

We’d always take something if visiting someone. It wouldn’t matter which of us bought or made it. That’s trues regardless as his family is my family and vice versa. He’d usually get his mother’s Christmas presents as he’d have spoken to her and she’d have mentioned something but equally I’d pick up flowers for her to have when we see her.
He has a few failings, but a lack of generosity and taking responsibility don’t feature. He pays for meals out with or without adult children. It’s ‘our’ money but he settles the bill. With friends he’ll pay the split bill.
Visiting others houses or going to parties it could be either of us - whoever was near a shop or thought of something. For work colleagues he’ll usually do a wine order and I’ll pick up the gift bags and chocolates or biscuits. It doesn’t matter which of our teams it is - we know those each other works closely with.

It’s not really clear what you mean. My husband has a parent who has a new partner and no he doesn’t expect the partner to specifically buy him things. If he gets a present it is signed from them both. If people come to our house or we go to theirs, yes the guest will bring something but it wouldn’t be something separate from each of the couple.

My husband is probably the opposite. The first to buy drinks and offer to pay for meals and always extremely generous with his money ( and time and other things!). While I don’t think this is exactly the way to go, I do think being ‘tight’ is of the most unattractive traits going and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who was like this.

Apologies for being a bit vague here..I don't want to be 'outed'.

So any present occasions, birthdays/Christmas/weddings etc if it's 'my' side (friends/family) I should ask for a contribution to the gift?

If you're a couple the gift would seem more normal to be from you both.

If its his side do you contribute to a gift?

How on Earth would you be outed by such a pedestrian situation? You’re not the only person with a partner and adult children.

A round is reciprocal. That’s what a round is.

Presumably if you go to someone else’s house you don’t bring anything - in which case it’s still reciprocal. You don’t take anything to theirs and they bring nothing to yours.

And I’d say you’re the one with the narrow view - you ‘bloody hate’ the idea that a round is reciprocal.

Everyone does things differently. I think the important thing is balance.

Some people don't 'do' rounds - but that means they should not accept a drink and always buy their own.

Some people like buying lots of cards and gifts and expect the same back. Others want nor appreciate cards or gifts and so don't buy them (in the desperate hope people will get the message)

Some people invite you to dinner because they want to see you, they provide the food, wine and expect nothing. So when they go to your house they expect the same.

Others will always bring a gift because that is their cultural norm, and so expect reciprocity.

We're all just different - usually the people we invite/buy gifts for are friends and family so know what we're like - just as we know what they are like.

Too vague.

If I was bringing a partner of a year to a do, wedding dinner party, christening on my side, I would look after the gift.

If he doesn't by drinks etc at a do like a wedding etc, he's mean.

You need to be more specific.

Is he mean with you on your own?

If he is, dump.

I can't abide meanness and would be mortified to be with a mean person.

We have one of those in our family too.

I buy the presents for my family and dh buys them for his; I wouldn’t expect him to buy my mum a birthday present for example

We would always take a bottle of wine or flowers or something if someone invited us over; as we’re married, doesn’t really matter who buys it on the way there tbh

Also not getting your round in should be illegal

@billy1966 no he isn't mean with me, not super generous but definitely not mean.

To answer about the expectations I'd have OP - in your examples I'd think it was entirely your responsibility to buy these things. The reverse is also true - it's his responsibility to do that for his family. Does he buy you birthday/ xmas gifts and pay his way when you go out? If not, that is a problem.