Partner not generous

[Breakingpoint1961]

What do you do when your partner is not generous with others? By that I mean, your family (adult children) ie taking something when you're invited for dinner, birthday presents etc. I'm not expecting lavish gestures, but something at least. Relationship just over a year.

If you're going to dinner as a couple you should take a gift between you so if you mean he never offers to get something (and this is a regular occurrence) then he's a bit tight.

I hate the idea that people keep tally, it’s just like being a student again,
so and so bought you a drink 2 weeks ago, so you “owe” them one back I absolutely hate that kind of drinking culture , if I get a round it’s because I want to, I don’t expect anything back.

I used to work in a bar and have seen drunk people almost come to blows ( men and women), over some perceived slight that one person has not stood their round, pathetic

Most (adult) people do rounds on the night, for the night - there is no ‘you bought a round two weeks ago’, it’s just people taking turns to go to the bar. No animosity, no squaring up, just people buying each other drinks in a friendly and orderly manner. And nobody keeps a tally because, bar a few exceptions (with whom I would not be friends), people want to do it.

Rounds aren’t a thing where I’m from and they were one of the things about the U.K. that I have loved since I got here. One of my favourite social conventions.

Also a big fan of queues.

My husband is certainly not mean at all, but I definitely sorted out my side for gifts for things we went to and likewise he did for his side.

Look carefully at what he is like with you going forward.

Meanness is so unattractive in a man but it could be that he thinks it is your side to sort out.

If you do feel you are paying a bit more than he is when you are together? Then THAT is mean and a dumping offence.

Does he eat at yours and bring wine etc.
If he doesn't THAT is mean.

When I dated my husband he really appreciated a home cooked meal and I used to cook for him and he came to mine after rugby on Sundays.

He insisted on paying for a lovely meal in a nice restaurant on a Saturday night so it was very fair.

I would so quickly get the Ick for any man that is tight.

So unattractive in a person.

I’m glad you like it - growing up ( and working in) with the UK youth excessive drinking culture, I think its shit.

It’s done on the night. You go ‘round’ and all get the drinks in. That’s what a round is. Accepting drinks from others and feeling no responsibility to get one back for them isn’t getting in a round, it’s just been selfish.

Personally I don’t tend to do rounds unless it’s just me and one/two others, because I don’t drink alcohol, so it would be very costly for me. But I don’t ask others to buy me things in that case as I know I won’t be buying back. In my experience the only people who find it to be ‘pathetic tally keeping’ are those who take when offered but don’t buy when it’s their turn.

You're entitled to your opinion, but ‘excessive drinking culture’? Have you ever lived outside the U.K.? As you guys aren’t even in the top 20 countries worldwide re per capita alcohol consumption.

As a nation, you don’t actually drink a remarkable amount and the dearth of rounds in other places isn’t stymieing anyone’s boozing.

Omg, absolutely not, that's not his responsibility. Why on earth do you think he needs to contribute to that? That's bonkers.. I'm married and would never dream of asking my husband to contribute to presents for my family, that's ludicrous

I've never expected a Partner to buy or contribute to presents for my family, nor has any ever expected me to. Why on earth would you?

I mean in a step parent situation with young children that would be different, but otherwise, sibilings, parents, adult children. No.

Things I have seen as generous would include my inviting my mother for lunch and DH insiting on paying.

@howmanybicycles I completely agree with what you have said.

Yes he is ok, pays his way with me etc.

@IMissVino I’m originally from a country that is generally in the top 6 of counties for alcohol consumption and often in the top 3 worst countries for binge drinking, I know a fair bit about drinking culture, thanks.

Then you know that, as I’ve just stated, the U.K. doesn’t drink a remarkable amount and the dearth of rounds in other places isn’t stymieing anyone’s boozing. As such, you’re free not to like the custom, but conflating the buying of rounds with ‘excessive drinking culture’ is a bit illogical.

Why has this thread descended into an argument about buying rounds!?

The OP asked about going to someone's house for dinner - who "buys rounds" at someone's house???

No, not really, I’m sure you go out with your friends and have a few nice social drinks, I’m from a culture where people go out with the express intention of getting wrecked, a few nice social drinks in rounds soon descends into a shit load of drunks arguing about who’s round is is next, so yeah, rounds are a bad idea 👎

There's only arguments about rounds when there's some scabby git that takes and doesn't reciprocate. Nothing really to do with excessive drinking.

10 years with my partner. I've always sorted gifts for my side of the family and he's always sorted the gifts for his side of the family and they are from the both of us.

I would take not buying a round as a clear sign of being a total dick and would be finished with that relationship the first time I saw it.

Same, honestly.

I wouldn’t be buying family presents for people who are related to someone I’ve only been dating a year. He is your guest at family events, so if you invite him to a family event that you feel you should take a gift to, then you buy it.

Id run a mile if a new partner expected me to contribute to his adult childrens gifts.

Same.

In a social setting, where people are in a round and I have bought a round and my partner is also drinking? Yes I would definitely expect him to buy a round like everyone else.

A hint that he was hesitant would be a massive red flag of meanness.

I would never be in large rounds, certainly no more than 6 people, when I was younger.

If going to see my friends or family I’d expect to take something, I’d not expect him to. And I’d not ask him to contribute either, and vice Versa in going to see his, I’d certainly not be expecting someone I dated a year to buy my adult kids presents.it all sounds a bit grabby

No, you just pay for it yourself. He can pay for gifts to his side. If you ever reach the point in the relationship where money is pooled, then gifts will be paid for jointly that way. Until that point, expecting him to pay is premature.

Does he ask you for a contribution? Or does he just give a gift from you both?

In my friendship circle couples are seen as one team and a gift is always from the both of them/us. Same with rounds, but we're all coupled up so not sure what we'd do if there was a single person present.

How have you taken that from the responses? . Of course you should not ask for a contribution for gifts for your adult children.

@Aprilx a poster asked for more information, that would have 'outed' me as people I know are on this site..