Page 12 | Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

Daftasabroom · 2022-11-20T20:38:39+00:00

New thread, and as previously: This thread is for partners seeking to _understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD_. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Christmascountdownison · 02/01/2023 22:53

For me the difference between a physical disability (even invisible) and ASD is that a physical disability doesn’t impact how you communicate.

Communication is such a complicated subject and is key to any relationship. It is not always clear how to identify issues as autism related, and being able to share lived experiences is so helpful. This thread is so helpful.

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 22:56

Physical disability absolutely can impact how you communicate.

Christmascountdownison · 02/01/2023 23:04

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 22:56

Physical disability absolutely can impact how you communicate.

I’m not talking about the actual ability to hear, speak, write, type etc, I’m talking about all the nuances of communication with others.

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 23:08

Physical disability absolutely can affect that too.

Christmascountdownison · 02/01/2023 23:12

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 23:08

Physical disability absolutely can affect that too.

Ok so what undiagnosed physical disability impacts communication the person’s whole life that can be masked and has the same number of people effected as Autism does? As you are so invested in proving me wrong for some reason?

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 23:18

Severe hearing loss has the same effects but it's a physical disability. It can be masked and there is often little support for those affected. I've no idea how many people are affected or whether it's more than those who have autism and I'm not sure why that's relevant.

Christmascountdownison · 02/01/2023 23:25

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 23:18

Severe hearing loss has the same effects but it's a physical disability. It can be masked and there is often little support for those affected. I've no idea how many people are affected or whether it's more than those who have autism and I'm not sure why that's relevant.

Hearing loss doesn’t result in a mismatch of communication though. It’s not the old Apple vs windows scenario for people with hearing loss.

My point is that so many relationships are effected and being able to discuss personal experiences is valuable.

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 23:32

There's discussing and then there's blaming. Demanding changes in behaviour.

You might as well tell me to walk harder.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 02/01/2023 23:35

What you can’t do is tell other people you know that their difficulties as NTs in a relationship with a neurodiverse partner aren’t due to neurodiversity and expect to have any influence on the conversations.

That poster can and does.

I sometimes wonder they hate autism more than anyone else, because they can never, ever accept that autism can ever be bad in any way as far as I can see ... despite the absolute fact that one of the more notable diagnostic traits of autism is that it is characterized by difficulties in social interaction, sometimes executive functioning, problems with Theory of Mind and a number of other aspects that make life difficult all round, for everyone.

Some autistic people who come here seem more at peace with themselves. Some don't (and keep pushing in on a thread that isn't intended for them, without any understanding).

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 02/01/2023 23:36

... and I give my above post all of 10 seconds before it's deleted =)

BadNomad · 02/01/2023 23:40

Oh yes!

There was a thread a while back. A poster complaining that her DH wouldn't wear his hearing aids, and she was fed up with him mishearing what she was saying from across the room. She would lose her temper with him out of frustration.

Some people believed it was wrong for her to lose her temper with him, that it was abusive to do so, that he never chose to be deaf.

Some people said this would be less of an issue if, instead of talking across the room at him, she walked over to him so he could see her lips before she spoke to him.

Other people said he was selfish because he was choosing not to wear his hearing aids, and it should be on the person with the disability to do whatever they can to minimise the impact of their disability has on other people. Despite multiple deaf/hard-of-hearing posters explaining that hearing aids aren't very effective from across the room, especially when there are other sounds happening, and they can be extremely uncomfortable because they don't have the ability to separate and filter the sounds.

Other posters shared their experiences of living with deaf/HoH people. Deaf/HoH people shared their experiences of having partners who loved them and accepted them and didn't begrudge having to make adjustments.

A number of deaf/HoH posters got upset at the realisation that some people saw them and their deafness as burdens.

I'd post a link, but it got deleted for ableism.

Christmascountdownison · 02/01/2023 23:42

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 23:32

There's discussing and then there's blaming. Demanding changes in behaviour.

You might as well tell me to walk harder.

No it’s you expecting another person to understand that sometimes you might need a wheelchair, you would expect that other person to understand that or try to understand that.

If there was no communication issues then this would not be a problem, However in the relationships discussed here, these issues exist and therefore it is just as you say - as if the ND partner just wants the NT partner to ‘walk harder’ or ‘just get on with it without support’.

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 23:48

BadNomad · 02/01/2023 23:40

Oh yes!

There was a thread a while back. A poster complaining that her DH wouldn't wear his hearing aids, and she was fed up with him mishearing what she was saying from across the room. She would lose her temper with him out of frustration.

Some people believed it was wrong for her to lose her temper with him, that it was abusive to do so, that he never chose to be deaf.

Some people said this would be less of an issue if, instead of talking across the room at him, she walked over to him so he could see her lips before she spoke to him.

Other people said he was selfish because he was choosing not to wear his hearing aids, and it should be on the person with the disability to do whatever they can to minimise the impact of their disability has on other people. Despite multiple deaf/hard-of-hearing posters explaining that hearing aids aren't very effective from across the room, especially when there are other sounds happening, and they can be extremely uncomfortable because they don't have the ability to separate and filter the sounds.

Other posters shared their experiences of living with deaf/HoH people. Deaf/HoH people shared their experiences of having partners who loved them and accepted them and didn't begrudge having to make adjustments.

A number of deaf/HoH posters got upset at the realisation that some people saw them and their deafness as burdens.

I'd post a link, but it got deleted for ableism.

I wish I had seen that thread.

BlueTick · 02/01/2023 23:49

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 23:50

discussed here, these issues exist and therefore it is just as you say - as if the ND partner just wants the NT partner to ‘walk harder’ or ‘just get on with it without support’.

Do not misrepresent either wha it said or the premise of these threads.

The overwhelming premise of these threads is that the ND person is expected to change their behaviour not the NT person.

BlueTick · 02/01/2023 23:52

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Christmascountdownison · 02/01/2023 23:53

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 23:50

discussed here, these issues exist and therefore it is just as you say - as if the ND partner just wants the NT partner to ‘walk harder’ or ‘just get on with it without support’.

Do not misrepresent either wha it said or the premise of these threads.

The overwhelming premise of these threads is that the ND person is expected to change their behaviour not the NT person.

I have to disagree with you there, the premise of these threads is support.

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 23:53

It's impossible for me to compromise my walking because of my disability. I can't walk more.

That's what you're asking of me as a compromise to my autism. Walk more.

Christmascountdownison · 02/01/2023 23:58

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 23:53

It's impossible for me to compromise my walking because of my disability. I can't walk more.

That's what you're asking of me as a compromise to my autism. Walk more.

Not at all - the compromise would be the other person person in your relationship understanding or trying to understand you cannot walk more, or helping you when you needed help.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/01/2023 00:00

The overwhelming premise of these threads is that the ND person is expected to change their behaviour not the NT person.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/01/2023 00:03

whoops , pressed too soon. Up too late…l

just wanted to say that I don’t think anyone on here is asking the ‘ND person’ to change. Everyone who has had this experience knows how unlikely that is. I think what they are asking is a bit of sympathy for their acceptance and sorrow that nothing will or can change . Being continuously harangued for expressing that resignation is tiring.

BadNomad · 03/01/2023 00:05

There isn't a compromise, though. You either understand each other or you don't. You either talk a same language or you don't. It's a two-way thing. He doesn't speak your language, but you don't speak his either. So why are you torturing yourselves by trying, hoping, wishing to change that? Why are you accepting that you are always going to be internally disappointed? Why can't you free yourselves and go find someone who does love you the way you need to be loved? It is unfair to blame your personal unhappiness on someone else. No one is to blame. It just is what it is. All these issues exist in non-ND relationships, too. The advice on here is always "if you can't find a compromise, then leave". It really doesn't matter if the cause behind the unwanted behaviour is autism. It is the behaviour that is affecting you.

BlueTick · 03/01/2023 00:12

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

jamoncrumpets · 03/01/2023 01:21

This reply has been deleted

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

You don't 'flip back' from being autistic 🙄

jamoncrumpets · 03/01/2023 01:25

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/01/2023 00:00

The overwhelming premise of these threads is that the ND person is expected to change their behaviour not the NT person.

The autistic people here are trying to explain that the very concept of change in relationships as broken as the ones here is ridiculous. Autism isn't the issue. It's incompatibility. Neurotypical people split up all the time, for the exact same reasons as the ones here.

Stop blaming your partner's autism for your relationship issues because it takes two people to be in a relationship and clearly there's give and take both sides. If you feel you're the one giving and your partner is the one taking and you're unhappy about that, leave.