Page 3 | New boyfriend 5 months out all night at a party, no idea where or who with- AIBU to be annoyed?

Sminky3 · 2022-11-20T07:19:41+00:00

New boyfriend of 5/6 months. We don’t live together obviously but he stays a lot. he goes out a few times a month which I’ve no real problem with. Last night he was out with friends, went back to a party and text to say he was gonna crash there. I’ve no idea where he is or who he’s with. am I being unreasonable to expect a bit more info than this? Or is this just a mis match in communication/ expectations? Never had this issue before in previous relationships but generally ex boyfriends they weren’t big drinkers/partiers. we are late 30s

NalaNana · 20/11/2022 09:08

5 months is an indicator of time, not necessarily seriousness. 5 months into my current relationship we were in love, seeing each other very often, talking of the future. Even at that time it was probably the most serious relationship I'd been in, despite being with other partners for years. 14 months in we're engaged and expecting a baby!

There's nothing wrong with setting out your stall early if you're looking for something serious. Why would you accept less than you're after initially and then try to adjust the standard later on?

gottachangeforthisone · 20/11/2022 09:10

TedMullins
Then for once in my life I am truly thankful to be old and removed from all this nonsense. I like being married. I don't find doing most things with my DH remotely claustrophobic. In fact after 3 decades it's still a joy.

I have friends I see alone and those we see together. I would never in a million years think of staying out the night with our letting him know where or why. It would just be so disrespectful to the person I share my life with.

As for an 'open relationship' just ergh yuck. A politically correct bollox for wanting to sleep around.

I have a lot of experience from friends who thought this was 'cool' in the 1980s . It wasn't . It ALWAYS involved one partner having a long line of sexual partners that the other so called 'commitment party' put up with. They stupidly thought it was the only way to keep the marriage/relationship from divorce or breakdown. On occasion they would have a different sexual partner which was invariably to make the spouse jealous. Massively destructive to the less secure parties self esteem. Damaging your supposed loved one's mental health is really not 'cool' it's self-absorbed and cruel.

MrsSlavere · 20/11/2022 09:10

YABU.

He's not 15 and you're not his mum. Why should he tell you who he's with and his location?

NancyJoan · 20/11/2022 09:10

I do think you are overthinking it. He didn't just disappear/go silent, he kept you updated , told you where he was (not the address, but you didn’t want that, I don’t think). If you’d been expecting him at yours and he just failed to turn up you’d be right to be miffed, but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. He’s just more of a party person than you are used to, maybe.

Smearywindowsagain · 20/11/2022 09:18

The Rules state men can’t skip Saturday nights unless working. The idea is that seeing you is the high point of the week and they want to spend prime free time with you. If they skip more than twice they’re out. Very harsh but there’s a good reason for it and weeds out men that are basically ‘not that interested’.

SomePosters · 20/11/2022 09:26

Either you trust him enough to have a relationship or you don’t

I would and have ended relationships because partners seemed to think that they have some kind of control over what I do and where I go.

If I want to go to a party I don’t expect to have to repeatedly text somebody or get permission to crash on someone’s couch.

what do you want photos of a bunch of people you don’t know?

It’s just weird and controlling to think you have any day over this after 5 months with someone

if you’re left holding the baby it’s different but you’re not.

SomePosters · 20/11/2022 09:34

gottachangeforthisone · 20/11/2022 09:10

TedMullins
Then for once in my life I am truly thankful to be old and removed from all this nonsense. I like being married. I don't find doing most things with my DH remotely claustrophobic. In fact after 3 decades it's still a joy.

I have friends I see alone and those we see together. I would never in a million years think of staying out the night with our letting him know where or why. It would just be so disrespectful to the person I share my life with.

As for an 'open relationship' just ergh yuck. A politically correct bollox for wanting to sleep around.

I have a lot of experience from friends who thought this was 'cool' in the 1980s . It wasn't . It ALWAYS involved one partner having a long line of sexual partners that the other so called 'commitment party' put up with. They stupidly thought it was the only way to keep the marriage/relationship from divorce or breakdown. On occasion they would have a different sexual partner which was invariably to make the spouse jealous. Massively destructive to the less secure parties self esteem. Damaging your supposed loved one's mental health is really not 'cool' it's self-absorbed and cruel.

Just because it’s not for you doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for others.

I don’t go around pointing out how many monogamous marriages are anything but or denigrating your relationship style or insisting it’s abusive to trap your partner in a sexless marriage for 40 years.

Open relationship can also be abusive of course, not denying that, but that’s doesn’t mean the whole relationship style is written off or it would be for monogamy too… I can certainly point to a lot more unhealthy mono relationships that’s i can poly but that doesn’t mean I think mono is invalid or inherently abusive.

Porcinimushroom · 20/11/2022 09:42

Personally I couldn’t be with someone who tried to exert this level of control,over me, wanting to know where I am and who with at this earth stage, I’m not s child and this comment thst you made that he goes put a few times a month and you’ve no real problem with it is disturbing. Because it reads to me that you have got a problem with it you’re just biding your time to put s stop to it

id look within myself. Your behaviour isn’t healthy. Look to see how you can try to not control

Porcinimushroom · 20/11/2022 09:44

gottachangeforthisone · 20/11/2022 09:10

TedMullins
Then for once in my life I am truly thankful to be old and removed from all this nonsense. I like being married. I don't find doing most things with my DH remotely claustrophobic. In fact after 3 decades it's still a joy.

I have friends I see alone and those we see together. I would never in a million years think of staying out the night with our letting him know where or why. It would just be so disrespectful to the person I share my life with.

As for an 'open relationship' just ergh yuck. A politically correct bollox for wanting to sleep around.

I have a lot of experience from friends who thought this was 'cool' in the 1980s . It wasn't . It ALWAYS involved one partner having a long line of sexual partners that the other so called 'commitment party' put up with. They stupidly thought it was the only way to keep the marriage/relationship from divorce or breakdown. On occasion they would have a different sexual partner which was invariably to make the spouse jealous. Massively destructive to the less secure parties self esteem. Damaging your supposed loved one's mental health is really not 'cool' it's self-absorbed and cruel.

Blimey what a superior and judgey post. They don’t live together, they’ve been together a very short period, he told her he was crashing at his mates, are you really suggesting he should have exppained why and gave the address. How awful. Utterly awful

LoveShitJokes · 20/11/2022 09:47

If I had been seeing someone for a few months and he threw a tantrum because I went on an all night bender with a few mates and didn't check in I'd be 🏃‍♀️

You're his girlfriend not his master. You sound pretty clingy. Fuck that.

gannett · 20/11/2022 10:03

MN threads are all full of cat's bum mouths about "the party lifestyle" but I thoroughly enjoyed it in their 20s and though I do it less in my late 30s I certainly don't consider myself to have "grown out of it", because parties are FUN, that's the point. And you don't necessarily know who will be at a party or where you will end up. Giving someone an itinerary of a big night out in advance is pointless.

If a partner demanded to know exactly who I was with and where I'd end up on a night out, I would consider that a huge red flag.

Lopilo · 20/11/2022 10:52

Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 08:53

Thanks for al your replies. Probably my issue but I guess I’m just thinking so I really want a boyfriend who parties so much and doesn’t even let me know where he’s sleeping at…probably not.

I totally agree with you here. The unsettling thing is more about what he is doing. If he wasn’t contacting you a lot because he was doing something like helping his friend move house, it probably wouldn’t be worrying you at all.

TedMullins · 20/11/2022 11:24

gottachangeforthisone · 20/11/2022 09:10

TedMullins
Then for once in my life I am truly thankful to be old and removed from all this nonsense. I like being married. I don't find doing most things with my DH remotely claustrophobic. In fact after 3 decades it's still a joy.

I have friends I see alone and those we see together. I would never in a million years think of staying out the night with our letting him know where or why. It would just be so disrespectful to the person I share my life with.

As for an 'open relationship' just ergh yuck. A politically correct bollox for wanting to sleep around.

I have a lot of experience from friends who thought this was 'cool' in the 1980s . It wasn't . It ALWAYS involved one partner having a long line of sexual partners that the other so called 'commitment party' put up with. They stupidly thought it was the only way to keep the marriage/relationship from divorce or breakdown. On occasion they would have a different sexual partner which was invariably to make the spouse jealous. Massively destructive to the less secure parties self esteem. Damaging your supposed loved one's mental health is really not 'cool' it's self-absorbed and cruel.

If being old makes you a nasty judgemental old cow then I’m glad I’m not!

Frankola · 20/11/2022 15:53

I wouldn't expect my boyfriend of 5 months to tell me where he was sleeping after a night out. I say this gently, but perhaps you need to work on your trust of him.

CaronPoivre · 20/11/2022 17:50

gottachangeforthisone · 20/11/2022 09:10

TedMullins
Then for once in my life I am truly thankful to be old and removed from all this nonsense. I like being married. I don't find doing most things with my DH remotely claustrophobic. In fact after 3 decades it's still a joy.

I have friends I see alone and those we see together. I would never in a million years think of staying out the night with our letting him know where or why. It would just be so disrespectful to the person I share my life with.

As for an 'open relationship' just ergh yuck. A politically correct bollox for wanting to sleep around.

I have a lot of experience from friends who thought this was 'cool' in the 1980s . It wasn't . It ALWAYS involved one partner having a long line of sexual partners that the other so called 'commitment party' put up with. They stupidly thought it was the only way to keep the marriage/relationship from divorce or breakdown. On occasion they would have a different sexual partner which was invariably to make the spouse jealous. Massively destructive to the less secure parties self esteem. Damaging your supposed loved one's mental health is really not 'cool' it's self-absorbed and cruel.

I'm with you entirely.

Porcinimushroom · 20/11/2022 18:08

Frankola · 20/11/2022 15:53

I wouldn't expect my boyfriend of 5 months to tell me where he was sleeping after a night out. I say this gently, but perhaps you need to work on your trust of him.

Being cheated on in a previous relationship is no reason to behave in a controlling manner, and some posters are not even pretending they have a reason, just putting it out there that they are controlling. That he’d have to say exactly who he’s with and where he’s staying. It really is dreadful

gottachangeforthisone · 20/11/2022 18:17

*TedMullins

If being old makes you a nasty judgemental old cow then I’m glad I’m not!
*
Gosh that seems to have hit a nerve. !
Happy to be called 'judgemental' of 'Open relationships' ... age brings experience of monumental clap-trap.

If your husband/wife/partner is seriously disabled and unable to have sex .. and with his/her agreement is happy for you to have sex with others , then ok ... just about . With reservations.

If this is not the case then just yuck .. and you have never truly loved another .
You make a commitment to another person, marriage or cohabitation. With the understanding that you are their soulmate...AMD YET think it perfect acceptable to be intimate .. no let's call a spade a spade .. for some random to poke his dick into your vagina or for you to poke yours into hers ..
With ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION of it being anything more .. then I feel truly sorry for you.. (but hey ! I bet you feel super cool with this ideology' )

amiold · 20/11/2022 18:19

You can't put a time on feelings. Not sure why people keep referencing 5 months. If you're official and want to know where he is then you're free to ask. If he doesn't want to tell you and that doesn't sit with you then dump him. You need to manage your expectations. No two relationships are alike, what works for one won't work for another. Maybe you want different things.

Moretodo · 20/11/2022 18:55

The thing that would bother me is the change in his communication style, you say you usually communicate very frequently, and suddenly that changed, he's out all night, staying with 'random' people that he doesn't know.

It doesn't add up in the context of your relationship so far. If you pretend to be fine with it, you are setting yourself up for this to be a pattern.

Would he be fine with this from you? Staying out all night at the home of someone you don't know.

Is this something you can accept long term?

If what he is saying is true, it is at the least risky behaviour.
Can you accept that long term?

Put yourself first here. Pay attention to how you are feeling. Do the right thing by you.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/11/2022 18:55

Last night he was out with friends, went back to a party and text to say he was gonna crash there. I’ve no idea where he is or who he’s with.

You say you're happy with him having solo nights out, which is well & good as it would be odd to be otherwise - even in a committed cohabiting relationship.

But are you really ...?

Because you DO know where he is & who he's with.
He's with friends, at a party, & crashing at the party friend's house.

Why would you need more info than that - or more immediate info?
Surely when you next see him that info will come up naturally? -
"yeah, we went to Steve's to watch the XYZ/carry on drinking/playstation/whatever - you should have seen the state of Alan! - I lost a drinking game, lots of fun, we found Ben fast asleep clutching the base of the bog ..."
ie the standard party postmortem beloved of pals everywhere?

So the real question is - why did you need to know in real time? To check up on him? Vet what other women are around who else is there?

If you'd posted that your b/f was upset (enough to start a forum post for advice!) about not being given chapter & verse about your exact whereabouts & companions while you were still enjoying your night out, I'd be telling you to watch the red flags & start being very alert for other signs of controlling behaviour.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/11/2022 19:00

I’ve never had a partner who goes out all night, felt a bit strange waking up this morning not knowing where he had been or who with

But why WOULD you know that? You don't live together!
It's also not like you didn't know what he was doing - he told you!

I am sorry to read you were cheated on previously though. I hope you don't allow that experience to mar the enjoyment & fun you should be feeling about dating a new guy.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/11/2022 19:03

Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 07:56

…how strange, his name is Theo

Nooooo!

Those minxes @Paq & @maroonhaze were obviously at the party OP.

Get your b/f to spill the beans about what they got up to when you do the party postmortem with him 😁

KettrickenSmiled · 20/11/2022 19:06

NalaNana · 20/11/2022 08:08

@Sminky3 that would get my back up for sure. Why would he be meeting new people on a night out and going back to their house to stay? It's not damning that he's cheated obviously but what's the intention there it just seems very disrespectful to me!

JFC

Some PP treat the men they are with like under-performing direct reports, not b/f's ...

I can't believe you feel entitled to demand that a b/f not meet new people on a night out @NalaNana

KettrickenSmiled · 20/11/2022 19:09

Mehmeh22 · 20/11/2022 08:22

Had a boyfriend like this. Absolute waster and it never changed. He would have ME apologising in the end.

If he can't respect you enough to just let you know he's ok, then he's not worth your time. It'd not like he's 20 or something

Ok a one off is fine, but if he has you apologising, then bin him off. Don't waste years like me.

Eh? He did let OP know he's ok ...

NalaNana · 20/11/2022 19:12

@KettrickenSmiled our relationship has certain boundaries that we both respect and live happily within. Our boundaries don't have to be the same as yours. I don't give a shiny shit what your boundaries are, and have no interest in judging your relationship (or lack of, whatever the case may be). Have a nice evening!