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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New boyfriend 5 months out all night at a party, no idea where or who with- AIBU to be annoyed?

96 replies

Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 07:19

New boyfriend of 5/6 months. We don’t live together obviously but he stays a lot.
he goes out a few times a month which I’ve no real problem with.
Last night he was out with friends, went back to a party and text to say he was gonna crash there. I’ve no idea where he is or who he’s with.
am I being unreasonable to expect a bit more info than this? Or is this just a mis match in communication/ expectations?
Never had this issue before in previous relationships but generally ex boyfriends they weren’t big drinkers/partiers.
we are late 30s

OP posts:
Paq · 20/11/2022 07:20

What's the problem? Do you trust him?

maroonhaze · 20/11/2022 07:26

I think you are being unreasonable.
He doesn't have to tell you where he is. He also doesn't have to keep you updated with his movements Theo

Paq · 20/11/2022 07:28

Who's Theo? 😀

maroonhaze · 20/11/2022 07:28

Sausage fingers... he doesn't have to keep you updated with his movements through the night.

As a PP said, do you trust him? Has he given you reason not to? That's the important bit.

maroonhaze · 20/11/2022 07:29

Paq · 20/11/2022 07:28

Who's Theo? 😀

😄 I bloody hate that we can't edit!

Simonjt · 20/11/2022 07:31

Well your not his parent, do you always tell him exactly where you and who you are with?

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts · 20/11/2022 07:31

The problem is that you don’t trust him. I went to a party with my husband a couple of weeks ago. At 1am I went home, he rocked in around 7am having been on to a house party and crashed on the sofa. Is it a problem for me? No because I trust him.

if you don’t trust your boyfriend (and presumably until today he hasn’t done anything to break your trust) then this is your problem, not his.

having said that, a calm chat about expectations around partying, monogamy and communication styles could prevent future dramas.

Everydaywheniwakeup · 20/11/2022 07:31

YABVU. You've been together 5 minutes months, he doesn't have to update you with his movements. If you were a man and he was a woman everyone would say you were a controlling bastard.

Aprilx · 20/11/2022 07:33

I’d expect to know where my husband is overnight, but a boyfriend of 5/6 months having a night out with friends, maybe or maybe not. You say you don’t have a “real” problem with him going out a few times a month, that suggests you have a slight problem with it, a bit much fir such a new relationship.

NoDatingForOldMen · 20/11/2022 07:33

You are being unreasonable, he doesn’t need to tell you where he is going / what he is doing all the time, you have only been together a few months

Paq · 20/11/2022 07:34

@maroonhaze too late. The boyf is now called Theo in my head and I'm creating an elaborate backstory for him. Possibly a secret agent on a mission with the "all night party" cover story for the OP.

ivykaty44 · 20/11/2022 07:36

Why do you feel it’s a problem for your boyfriend to go to a party and stay out all night?

JorisBonson · 20/11/2022 07:37

Everydaywheniwakeup · 20/11/2022 07:31

YABVU. You've been together 5 minutes months, he doesn't have to update you with his movements. If you were a man and he was a woman everyone would say you were a controlling bastard.

This.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/11/2022 07:44

He’s been to a party with his friends. What more do you need to know? If you were going to have a talk with him about communication and expectations, what exactly are yours? That he tells you the names of everyone present? That he sends you a photo of exactly where he’s going to sleep? That he gives you the address so you can snoop it out online and check who’s registered as living there?

If you can’t trust somebody to be out of contact with you overnight then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them.

maroonhaze · 20/11/2022 07:45

Paq · 20/11/2022 07:34

@maroonhaze too late. The boyf is now called Theo in my head and I'm creating an elaborate backstory for him. Possibly a secret agent on a mission with the "all night party" cover story for the OP.

😂😂

gottachangeforthisone · 20/11/2022 07:51

I am nearly 60 and married for decades so readily admit to complete bewilderment at the politics of relationships today.

My eldest is in a LTR. At the beginning, I know I drove her insane asking 'when are we going to meet your boyfriend' . Apparently you are not in a bf/gf relationship until you decide to become. 'exclusive' .. and even then - you both have very independent lives and friends. Yet spend a lot of 'home time ' together . Meeting up socially frequently and gradually introducing each other to your social groups. This didn't happen with her until about the 8 month mark.

It seems it's essential to register one's 'independent' credentials. Never wanting to appear 'needy' . Until you are bf/gf you are simply 'seeing them' but not exclusively and apparently should not have expectations of fidelity. So according to todays social norms around dating YABU

All seems so complicated. 35 years ago it all seemed so much easier. You met a man , if you liked him you flirted a bit. If he liked you - he asked you out. You went out and if you got on - you were bf/gf , went to social events together... eventually moved in together.. a few years later when/if kids were planned you got married.

Prefer my way . Much less game playing.

Original poster
Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 07:54

Thanks for all your responses. People really love to jump down your throat here.

yes I want a photo of where he sleeps and the exact address so I can snoop it online 🙄

I’ve never had a partner who goes out all night, felt a bit strange waking up this morning not knowing where he had been or who with, usually we are in a lot of contact and he would know what I’m up to and vice versa. Happy to hear it’s a ‘me’ issue and I know probably stems from past infidelity in my marriage.

it may be unreasonable but I probably would like to know just whose party he’s at so I have a rough idea of where he is etc more for peace of mind for myself. I will have a chat with him about it today and explain where I am coming from

OP posts:
Witsendwilly · 20/11/2022 07:54

If my husband told me he was going to a party all night with friends then that is all I need to know, to not expect to see or hear from him until the next day.

Why would I need to know more? Especially if we didn’t even live together? How odd

Original poster
Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 07:55

We are ‘exclusive’ for 5 months, met around 8 months ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 07:56

I do think sometimes the replies you get on mumsnet aren’t what you would tell your friends in the ‘real’ world. I’d probably tell my friends a quick text to say where they are is pretty normal

OP posts:
Original poster
Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 07:56

…how strange, his name is Theo

OP posts:
NalaNana · 20/11/2022 08:02

I'd be questioning the relationship if it was me. It's not about trust, it's about respecting my boundaries. I suppose it depends how he knows these people/if he knows them at all. If he's been out with friends and stayed on their sofa then fine, but if he's been out with friends and they've met a group of people and gone for afters at a random home and he's stayed there, I'd have an issue with that for sure.

Ps you won't get a true balance of views here, I think half the women have been married long enough that they wish their husband would stay out more 😂

Fireflygal · 20/11/2022 08:04

@Sminky3 I'm not sure why you have had a hard time. Usually a bf will give some details, going to a party with X, who lives in Y. Therefore if he texts he is staying over it's less of a surprise due to travel.

I wouldn't find this behaviour attractive, from the heavy drinking aspect. I know some people get completely wrecked most weekends but it isn't the norm and usually by the 30s adults have grown out of it.

It's quite OK not to like this behaviour including the lack of information. I doubt it's a one off, perhaps he now feels more comfortable to be like his real self.

maroonhaze · 20/11/2022 08:04

Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 07:54

Thanks for all your responses. People really love to jump down your throat here.

yes I want a photo of where he sleeps and the exact address so I can snoop it online 🙄

I’ve never had a partner who goes out all night, felt a bit strange waking up this morning not knowing where he had been or who with, usually we are in a lot of contact and he would know what I’m up to and vice versa. Happy to hear it’s a ‘me’ issue and I know probably stems from past infidelity in my marriage.

it may be unreasonable but I probably would like to know just whose party he’s at so I have a rough idea of where he is etc more for peace of mind for myself. I will have a chat with him about it today and explain where I am coming from

Haven't people just answered your question rather than jumped down your throat?

I think it's a good idea to have the conversation with him but I do think it's important to understand this is your issue to resolve and not his. If it's coming from anxiety or insecurity then him telling you exactly where he is and when he'll be back is not addressing the underlying issue.

Original poster
Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 08:04

NalaNana · 20/11/2022 08:02

I'd be questioning the relationship if it was me. It's not about trust, it's about respecting my boundaries. I suppose it depends how he knows these people/if he knows them at all. If he's been out with friends and stayed on their sofa then fine, but if he's been out with friends and they've met a group of people and gone for afters at a random home and he's stayed there, I'd have an issue with that for sure.

Ps you won't get a true balance of views here, I think half the women have been married long enough that they wish their husband would stay out more 😂

Thanks for this. I guess I didn’t know at all who he was at a party with and why he needed to crash there, turned out it was randoms from the bar

OP posts: