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Original poster

New boyfriend 5 months out all night at a party, no idea where or who with- AIBU to be annoyed?

96 replies

Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 07:19

New boyfriend of 5/6 months. We don’t live together obviously but he stays a lot.
he goes out a few times a month which I’ve no real problem with.
Last night he was out with friends, went back to a party and text to say he was gonna crash there. I’ve no idea where he is or who he’s with.
am I being unreasonable to expect a bit more info than this? Or is this just a mis match in communication/ expectations?
Never had this issue before in previous relationships but generally ex boyfriends they weren’t big drinkers/partiers.
we are late 30s

OP posts:
Original poster
Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 08:06

Fireflygal · 20/11/2022 08:04

@Sminky3 I'm not sure why you have had a hard time. Usually a bf will give some details, going to a party with X, who lives in Y. Therefore if he texts he is staying over it's less of a surprise due to travel.

I wouldn't find this behaviour attractive, from the heavy drinking aspect. I know some people get completely wrecked most weekends but it isn't the norm and usually by the 30s adults have grown out of it.

It's quite OK not to like this behaviour including the lack of information. I doubt it's a one off, perhaps he now feels more comfortable to be like his real self.

Thanks for this. He did say he was having an easy night as was out Friday night too so it was a surprise when he said he was crashing at a party.

OP posts:
maroonhaze · 20/11/2022 08:07

Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 07:56

…how strange, his name is Theo

No! 😳

Guitarbar · 20/11/2022 08:07

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, he said he was staying out it's up to you whether you assume that means he's with another woman or not (if he was it's not like he'd say anyway!).

NalaNana · 20/11/2022 08:08

@Sminky3 that would get my back up for sure. Why would he be meeting new people on a night out and going back to their house to stay? It's not damning that he's cheated obviously but what's the intention there it just seems very disrespectful to me!

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 20/11/2022 08:08

Everydaywheniwakeup · 20/11/2022 07:31

YABVU. You've been together 5 minutes months, he doesn't have to update you with his movements. If you were a man and he was a woman everyone would say you were a controlling bastard.

Exactly this

baileys6904 · 20/11/2022 08:10

To be honest, yes I would expect better communication from a partner however, as a one in a blue moon occurance, I wouldn't be bothered
However, as I think pp have alluded to, he's not your partner. He's your boyfriend of 5 months. That's almost like a hangover from summer ( and I mean no disrespect, just trying to explain expectations).
You mentioned infidelity in a previous relationship, did you get help with that? Again, no disrespect, but that shit can stay with you forever if you let it. Perhaps this relationship is a bit early or perhaps a bit of talking therapy may help you now and in the future?

PicturesOfDogs · 20/11/2022 08:13

NalaNana · 20/11/2022 08:08

@Sminky3 that would get my back up for sure. Why would he be meeting new people on a night out and going back to their house to stay? It's not damning that he's cheated obviously but what's the intention there it just seems very disrespectful to me!

Tbh, it doesn’t sound like cheating to me, more likely they’ve all got on the gear and are telling each other their life stories in the kitchen all night

TedMullins · 20/11/2022 08:14

gottachangeforthisone · 20/11/2022 07:51

I am nearly 60 and married for decades so readily admit to complete bewilderment at the politics of relationships today.

My eldest is in a LTR. At the beginning, I know I drove her insane asking 'when are we going to meet your boyfriend' . Apparently you are not in a bf/gf relationship until you decide to become. 'exclusive' .. and even then - you both have very independent lives and friends. Yet spend a lot of 'home time ' together . Meeting up socially frequently and gradually introducing each other to your social groups. This didn't happen with her until about the 8 month mark.

It seems it's essential to register one's 'independent' credentials. Never wanting to appear 'needy' . Until you are bf/gf you are simply 'seeing them' but not exclusively and apparently should not have expectations of fidelity. So according to todays social norms around dating YABU

All seems so complicated. 35 years ago it all seemed so much easier. You met a man , if you liked him you flirted a bit. If he liked you - he asked you out. You went out and if you got on - you were bf/gf , went to social events together... eventually moved in together.. a few years later when/if kids were planned you got married.

Prefer my way . Much less game playing.

None of that is about game playing though. I can’t speak for everyone but I don’t WANT to immediately be exclusive with someone, I want to test the waters to see if they’re someone I can envisage becoming more serious. And if/when that does happen I don’t want to suddenly have to do everything as a pair. I want to see my friends without my (and their) partners and have alone time. I’m still an autonomous human. I’d hate to feel beholden to someone from the first date and be expected to only socialise as a couple from then on, that sounds horribly claustrophobic to me. I’m actually planning a solo holiday soon and my bf and I have an open relationship because we relish and prioritise our independence as much as our relationship.

anyway, OP yes for a 5 month relationship YABU.

Thurst · 20/11/2022 08:15

Everyone wants and needs different things from a relationship. I would hate to have to tell someone what I was doing all the time. I’d feel suffocated and patronised. Some people like to have a close relationship where you are constantly communicating.
You are just at the beginning of your new relationship so it’s the time to work out if this is the right thing for both of you. There is no 100% right or wrong with these things.

maroonhaze · 20/11/2022 08:15

NalaNana · 20/11/2022 08:08

@Sminky3 that would get my back up for sure. Why would he be meeting new people on a night out and going back to their house to stay? It's not damning that he's cheated obviously but what's the intention there it just seems very disrespectful to me!

Why? Is it not ok to meet people and go to a party? Do we have to hand in our fun badge as soon as we get a boyfriend/girlfriend?

It's nice meeting new people.

ConnieTucker · 20/11/2022 08:19

I dont see the issue with letting you know what he was doing because he did. He also did update you and told you he was at a party and crashing there.

however, i think whether this is going anywhere depends on what you are after. I wouldn't, in my late 30’s, want to have a partner who so frequently went out drinking and crashing in random places. That’s not the life I would have been interested at that age.

NalaNana · 20/11/2022 08:19

@maroonhaze I don't know about you, but in my experience a man has never approached me at a bar wanting to be just friends

Outtasteamandluck · 20/11/2022 08:22

Ok, I'm reading between the lines here (could be wrong) but are you really asking if it's possible he's really been off to cheat ?

PiggyInTheLidl · 20/11/2022 08:22

You did know where he was: crashing at a party.

Not unusual for all the details to be related chatting the next day.

And if a friend in RL asked me if this was OK I would say the same.

However, I would wonder how compatible I was with a thirty something who still partied like that and ends up at the houses of people he doesn’t know. Personally I haven’t done that since I was a student, and at the flats of other students and grew a lot less interested in party lifestyle. Personal preferences.

Mehmeh22 · 20/11/2022 08:22

Had a boyfriend like this. Absolute waster and it never changed. He would have ME apologising in the end.

If he can't respect you enough to just let you know he's ok, then he's not worth your time. It'd not like he's 20 or something

Ok a one off is fine, but if he has you apologising, then bin him off. Don't waste years like me.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 20/11/2022 08:26

I wouldn’t like this situation personally.
Not because I’d worry about cheating or because I’d expect a new partner to inform me where they are, but because I would t want to be in a relationship with someone with that lifestyle in their late 30s. Sounds chaotic to be doing this a few times a month

minticecreamisjustok · 20/11/2022 08:27

It would give me the ick to have a bf late 30's that still has this party lifestyle to the extent he stays with random people he met at the bar.

Original poster
Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 08:27

I don’t actually think he’s cheating. I’m more just miffed he didn’t think to tell me where he was or who with in the way we usually do.

OP posts:
Lopilo · 20/11/2022 08:39

I don’t really understand why you need to know where he is all the time. You are not his mum and he is not a teenager(despite the crashing at parties). If you don’t live together, presumably there are lots of nights when you don’t actually know where he is, or what he is doing.

If it is about him being unfaithful, no amount of text updates will stop him being unfaithful, if that is what he wants to do.

Original poster
Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 08:41

Lopilo · 20/11/2022 08:39

I don’t really understand why you need to know where he is all the time. You are not his mum and he is not a teenager(despite the crashing at parties). If you don’t live together, presumably there are lots of nights when you don’t actually know where he is, or what he is doing.

If it is about him being unfaithful, no amount of text updates will stop him being unfaithful, if that is what he wants to do.

I’d say this is the first time since we got properly serious I haven’t really known what he is up to. We tend to keep in very regular contact

OP posts:
H34th · 20/11/2022 08:43

I didn't read the full thread but there seems to be a lot of 'he's your bf not your partner'.

OP is choosing a partner. LTR start somewhere. And to choose the right one for you you pay attention to these things at the beginning.

From what I'm understanding it is not so much about whether she trusts him or not but whether what he is doing is compatible with OP's expectations.

I'd say if it makes YOU uncomfortable it is a bit of a red flag. Look at him as a whole picture etc. of course. But do bare in mind that the partying will likely not stop once you're more serious. It may stop but likely it will not.

Original poster
Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 08:53

Thanks for al your replies. Probably my issue but I guess I’m just thinking so I really want a boyfriend who parties so much and doesn’t even let me know where he’s sleeping at…probably not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sminky3 · 20/11/2022 08:54

And I am 100% looking for a long term partner. Some posters are saying they would expect this from their husband but not a new boyfriend…does that just change on the wedding day? Surely you are laying the foundations down for a healthy relationship before that

OP posts:
CaronPoivre · 20/11/2022 09:00

In fairness, I’d expect - if I was at a point of sleeping with someone, even after nearly forty years together - for a few details to come out in conversation. Not an interrogation but an interest in what each other was doing. Even if my husband says he’s meeting someone for lunch he’d usually say who (whether I know them or not) and I might ask where they are eating or what time he thinks he’ll be back. I’d imagine that was a normal thing to happen.

skippy67 · 20/11/2022 09:01

What difference would it make knowing who's party he was at? You don't live together, you've been together 5 months! As for the "respecting boundaries", maybe he doesn't know what yours are yet, due to you only having been together 5 months...