Should I split up with my children’s father because he is never here?

[Oopsididitagain87]

I will try to keep this brief. We are not married. We have two small children. One toddler one and just started school. My boyfriend doesn’t want to live with me as there is no work in my area. So he works away all week and is usually around on a Saturday and Sunday.

I would be happy to move. So we can be together as a family. But I currently have no job (as I am looking after younger one) and therefore no money.

My boyfriend doesn’t have a home. His work just puts him up in hotels in the cities he works in. He could find commutable work easily in the right area and would be willing to do so.

But my boyfriend does not want to rent a home for us. I would be happy to find a job if he could stomach stumping up a deposit and signing a lease on somewhere. It doesn’t have to be a palace. I have very low standards believe me!

I just can’t see how we are going to be together unless me and the kids move and I can’t figure out how it is going to be possible off my own back.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated! I keep thinking myself in circles and coming back to square one!

What are his other outgoings?

I’d be frustrated if I was you too. Sounds like you need your own place. Is there a reason you can’t work? UC pays a large percentage of childcare, so you don’t need to rely on family. That way you can rent your own place. Start saving for a deposit, don’t rely on him as he’s not going to stump up money for a house when he doesn’t seem to see it as his responsibility to house you and your children. It’s not much of a relationship, fair enough if you were doing this whilst you saved a deposit to buy a house but that’s not the case. My stance in life has never been to rely on a man to get you what you want in life.

I spat out my coffee when I saw how little money he gives you. I would expect a minimum of 300 a week.

Forget him and start building a life for yourself

Such a sad post.

this man is a pathetic example of a father and partner

i don’t even know what to say

He won’t. And you know it.

There’s precious little ‘it’ to end here. Move on with your life. He has to contribute maintenance but I’m going to guess he’ll contribute bugger all else.

I cannot get over the £70 per week. £10 per day.
IT IS LITERALLY LESS THAN A BEGGAR EARNS.

Right oh! So HE went on the " calculator thing" and HE, just told you what it said, and you believed him? Is he on minimum wage despite being in jobs where they pay his hotel fees, because £70 per week for 2 kids is a pittance and explains why you have no money for a deposit - I be he has though.
He's found a cheep way to get kids and sex when he wants. Sorry, that's about it really. Putting your uni education to good use meantime, whatever possessed you to do this - don't tell me, love, lust etc.

You had a child with him when still in the honeymoon phase of dating where everything is lovely, then you had another. 5 years down the line, honeymoon well over, the heady lust veil is slipping and you are coming to realise that really, despite 2 kids, you never got beyond the dating phase in the first place or since and he has no intention of going beyond it, just a lot of excuses.
How about going on the site yourself, and working out yourself, how much he should pay you based on what he actually earns?
Your family think he's great? Well, if they are happy paying the big shortfall - basically funding you and your DC, so he doesn't have to - sounds like they are a tad too desperate to keep him in your life for some reason, and that's just a strange attitude to have.

He didn't want the dcs and only wants you as a weekend fu*ktoy.

Ltb.

Ditch him and get a job. I promise you, your life will be so much better. He won’t change. Why would he?

OP - With him or without him - you need to get yourself back into employment.

It will open up your eyes and broaden your horizons

This is no way to live for you and your DC.

Op clearly didn't and isn't one to reason with or see the irresponsibility of her choices. Who decides to bring one let alone two kids into such a situation.

This is so odd. He works in a job that pays his hotel bill 5 nights a week. And he sends you £70 a week for the kids.
This makes no sense. A job where hotels were paid each night surely would not be minimum wage. what on earth is he doing with the rest of his money considering he literally has zero living costs?
Do you know what he does with it? Do you even know what he earns?

You definitely need to get a solid answer from him. Why on earth a man will not commit to living with his family is just nuts. Is his money really more important to him?

He either spends most or all of it having a good time in the week.

Or he already has a house and family elsewhere. And I bet he tells them he works weekends away.

It makes no sense whatsoever. It sounds like he is simply paying you money for the dc he had with you and keeping you stashed away as his little weekend treat. All for the bargain cost of £70.

Absolutely raise your standards. Look at options to retrain. you can do online courses from home OP to get you started. Many are free to get you the basic knowledge and then you go from there.
And Defintely get proof of what he earns and then YOU do the online CMS calculater thing. Once you seperate he will still ahve to pay CM, probably more than he is now and also have his dc on weekends or during the week.

Start putting yourself first. Because this pathetic little man isn't.

So I went on the calculator thing because I know how many much he is currently earning. I do his invoices. I should be getting between £180 to £200 per week. Depending on how many nights he has the children. He isn't going to to get here until late tonight. I will talk to him.

I'm beginning to think the OP is winding us up.

I guarantee I wouldn't get that if I told him where to go. Because he is self-employed. He would finish up this job maybe but it ends at Christmas. Then take a long holiday. And do some cash in hand work. I would never be able to keep track of what he's earning.

Ok? What’s the thread for?

But why is he paying you the separated parent rate? That makes no sense if you are not separated. Why isn’t he paying all the costs for the DC and yourself ? You are providing all the childcare.

If you ‘love’ your visitor, are ok with you and the visitor being unable and unwilling to house or provide for your kids, what would you like us to say?

Good luck tonight OP. I hope when faced with your revised figures he realises he needs to step up and provide for his family.

Put it to him like that. That he needs to provide for you and his children. Hopefully his reaction will be to agree to the £200 a week, that will give you a chance to save a little bit?

How old is he? He is happy for you to stay living with your family, but he still needs to provide money for this. Tell him you have to pay rent (or more rent if you so already) and as you cannot work because of the dc at the moment he has to provide it (or provide childcare costs so you you also go out and work).

If he refuses or begrudges this, then yes I definitely think you should start to consider life without him. And let him know that that life will involve him having his children on weekends - for which he needs to provide a house for them!

I don't think I'd want to rent with him.

He sounds miserly. You'd be stuck paying at least half, while doing all the wifework and childcare while he flits around playing the single life.

Does he ever do anything with you and the kids? Take you out places? Go on holiday? Buy birthday and Christmas gifts for any of you?

you could scrimp and save to be near him and it wouldn’t get you anywhere except closer to financial ruin. If he wanted to be with you and his children, he would be with you.

the fact that you know he would avoid paying the maintenance he owes his children tells you everything you need to know about him. It should give you the ick. A man who doesn’t want to provide for his children and who doesn’t want to be involved in their lives should be massively unattractive.

I thought you said you did his books.

PLEASE ask him for the £200. Don't even mention the £180 option 🙏