Should I split up with my children’s father because he is never here?

[Oopsididitagain87]

I will try to keep this brief. We are not married. We have two small children. One toddler one and just started school. My boyfriend doesn’t want to live with me as there is no work in my area. So he works away all week and is usually around on a Saturday and Sunday.

I would be happy to move. So we can be together as a family. But I currently have no job (as I am looking after younger one) and therefore no money.

My boyfriend doesn’t have a home. His work just puts him up in hotels in the cities he works in. He could find commutable work easily in the right area and would be willing to do so.

But my boyfriend does not want to rent a home for us. I would be happy to find a job if he could stomach stumping up a deposit and signing a lease on somewhere. It doesn’t have to be a palace. I have very low standards believe me!

I just can’t see how we are going to be together unless me and the kids move and I can’t figure out how it is going to be possible off my own back.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated! I keep thinking myself in circles and coming back to square one!

@northernlight20 5 years

Why would he change a set up that works so well for him?

Youre tied up raising his children and he can pop in and out without affecting his single young man life or having to do any of grunt work of parenting.

please at least tell me you’re using contraception?

But presumably you still had some conversations about things when you decided to keep the babies and during pregnancy? Like where you were going to live, what you were going to live on, that kind of thing?

OP not living together is one thing but not living together plus him paying you child maintenance based on calculation as if you were not together just makes it sound like you are not an actual family unit.

@SomePosters yes we are using contraception

What? I don't understand this at all. This amount is the bare minimum that a separated person (usually the man) is expected to send to the primary care giver. I would expect a good deal more financial imput if you are a couple. It really doesn't sound like you are in any real sense.

Sorry op but surely you must realise you deserve better than him. He's living the life of Riley! He has no commitments and lives off you at the weekends paying the bare minimum for his children, which for me would be all I needed to know to decide to end things with him.

So the general consensus is end it?

What is he steps up and says he will rent somewhere for us to live?

He won't

I think you deserve better. Give him the ultimatum to step up or end it, but do you really want to live unsupported away from family?

He has had over 5 years to do the normal thing and live with his girlfriend and children, he isn't going to do it now.

What I am baffled by is why you and your family have such low expectations - are you very young? The vast vast majority of couples with kids live together, why didn't you expect that earlier and why are your family so accepting of it?

He’s just not that into you. I think the best thing for you is to develop a bit of independence. What are your qualifications? Does your family provide childcare? It may be well taking this time to train /qualify in something. That way when youngest goes off to nursery/ school you have better prospects. Definitely consider something vocational.

He currently keeps 85% of his wage minus whatever he is paying his mum in dig money (not much I assume for a night or so a fortnight) you move in together and it’ll be family money and he will be comparatively skint compared to now.

Have you previously worked, do you have qualifications? I am surprised by your family's reaction about it is normal for partners to work away. Some partners have to but you usually have a home base together. I am surprised they are keen for you to stay in this living arrangement with you living with them with 2 small children. Have you ever lived away from home, been independent?

Why would he? He's already paying you the amount calculated by the CMS. He will be worse off if he rents with you.

I have an Art degree that is not worth the paper it's written on really lol! My family cannot provide childcare. I would love to retrain! In anything really! Don't mind what! I like the like the idea of working from home but this is very much a dream. Although remote jobs have gone up since covid.

I'm surprised by your families attitude to this too. Highly unusual to think like this.

They really like him and also they don't want me to move away. So either route they would lose one of us.

What is it about him that you love?

Have you worked?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that.

End what though? Him stopping by for a shag when he’s not busy with work? You’ll still get his minimum contribution to the costs of the kids and won’t have to store half his stuff.

It’s not comparable to a partner who works away because this man is not your partner. Not in any way.

I just don't understand why your family would like him.

My parents would be too angry with someone who knocked me up, didn't want to live with me, do any parenting, barely paid any maintenance to even speak to him

But he’s not going to step up….because he doesn’t want to

He doesn’t want to be present in yours or the kids life, doesn’t want a home with you, doesn’t want to commit to you. Christ, he doesn’t love you. Why are you ignoring him when he is telling you loudly who he is?

Please stop torpedoing your life for a man who nips over for a shag on a Saturday.

So he's basically your lodger (who doesn't pay rent) at the weekends? ALL the childcare during the week is down to you? He's not a father. If he was he would be using every penny he earns to put a roof of your own, over your heads as a family. Clearly you aren't happy op, so tell him it's over, I'm not really sure what you'd be losing out on, as he's not involved in any way by the sounds of it. At least if you split, he could look after the kids at the weekend, and you'd get a much deserved break from being a solo parent 24/7.

@toomuchlaundry yes I have just worked part time jobs whilst at uni and lived away whilst at uni. Got no problem getting stuck in and stumping up half the rent. Just don't have that initial deposit at hand currently.