Should I split up with my children’s father because he is never here?

[Oopsididitagain87]

I will try to keep this brief. We are not married. We have two small children. One toddler one and just started school. My boyfriend doesn’t want to live with me as there is no work in my area. So he works away all week and is usually around on a Saturday and Sunday.

I would be happy to move. So we can be together as a family. But I currently have no job (as I am looking after younger one) and therefore no money.

My boyfriend doesn’t have a home. His work just puts him up in hotels in the cities he works in. He could find commutable work easily in the right area and would be willing to do so.

But my boyfriend does not want to rent a home for us. I would be happy to find a job if he could stomach stumping up a deposit and signing a lease on somewhere. It doesn’t have to be a palace. I have very low standards believe me!

I just can’t see how we are going to be together unless me and the kids move and I can’t figure out how it is going to be possible off my own back.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated! I keep thinking myself in circles and coming back to square one!

I just can’t see how we are going to be together unless me and the kids move and I can’t figure out how it is going to be possible off my own back.
OP - you're not going to be together.
If he wanted to rent his own home he would - he doesn't.
If he wanted to live with you he would - he doesn't.

He pays £70 a week for 24/7 childcare, & expects you to feed, clothe & house his DC for that pittance.
How about telling him you are going to start work, so need him to stump up for 50% of the childcare costs, ON TOP of his £70.

His answer will tell you what you need to know about him.

@oreo2020 your heart does not deserve this pain

I’ve pm’d you OP ad my story is very similar!

As*

How much older than you is he?

I strongly suspect you are his bit on the side and he has another older family.

Do you see him on weekends, every weekend? Have you ever stayed with him at in these hotels? I would also wonder if he has another family. Either way, he is taking your for a ride.

I was thinking the exact same thing

You had not one but 2 kids with a man who hasn't committed to living with you? Sorry he's not your boyfriend his an acquaintance with benefits, not a friend even. You are his baby mama that's all.

One child can be a whoops situation but you went on to conceive a second child with this uncommitted man. Cut you losses and get a new man!

How old are you both @Oopsididitagain87? Your name would suggest around 35. And he’s older? This situation is a total mess. He is not a father or boyfriend, he’s a twat who gives no shits about you or your two children.

It doesn’t sound like you’re in a relationship at all. A relationship is sharing your life with each other, supporting each other and loving each other. It’s being there together through the good and bad.

You can give him an ultimatum but all that means is he needs to find someone else to have sex with. I hope things work out the way you want

wow - you deserve better than the dregs he is offering

after 5 years and 2 dc - he's shown you who he is, why arent you paying attention?

How old are you OP? I’m struggling to understand why you don’t expect better for yourself and your children.

Are you claiming all of the benefits that you are entitled to?

Why are you living with family? In what way....ard you all sharing a house ir do you rent from them
.

When did you finish uni did you not get a job?

Have you ever worked.....it sojnds like you've missed out on being an adult in control of your own life as well as being financially abused..
Its not up to your family where you live and what you do..

Do you get UC? Start making your own life.....

This.
You really don't have much of a relationship anyway. If it pleases you to get together with him for sex and whatnot when he's around, why not? But stop pinning your hopes of a future and family on him. It is NOT going to happen.

You need to make him pay more in maintenance and child care costs, and get out there for some training and a career of your own, because you have the responsibility to do your share of supporting two children, for the next couple of decades.

Thank your lucky stars that you can live rent-free with family; stop dreaming of a small flat to call your own until you can earn it. You need to prioritize job training and career planning, not this non-relationship. Sorry to be blunt but don't waste more years drifting and hoping he will change.

I think you definitely need a chat OP and ultimatum your essentially a single parent with him having his bed kept warm at the weekend xx

How old are you OP? You and your partner both sound like you don’t know what you want or where you’re going. That approach is fine while you’re young but once you have kids, you need a plan for their sake. If you have family and are settled where you are then moving away doesn’t sound sensible. What are your longer term job prospects or could your partner do a different job?

I am so sorry to read this... That somebody could have such low self esteem to put up with this. And your family have such low expectations too..

You are in an abusive relationship. £70 can never cover food, rent, bills, clothes, kids activities...
You are allowed to want more from life.
You are allowed to have a happy fulfilling relationship.
Your Arts Degree could lead to work in Advertising, Illustration, publishing, graphics, marketing, Film/TV etc etc.. You could be earning tons as a freelancer!

Please open your eyes to the possibilities as you only have 1 life! Tell him what you want and need, your voice is important and has worth. He should respect you, not least as a valuable human being but as the mother to his children!

It sounds like your family have given up in you, he doesn't really give a shit, and so you have given up on you. Time to find your inner strength and ROAR.

Has he ever expressed gratitude to your parents or offered to pay rent and a portion of utility bills for his partner and 2 children living full time under their roof?
Why are your parents so keen for him to be mugging them off like this, - and you and the children too ?

You really must get yourself into work OP and think about your own, single-mum long-term plan without this man who you have enabled to take advantage of you to a really unbelievable degree.

You appear to think it’s acceptable …even funny that you are in this dire situation. Wake up OP !
This man isn’t who you think he is.

What you want isn't odd. What you have is.

Now I've lost sympathy for you. How are women so daft?

He so terrified of commitment poor lamb....because those two kids he made with you are no commitment at all

Would you not be better getting a job and place to live for you and your kids
Lots of single parents work and use childcare , are you claiming UC or anything?
I would concentrate on making life better for you and your kids and worry less about him, as he doesn't seem to be thinking what you want

You know what, OP? I am commitment-averse, too. And for that reason I have made it a point to NOT become a parent, and to NOT mislead anyone into thinking I want a traditional domestic partnership and household.

I haven't conned anyone into thinking otherwise. Nor have I created responsibilities and then shifted them onto someone else.

You really need to stop thinking about him. Enjoy the occasional hookup because that is all you are going to get, and start building a career, an income and a future for yourself and your children. And files for CMS.

Sorry OP but what you want is never going to happen with this man because he is living the life of riley and he's not going to swap living in hotels like a single man all week for coming home every night to a partner and kids and laundry, cooking, tidying up etc etc. I mean why would he, when you're doing it all for him.

Have you ever gone to stay with him for the weekend? Does he see you and the kids every weekend? Is he a lot older? You say it's been 5 years, have you met his mum? been to her house? She's your kids granny after all.

I also think your family's attitude to this is wrong. You say you live with them but they don't want you to move away, are you caring for them also?

If you want to be a family unit I think it's ultimatum time. Tell him you want to be living together by x date and see what he says. It doesn't matter that you don't have the money right now, they are his kids, he should want to provide them with a home, with him! If you don't get the answer you want then time to move on with your life without him. And don't get me started on the £70, disgusting.

Agree with other people that I wouldn’t be surprised to discover he had another relationship and family elsewhere. He is using you and offering nothing.