Wife loves me and loves another

[VeryConfusedDad]

Apologies, i know this is Mumsnet but i went to Dadsnet and it seemed like quite graveyard, and for those posts that did get a response they were very sarcastic responses etc

I've been with my wife for 15 years (married for 5) we have 2 children with the second born a couple of years ago.

Last year i found messages on my wifes phone between her and another man. Flirty, sexual messages, a few pictures back and forth etc etc Confronted her about it and she confessed that whilst nothing had happened then before we got married she had had a "kiss and fondle". She said she has always thought there was an attraction there, but as he had a girlfriend (now his wife) and she was with me nothing could ever happen (except for the "kiss and fondle")

We sort of talked it through last year and i thought everything was getting better. Then i found messages on her phone again with her talking to a social media friend about how to approach starting a new relationship with someone if your not sure that's what the person wants etc

Confronted about those messages and she thought we needed to go on a trial separation, so i basically had to move out of the house. Luckily i still got to see my children as i came in and put them to bed etc. Had them over at my parents a couple of nights as well.

We got back together after around a month and started to go to counselling. Everything seemed really good until a month of so ago when she started to do what she had previously (head up to bed tired, of if i said i was tired she would then stay downstairs and come up a lot later)

Basically my wife loves me, our live and our dynamic, but she also loves this other person. This other person is married and has his own children. I have asked my wife what it is she wants but she doesn't know, she doesn't even know how he feels as everytime she says she brings it up (she is still in contact with him) he just avoids the questions or starts to "ghost" her, block her on facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp etc etc Then they get back in contact and it seems to start again.

I really don't know what to do or suggest, I don't know if counselling is worth another option as when we went last time this was hardly brought up or discussed as it wasn't the "main issue" back then. I don't know if couples counselling would be beneficial or if its my wife that needs the counselling to help her work out what she wants. She is doing some reflective self life coaching things that she says are helping but i've seen no progress at all.

I love her, I love our life, I love our children. When i sense she loves me i can really feel it and it feels magical, like it did years ago. We don't get many date nights / days but when we do it feels good, like thats where she wants to be. When she is thinking of him, or confused about stuff it feels like a crap situation to be around. I try and put on a happy face for my children (both of whom are below the age of 5) but i don't know how much longer i can keep on doing this.

I suppose if anything this has taught me not to look at my wifes phone

If I was you, I'd adopt a version of the 180.

Start doing things for you.
Socialise, go out, see friends... don't let your life revolve around her. Keep fit and eat well.

Take your kids out without her...build/maintain a strong relationship with them.

Invest in yourself...self care is so important. Let her sort herself out, while you live your life. Don't fawn over her... don't be trying to win her ....This is to be your best self, to be independent, to not have her as your everything and prepare for a potential split, as well as to keep in good mental health.

Never let someone think you'll crumble without them.

It sounds like all she needs is this other man to say yes and you may be left. She basically pursuing a married man with no respect for his wife.

100% she is a having her cake and hedging her bets cheat. If this was the other way around there response would be straight forward; LTB or in this case B 1 TC4. You've been more than reasonable, sorry to say it but she's checked out of your marriage, she needs to be the one to pack her bags and if you can manage it the kids stay at home with you. If this OM was more encouraging or gave her enough encouragement you wouldn't see her for dust. So take control and chuck her out, there's only one person to blame here for the breakdown of the family unit and it isn't you. Good luck, you deserve much better X

For clarity, LTB is typically unisex. And you can write bitch here; swearing is allowed. I wouldn't write bitch because it's misogynistic, but using LTB does rather cover it.

Also, most people have told OP to LTB or at least consider it as an option. Not every post by a male OP has to be some tiresome attempt to prove that MN hates men. OP has received kind and boundaried advice. No need for the handmaiden shite here.

I also think she should leave not you. I would say if your that unhappy go until you sort yourself out then we can discuss it again. Its her thats causing all this. I couldnt live like this it seems she is just waiting for the OM to run off with her and I dont think that would happen. Tell HER! to go if shes that unhappy.

Op, it sounds like you want her back at any cost, regardless of how she's behaved. Not everyone would want to LTB. Agree with the PP, do a 180, be the best you can be, and when the other relationship falls apart, just be there to catch her. But understand that you'll always be the comfort blanket in the relationship. Some people are ok with that as long as they aren't left alone.

I wonder what would happen if someone, anonymously, told the wife of the other man about the messages, kissing and fondling.

I think, should that happen, that the other man would immediately and permanently dump your wife

You would then have your wife back (until she finds someone else to cheat with)

Or the wife dumps him and OP's wife is free to date him.

Could go either way.

True. Good point.

It sound like she is very confused. She probably does love you both. But if she doesn't prioritise her husband and family, what position does that leave you in?

It's horrible for you to be sat around waiting for those half moments of happiness that you mention when she actually gives you time and attention, then other times she's giving that attention to someone else.

Evenings are important connection/ down time for married couples usually (especially with young children). It sounds like she's spending most of hers talking to him and leaving you alone.

That's not what you signed up for when you got married and had children with her. How is she with the kids? Is she still present for them as their mum or is she also checking out there, too?

I know you care about her but you are putting up with a lot here. You need to look after yourself and think about your own future as well. It sounds like she is in pretty deep with this guy and it's not going away anytime soon. Even if you ask her to stop all contact and she does - you still have to live with the fact that you had to ask.

It feels like at this point your options are staying in the situation or having a conversation with her about divorce. Either way, remember your needs are important - just as important has hers - and you deserve better than this.

We spilt and my DH actually does 60/40 due to my work schedule. We now live 5 mins walk apart and the kids are happy and pop between houses. They were 7/9 when we split 4 years ago. The first couple of years were a bit tough but we persevered and are now in a good place. Joint Xmas bdays etc.

However, your dynamic is different as she will be a nightmare initially as her OM doesn't want her. But stick to your guns and do it. It will work out. Life does go on

She is incredibly awful and is taking you for a mug.

You deserve so much better.

You sound a bit weak and yes women like this come on here too - they will put up with anything to stay in a marriage. God knows why. This will be taking a mental toll on you and you will only realise this in the time to come. Seriously pull your big man pants on!

Then i found messages on her phone again with her talking to a social media friend about how to approach starting a new relationship with someone if your not sure that's what the person wants

This sounds as if she’s actively looking for someone else. Maybe after the MM dumped her. That really is making a mockery of your marriage. Please look after yourself and DC.

Basically my wife loves me, our live and our dynamic, but she also loves this other person.
"Basically, my wife loves the security I provide, but she also loves eating cake ..."

This other person is married and has his own children. I have asked my wife what it is she wants but she doesn't know, she doesn't even know how he feels as everytime she says she brings it up (she is still in contact with him) he just avoids the questions or starts to "ghost" her, block her on facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp etc etc
She is deliberately making you dance the Pick-Me Dance.
Extreme example here, from the amazing ChumpLady PP referenced upthread -
www.chumplady.com/2021/09/she-wants-me-to-fight-for-her/

Then they get back in contact and it seems to start again.
Your wife's affair partner is making HER dance the Pick-Me Dance.
www.chumplady.com/category/pick-me-dance/

Have a browse round the ChumpLady archives.
You will find hard-won experience, shoot-from-the-hip honesty, hilarious snark & the revelation that all these "cake eaters" & "Schmoopies" demanding "ego-kibbles" follow precisely the same Script.
You need to learn that Script, so that you can recognise the tawdry, predictable bullshit your wife is selling you.

I think you also need to find a way of accepting that your marriage will never be the same again. Frankly - I'm with the LTB brigade, as I can't see how her ongoing, blatant disrespect will ever be something you can deal with - even if she gives her affair partner up. She will always be the woman who chose to do this to you, & you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop & her to hurt you again ...
But only you can make this decision.
And you will be able to make better decisions when you stop blocking yourself with your reluctance to divorce & co-parent. It's understandable that you want to live with your DC fulltime. But what does that mean for YOU - playing at Happy Families, knowing that your wife - who claims to love you - is happy to humilate, hurt & lie to you - because she reckons she deserves kibbles & cake more than you deserve loyalty?
What about YOUR happiness, YOUR needs?
If you stay with her you will have to manage the torment of feeling second best. Of worrying that your wife now had carte blanche to cheat again, as she knows you won't leave her.

You may want to consider that a 50/50 arrangement with your DC means you get to live in a happy home environment with them 3/4 days out of 7. That would mean you take back control, have control of your home life ... & are even free to meet somebody new one day, who will love you without cheating & thinking it's ok to put you through this shit.

Start reading ChumpLady OP - you need the solidarity.

OP, what was the main issue you focused on in counselling?

@VeryConfusedDad

You need to really separate it does sound like your a second option here.

She definitely wants to see where things go with this guy but your her safe option. She loves you but I don't think she in love with you.

I would do what's best for you and leave her to sort her feelings out she will be messing you around.

Someone out there for you who will love you. She's wanting something more.

She should be lucky with what she has got but if your not enough tell you will let her go. Let her be and she will realize her mistake. Let her see you moving on now.

Tell her you have tried but your patience running out.

I might be wrong but I think you are willing to put up with anything to keep your wife, and I think she knows that, she’s playing you for a mug! You are worth so much more, I’m sorry to hear this

Kick her out. Seriously. She wants to fuck about with another man, she's the one that needs to leave the children