Can I withdraw a wedding invitation?

[Laurdo]

We're getting married in 6 weeks and invitations went out about 6 weeks ago.

I became friends with a woman when she started coming to the gym I owned about a year ago. We've trained together a few times and used to have a chat and a coffee in the gym cafe. Her and her bf even offered to let us use their holiday home for our honeymoon. They've been to ours for dinner and we went to theirs for her bfs birthday party. We've also all been out for a drink together.

We sadly had to close down the gym a few months ago and the woman joined another gym. She suggested I join there too so we could train together. We made arrangements a few times to go to the gym but she'd always cancel. She started doing martial arts and said she wasn't training at the gym as often now because of it, however she'd still post regular pics of herself at the gym with other friends or her bf and I was never asked if I wanted to go so I ended up just joining a gym closer to my home and doing my own thing there.

She takes ages to reply to messages, sometimes a few days which she always apologises for but still manages to post on social media every day. She had messaged to apologise for being an absent friend and said we should meet for lunch. We made arrangements a few times but she kept cancelling for various reasons. We eventually did meet for lunch and I gave her an invitation for the wedding which she was delighted about.

I'd also invited her to my hen night as well as the kids mini hen party I'm having for my DSD4. I invited her to the mini hen as she has young sisters. So 2 weeks before my hen and she still hadn't sent money for her ticket. I messaged her and 2 days later got a reply saying she could no longer make it as she needed to focus on work and studying. I asked of she was still bringing the girls to the mini hen and she said no she was just too busy.

So the day after my hen and there's photos of her on social media out that weekend. Bit of a kick in the teeth. I would have preferred that she'd just have been honest and said she didn't want to come or had double booked herself, but to make it about work then post pics to the contrary.... Is she trying to drop a big hint that she's not interested in a friendship any more?

So now I'm thinking I'd really wished I hadn't invited her and her bf to the wedding. I absolutely get that people are busy and have other priorities, but I just feel like I've been let down by her so many times in the short time that I've known her. I'm secretly hoping she tells me herself they can't make the wedding but I think that maybe I should just contact her and uninvite her. Would this be rude? Should I just let her come then faze her out afterwards? Am I expecting too much from someone I've only known a year?

Mumsnetters usually think it’s rude for a guest to drop out of a wedding after having RSVPd so I’m amazed (and appalled) at the number of posters who think you can uninvite her just because the friendship’s cooled

Me too. Especially when the OP still might want use the friend's holiday home. I expect the friend to be on AIBU next week. Wedding invitation cancelled but bride still wants to use our home for their honeymoon

No we don't still want to use their holiday home.

Whatever the outcome, whether they end up coming or not, we will let them know we've decided to honeymoon elsewhere but are grateful for the offer.

@MavisChunch29 I think this is the only reason OP will not chase up wedding invitation or question the lies about hen. Why else would she thinking for 'friend' to 'come to wedding or not, I dont mind, even if you cancel last minute, like the hen party, or even if you just don't turn up. But I'll see you after wedding and we'll talk about the freebie honeymoon we discussed'!

From your OP she has been phasing you out with repeated behaviours for many months - can’t you read the signs? But you are thinking of phasing her out after the wedding? Its not clear friendship/contact you would be phasing out - as currently it is zero.

You have done too much chasing with too much expectation. A good rule of thumb is 3 strikes and your out….ie 3 flakes and then stop pursuing.

I would rescind the invite - she won’t be there in good faith only under duress and you will never see her again after the wedding - so why have this overshadowing the next 6 weeks and the day.

Wow! You got me there. Definitely only interested in a free honeymoon. Well done Sherlock! 🙄

Sounds lovely. My 7 year old would love a party like this.

I would definitely rescind.

I agree. I wouldn’t uninvite a friend who’s friendship was just declining but she’s out and out lying to you and rubbing your face in the lie.

I invited her to the mini hen as she has young sisters. So 2 weeks before my hen and she still hadn't sent money for her ticket

Oh, I see. <scratches head>. I get it .
Now its really easy to uninvite her to your wedding. Just send her a text

" Call yourself a friend? You tight chav, you missed the deadline to pay for your wedding invite ticket ; so you can't come".

I think you'll find the ticket was for adult hen party, not to actual wedding. OP not thar bad...

She'll probably cancel so no need to withdraw the invitation.

Agree with this approach but don't say "we will catch up after". That is a real doormat/people pleasing thing to say. Just state the facts, you've not both accepted, are you coming, or is just one if you coming? I say that as a terrible people pleaser myself by the way.

@Laurdo be a bit braver when you contact her and tell her you’ve had to revise numbers due to budgets and you hope she’ll understand but hers is one of the invites you are having to rescind. Your suggestion of the BF not replying etc leaves it open for her to do the ‘oh no we’ll definitely turn up’ bullshit and then the games continue.

what’s she going to do if you rescind the invite - not be a flakey friend anymore?

after this. Stop contacting her. Just stop.

Lol at the usual MN insanity/nastiness accusing the op of just wanting to use Ms Flaky for honeymoon accommodation .... when she's said v clearly it was just a vague idea floated, no plans made, and with Ms. Flakys behaviour anyone would assume plans would never be made.

Tricky one op.

Just send a saccharine message saying you're being forced to revise numbers by the venue 😏and are so terribly sorry you won't be able to still have them to attend the wedding. You'd love to catch up & do something nice after the wedding and honeymoon.

She won't make plans or honour then so you won't have to see her. Buh bye.

Say some bullshit about the venue fucking up which rooms were available for your use agd the subsequent numbers. Terribly stressful, frustrating and embarrassing yada yada

Ime getting into her behaviour will go nowhere good. Calling her out will go nowhere good. Waste of time and effort and emotional energy.

It's kind of funny that everyone's desperate for you to be being a bridezilla cow but actually everything you've said is completely reasonable!

Hen had lots of price options and people could say no
Mini hen at first glance sounds awful but when you explain it is really sweet and thoughtful
Not using the ex-F house for honeymoon

I think you're fine to ask because of the BF not RSVPing and you could even say 'I'm assuming you're not coming but need to send numbers'. It's a shame you couldn't be more of a CF for everyone's entertainment though.

I think I'd ask about the bf if he can RSVP and hope she pulls out. It seems a bit rude to retract the invite. She doesn't sound like a good friend but I still don't think I'd uninvite her.

Haha! I know!

It wouldn't be a proper MN post without snarky comments and people jumping to the worst possible conclusion.

I think that's what I'll do. I don't want to be rude even if she hasn't behaved in the nicest way. If they come they come, if they don't they don't, but at least my conscience will be clear.

Yes univite her. Just say that you don't really seem to be friends any longer.

Life is too short. Just focus on your wedding and life.
You have already paid for everyone anyway. There is nothing to be gained by uninviting them, only to give your slightly hurt ego a little bit of a boost.

Yes, she wasn’t a good friend and didn’t prioritise your friendship. And it sounds like it hurt you a bit. But who knows why, really. We never really know people’s motivations.

At this point - I’d try to move on really. And best thing is to not mull the question in your OP. Try to refocus on something else.
If she shows up, be polite. If they don’t come - don’t even acknowledge.
Be the bigger person and then, phase her out.

I’d do the text idea, send one saying you are finalising numbers, this will giver get. Chance to get out of the wedding if she wants. If she still wants to go then faze her out out afterwards.
Or if you are feeling braver if she says yes after you text her then text back and say unfortunately you’ve had to cut numbers and she isn’t invited to the new smaller wedding.

I think that sounds really nice, and it's lovely of you to make your DSD a special part of the celebration in this ways.

As for the friend, I'd uninvite her tbh. There's a strong chance she's going to bail on it anway given her track record - it's honestly better to pre-empt and fill her spot with people who might actually come, or if you can't do that then hopefully you won't be paying for two uneaten meals.