Can I withdraw a wedding invitation?

[Laurdo]

We're getting married in 6 weeks and invitations went out about 6 weeks ago.

I became friends with a woman when she started coming to the gym I owned about a year ago. We've trained together a few times and used to have a chat and a coffee in the gym cafe. Her and her bf even offered to let us use their holiday home for our honeymoon. They've been to ours for dinner and we went to theirs for her bfs birthday party. We've also all been out for a drink together.

We sadly had to close down the gym a few months ago and the woman joined another gym. She suggested I join there too so we could train together. We made arrangements a few times to go to the gym but she'd always cancel. She started doing martial arts and said she wasn't training at the gym as often now because of it, however she'd still post regular pics of herself at the gym with other friends or her bf and I was never asked if I wanted to go so I ended up just joining a gym closer to my home and doing my own thing there.

She takes ages to reply to messages, sometimes a few days which she always apologises for but still manages to post on social media every day. She had messaged to apologise for being an absent friend and said we should meet for lunch. We made arrangements a few times but she kept cancelling for various reasons. We eventually did meet for lunch and I gave her an invitation for the wedding which she was delighted about.

I'd also invited her to my hen night as well as the kids mini hen party I'm having for my DSD4. I invited her to the mini hen as she has young sisters. So 2 weeks before my hen and she still hadn't sent money for her ticket. I messaged her and 2 days later got a reply saying she could no longer make it as she needed to focus on work and studying. I asked of she was still bringing the girls to the mini hen and she said no she was just too busy.

So the day after my hen and there's photos of her on social media out that weekend. Bit of a kick in the teeth. I would have preferred that she'd just have been honest and said she didn't want to come or had double booked herself, but to make it about work then post pics to the contrary.... Is she trying to drop a big hint that she's not interested in a friendship any more?

So now I'm thinking I'd really wished I hadn't invited her and her bf to the wedding. I absolutely get that people are busy and have other priorities, but I just feel like I've been let down by her so many times in the short time that I've known her. I'm secretly hoping she tells me herself they can't make the wedding but I think that maybe I should just contact her and uninvite her. Would this be rude? Should I just let her come then faze her out afterwards? Am I expecting too much from someone I've only known a year?

Being polite works both ways.

The friend did not worry about manners when she pulled out of op's hen party and lied about it, and then posted her night all over SM.
Why does op need to continue with being polite despite the extremely poor behaviour of her friend??? Weddings are expensive and important occasions, and op should not feel forced to invite guests that treat her so poorly.

Withdraw the invite, and get it over with op. There is no place for that woman on your special day. She sounds awful!

But if BF has not rsvp'd or chosen meal, then it's the perfect reason to contact her and give her the chance to say if she's still coming or not, rather than just waiting, wondering and getting angry about it

In my experience there's always some cheeky person who dicks around with the wedding invitations, or doesn't turn up and you end up wasting money.

At my wedding an old university friend rang me and asked if she could bring a plus 1 at the last minute - a new boyfriend - I was reluctant because of the cost, but agreed because she didn't know anyone else there. He never turned up and I paid £30 for a non existent person.

I would just say the venue has called, you've got a problem with numbers, you've had to let some people down and unfortunately she's one of them. Say you'll meet up afterwards and tell her all about it, and then never contact her again!

Have a lovely wedding day!

'Dexf, the venue has been in touch asking us to pin down invitations. Sadly our friendship isn't what it was, so as we haven't been in touch recently I'll presume that you won't be able to attend. Best wishes to you and bf'

Prob a bit curt but she's been rude recently

Maybe when she rsvp to the hen & mini hen she didn’t realise she would be expected to buy tickets?

This, maybe she is more annoyed with you than you even are with her and is wondering what to do about a wedding she's already RSVP'd to.

Maybe she was expecting you to sort out or at least properly acknowledge her offer of the holiday home and you haven't? Maybe she is affronted by you not taking her up on this offer which is very generous?

Or it could be exactly how you write it, she's an acquaintance who isn't bothered with you now really and who you need to fade out of your circle. I don't know.

Someone suggested a good wording for uninviting her if you want to. Maybe she is hoping you will. Fine to do that if you want to.

We're not using their place for honeymoon. They suggested it but we haven't actually made solid plans to use it.

I guess I just included this information in my post to maybe justify why we were inviting people we'd only known a year to our wedding. We were friendly enough that they'd offered this.

I am worried that it's rude and not the done thing, hence asking on MN for opinions.

It is very rude for her to lie and not turn up for your wedding, and then proceed to plaster her busy night out all over SM.

That kind of gives you the green light to do exactly what you please.

I wouldn't want her there after that, she isn't a friend.

I invited her to bring her sisters. They've met DSD before as she's brought them to the gym a few times when DSD was there and they coloured in together etc at reception. They're 6 and 7.

Not turn up for your hen! Sorry typo

God if you do this can you record the call and post a link on here. Don’t think any of us can imagine how that convo will go 🤣

This,short and sweet then forget about it and enjoy your events and wedding.

It doesn't mean the OP should trump the former good friend's seemingly slightly cool behaviour by failing in her own etiquette.

Hen dos are not a three line whip to attend nor are they a pre-requisite for wedding attendance. If the friendship has cooled it's still on the OP to honour the invitation, which the other person as RSVPed to. Cancelling someone's wedding invitation by text is far worse than anything the former good friend has done so far.

I think this is the best way forward OP. Gods luck.

*Good luck

You've said twice now that she offered you honeymoon accommodation but you haven't 'made firm plans'. When is the wedding/honeymoon? Is she still waiting for you to formally refuse or accept her offer? Could she possibly still assume you're still considering her offer? Maybe she's pissed off at you for not telling her one way or the other?
Or maybe this is the crux of the issue: she once casually mentioned you using their place for your honeymoon, you've gone and assumed it's a done deal but she hasn't got back to you with confirmation, hence 'no firm plans'?
Whatever the really issue, I just can't see why you can't just act like an adult and contact her to discuss the issue. Why is this such a dilemma?

I'd be tempted to tell her you're having to downsize to a more intimate wedding for just closest family and friends due to costs, making it clear her invite is being withdrawn. Then afterwards post pictures on social media of the large gathering.....

I'd just contact her about the boyfriend, assuming the RSVP date is due soon.

And then have a back up person to invite who won't be offended at last minute nature - a friend of your parents? someone who "knows" you from when you were young and has heard all about the wedding from your mum and is just happy to attend. (assuming its fairly local to that person)

Because we're having a winter wedding we were planning on delaying our honeymoon until the summer. Also because of the location of their holiday home they had advised the best time to go would be between May and September. We said we'd arrange something after the wedding was over and once we'd sorted childcare arrangements.

I only really mentioned the holiday home in my original post I suppose to justify why we were inviting people we'd only known a year to our wedding. I guess to show that we were friendly enough that this offer had been made.

I agree the best way is to ask about the boyfriend if he has not RSVPed. You can't just unilaterally cancel though.

To be honest if they didn't come we wouldn't be looking to replace them. Everyone we want to be there has been invited. We didn't have a limit on numbers so its not like soneone else has missed out because we invited them.

I think I'll use the BF not RSVPing as a way to ask if they're still coming and let her know we understand that things are hectic just now so it's fine if they can no longer make it.

Agreed. This is the only acceptable course of action; you can’t just rescind an invite that she has accepted unless the circumstances are exceptional.

Mumsnetters usually think it’s rude for a guest to drop out of a wedding after having RSVPd so I’m amazed (and appalled) at the number of posters who think you can uninvite her just because the friendship’s cooled.

Just send a msg saying your finalising numbers for the wedding and need a reply within 24hrs any later then this il assume your not coming

So you still haven't said yes or no to her offer for holiday home? If she turns up at wedding, will you still expect her to extend that offer? Is it free of charge?
All that aside, with the wedding presumably being quite close, why on earth are you hesitating contacting her? Are you seriously considering withdrawing l invitation or just waiting to see if she turns up or not?

Thank you everyone for your input. It's really helped. I do tend to over think things and often wonder if I'm being oversensitive.

Part of me wants to just be a bitch and tell her she's univited since she's clearly checked out of the friendship already but that's not really in my nature and I'd end up feeling guilty about it even though I probably shouldn't.

I think I will use her BF not RSVPing yet as a reason to mesaage her. Tell her I understand life is hectic just now and if they can no longer make it it's totally fine and we'll catch up afte

After when things have calmed down. Hope that she takes the out and probably never hear from her again.

Sorry, my previous post posted too soon before finishing.