Found a credit card statement

[Anxiousmuch]

I just found a scrunched up credit card statement. Its in my partners name and I knew nothing about it. It has a 3500 balance transfer on it and his interest is £60 a month because hes only made minimum payments
He never used to have a credit card and has never told me he took one out.
We've been together twelve years and have two kids and split all household costs bc we both work
I'm furious. Firstly because hes kept it secret, second because I have some savings and could pay this off and third because when we remortgage i fear this will affect us
How would you deal with the hiding of information? I don't know how to bring this up and deal with it
Would you leave someone's for the dishonesty?

I'd wait to see what he says before reacting although I understand why you feel hurt at him not telling you plus he's wasting money by just paying off minimum. My ex got his bank statements sent next door so I wouldn't see them. He told here that the number must have been misread or some other BS. I only found out when she gave it to me and apologised for opening it saying she assumed it was hers. He was massively in debt. We had a new baby, it was such a mess. I sat him down and asked him to be honest so we could come up with a plan. He told me all his money was tied up in shares so I asked him for proof as it just didn't add up. He gave me documents with logos on, a signature, how much his shares were worth etc and made me feel awful for doubting him. UNTIL it came out that he'd been to the library and made it up and printed it off. He even posted it to himself!! Obviously our relationship didn't survive but I was willing to let him explain and to help him until the lies came out.
I hope he's honest and you can get past it.

But they're not married. So while the partner's debit might affect their mortgage application, the business about marriage being a partnership and everything being shared etc doesn't apply. They're not a partnership: they are two individuals sharing a house. So his credit card isn't really any of the OP's business.

^debt, not debit!

But they're not married. So while the partner's debit might affect their mortgage application, the business about marriage being a partnership and everything being shared etc doesn't apply. They're not a partnership: they are two individuals sharing a house. So his credit card isn't really any of the OP's business.

They share a house and children, it is absolutely her business. From a security POV.

I think there's an important distinction between lying and not telling.

If you've asked in the last two years if he has a CC or any debt and he's lied then he's a liar.
If he's taken out a credit card but you've never actually discussed things like this then he's just not told you. How he reacts now is therefore the marker.

As you can see on this thread, many people would see it as "I'm not asking you to pay it off so I don't need to tell you" so they wouldn't lie it just wouldn't occur to them to tell.

I have a credit card, DH is vaguely aware of it, not of its balance and I use my money to pay it off. I'd tell him if he asked but he never has. I'm sensible about Oving it for 0% etc so it doesn't impact on him. But if he found paperwork and asked me a qn, I'd be honest with him

*Op I've been there and approaching him with an open mind/ heart In a non judgemental way is the best way to deal with this.
-You could be over reacting
-You could have cause for concern but going ballistic will make him sneak around even more

Once you have the facts and he's comfortable to be honest with you, you can make a decision if it's something you're willing to put up with.*

Put the receipt in front of him and say "what the fuck is this,?"

And there differ the emotionally intelligent and the childish approaches.

They're not a partnership: they are two individuals sharing a house. what a load of snooty nonsense.
Two people who proclaim to love each other, have a sexual relationship, share a home, have children their rising together, who share household costs, are not two individuals sharing a house. I've had flat mates. I neither fucked, raised kids or split food bills with them. And it isn't even the kids. Before my friend had her son, she'd lived with her partner for a decade, brought a house together etc. They were partners then and they're partners now they have a kid.
By your logic, they're free to sleep around and live however they want because they're not in a commited relationship.

If you buy a house with someone you are linking your finances to theirs in a huge way, in terms of risk and in terms of your credit score, marriage or not. You may only be able to remortgage at much higher than average rates if they run up large debts. Or not at all. You may not be able to take out loans or credit cards for normal things as standard rates yourself if they trash their score. This is important and I'm shocked that people are sayinf that it doesn't matter if they are not married. Having a joint mortgage is a huge financial commitment to each other and links you financially and credit reference agencies record this link and adjust your score accordingly.

She has every right to know why this debt exists. And if it exists in isolation then keeping it on a 20% interest rate card is dumb. Maybe he's doing that because he knows no better or is trying to hide it for some odd reason. Or maybe there is far more debt that she also doesn't know about. The only way to find out is for him to go online and print off a copy of his Experian report that will detail all of his debts. If he has nothing to hide this will be no issue. If he won't, I would put the house on the market and end the relationship.

Some people think it's fine and would have no problem with it. I'd be fucking livid because someone I am buying a house with and have kids with has debt they haven't bothered to mention. It's lying by omission as her OH knows OP would want to know about it but has chosen not to tell her. They are parents and in a relationship even if they're not legally married, they're not two strangers sharing a house. It's not about asking permission it's about being open and honest and a team. I mean maybe that's not important to other people but it's bloody important to me.

No I wouldn’t leave someone for this, that’s a bit of a ridiculous reaction! But I would have a chat and ask what it’s been used for. I’d be more concerned your partner doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about this debt when really, it’s a pretty normal amount for most adults these days. Without knowing what it’s for you can’t really make any judgment. I’d want to know what they’ve not talked to you. Potentially because they think you might leave them?

If not married and actually financially independent i.e. live in separate houses then fine, not her business. Then it would just be an issue of the moral thing of "are you ok with him deceiving you?".

But if you live with someone, even in a rented property on a joint tenancy, or have any joint credit like loans together, your financial records a link. So objectively then whatever the morals she has a right to know. In this case there is a joint mortgage! Anybody claiming it's fine clearly has no idea how credit records work.

Does he need your permission to apply for a credit card? You sound very controlling.

I would be very concerned to find my DH had a credit card I didn't know about, as he would if he found I had one I hadn't told him about. It's got nothing at all to do with control, more openness, honesty and trust in a long term committed relationship.

Great post, I would be more worried about why my partner would not tell me about some debt, is there more? Is he embarrassed about it ? Is he afraid of the reaction.?

What is it with the "you sound very controlling" obsession on MN - mostly coming from a place of spite rather than constructiveness. She doesn't sound controlling in the slightest, they are literally applying for a mortgage together, which obviously needs financial transparency between them! Poor credit will affect this, now and going forward.

How checked into the relationship is he?

Given this has come out of nowhere I'd be tempted to tell him I know hes been hiding something and he needs to be honest with me tonight or the relationship is over and he can pack his bags tomorrow.

Because it's not like he doesnt know he is keeping a secret.

Ultimately I'd try to support him if he had a good reason for not telling you and was willing to look at options to repair the damage, such as overtime, less xmas spending on his part or a new job.

Because whilst its HIS debt you are married and have kids and it affects you. So he cant make a final ruling that it's his debt and his problem and he will do what he wants about it when he feels like it. That attitude would be the killer for me.

I wouldn't leave my husband just for this, I'd want to know how he'd run up the debt and why on earth he didn't just tell me (I guess what he spent the money on will probably explain why he didn't tell you). I'm not sure how you spend that much and not tell your wife unless it's on something dodgy, in which case it could be a reason to leave them.

My DH doesn't know I have about the same amount in credit card debt. I built it up when I quit my job. I had savings at the time but used the credit card just in case it took me longer than expected to find a new job. I still have more in savings than I do in debt and could pay it off tomorrow if I wanted to. I've moved it around to 0% balance transfers for very little so I'd rather pay it down slowly and keep my savings as they are.

@superdupernova do you think you DH would immediately pack your bags and kick you out if he found out about your debt ?

@Harrysnippleno3

Do you have a mortgage together?
Not any more.....as it's paid off now, but even when we did, I don't need to tell my husband about a credit card, that I'm paying for.

It's not borrowing to the point of risking our joint assets.

I was responding to the idea that this would count in his favour. It won't. It may not be detrimental but it certainly won't be a positive factor

I disagree.
Showing you're credit worthy and not defaulting on payments, is not negative for borrowing, even if you just make minimum payments.

A number of factors are looked at....but no credit history isn't necessarily a plus point.

If the CC company come looking for their money, and want to get that money from their home, then it is her business.
I don’t understand how you can be married, yet your spouse’s finances are nothing to do with you when it can affect you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Poor credit will affect this, now and going forward.

Owing 3½k... that's he's not defaulting on isn't considered poor credit.

@Joey69 No, he definitely wouldn't. It helps that I could pay it if I wanted to but even if I couldn't I can't imagine he'd pack his bags and leave. He'd probably offer to pay it off for me.

Well, no! Because they are obviously committed to one another, and to the children they have. However, if people want to be sure that everything is shared, then they need to get married. So long as they are not married, they can have as many children together as they like, and they can be faithful until death doth them part, etc, etc, etc - but if they're not married, they are regarded in law as separate people, not a unit. That's not entirely germane to the OP's situation, but it does play a role as neither of them has committed in law (sod the eyes of the church) to share everything. Plus the OP is remarkably quick to go from 0 - 60 and was starting to talk of the possibility of separating before she's even asked her partner about his credit card. So that also makes me wonder a bit about how committed a relationship it actually is.

If the CC company come looking for their money, and want to get that money from their home, then it is her business.

It's an unsecured loan and reputable CC companies don't come to your house for their money. They issue court proceedings against you...IF YOU DON'T PAY.

There is nothing to suggest he has not paid..... and even if he was unable to meet the minimum payments of £60 a month...he could still enter an agreement to pay less and nobody would come knocking on their door.

He is engaged with them and is paying...he's paying a lot in interest, but to end a relationship when you have kids over this...without so much as talking to him is crazy. Nobody wants to be in debt....if he couldn't talk about it... then it begs the question.. why.

Before you end a relationship even kids are involved ..check our the stepparent forum here and in other places. It'll give you a glimpse of how a lot stepmothers see your children as an inconvenience, barely tolerate them and in a number of cases ..just resent their existence.

I admire your strength in not going off half cocked and confronting him. I'm afraid that is what I would do.