Sex scenes/nudity In movies.

[BabyBx]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice please, to cut a long story short basically I'm feeling really uncomfortable watching sex scenes in movies with my partner. It's becoming a big deal because my partner says I need to stop feeling like this and that it's childish that we can't watch sex together in movies or nudity, he says all his past girlfriends haven't had a problem with it, and all his mates talk about series such as game of thrones etc and he wants to watch them with me. We put on game of thrones a while ago and it got to the point I started crying because I felt so upset and uncomfortable that he is watching naked woman on the screen. I've confided in him and told him how I feel about it and he says I need to snap out of it, but in all honesty I'm finding it so hard. I feel like crying typing this because I don't feel like I'm good enough for him 😔 just because I don't feel like other woman towards this subject, I don't know if any other girl out there feels like me. I feel so alone in this feeling, I said I would try my best to put my feelings aside to make him happy and we can watch a series - last night we watched some episodes of ' the Americans ' where it features sex scenes and a rape scene. I felt Really uncomfortable again and like I wanted to cry but I kept this feeling to myself again. Now I'm thinking later he is going to put it on again and I will feel like this again - I feel so sad it's hard to explain 😞 I know I'm going to just have to sit and watch it even though its hurting me emotionally knowing he's watching other females moan and be naked. I probably sound insane, but I honestly feel so sad about it all 😔 I asked if we could skip it abit if a sexscene came on but he doesn't want to do that either. He makes me feel so bad for this genuine feeling of sadness and that's what hurts. Do I need to see a doctor? How can I be the person he wants me to be? 😔

What is it about him watching professional actors depict sexual contact that you’re uncomfortable with? Is it a jealousy thing that he’s seeing another woman “naked”. I could see your point if he were watching porn but mainstream tv isn’t the same thing.

Are you generally anxious or insecure or is this something new for you?

You don’t want to watch something, whatever it is, that’s up to you. He can’t ‘make you’. There are things I refuse to watch, anything with cruelty to animals (even if it’s faked or David Attenborough nature progs). Tell him to bugger off or perhaps you just aren’t suited.

I used to find watching sex scenes embarrassing when I was much younger.

He can watch what he wants too though. GOT is hardly hardcore porn, do you enjoy watching GOT, would you watch it alone?
Maybe it’s not your bag and if it’s not, just don’t watch it and say it’s not your cup of tea.

I always hated that too. I think it's because I am so insecure. It sounds so childish but it feels so unfair that they portray the women so 'sexy' and there's nothing equivalent male wise. I used to feel like there was constant 'tits on tv'and it made me feel angry.
It seems as though these days there's rarely a movie or series without nudity. In my opinion it adds nothing of value.

I knew it was my insecurities because I'd be ok to watch them alone, yes I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't feel the upset and anger as when I was sitting watching with him.

I don't know what the answer is, maybe therapy, just know that I have also felt the same and you're not alone. That being said I really think it's your issue to work on, not his.

They key thing is the comment ‘how can I be what he wants me to be’.

You’re clearly feeling insecure in yourself and it’s that you need to focus on. The not wanting him to watch sex scenes on tv seems to be a manifestation of that insecurity. And I’m guessing if you we’re watching it on your own it would be ok? I’m getting the impression it’s him watching it more than you that’s bothering you.

If you are uncomfortable watching that and he is putting it on anyway, thats incredibly insensitive of him. Unfortunately pretty much all films these days feature a half naked woman or some sort of gratuitous sex scene (or shower scene), completely unnecessary to show to depict the storyline.

We watched a star trek film the other day. And low and behold the woman decides to get changed - in the spaceship thingy and then stand there in her undies for a short while. I think I just rolled my eyes because it just felt like the writers had thought 'now where can we slot in a half naked woman into the film? Oh I know, she can get changed for no reason whatsoever in the middle of the spaceship'.

It doesn't make me uncomfortable per se, just makes me think oh FFS, really? Again?. But I get what you mean.

I think you need to be firm and say it really does bother you. As its so mainstream, its really hard to know what programmes don't contain stuff liek that now, but if he respects how you feel and wants to help you with it, surely he can actively avoid the ones that definitely DO contain it for a while, at least while you both work on ways to help you on this.

I know I'm going to just have to sit and watch it even though its hurting me emotionally

You don't have to @BabyBx . Don't do it, he can't 'make' you. It might seem weird to some people but if you don't like it you don't like it and that's fine.

I'm Catholic and a lot of devout people try and avoid anything with much of those sorts of scenes.

That he's trying to repeatedly 'make' you do something that distresses you to the point of tears, isn't good.

I find most of the thrillers or documentaries are ok, there are a lot of programmes that are fine.

There's apps/programs or whatever people can buy in the States which remove unwanted scenes based on the owner's specifications.

There are sites that give the programmes a rating/review of the content and also a google search would give you an idea of it.

Or you could go on the age rating of the programme.

On Netflix I avoid anything it describes as 'steamy' or 'raunchy' etc.

My DH and I watched Couples Retreat last night. I actually commented to him that the female characters were all depicted as having PERFECT gym bodies, even the one that's had children. Whereas the men were all depicted as normal looking men with protruding stomachs and moobs along with very visible body hair.

I think it's a very clear awareness of the double standards. OP you do not have to do anything you're not comfortable with. Your BF should be trying to find a way to help you not make you feel so uncomfortable and alone. He's being an unsupportive arse.

More

I can see both sides of this....

If you don't want to watch it and it makes gig feel uncomfortable, you shouldn't watch it and he shouldn't be pressuring you to watch it.

However, on the other hand it does sound like you have some quite deep rooted insecurity issues that are maybe causing you to feel jealous/anxious

I'd suggest it might be worth doing some work on yourself and/or therapy to help with your self esteem and feelings of not being good enough

It's important though that you'd be doing this for your own benefit and to boost your own confidence rather than with an end goal of pleasing your partner.

Only reason I'd suggest it is that it can't be a nice way to live if you're going through life feeling threatened by this type of thing or constantly feeling you're not good enough

There is a very clear difference between sex scenes in a programme/film and a rape scene. I won't watch the latter. I've had a fair few 'discussions' about why I don't think there is any way to justify a rape scene in tv/film. I am also a bit iffy about GoT, even the 'consensual' sex was a bit rapey in my book and I tapped out early.

Sex scenes are different, especially in things made recently where directors use intimacy coordinators etc. I think you need to figure out if it's the actual sex, seeing naked bodies which you are comparing with your own or your partner watching these naked actors which is making you uncomfortable.

If it's the latter then you are probably going to have to give yourself a bit of a shake, as that's arguably a bit controlling if you're saying that he can only watch things where everyone is fully dressed/no sex scenes because it makes you uncomfortable. The other two are things you can choose to work on and progress with, or not, but they may negatively impact your relationship/make you both realise you're not in the right relationship.

I used to be like this, I'd even end up crying over music videos. I was SO insecure. I finally realised my own unhappiness and stopped pretending I was ok. I left my then partner and now I'm with my DH I've never once felt like that. I know he loves and fancies me. It was my ex that actually made me feel worthless. Know your worth.

I was going to say I can relate OP, until your last comment about being what he wants you to be. You really don't have to be. He's being intensive and should just respect you don't like watching certain things. However, if your reason is insecurity, then that needs addressing - for you, not for him.

Please don't put rape and sex scenes in the same category though. I understand why you might, but really, rape is an incredibly traumatising thing to see on screen, even though it's dramatised. Unfortunately though, a lot of people have become so desensitised to it and do see it as quite standard. Personally, I refuse to watch anything that includes this kind of violence, as I just find it too disturbing. Quite difficult to avoid these days 🙄

I also find watching sex scenes with anyone else a bit uncomfortable. Not through jealousy though. I would just rather skip through it tbh, but try not to avoid, as it does make me feel a bit of a prude, which I'm not.

Just really ask yourself, why do you feel like this?

I think it's understandable to feel like this, no solutions besides feeling more confident in yourself. It's difficult to avoid seeing attractive/scantily clad women in society whether in real life or in media.

Your partner sounds like a dick

If you don't want to watch it, that's fine. But you can't stop him from watching it, it's not like he's watching porn.

I used to be a bit like that when I was very young so I know how you feel as regards insecurity and jealousy but as I got older and we are together longer i no longer give a shit, not much help i know. I do draw the line at watching anything that depicts any kind of sexual violence, i just won't watch it. Realistically though I think it's going to be very difficult to find movies or TV shows for adults that don't have any sex or nudity in them, especially female nudity as its shoved into our faces constantly by the media and movie industry so it's really going to restrict what you watch together. For that reason I would try and find some sort of compromise. What about real life, do you go on holidays together and if so do you struggle with him seeing topless/bikinied women on the beach? If so I think you need to address this, maybe with some therapy, otherwise it could really impact on your quality of life.

You don’t need to watch it. But you certainly can’t stop him doing so.

I think whatever you have wrong is very extreme, to actually cry like that. It sounds like terrible insecurity and jealousy . I am not positioned to diagnose you but I do think you need some therapy . It’s really unhealthy behaviour and not fair on him , you’re making your issues his.

Does he make you feel insecure generally? Does he make negative comments about your body?

I think you need to try to get some counselling support for your feelings of insecurity. You may not like sex scenes for many reasons, which is your perfect right, but sadness over your partner seeing other women points to real issues with how you feel about yourself. Co watching television can be a really nice part of a relationship so it is worth figuring out if this is something you can do together.

Movie sex scenes and nudity are about as sexy as watching someone go to the toilet, AFAIC. Most are gratuitous and unnecessary, IMO. Rape scenes are utterly abhorrent.

It's not unreasonable to dislike them or not want to watch them with your partner. There is nothing wrong with you. It's not up to us to condition ourselves to like them or be turned on by them. What we do, and definitely don't find sexually arousing is deeply personal. If he is pressurising you then he needs to go. Deal breaker for me.

I probably sound insane

Sorry OP, I'm not going to mince my words, but yes you do.
This sounds like an extreme form of jealousy and low self esteem that only counselling might stand a chance at fixing.

Whether 'all his other girlfriends' did or not, you are not them, and we are all different. We all have things we feel weird about, and i think its not ok that you feel bullied into watching them. Stand up for yourself. Game of thrones is shit and i turned off episode 1 when it seemed all the women were sexualised and brutalised but not the men. I cannot watch rape scenes comfortably and would rather not. Im not especially insecure and I am not anti sex. I personally hate horror films that my dp likes. We dont watch them together, and i have no idea if his other girlfriends watched them with him because hes not a dick and would never use ex relationships to manipulate me into doing things i dont want to.

I think you need to get some counselling OP. The fact you ' feel upset and uncomfortable about him watching a woman naked on screen' isn't fair to him. If this was a bloke being upset about his partner watching stuff, there would be screams of 'controlling' and ' manipulative'.

It sounds like you are very insecure which maybe has come from past relationships but you deserve to feel happy and content with yourself. You should also be able to say "no I don't want to watch that,watch it yourself" without worry. Perhaps take time to like yourself before you carry on in this relationship

If it's because you are jealous then I think it is something you need to work on.You can stop watching sex scenes on tv if you want, no one can make you watch them, but the problem will still be there.

You absolutely don't have to watch stuff with him that you are uncomfortable with, but aside from that it would be helpful to address your feelings of insecurity because you deserve to have good self esteem and feel happy about yourself.

And to be fair, GoT has plenty of naked men too.