Sex scenes/nudity In movies.

[BabyBx]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice please, to cut a long story short basically I'm feeling really uncomfortable watching sex scenes in movies with my partner. It's becoming a big deal because my partner says I need to stop feeling like this and that it's childish that we can't watch sex together in movies or nudity, he says all his past girlfriends haven't had a problem with it, and all his mates talk about series such as game of thrones etc and he wants to watch them with me. We put on game of thrones a while ago and it got to the point I started crying because I felt so upset and uncomfortable that he is watching naked woman on the screen. I've confided in him and told him how I feel about it and he says I need to snap out of it, but in all honesty I'm finding it so hard. I feel like crying typing this because I don't feel like I'm good enough for him 😔 just because I don't feel like other woman towards this subject, I don't know if any other girl out there feels like me. I feel so alone in this feeling, I said I would try my best to put my feelings aside to make him happy and we can watch a series - last night we watched some episodes of ' the Americans ' where it features sex scenes and a rape scene. I felt Really uncomfortable again and like I wanted to cry but I kept this feeling to myself again. Now I'm thinking later he is going to put it on again and I will feel like this again - I feel so sad it's hard to explain 😞 I know I'm going to just have to sit and watch it even though its hurting me emotionally knowing he's watching other females moan and be naked. I probably sound insane, but I honestly feel so sad about it all 😔 I asked if we could skip it abit if a sexscene came on but he doesn't want to do that either. He makes me feel so bad for this genuine feeling of sadness and that's what hurts. Do I need to see a doctor? How can I be the person he wants me to be? 😔

I think you sound very controlling op. It's just a tv show. He's hardly putting it on for gratification, he could find much more graphic stuff online if that was what he was after.

I certainly wouldn't be listening to any man who told me I can't watch certain shows because of his insecurity.

I agree.

Don't watch them yourself if you don't want to but you shouldn't be bothered or ask him not to watch

I do think some counselling is in order since this is a manifestation of insecurity in yourself. There is no logical reason that occasionally seeing naked women on screen should bother you specifically. After all your partner is going to see other attractive women when he’s out and about isn’t he? Logically is that really any better for your insecurity than him watching fictional naked women sometimes who don’t exist and he will never meet?

I think you need to be realistic, there will be nudity, sex scenes and rape scenes (the latter more rare) in many shows and movies directed at adults today - the genie is well and truly out the bottle there and I can’t see it going back in within our lifetimes.
If you want to watch the TV shows others are watching and enjoy them, you’ll need to deal with that.

There’s more to shows like GOT than nudity and sex anyway. I mean even shows that aren’t as marketed on their shock sex appeal are still likely to have at least some sex and nudity over the course of many seasons. It’s something you will encounter if you watch adult TV.

I feel really genuinely sorry for you as you obviously feel sad and hurt over this, however it’s not really fair to your partner that he isn’t able to share normal adult things like mainstream shows and movies with you, when apart from the possibility of nudity you would probably enjoy that simple down time with him.

Thanks for the responses, first of all - I suffer with body dysmorphia so I am insecure and I do get jealous easily which I've been trying to cope with for a while and I do often keep My feelings to myself, I have never said my partner can't watch those things by the way. Some of you have said it's controlling to not let him watch but I never said that, I just said how it makes me feel watching them with him. I won't lie, because it's mainly the woman in films naked and hardly ever the man, I feel like it's something us woman just have to deal with. I get that. I just feel like it's destroying me knowing he wants to watch things with me with sex and nudity in and instead of enjoying them I'm constantly on edge wondering if a naked woman will come on the screen - I know he loves me. Its just hard knowing he's seeing naked woman. I know he watches porn when I aren't around - which I don't think about because that would make me feel aweful too. I know I need to get some help with my issues - I'll never stop him watching. It's just I'm telling him how it makes me feel inside when I'm with him watching them together 😔. I can't say I won't watch them with him because then he will say we will never watch anything together. So I pretty have not much choice in it, I guess I have to put my feelings to one side and get on with it. Thank you for all your responses xxx

Does your partner know you suffer with body dysmorphia?
Have you discussed with him what it means, and how it makes you feel?

You shouldn't be watching movies and tv shows that you don't want to watch. I'm not bothered by nudity and sex but GoT is so extreme that they use a lot of porn actors and actresses and fans pressured the writers to tone it down in later seasons. (there is still lots of sex and nudity but much less)
I can't say I won't watch them with him because then he will say we will never watch anything together.
Would he watch what you chose ? I think it's very common for a couple to watch different programmes eg one might watch lots of sport while the other might watch lots of soaps You can't really discuss the programmes with each other but you can discuss things with people off the internet and other friends.
Does it matter that you never watch anything together ? There's plenty of other things that you can do or your viewing together can be limited to safe programmes like politics or wildlife.
I think that you should definitely explore some counselling for your issue. It is extreme and very sad that your self esteem is so low 😢

How can I be the person he wants me to be

If you're not the person your partner wants you to be, you don't change; you leave. Why do you think he's the person who gets to decide what your personality should be like, and what you should enjoy or not enjoy?

he says all his past girlfriends haven't had a problem with it

What's the relevance of this? Do you think that if you told him that none of your previous boyfriends have had a problem with doing all the housework and cooking all the time, he'd start doing it? He's putting you down compared to his exes.

@Watchkeys I generally agree people shouldn't have to change for a partner but in this case the OP seems to have extremely low self esteem and insecurities that are so severe they're impacting her day to day living

Surely she needs to work on that, rather than find a partner that accepts the impact of her low confidence and panders to it. That would only encourage OPs unhealthy mindset rather than encouraging her to address it

Have you posted this before? I remember this exact scenario several months back.

My ex was like this if anything remotely sexual or naked bodies came on the TV. I knew she was very conscious about her breast size and felt insecure about it. She would go into a mood or become short tempered afterwards. It was if I was having sex with the people on screen. I don't know how one overcomes this, perhaps seeing a specialist councillor. It's probably best to get some help for yourself and the quality of your relationship.

There's kind of two issues here: your feelings, and his response.

His response is a bit shit: I assume he knows this is coming from a place of deep insecurity, and comparing you to his exes isn't going to help matters.

Your feelings are extreme, though. It obviously comes from your body dysmorphia so it's not an easy fix, but it's not typical to feel like this I don't think, and - while it's fine to have strict boundaries over what you are or aren't okay with in a relationship - I'd say not wanting to watch TV shows with potential nudity in it because your partner might see it is something many partners might find difficult to navigate. I can see why he's pushing back a bit - a LOT of TV shows feature nudity, and a lot of people watch TV/films with their partners as part of time together to enjoy.

Ultimately, you're allowed to have this boundary, but he's allowed to find it extreme and restricting. I would suggest trying more/new help for your body dysmorphia if it's possible because it's a horrible thing to experience generally, and - on this topic specifically - something you'll struggle to avoid in future. While I understand that it's not necessarily about not trusting your partner, lots of people might feel like it was controlling or untrusting to not want them to watch full episodes of TV together, so I'd say it's something you probably would want to work on. But do it for yourself and how you feel about yourself more generally - this is a symptom, not the whole issue.

It doesn't matter what OP's reasons are @Jellycatspyjamas

It matters that her b/f is refusing to respect them.

OP - supposing your problem wasn't with watching nude scenes on TV, but about something bland like "I don't like cabbage"?

Your b/f likes cabbage.
You do not like cabbage, & your b/f knows this.

Instead of just cooking cabbage for himself, he puts cabbage on your plate too, & demands that you eat it. He says things like -
you need to stop feeling that you dislike cabbage
all his past girlfriends haven't had a problem with eating cabbage
all his mates talk about eating cabbage
he forced cabbage on you to the point that you started crying & his response was to tell you to snap out if it

He is being so demanding & single-minded about forcing you to eat cabbage that you have ended up feeling dreadful -

I asked if we could skip it if cabbage was on the menu but he doesn't want to do that either.
He makes me feel so bad for this genuine feeling of disliking cabbage
Do I need to see a doctor for a medical treatment that will make me enjoy cabbage?
How can I be the person who likes cabbage?

OP - you NEVER NEED TO EAT CABBAGE AGAIN.

Ignore PP telling you that you ought to.
There are plenty of happy, well-adjusted folk who don't enjoy nudity on TV. Or cabbage! That's just a preference. There is no 'normal' to that preference - each individual gets to choose for themselves.

Please do, however, pay attention to PP urging you to get help with understanding the causes of your body dysmorphia & the insecurity/jealousy that likely stems from the same cause.

You don't need to watch sex scenes - but you do need to be more comfortable with your own body, & find a way to be mroe comfortable with accidentally seeing TV nudity - it's so prolific now that you are bound to see it occasionally, & you deserve help with finding a way to deal with that with far less distress.

So ...
See a GP. Get signposted to counselling or other MH help for the dysmorphia. Explore where it comes from & how it relates to your general insecurity, & learn ways of addressing it.
Also - dump this man. He's happy to make you cry because HE WANTS to make you watch scenes that upset you. Ditch that cabbage-loving bastard!

I feel really genuinely sorry for you as you obviously feel sad and hurt over this, however it’s not really fair to your partner that he isn’t able to share normal adult things like mainstream shows and movies with you, when apart from the possibility of nudity you would probably enjoy that simple down time with him.

I don't think we need concern ourselves about fairness to a man who deliberately makes his g/f cry & then barks at her to "snap out of it" @PollyZo

Put aside your somewhat emotional response for a moment. It sounds as though you're wrestling with a mixture of insecurity and annoyance at the sexism.

Try saying you don't want to watch it because it's sexist cobblers. He may be less inclined to tell you to toughen up if you frame it as an issue with the programme rather than an issue with you.

1. You acknowledge that your feelings are a bit extreme. It isn't 'normal' to be upset to the point of crying when your OH sees a naked woman on screen. Sorry if I've missed it but are you getting help for your issues?
2. You don't have to watch anything you don't want to watch, whatever the reason. There may be things you like on TV that your DP doesn't.... do you go on at him and guilt trip him in to watching them with you? Hopefully not.
3. If your DP knows you have body dysmorphia and yet still goes on about this, he's not very caring is he? It's a small sacrifice for him to now watch programmes with you where there will be naked people isn't it? It's remarkably easy to do. Most things don't have naked people in them!
4. Disregard his comments about 'everyone else watches it with their partner'... so what? That's up there with 'everyone else's wife lets them do X to them in bed'. a) those comments are usually made up and certainly not correct and b) even if you're the only person in the world who doesn't want to do something, your feelings are just as valid.
5. Please seek help for your dysmorphia and insecurity. For your own sake primarily - not so you can watch naked people on TV!

That should have said
It's a small sacrifice for him to not watch programmes with you where there will be naked people isn't it?

How's OP being controlling? She's not telling her b/f not to watch what he wants. She simply doesn't want to be made to watch it too.

She's not the controlling party in this relationship - her b/f is.
I certainly would be listening to any man who told me I have to watch certain shows because he is sexually coercive.

Arrrrggggh!

I certainly wouldN'T be listening to any man who told me I have to watch certain shows because he is sexually coercive.

You have an issue which any partner is going to find difficult.

I get the sense from your posts that you're wanting or inviting validation for your beliefs and behaviours and you're not at the stage of wanting to question whether those beliefs or behaviours are helping you or hurting you.

I sense some lack of sincerity or consistency in your statements and a tendency to co-opt certain arguments or tropes to garner validation...rather than examining what is really going on with you.

I also perceive a refusal to manage the issue consistently with your partner. You're not taking responsibility for yourself and you're blaming him when I don't see him doing anything wrong. You're an adult. If you don't want to watch something, don't.

I think there's enough for the OP to work on without dragging the partner.

Like boundaries, self-responsibility, communication, compromise as well as what is really going on with your attitudes to the sexual attraction to other women your partner will feel throughout your relationship.

By defining more precisely the issue and articulating that, as well as building relationship skills, the OP will be able to function better in the relationship.

Yes, I remember something very similar recently...was that you OP?

Anyway, I hope you are doing ok OP, it's not nice to feel that insecure and it can take over your rational thinking. We all feel insecure sometimes, but this is so extreme.
Have you never looked at another man and thought he was attractive?

We are surrounded by images of attractive people all the time (and yes I agree, its a bit annoying that we don't get nearly as many hunky naked men on screen as women and the standards are usually much higher for women), but it's an unfortunate feature of our society - you can't force your boyfriend to ignore it.

It would be different if he was making comments, or deliberately making you feel bad, but this seems to be totally in your head. You're going to make yourself miserable unless you deal with this.

There was a woman not long ago that posted similar, she asked if it was unreasonable to make her partner look away when sex scenes came on in a film they were watching. Was that you? If not there’s a poster with similar issues.

You need to get therapy, this is very extreme. You need to get past this before it destroys your relationship. Talk to your partner so he’s fully aware of the extent of your issues.

All of this.

OP, I'm similar. Ive read your posts thinking, yep, yep, yep...

I'm very particular about what I will watch and always check out the parents guide on imdb before watching anything.

My boyfriend wouldn't ask or expect me to watch anything I was uncomfortable with.

Your boyfriend is shit for responding the way he does.

I also remember someone posting this exact thing a couple of months ago. The responses were completely different though with most people taking the piss and telling the OP to get a grip.

I think you need to get a grip OP. If you feel uncomfortable watching then that’s completely understandable however you can’t tell someone what they can and can’t watch. If he’s watching a show/movie and a sex scene comes up that’s completely different to him watching porn when he knows you don’t like it. Is he meant to fast forward any nude or sexual scene? That’s ridiculous and I’d laugh if anyone told me to do that tbh