Can we just be honest and say many women are trapped

[workiskillingme]

In unhappy relationships /marriages for years due to housing /income

I read so many threads on here advising people to leave their marriage if they are unhappy and live the life they deserve but in reality
A) women are often part time lower earners and wouldn't be able to afford to rent a property by themselves
B) couldn't afford to buy their husband /partner out
C) even if they sold their property and had equity would struggle massively to get a mortgage on one income
D) their other half/husband may more than likely refuse to leave the family home and continue to pay the mortgage so the wife and kids can remain there

Can we please just talk about this very real scenario and how women are meant to try and make it work?

Not just in marriage*

I’m far less depressed claiming UC top up, private renting and working full time than I was with a second income, mortgage, and working part time because his job was “more important”.

Because I’m not sat seething at the useless lump of fuck sat scratching his balls on the sofa, ignoring the kids, the housework, whilst I hobble around after DDs with a wisdom tooth infection, because I’m not carrying the weight of a second adult who should be my equal and not a millstone around my neck, because I’ve been able to put my kids in paid for childcare in order to work the job I trained for/get a Masters alongside it rather than work for NMW in an office for 16 hours a week because “putting kids in day care is horrible, the school days are long enough as it is.

I could go on. My friends are still stuck like that because they perceive my life as less than

@NukaColaQuantum , it would be interesting to hear when you started renting.

And if your LL decided to sell, how many rental properties are available by you? And how many would take someone on UC?

@Nearlymorning for many of us though, the least worst option was leaving

That’s fine. But I don’t think it is fair to sneer and to make out that women only stay due to wanting a comfortable lifestyle.

I am not accusing you personally of doing this but it’s a recurring theme on these threads.

A decade ago.

I've had 3 S21s in that time, and this is the only time I’ve struggled to get a new private rental.

Because they now demand 45K minimum income not including UC, for £700 houses, in crap areas, perfect credit scores and high earning (over 50K), homeowner guarantors with perfect credit scores. And that’s for working couples.

I had all of those barring the income, I earn c39K and get DLA alongside UC, which means my UC is higher than it normally would be. Told me I couldn’t afford £700 rent when I’d spent 4 years paying £1000 for my previous house.

Single parents don’t even get viewings at the moment, temp accom is full of women with professional jobs who can’t get a new rental because they dared to get divorced/ran away from an abuser.

I went right down to the wire, ended up relocating entirely because a friend of a friend had a house coming up, had to move DDs schools, kept my job as it’s commuting distance (just about), and fortunately live in a very nice, semi rural area that is a huge step up from the inner city.

The laws in place to stop discrimination simply do not work as there is no way for them to be enforced.

It’s 2022. Women should be able to leave a marriage should they choose, housing should not be a barrier to that.

You are better off if you have maintained your work based skills and continued to work though.

Any couple splitting up will be worse off financially than together as the same household income has to support two households.

A woman who has been out of the workforce for five or more years may struggle to get a new job and even if she is able to return at a similar level her salary is likely to be lower than it would have been if she had not been out of the workforce. She is also going to (hopefully) have pension contributions, and savings that she wouldn't have accrued as a SAHM.

Even at the lowest salary she is better off having worked and being able to continue in an established role than starting afresh when her husband turns out to be an arse.

Even if a family aren't better off in terms of week by week disposable income if the mother goes to work the woman will be in a better position if couple split. This is often forgotten by women when they stop working or step back in their career, but you can bet your life the man doesn't forget the many benefits to him of a SAHM. He gets a nanny and housekeeper who is reliant upon him and will find it difficult to leave him, that an ego stroke, a convenience and a power trip.

My overall income is 65K when you throw in DLA, UC, CB and the child support payments that my ex has never missed, not once, in a decade.

I agree. And a hell of a lot of sexist men who leave the vast bulk of childcare, housework and mental load to their wives.

What a load of MRA arse. This is not the 1950s

I work with women who leave abusive relationships and move into refuges. Many of these women return to their abusers repeatedly because they consider it preferable to the alternative, so I'm under no illusions as to how difficult it can be.
Most in the end do leave and leave for good. Had they considered themselves trapped without hope of escape, many would be dead.
There is a huge amount of work to be done at all levels to support women to leave relationships when they need to. An important part of this is to show them that it is possible. Not easy, but absolutely possible.

Totally agree. I have three DDs and I have drummed into them that they need a career and at least the ability to be financially independent at the drop of a hat. They must also be married if they have DC. Seems to be falling on deaf ears!

(I wasn’t trapped. Carried on working full time throughout my marriage and walked away from it with the family home. The secret? I was lucky enough to have a very good education, pure and simple.)

(Sent too soon) …so I have a professional qualification that is always much in demand.

Ideally you would be able to rent somewhere and have the rent paid for, or rent topped up, with UC or Housing Benefit.

In reality, you first need to find somewhere with a landlord who will even consider a single parent and child(ren), then you need a hefty deposit, then you may find the rent is higher than the UC maximum so there is a shortfall every month, driving you into debt.

This is why women's refuges are so important - some place to flee to even when you have no deposit and no UC claim started. They will help you get on your feet and get set up.
(Although there is no guarantee that even if they help you get a tenancy the landlord won't sell up or put the rent up in six months' time.)

If you don't already, and can afford it, please, please consider giving a regular direct debit to a womens' refuge charity.

What a load of MRA arse. This is not the 1950s

You are not very intelligent. Read what I wrote a few more times, until you can understand my meaning.

Very true; when I’ve done the maths I’ve realised that even though I earn good money I’d still massively struggle now we have 2 DC

There are structural systemic issues that keep women trapped too and that inhibit their earning power. I left my marriage and was in a good position to do so as I’ve always been financially independent however I had children late on and had established a good career. That has meant I’ve been able to negotiate employment that is flexible enough to accommodate my D.C. who have very complex additional needs. The practicalities of school and additional support provision (or the lack there of) has meant that I could easily have found myself out of the workplace. That alone would have kept me in my marriage.

This is also why it is a disgrace that we no longer have a supply of secure adequate social housing.

Agree. This is my current situation. I’m in an unhappy marriage with a narcissist who I can’t afford to leave. I have no family support either. I work full time but in a low paid job and we have three kids. I’d love to go but there’s nowhere TO go.

All the LTB in the world won’t conjure up an affordable home.

Good on you.

You realise how close it is to saying ‘well you should just go and get a better paid job’?
As a society we need peop,et gay do all sorts of job, nit just highly qualified people that are high in demand. Those women are also entitled to be able to leave crap relationship p.

@Beancounter1 LHAs are around half of what private renting actually costs, they need a radical overhaul. A friend of mine is on UC, is still traumatised from leaving her abuser, can’t work. The part of UC that’s the “single person element” - which is meant to feed and clothed her - goes, in its entirety, to paying the part of the rent that UC doesn’t cover, in a deeply unpleasant area. The rent on a house that’s had extensive EH involvement due to the state of it. Because that’s what the council forced her to take when she fled/had to leave the refuge.

CMS have been toothless and have failed to get a single penny from her ex, who, fortunately, had zero interest in being a father to their DC once she left. That’s unusual but I’m grateful he’s such a cunt in that respect, because my cousin has been dragged through family court numerous times by her abuser.

My ex pays a high amount of CMS because he refused to have our children overnight, and by the time he could be bothered, they had no interest in spending extra time with him. The only reason I get that money every month, is because he loves his job and the lifestyle it affords him, and cannot be done self employed.

A refreshing read.
I am trying to find a way of getting out of my relationship, which isn't terrible, but not where I see myself growing old.
Unmarried, have managed finances 50-50 for decades as earn similar salaries working FT, me being the higher earner. 2DC.
I am so disappointed at how LTBing seems so much harder in real life than it does on here. So disappointed in myself for weighing things up and balking at uprooting my DC, and relocating to leave friends and family behind as housing anywhere near our area is prohibitively expensive. I really think there would be a market for 'escape pod homes'; affordable, compact rabbit hutches of compressed living, purpose built to house women and their children when despite equity and savings, buying alone remains out of reach. I feel so sad at the prospect of forcing the sale of our modest family home in order to piss away the capital on a private rental. I couldn't even afford to rent in our area.

Have you looked into what benefits you'd be entitled to?

Women need to take responsibility for their own circumstances though. Giving up careers / accepting that they will stay home or work part time or work a low paid job whilst you have children is ultimately a choice.

I agree with @BaddogGooddoggy

I'm the main earner and going through a divorce. I have a good education but I've worked my socks off and I accepted a long time ago that going part time or being a STAHM would never be possible - I'm now in a much better position for it

But this is assuming that women do, @singlemomof3

I earn £42,000 full time. That’s not a bad salary by anyones imagination. But would anyone like to pay a mortgage and two lots of childcare fees from it?