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Original poster

I don’t understand how someone can be so cruel??

87 replies

Leroapp · 05/11/2022 21:11

we broke up when I was 6 months pregnant after his behaviour became cruel, pressuring me to move abroad when the baby was born, mocking me if I felt sick or needed to lie down after work… just generally unpleasant and moody. I confided in his friend and said I couldn’t cope with him, ex went crazy saying I had no right (I realise that now but I was desperate at the time for some help and thought his friend might talk some sense into him). We had a blazing row about it, I called him names, not blameless in the row, but the following day I went to work and when I got back he had called in sick to sort out changing the locks and dumping my stuff with my family. I spent the last few weeks trying to talk, apologising, asking to at least please make arrangements for the baby etc. I was totally heartbroken and confused as to why he wouldn’t even talk and then he asked via a solicitor for a dna test! I thought we were committed. I said I would do it but would want him to arrange with me rather than solicitors as I can’t afford a solicitor after having to buy all the baby stuff on my own. He hadnt replied until yesterday (7 weeks later) and just said ‘don’t want to know the child, don’t update me.’ And I presume he has now blocked me.

I feel so distraught and confused by it all. Why not bring up paternity when we were together? Why has he even asked that? Why not do the test if you’re unsure? Why cut off his own child that he was happy to have in the first 6 months of pregnancy? How can someone be so cold?

I am very worried about money but so scared to claim given how nasty he has been. Apparently he’s already told his friend he doesn’t think he’s the dad, I did everything for this man and the baby was conceived on a holiday I paid for for his birthday!! Feel confused and can’t understand any of it.

OP posts:
barbedwired · 05/11/2022 21:20

The trash has taken itself out, in your shoes I'd leave him off the birth cert and get on with it alone.
He will only make you more reasonable than you already are if he remains in your life.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/11/2022 21:25

He’s a shit, and you and your baby will be a lot happier and safer without him. A DNA test will prove he’s the father. Do make sure you get the CMS onto him or he will keep finding ways to avoid paying for his child.

Forget about him, look after yourself and and enjoy life with your baby.

Original poster
Leroapp · 05/11/2022 21:25

barbedwired · 05/11/2022 21:20

The trash has taken itself out, in your shoes I'd leave him off the birth cert and get on with it alone.
He will only make you more reasonable than you already are if he remains in your life.

@barbedwired i just wish I understood. He hasn’t ever given me an explanation, where did this idea about paternity come from? And then why didn’t he go ahead when i agreed to do it outside solicitors? Why ask me to move abroad and be excited about the baby for six months then not want to know them after a row between us? What’s that got to do with the baby? I am so confused. I hate that I’m thinking about it all the time but none of it makes sense. I worry so much that the baby won’t know their dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leroapp · 05/11/2022 21:26

Ofcourseshecan · 05/11/2022 21:25

He’s a shit, and you and your baby will be a lot happier and safer without him. A DNA test will prove he’s the father. Do make sure you get the CMS onto him or he will keep finding ways to avoid paying for his child.

Forget about him, look after yourself and and enjoy life with your baby.

@Ofcourseshecan cross posted with my reply to @barbedwired

I want to focus on the future but these questions drown my mind. None of it makes any sense whatsoever.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 05/11/2022 21:28

where did this idea about paternity come from

Just wants to hurt you.

Velvian · 05/11/2022 21:28

He doesn't have any doubts about paternity, he is just using the opportunity to bad mouth you and to make his bad behaviour justifiable to everyone around him.

bluejelly · 05/11/2022 21:29

He is a shit, and you will probably never know why he is that way. But I wouldn't waste any more time and energy trying to work him out. Focus on your future and your baby, and build the best support network you can for your perfect family of two. Ultimately he is the one who will miss out.

Original poster
Leroapp · 05/11/2022 21:31

@BigFatLiar @Velvian @bluejelly One thing he never was though was malicious. I didn’t think anyway. I can’t imagine him doing that to be nasty? It honestly boggles my mind. He knew how dedicated I was to us. I couldn’t have been more so.

I worry so so so much on the impact on a child. How can he do this to them

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 05/11/2022 21:34

Never underestimate how awful people can be. Who knows what's happened to make him behave so. Now though is time for you to focus on yourself and your baby.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2022 21:37

@barbedwired dwired · Today 21:20

The trash has taken itself out, in your shoes I'd leave him off the birth cert and get on with it alone.

Given that he's not interested in the child and isn't going to register the birth with her, she CANNOT put him in the birth certificate if she wanted to. ...so that's a moot point.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 05/11/2022 21:40

You'll never be able to understand it. Because you're a decent person. Try and take some comfort in that.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2022 21:41

Why ask me to move abroad and be excited about the baby for six months then not want to know them after a row between us

Was he wanting you to go to his country of origin?

Was the move because of a job or something?

Sometimes, people wavt you to move to a place where they can have more control over you abs the laws don'ty favour women.

Do you know his family?

Original poster
Leroapp · 05/11/2022 21:42

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 05/11/2022 21:40

You'll never be able to understand it. Because you're a decent person. Try and take some comfort in that.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale i thought he was too though. I really did. Wouldn’t ever have gone near him otherwise. I never ever thought he or anyone could be so cruel. I wish he would have at least told me why. What it was I did or said or what caused this blow up to the extent of not wanting to know your own child and retrospectively questioning my loyalty to him months later. I just feel so broken.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 05/11/2022 21:42

Sometimes people show their true colours when their partners are pregnant. It's very disappointing but there is nothing you can do to change it.

Your baby will be fine without a dad, they really will. Children need loving, supportive and consistent parenting but it really doesn't need to come from two people. One is enough (though much easier if you have a support network).

And being a single parent is so much better than being in a bad relationship.

I was on a similar situation to you - my ex left me when my baby was tiny. But she has grown up to be an amazing young woman, resilient, caring and hard-working (unlike her dad!), and we have a great relationship.
Really don't despair!

Original poster
Leroapp · 05/11/2022 21:44

SandyY2K · 05/11/2022 21:41

Why ask me to move abroad and be excited about the baby for six months then not want to know them after a row between us

Was he wanting you to go to his country of origin?

Was the move because of a job or something?

Sometimes, people wavt you to move to a place where they can have more control over you abs the laws don'ty favour women.

Do you know his family?

@SandyY2K it was for work but not a long way really and I could have worked from where he wanted to move. It’s just crazy he asked all of this only then months later to do this? I have met his family, they are nice but never made much effort with me. We are in our thirties though and his parents are much older now, late 70s

OP posts:
Original poster
Leroapp · 05/11/2022 21:45

bluejelly · 05/11/2022 21:42

Sometimes people show their true colours when their partners are pregnant. It's very disappointing but there is nothing you can do to change it.

Your baby will be fine without a dad, they really will. Children need loving, supportive and consistent parenting but it really doesn't need to come from two people. One is enough (though much easier if you have a support network).

And being a single parent is so much better than being in a bad relationship.

I was on a similar situation to you - my ex left me when my baby was tiny. But she has grown up to be an amazing young woman, resilient, caring and hard-working (unlike her dad!), and we have a great relationship.
Really don't despair!

@bluejelly do they see their dad? Sorry you were in a similar situation. I just cannot understand the extent of his nastiness. I literally do not get it in the slightest. Even if he hates me for whatever reason, who abandons the baby they’ve been to scans to see for the first six months?!

OP posts:
bluejelly · 05/11/2022 21:50

@Leroapp she has seen her dad erratically- he has never played a major role in her life. In a way I think that was easier than if me and him had broken up when she was 10, say. She really didn't miss what she had never had.
I think some men just panic and shutdown when they have to face the reality of fatherhood. I think it's more common if they had a difficult relationship with their own father.

Feelinglikeachange22 · 05/11/2022 21:52

Blessing in disguise he has fucked off. Now you can bring up your child in a pure positive environment. Leave him off the birth certificate so he can't make life difficult down the line and enjoiy your beautiful baby. He's a freak.

Herejustforthisone · 05/11/2022 22:24

He’s a real nasty cunt, OP. Truly.

This isn’t your first thread, is it? Stop trying to understand it and just focus on having your baby. Fuck him. And do not put him on the birth certificate and don’t try to prompt him into being decent with pictures of the baby or any more apologies. Protect your baby from him.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2022 23:51

Sometimes (when you really don't want them to) men like this resurface after the baby is born or years later wanting to be involved.

It just creates a massive headache to say the least, as you're doing just fine without them.

Why not bring up paternity when we were together? Why has he even asked that? Why not do the test if you’re unsure?

He's not unsure.
He knows it's his baby.

His ego was dented when you spoke to his friend....he doesn't like that his friend knows he was being nasty to you, because that isn't the person he presents to other people.... and he got exposed.

PalePurplePinkPetal · 05/11/2022 23:52

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 05/11/2022 21:40

You'll never be able to understand it. Because you're a decent person. Try and take some comfort in that.

This.
you already said he was mean to you.
He is that person.
Its difficult, but look after yourself, don’t waste you life hoping for answers, when the only answer is that he cares about himself, more than anyone else.

LemonDrop22 · 06/11/2022 00:15

I don't know about doing the paternity test privately/independently ... That might just end up with you paying to have it done, and nor him.

If it were through legal channels, if the paternity test is positive (well it's presented as likelihood.donif it's very high likelihood) I believe he was to pay. And it's the better part of a grand.

My sister didnt get one done, she left it up to get ex to pursue it and he never did .... Because of it was "positive" he'd have had to have paid for it, something like 600 (over 20 yrs ago).

LemonDrop22 · 06/11/2022 00:15

*and not him

LemonDrop22 · 06/11/2022 00:20

Some men, when they bail on pregnant women (or want to), convince themselves that the baby is not theirs. They convince themselves because it gives them an out.

An out without looking and feeling like the world's worst shit.

So they'll start convincing themselves there's a good chance it's not actually their baby, and they'll start telling other people it's probably not ...so they don't think so badly of him. It's no longer "he walked out on that poor girl and his baby", it's now "apparently its not even his baby".

They think if they throw enough shit it'll stick, and most people they know won't be in close contact with their ex, and even if the poster ity test prices he is the father down the line.... He'll have put plenty of dou t in people's minds (and they won't know if he pays CM or not, only if ge sees the child, which he's already planning to get out of).

LemonDrop22 · 06/11/2022 00:25

Anyway,put in your CM claim against him as soon as baby arrives

It's about 12% of his salary if he doesn't take the baby any overnights. Only overnights count.

There's a calculator online.

If he is still lying to himself and others that it's not his child and he wants to "prove" that, let him go through official and legal channels to seek a paternity test, and he'll have to pay for it if he's deemed extremely likely to be the father.

(He'll probably never do it be sure he knows he very likely is, so it'll just prive you honest and he won't get off the hook for CM).

Incidentally where is he possibly moving??

Because not everywhere has reciprocal child maintenance agreements in place with the UK.