I don’t understand how someone can be so cruel??

[Leroapp]

we broke up when I was 6 months pregnant after his behaviour became cruel, pressuring me to move abroad when the baby was born, mocking me if I felt sick or needed to lie down after work… just generally unpleasant and moody. I confided in his friend and said I couldn’t cope with him, ex went crazy saying I had no right (I realise that now but I was desperate at the time for some help and thought his friend might talk some sense into him). We had a blazing row about it, I called him names, not blameless in the row, but the following day I went to work and when I got back he had called in sick to sort out changing the locks and dumping my stuff with my family. I spent the last few weeks trying to talk, apologising, asking to at least please make arrangements for the baby etc. I was totally heartbroken and confused as to why he wouldn’t even talk and then he asked via a solicitor for a dna test! I thought we were committed. I said I would do it but would want him to arrange with me rather than solicitors as I can’t afford a solicitor after having to buy all the baby stuff on my own. He hadnt replied until yesterday (7 weeks later) and just said ‘don’t want to know the child, don’t update me.’ And I presume he has now blocked me.

I feel so distraught and confused by it all. Why not bring up paternity when we were together? Why has he even asked that? Why not do the test if you’re unsure? Why cut off his own child that he was happy to have in the first 6 months of pregnancy? How can someone be so cold?

I am very worried about money but so scared to claim given how nasty he has been. Apparently he’s already told his friend he doesn’t think he’s the dad, I did everything for this man and the baby was conceived on a holiday I paid for for his birthday!! Feel confused and can’t understand any of it.

@user29 yes he definitely felt that, said he couldn’t trust me and that he felt like he had to be careful around me and that wasn’t right etc etc. Which I know is true, I was at rock bottom with how he was being with me and wanted someone to help. It was a mistake though. I don’t know why he then refused to speak to me at all about the baby though? Or want nothing to do with his own child, what, because I did something or said something he didn’t like?

A man that mocks you during pregnancy is no partner and will be no father. Get the DNA test so you can get money for the child off him.

Have you posted about this before?

@redbigbananafeet i often wonder if I was too sensitive though. For instance we’d be mid row and he’d do it, it wasn’t often he would mock me randomly though I do remember once him saying I was always in black clothes… really nasty tone that came out of nowhere. I was already feeling quite self conscious at this point so it felt a bit harsh. I don’t know… none of it seemed like the man I had met, or perhaps in reality the man I had conjured up in my mind.

@7eleven sorry, missed your post! I posted in September when he changed locks as I had nowhere to go that eve, was an awful night

Just a word of warning, if he moves abroad you probably have no hope of ever getting any money off him. CMS is useless if the father is out of the country - I found out the hard way.

Leave him off the birth certificate - nothing to be gained from a DNA test, it will just give him a hold over you without any benefits.

@7eleven NC as I’m almost certain his mum uses MN !

@Unicorn1919 he doesn’t want to know anything about the baby at all

Presumably you wouldn't treat a 'partner' you expected to be with for life like shit though? If OP was moaning about petty stuff/nit-picking you might have a point. But from the sounds of it he was a shit partner and this is a handy excuse to make it all OP's fault.

I'm sorry for the situation you're in OP. Remember a partner should be just that- it shouldn't be all on you to please them, it should be a 2 way street. Best of luck with your baby 💐

Suspicious about why he wanted to move abroad when the baby was born? Was this to be nearer his family if they lived overseas?

Do the DNA test if you want once the baby is born, leave him off the birth certificate and work out a way to do this alone. I suspect your life will be much easier without him in it and he has shown himself to be a toxic individual with not much to offer a child. The fact you brought all the baby stuff yourself speaks volumes.

My theory is that these insecure, ego driven men feel threatened by a child as they are no longer the most important thing in your life and will not get 100% of your undivided attention.

Talking to HIS friend was a poor decision

He wants you to suffer

However, the good news, is that you are free from him. You can plan your new life

Put in a claim for child maintenance. However, if he moves abroad, you will probably receive nothing.

Good luck

You have had a lucky escape

@FishFingerSandwiches4Tea @user29 it was really the way he wouldn’t speak at times and the final straw was when he went off one evening to sit in his car and drink rather than come into the house and talk like adults. I started to worry about his well-being as he was constantly offhand and cold, it was very confusing. I’d ask if it was about the baby and he would say no but then proceed to be silent or just… different with me. Maybe I was being sensitive. He wouldn’t speak to friends and I asked him to often as I felt he needed some wider perspective. Basically I didn’t know what to do in the end. I agree though I shouldn’t have gone to his friend at all

@bigblueyonder as I understand he it he didn’t feel he should contribute until it was established the baby was his. Same for not wanting to know a thing about the baby now. It’s all crazy though as I wish he had raised this earlier in my pregnancy, had no idea he harboured such unsavoury thoughts about me.

Be good for her to see what he’s up to!

Mine was involved early on, but split later no contact no money.
Children are now successful adults in careers, own property and good relationships. I am a doting Nan. Your child will be ok with one loving parent, believe me.

@Mumsgirls i don’t know if dc is a boy or girl yet. Worry more if a boy, won’t they really need their dad more than a girl? I am worried on their behalf.

No one needs a dad like that. No one.

i just wish I understood. He hasn’t ever given me an explanation

He will never give you an explanation and you will never understand.

Sorry that is so harsh but it is true. I am 60 years old and have experienced a lot of things and heard a lot of things. When people (like you)are put in this situation they almost always spend a lot of time and energy trying to understand but they never do get an explanation, at least not one that make sense or makes anything ok. He almost certainly can't really explain it himself. People rarely do understand why they themselves make bad decisions.

It is really, really hard and I have enormous sympathy for you but you are now in this situation. There is not going to be any revelation about why it happened. You simply have to live with it. Be kind to yourself, only spend time with good people. Be angry for as long as you need to. Eventually you will be able to live with it and feel ok. Time will give you the perspective and 'explanation' you need. He never will.

Even if he hates me for whatever reason, who abandons the baby they’ve been to scans to see for the first six months?!

Someone who is an awful person with no decency and who can switch off their fake feelings and niceness whenever it doesn't fit in with what they want anymore. I know it hurts now, OP, but you and your child will be better off without this man.

Because they do, my opinion is they compartment their brain and shut that bit off.
They can and do change and become unrecognisable to the person you thought they were. For example my husband was over the moon with our first couldn’t do enough same with the second, you could not have met a more devoted father. In my case we are no longer together due to his adultery he changed from the dad who could not do more for his children who were his life. Into a unrecognisable person who didn’t care he has seen them 3 times this year. What I’m not saying is he met someone else absolutely not , but as in my case it was all an act he acted the dad for many years, but then soon as he had an opportunity to go he did. This people are not nice they appear nice to others they write a narrative of their own imagination so as to not make themselves look bad.
I guess some men can walk away with no thought whatsoever, let’s face it it’s not them with the bump and movements of another person.
Priorities now are you. You have to take care of yourself as long as you are ok then so will the baby. CMS as soon as baby here. It’s money for the child.

It might not have been the wisest idea to speak to his friend, but it does not warrant this reaction. Unfortunately he's just a nobber and is showing you who he really is. Stop looking to blame yourself ie with 'maybe I wad too sensitive?' NO. He's a nobber.

Worry more if a boy, won’t they really need their dad more than a girl? I am worried on their behalf.

No, it won't matter. What they definitely won't need is a toxic father figure who will mess them about, let them down or screw with their heads.

He knows the baby is his, he is denying it to try and wriggle out of his responsibilities and walk away. Up to you whether you want to let him do this- if you are leave him off the birth certificate so you can cut contact completely.

Worry more if a boy, won’t they really need their dad more than a girl? I am worried on their behalf

Positive male role models yes. A toxic dad, no. This applies to girls as well as boys.You can find positive male role models in lots of places. Try and get them into a sports club such as football as this contains lots of excellent positive male coaches. This is worth way more than attachment to an avoidant dad. The best thing you can give your child is a safe, reliable home, ragardless of gender.

I never saw him as an abusive man

Do you think any woman embarks on a relationship seeing the man as abusive? That's not how it works.

Just go through CMS when baby is here. If he wants a paternity test, he can pay for it then.

perfectly put.
if not now but you will see that in the future.
in fact he did a favour to you.