I don’t understand how someone can be so cruel??

[Leroapp]

we broke up when I was 6 months pregnant after his behaviour became cruel, pressuring me to move abroad when the baby was born, mocking me if I felt sick or needed to lie down after work… just generally unpleasant and moody. I confided in his friend and said I couldn’t cope with him, ex went crazy saying I had no right (I realise that now but I was desperate at the time for some help and thought his friend might talk some sense into him). We had a blazing row about it, I called him names, not blameless in the row, but the following day I went to work and when I got back he had called in sick to sort out changing the locks and dumping my stuff with my family. I spent the last few weeks trying to talk, apologising, asking to at least please make arrangements for the baby etc. I was totally heartbroken and confused as to why he wouldn’t even talk and then he asked via a solicitor for a dna test! I thought we were committed. I said I would do it but would want him to arrange with me rather than solicitors as I can’t afford a solicitor after having to buy all the baby stuff on my own. He hadnt replied until yesterday (7 weeks later) and just said ‘don’t want to know the child, don’t update me.’ And I presume he has now blocked me.

I feel so distraught and confused by it all. Why not bring up paternity when we were together? Why has he even asked that? Why not do the test if you’re unsure? Why cut off his own child that he was happy to have in the first 6 months of pregnancy? How can someone be so cold?

I am very worried about money but so scared to claim given how nasty he has been. Apparently he’s already told his friend he doesn’t think he’s the dad, I did everything for this man and the baby was conceived on a holiday I paid for for his birthday!! Feel confused and can’t understand any of it.

Why not do the test if you’re unsure?

Reliable safe paternity tests are only available after the baby has been born AFAIK.

It wasn't anything you said or did that caused this.

The relationship was already in trouble and he was being cruel towards you. Some people are just made that way I'm afraid. Some women don't escape, and end up being horribly abused for years.

You need to thank your lucky stars that the relationship is over.

My ex husband didn't show his true colours until after we had children. He definitely wasn't the same man I planned a family with. And I had my self I knots trying to understand his behaviour and getting him to understand why I was upset etc. some people are just horrible and there's no reasoning with them.

Why not bring up paternity when we were together?.

Because the paternity doubt excuse for dunking you and his child coincided with him deciding to dump you and his child.

He evidently decided to take that route when he left 7 (?) wks ago, but the cruel, derogatory, impatient, intolerant etc. behaviour was apparently going on quite a while before that ..... So he was not fully settled or positive or happy, and that clearly reached a type of breaking point for him.

How were you going to fmgo through the often extremely trying newborn and baby stage with someone behaving the way he was at such a relatively easy stage anyway? It's honestly better that he's away from you. I dress to think the stress etc he's have inflicted on you at such a vulnerable and demanding time.

The parternity thing is an excuse and a cover, that's all.

Something he can tell himself and other people to make himself look and feel better about dumping his pregnant gf and soon to be child.

(It's similar to the excuses (character assassination of their spouse often) adulterers make when they break up their marriages and original families).

If I were you I’d stop agonising about why you’ve broken up. Stand back from what’s happened and view him as a person. Your first sentence illustrates how despicable and cruel he was to you, yet you still wanted to be with him.

You've had a very lucky escape from an absolute ba..ard.

Hold that thought.

Forever.

I wish he would have at least told me why. What it was I did or said or what caused this blow up

You're perhaps not seeing the wood for the trees... The behaviour you've mentioned from earlier in your pregnancy was very mixed. He might have been talking about the pregnancy and future, but he was also being very derogatory, intolerant, unkind, inconsiderate, severely unsupportive etc. He was already showing a real lack of tolerance and support; you've got to wonder what underpinned that. He may have realised that things were not abd not going to be all about him, centred in him anymore. That it wasn't going to all be easygoing, fun, him being the priority, no support or to tolerance required of him. It sounds like you centred him and were v generous to him (the holiday thing) ..... He realised you and the unborn child were now too priority and he had to be unselfish. He realised this would be 100 times more when the baby arrived. By the sounds of it, he doesn't fancy that shit one little bit.

*top priority

This type of extreme, cold, callous, irresponsible, "forget they exist", "close that chapter and move on almost instantly" etc behaviour is also typical of personality disorders, like narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder etc. It's not impossible he has one or more and that's a factor.

Is he from a culture where 'face' is extremely important?

You are entitled to maintenance. You don't need to have anything to do with him but in all honesty I'd avoid him, don't put name on birth certificate. Focus on building a happy life for you and your beautiful little baby. You won't look back, it won't be easy but you don't need to involve him. Pursue him for maintenance or go it alone but don't involve him in a relationship with the child. Men like him don't change but do often start trying to tell you what to do when baby comes.

He didn't want the baby and instead of having the balls to be honest and say this, he behaved terribly until you got upset, then made it all your fault (at least in his warped mind). He's using everything he can think of to excuse him walking away: you called him a name, the baby isn't his - literally anything no matter how flimsy or low.

None of this is your fault. He's a coward and a lowlife to boot.

@Leroapp don't torture yourself trying to understand his motivations. You can't because you're not like him.

He doesn't want this child and it's far better that he's out of the picture than flitting in and out of your lives and confusing the child.

Do as others advised and plan your life for you and your child.
He won't be on the birth certificate but you can still claim from CMS and you should.

OP THIS!. they hate it when you tell their friends or family how they behave. You are "ruining their image". You are supposed to suffer in silence.

You would never imagine how cruel and nasty some men can be when they are no longer emotionally involved with you. Its pretty shocking. Ive been there. Its really hard to get over but you will. They are even happy to hurt their kid to " get back at you". Just remember that HE is an asshole and you dont deserve this!.

You can get through this
Just focus on your lovely baby and rebuild your life. You are very likely to meet someone who can be father figure to your child. Please dont try to encourage this man to be a father. Just let him go. He is the scum of the earth!

@runninglikewater @BeautifulWar @VioletLemon @LemonDrop22 i think what’s hard is that he was never THAT cold prior to pregnancy. He had his moments but don’t we all… he could be a little temperamental or off but when the chips were down I always thought of him as someone who did the right thing.

i guess I can and have accepted his nastiness towards me but cutting off his child like that is something I can’t fathom at all. We live an hour and fifteen apart now and I wonder if he just feels he can’t deal with it and his job (can’t drive so would have to take public transport which isn’t the easiest here). I know I have to accept it but it almost feels like another round of confusion… first trying to understand how he could hate me so much not to even speak directly (we had a row for goodness sake), but now also to get my head around what he’s going to do to his baby. Will he really just go about his day, lead up to Xmas, new year etc and totally ignore the fact he’s a father? All his friends/colleagues are parents and he seemed happy at the start of pregnancy. How can you go through life not knowing your own child, especially at that age, he’s not a kid.

Everything he is doing is to control you. Abuse often starts in pregnancy. But i bet from reading a follow post that you probably ignored some poor behaviour before that point. He didn't like that you spoke up to him during the row. you have to stop tying to work out why he would act in certain ways. The answer to every one of those is he does it to hurt you. He knows he is the father. Denying that hurts you.

Why did you apologise for him changing the locks and throwing you out?!

he might try to further control you by promising you a reconciliation prior to the birth, to ensure he gets his way on bc and name. Again, to hurt you later.

you know who he really is now. Dont let him fool you into thinking he isnt an awful piece of garbage. The person you thought he was doesnt exist.

make a plan for the birth with someone you trust.
as soon as baby arrives, contact the cms.
do not put him on birth cert. If he wants it, he can go to court for it. He wont be arsed
Do not do anything stupid like saddle your baby with the surname of a deadbeat dad.
if he insists on and pays for a paternity test after birth, ensure it is supervised. A friends shitty ex insisted on one, but refused to do it in front of the offocial. He wasnt planning to swab himself.

@JulesCobb i apologiesd for my part in the rows that proceeded him changing the locks. I wasn’t perfect and stood my ground/said things I regret. Only difference is I wouldn’t have cut him off and would have talked calmly whether together or apart as parents. He never wanted to do that, then the next I hear he wants a paternity test. Funnily enough my ex asked to do a home test (unsupervised) and when I said no let’s do it at a clinic, no reply…

I know you said abuse often ramps up in pregnancy but honestly I never saw him as an abusive man. He didn’t handle conflict well, was very selfish at times but not abusive I don’t think… I think I interpreted his selfishness as abuse when pregnant as I felt so neglected and like he did not give a shit.

@JulesCobb *preceded him changing locks

Have you posted about this before? If so, I’m sorry to see nothing has changed. Focus on your baby.

What a horrible twat and what a lucky escape you have had. He wants you blocked so he doesn't have to take responsibility well tough luck mate do not let him get away without paying for anything. Do the dna test prove he is the father and then make sure he has to pay something. Go to citizens advice to see what to do. Your child is better off without him in their life anyway and you will be fine join some pre natal post natal and baby groups for support your health visitor should have details hopefully and there may be some single parent ones too. Wish you luck

I think one of the most mine boggling things was the paternity test request, when it was always me doing the running for our relationship anyway! How he could come to that conclusion weeks before birth is really strange to me. And then I agree to do it, he goes silent. And on the face of it it seems he’d have done it to be nasty but I’m not sure even he’d do that… either way he’s happy having a child out there who he may not be sure is his but suspects may be?!

@Stoppissingonmyfuckingheather thanks, I agreed to the test if we arranged it ourselves at a clinic (not a home test snd not through solicitor as I couldn’t afford my own). He then ignored me and eventually said not to talk about ‘the child’ and he didn’t want to know. No acknowledgement at all that I have limited money now on maternity or wanting to establish things so he could do the right thing. He’s not hard up either, he has a job and own place. I never ever thought someone over the age of 20 would be so selfish but at this age? I don’t get it.

How long were you together before getting pregnant? How well did you know him?

@DreamingOfSoftWhiteSand met in 2020 and pregnant in 2022. We moved in after six months, thought I knew him well really. He was definitely a bit awkward and people would comment on this, doesn’t really make much effort with friends etc but genuinely I thought we were a good match… enjoyed the same things, had a pleasant relationship really. Thought looking back I definitely did all the running, he was always busy at work and that was his priority, it would be me driving to him etc but then he’d sort dinner. We talked a lot about the future.

To play devil's advocate, I think if a serious partner i was planning a life with went to my best friend to tell them what a bitch i was, I think it would be a dealbreaker for me too. It is a massive breach of trust and very humiliating.