Affair Trauma - content warning: mentions suicide

[Mariemalone]

Hi all, long story short, I was with my (now ex) partner for 5 years, we were engaged & due to be married next year. Our engagement was a year ago, and a few months ago I found out he had been having an affair with my (now ex, married best friend)

Obviously I'm heartbroken, and I can't get my head around why, or how, but I am really struggling to deal with this. After I found out about the affair, I immediately kicked him out, and things took a turn for the worst. He attempted suicide by taking 2 overdoses, then the third and fourth time, he made attempts to hang himself. Each time he did this, I was there trying to support him (although I owed him nothing)

Things have settled down, I haven't heard from him for about 6 weeks, he was writing letters and trying to contact me in every way he could, full of regret and saying it was his mental health that made him cheat. I asked that he stopped contacting me for my own sanity, and I have had some counselling to help with the trauma.

As for the friend, I haven't heard from her since the day I found out. I don't want to, but I feel so angry all the time, I have dreams about her most nights, and I just don't know what to do about it. Everyone is saying silence is golden, and I don't want to cause a scene, but I feel like I'm going to explode. Her husband kicked her out, and she is living with her parents, I was very close to them, and they were my parents best friends. She has a young son, and my partner had a teenage son from a previous relationship, both of which I was really really close to.

I feel like I have lost so much, and I know I deserve so much better, but I just feel hopeless. I'm low in mood, I don't want to do much with friends, I cancel plans, and I'm full of dread. I have lost the 2 people who I loved so very much, and I feel like a total fool. I saw signs, I confronted both of them, she made me feel like I was insane by saying I had a low self esteem, and he made a joke if it and laughed it off. It was going on for 2 years, maybe more. In that time he proposed, we booked our wedding, she was my bridesmaid and her son was my page boy. I just don't understand how. They both said it was just sex, and they aren't together now (as far as I know) although they have been seen drinking on a beach together, probably wallowing in their own self pity. She has blamed it on her husband working too much.

I'm traumatised, mostly by the suicide, I had to cut shoelaces from his throat. He always went to a public busy place, so I have now (after councelling) have learned it was probably a cry for help, but at the time it didn't feel that way. Does anyone have any advice, or anything that could help me wade through this awful time. I have a supportive family and a small group of close friends who I can talk to, but I just feel like I'm sick of boring them with my problems, so I tend to not say anything and put a smile on my face.

Any help and advice will be greatly helpful, I might explode with anger or drown in a pool of tears (dramatic I know)

Thank you 😊 x

Title edited by MNHQ to add a content warning

Hi
I know exactly how this double betrayal feels.
My old user name involved screaming inside and I wrote about my DH's affair with my best friend here on MN.

All I can say is be kind to yourself. Everything you are feeling is okay. It will pass.

I found writing letters to the (affair partner) AP quite carthetic. I never sent them. I wrote it all down, sealed the envelope and hid them away.

It took over a year before the thought of seeing her didn't make me shake.

On the suicide I don't have experience. What a selfish manipulative thing he is! How dare he try to push his guilt and shame onto you in that way!

Thank you for replying. I'm sorry to hear you have experienced this too. I have written a letter to her parents, I was planning on sending it, but I haven't. Mostly because I don't want to deal with her telling my ex and then telling more lies, this may trigger his suicide again, and I just won't cope.

It's so unfair that I feel I can't scream at both of them, and ask the questions I want to, all because I am worried he will make the suice attempts again. I am sacrificing my own feelings to spare his. In all honesty, I still don't feel really angry toward him, perhaps because I love the guy, but I feel more hurt & upset. As for her, her lies are absolutely disgusting, and I'm sure she would make something up to protect herself. I'm.not an angry or violent person, in fact, I'm a total wimp, if someone is horrible to me I just cry, but when this angry feeling comes over me, I could honestly get in my car, go to her mums and rip her hair out. It's an awful feeling to be so angry, I have never experienced it, some days I really could do her some damage.

I hope things have got better for you, it's only been 4 months since this all happened, so it's still early days. Having to cancel my wedding was gut wrenching. He hasn't had to deal with any of it, he is wallowing qnd feeling sorry for himself.

I do take sertraline and I have had counselling, but the last 2 or 3 weeks have been extra tough. I feel myself sleeping more, feeling anxious and dreading my future. I hope I'm not spiraling into some kind of mental breakdown and this is just normal.

@Mariemalone
Please ask for this post to be moved to the 'Relationships' forum as you will receive far more support and valuable advice from those who have been through similar.

I have been in your shoes and can tell you that everything you are feeling is quite normal. Particularly your anger towards your exfriend. Of course you want/need answers after their totally unforgivable behaviour.

At the moment however to work through it and move forward you have to put yourself first and take care of YOU. I found keeping busy, spending time with others helped as a distraction from intrusive thoughts even though I felt numb inside.

The fact your expartner and friend have been seen together since discovery is telling in itsself.

I really feel for you, OP. I was also in your shoes and it was terrible, just terrible. It absolutely shattered my life.

All I can say is hang on, confide in your friends and family and carry on with the counselling. I had months of it and it did help.

What also helped me was moving house completely out of the county. Unfortunately I have to co-parent with my bastard of an ex (who incidentally has gone on to cheat on his other girlfriends since we split up, the prick) but moving meant I no longer had to see her, which really helped.

The anger you are feeling is entirely normal, if devastating. I honestly don't know how I managed to stop myself punching her in the face.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for all that you're going through and have been there myself. It's gut wrenching, humiliating, embarrassing and a whole host of other emotions. The anger will pass.

As NeedHelp101 did, I also left the area we were living in and got right back to Edinburgh. This certainly helped me to get over all of it and into apathy a lot quicker than having to see the arseholes. All of our married couple friends in the area knew it had been going on for some time and none of them told me. I felt my only option was to leave as I felt I had no friends that I could trust where I was. Is leaving the area an option for you? I cannot tell you how much this helped. Once you don't have to see them at all anymore, your life/mood will dramatically improve.

I will eat my hat if those suicide attempts were genuine and anything more than an attempt to manipulate you.

I’m sorry, OP, you’ve been treated horrendously by these two people.

Tbh, I'd see his suicide attempts as manipulative.

My ex got me to stay with him by claiming he was depressed, it was his MH, he said he'd walked into the river.

I realise your ex has definitely actually made those attempts (whereas in retrospect I'm not sure about my ex), but he has done them in such a way as to be found.

I think there's an element of manipulation there. I would try to look back on your relationship and consider if you were emotionally manipulated throughout by him. I don't think poor MH makes men shag other women, our friends - it's entitlement and selfishness, and don't forget the affect on your mental health of all the gaslighting they did to you for years.

Go back to the GP and your counsellor if you can, and get some extra support, and I would keep both of them out of your life entirely - it's good that contact has stopped with him, keep it that way. The gaslighting they did, the betrayal will have affected you, it was emotionally abusive really, though we don't often talk about affairs like that - but what else is it when you make the other person think they're seeing things that aren't there and being irrational?

Give yourself time. Life will get better, you just have to keep going.

Discovering an affair is traumatic. Combine that with the suicide attempts and it’s no wonder you’re struggling - you likely have PTSD, plus you’re grieving the relationship you thought you had (with both you ex and your friend). That’s a huge amount to process and your brain/body will be overwhelmed. I’d definitely recommend continuing with therapy (perhaps look into EMDR, which can work wonders from trauma) and just be kind to yourself. Accept that it’s ok to feel angry/sad/hurt/bitter. It’s totally normal to feel that way after what’s happened. By fighting those feelings, you’re adding layers of pain onto the original pain, and prolonging the suffering. Sending love 💐

I'm going to say the harshest thing I've ever said on here.

You don't owe him a chance at life. He is manipulating you. You have somehow found him each time and saved his life. I cannot think of anything more cruel that someone could do to YOU.

Betrayal is soul destroying. And he is dictating YOUR emotions by making these attempts.

You don't owe him anything. Shut the door on him. What he does, whether it's an attempt or successful, is not on you OP.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just reading your post makes me want to rip both their hair out myself!

I'll probably post another response later, as I couldn't read and run. But you have been emotionally destroyed by two people. And all they are doing now, is sticking the knife in further and twisting it. My god, you deserve so much more.

Affair trauma and PTSD is very real. You've been hit even harder with dealing with his suicide attempts.

Affair trauma alone takes 2-5 years to heal from. You're still in the very early stages. And that's without the trauma from his breakdown.

Get as much professional support as possible, individual counselling and any trauma based therapy.

Feel the feels. Cry when you want to. Scream when you want to. Rage when you want to. It's like an earthquake with regular aftershocks until at last they dissipate.

I promise it does get better.

For a moment I felt sorry for the exP. Until I read They both said it was just sex, and they aren't together now (as far as I know) although they have been seen drinking on a beach together, probably wallowing in their own self pity. She has blamed it on her husband working too much.

"It was just sex" - made me vomit

"She has blamed it on her husband working too much" - made me vomit

they have been seen drinking on a beach together -- so much for remorse, shame, guilt etc. 😡😡😡

I'm another one who went through the same thing. And as op said I had to move as far as I could reasonably move and still allow the kids to maintain school and their relationship with their Dad to even try but get over it. Until then I was a nervous wreck every time I went to Tesco as everyone knew and I was humiliated and devastated and I lived in fear of bumping into her.
It's now 6 years later. I didn't even begin to get back to myself for three years or so. I lost a job, I became very low, I didn't know myself at all.
But the good news is that now, although I wouldn't choose to see her, if I did it wouldn't leave me a nervous wreck as it once would. I could ignore her and it wouldn't ruin my day or my week even.
She is irrelevant to me as she is so far beneath me that I don't even need to give her a minutes thought. Anyone who is so nasty and deceitful and selfish doesn't deserve your time or headspace is how to see it I think. This is still very Fresh for you, time is the best healer of all,plus good friends and prioritising yourself if you can. You can and will get though it, a bit bruised and a bit more cynical maybe, but get through it you will.

So he cheated on you, then you ended up having to console him for what he'd done? Piss take.

I'll go with the OP above who said that the suicide attempts were manipulation on his part. I think you're well rid tbh.

I am so so sorry.
You are the victim here, not him. I was almost traumatised after an awful affair, but not as bad as the consequences of the one your fiance had. I promise it will get easier- it never completely leaves, but it fades into the background (this was more than 10 years ago for me).

OP, you almost certainly have PTSD. I do/did. I don't think you can escape it, especially as you've been through so much more than the betrayal.

Anyway, fuck him. Seriously, fuck him. You need to detach totally from him, if you can. He is not your concern anymore. The longer you go NC, the better you will feel, I promise.

I urge you to read ChumpLady's Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. It will explain a lot about those who cheat in such a devastating way and how to recover.

UnMumsnetty hug for you.

I remember going to see my doctor and telling him I was just a nervous wreck, shaking all the time - he said "It's like a bereavement."

Having gone through a really traumatic bereavement a couple of years later, I can say he was right. It's just awful.

I'm so glad you have supportive friends and family. Don't plaster on a smile, talk to them. It WILL get better.

And read Chump Lady x

Bet if you'd walked out and shut the door on him, he'd have miraculously escaped. And it wouldn't have happened again once he knew you weren't going to be rushing to his rescue.

Mine certainly did.

I'm so sorry op. I didn't want to read and run

You've been treated appallingly by those closest to you

I agree the suicide attempts were manipulation. He's got a fucking nerve getting you to console him after what he's done to you.

I also think it's a way to get you to pity him and take him back.

Remorse. Aye. Drinking together so full of remorse

Just sex. And busy husband somehow makes it worse. What they couldn't think of anything better to do to while away the time. Pathetic. I have zero tolerance for affairs full stop but I would be more understanding if it was because you met the love of your life etc etc.

to throw everything away for something so meaningless is just shocking.

Cut them off complete. If he rings saying Anything suicidal just hang up, ring the police, they will do a welfare check. It's all manipulation.

Take care of yourself. I'm glad you have friends you can rely on. Be angry be sad be whatever you need.

Thank you all so much for all your advise and supporting messages. I am really hoping things do get easier, I'm struggling more than I thought, and the bad days are horrible.

Silence may be golden, but I am just about ready to explode!! Perhaps going back to counselling will be helpful for me. The night terrors are awful as well, I'm not sure how to stop these. 😕

I'm also saddened to see this has happened to so many other people. It's very hard to believe there are more people in this world who are so cruel and selfish. Its only been 4 months, so I have to be kind to myself, but I just want it all to go away and wish I could just have my old life back :(

The both of them are awful people. Be glad you discovered the affair, before you married him.

His suicide attempts are manipulative as others have said. He could have quietly committed suicide in his house. He wants to manipulate you back into the relationship... shame on him. He uses his mental health as an excuse for a 2 year affair...absolute bullsh!t.

I suggest you continue with counselling. This is a terrible double betrayal...but in time, it won't be as painful as it is now.

I know this is easy to say but hold onto the fact you found out what a nasty piece of work he is (and that awful woman for that matter) before you got married to him.

In time, I promise you, you will see this as a blessing. He is an unsafe partner for anyone who has the misfortune of getting involved with him.

Give yourself time, then write down a list of amazing things you've always wanted to do and focus on that, get out there live an amazing life and show the world that like a phoenix you will rise!

You can do this!

OP this is a shit ton of trauma to go through no wonder you're struggling. Be nice to yourself xx

I think I will try to get away from the area as a previous poster said. Would you be interested in taking time off work and travelling for a few months?

The worst thing is I still don't feel hatred or anger toward him. I still don't believe what he has done to me. I was with him for 5 years, yes, he had his bad traits, and times when things were pretty tough and I had to look after him when his mental health was bad, or his drinking was out of control. But on the whole, he absolutely idolised me, well I thought he did. He was so kind to me most of the time, he would cook dinner, run me baths, rub my feet, just small things that meant so much. He was my rock, when I felt down about anything, he would make it better. Now I don't have him to make things better, because he caused it.

It's like I see him as 2 people. The person I love and is amazing, and then this person with terrible mental health and made these awful decisions. But he is the same person. I just can't believe it. I don't understand how he did it. For so long. He proposed, he booked a wedding, we got our rings, he was so excited. He didn't have to do any of it, I didn't ask for it. He could have just left me for her, but he didn't. It makes no sense to me.