Affair Trauma - content warning: mentions suicide

[Mariemalone]

Hi all, long story short, I was with my (now ex) partner for 5 years, we were engaged & due to be married next year. Our engagement was a year ago, and a few months ago I found out he had been having an affair with my (now ex, married best friend)

Obviously I'm heartbroken, and I can't get my head around why, or how, but I am really struggling to deal with this. After I found out about the affair, I immediately kicked him out, and things took a turn for the worst. He attempted suicide by taking 2 overdoses, then the third and fourth time, he made attempts to hang himself. Each time he did this, I was there trying to support him (although I owed him nothing)

Things have settled down, I haven't heard from him for about 6 weeks, he was writing letters and trying to contact me in every way he could, full of regret and saying it was his mental health that made him cheat. I asked that he stopped contacting me for my own sanity, and I have had some counselling to help with the trauma.

As for the friend, I haven't heard from her since the day I found out. I don't want to, but I feel so angry all the time, I have dreams about her most nights, and I just don't know what to do about it. Everyone is saying silence is golden, and I don't want to cause a scene, but I feel like I'm going to explode. Her husband kicked her out, and she is living with her parents, I was very close to them, and they were my parents best friends. She has a young son, and my partner had a teenage son from a previous relationship, both of which I was really really close to.

I feel like I have lost so much, and I know I deserve so much better, but I just feel hopeless. I'm low in mood, I don't want to do much with friends, I cancel plans, and I'm full of dread. I have lost the 2 people who I loved so very much, and I feel like a total fool. I saw signs, I confronted both of them, she made me feel like I was insane by saying I had a low self esteem, and he made a joke if it and laughed it off. It was going on for 2 years, maybe more. In that time he proposed, we booked our wedding, she was my bridesmaid and her son was my page boy. I just don't understand how. They both said it was just sex, and they aren't together now (as far as I know) although they have been seen drinking on a beach together, probably wallowing in their own self pity. She has blamed it on her husband working too much.

I'm traumatised, mostly by the suicide, I had to cut shoelaces from his throat. He always went to a public busy place, so I have now (after councelling) have learned it was probably a cry for help, but at the time it didn't feel that way. Does anyone have any advice, or anything that could help me wade through this awful time. I have a supportive family and a small group of close friends who I can talk to, but I just feel like I'm sick of boring them with my problems, so I tend to not say anything and put a smile on my face.

Any help and advice will be greatly helpful, I might explode with anger or drown in a pool of tears (dramatic I know)

Thank you 😊 x

Title edited by MNHQ to add a content warning

I don't have advice to give on this particular situation, but I know that whe you hold a lot of anger, it's extremely helpful and important to find ways to let it out. Commit to regularly releasing out your anger for your own sake. Taking up boxing (or getting a punching bag), screaming into pillows, punching couch cushions, going to designated "smash centres'' (yes they're a thing, my friend went when her husband cheated on her) where you literally smash dishes to get out your anger. There's also a special kind of yoga where you do poses that help release anger (poses that involve roaring and things like that). Whatever works for you. It sounds awkward but you don't want all this anger stuck in your body so best to process it. Eventually if you're still feeling very intensely traumatised, I would recommend getting EMDR therapy to help reduce the intensity of the emotions.

I held a lot of anger from my childhood and some of my formative experiences and this has all helped me to release so much of it.

Kick boxing is very helpful. It is ok to be completely furious. Write a letter, burn it then stomp on the ashes. So sorry OP

@ButtonHouseGhost I went through something similar but found out about escorts. Was carrying around so much shame that wasn't mine. Once I told a couple of trusted people, I felt felt that shame being lifted of my shoulders.

So I wrote my letter, I have burned one, ripped one, read it aloud, read it in my head and I still really want to send it to her. I just feel its the closure I need. I have read all your replies and most of them suggest not to send it! Ahhh.

Maybe sit on it for another few weeks and see if you still want to? If you still want to on the 29th of January, say, then do it.

I get that you you feel the need for some closure from her because she was your friend(she really never was).
It is a double betrayal.

Serious visit the double betrayal section of survivinginfidelity website.

You are never going to get what you need from Either of them.

I am in a very similar situation. Discovered 4 months ago that DH had slept with my best friend. He also has bipolar and had not been taking his medication.

I have spoken to my friend many times - I had to tell her how I felt and how betrayed I felt. I felt far worse about what she had done to be honest. I have never screamed or shouted at her but I needed her to know exactly how I felt. I have just started counselling and am hoping that will help me start to come to terms with everything that has happened.

I am the opposite! I would send it.
My husband had an affair with my best friend and I was devastated. The grief was unbelievable as you lose two people.
I had anger in me I didn't even know I had and I vented at them both big time. However, I am now embarrassed by it and wish I hadn't done it as I did it face to face and looking back a letter would have been better. She probably won't read it though!

Every bereavement has stages. The stages of bereavement when someone dies have been clearly described but I think there are similar stages in the bereavement of the loss of a relationship. And you were “ doubly bereaved” by the betrayal of your partner and yoyr best friend.
Anger is one of the stages — it’s the one I found most difficult after my DP died and all I can tell you is this will pass. It takes time but it will pass.
As you want to write to your ex friend write everything down — swear at her, tell her exactly what you think of her. Write again and again. It’s a great way of getting emotion out. Then burn them. Not just checking them in a fire, a ceremonial burning and tell get to disappear, burn herself — whatever you want is fine.
Recognise that you’re grieving a relationship that was sadly built on false hope and lies — he lied to you and was happy to do that. Once you’ve processed everything the anger and sadness will go.
And stop turning down invitations and backing out of things!! Start small, but do go out with your friends. You deserve to be happy.

Lots of good advice here, OP.

I can understand your mixed feelings towards your exP. You are a kind person who still wants to protect him (even though it's not your responsibility and he doesn't deserve your kindness). It's hard to break the habit of loving someone, even when they have betrayed you as he did. But I think you need to move on for your own good.

No mixed feelings towards your ex-friend. She lied and gaslighted you, pretending to be your best friend in order to use you and get a cheap thrill out of deceiving you with your exP. What a PoS. She is vile, and you'll never get anything useful from her, as she will just pour out whatever lies suit her at the time.

I can understand your wish for closure. But you know, closure doesn't come from someone else. Nothing either of them says to you will somehow make sense of what they did, or ease your hurt in any way, or give you a better understanding.

The simple truth is that they had an affair because they had the chance and they didn't have enough self respect, or care enough about their partners, to say No.

Writing to the OW won't give you any healing or closure. It may give her a bit of pleasure seeing how much she is still hurting you. It won't make her feel guilt or remorse, and she may well twist things to pretend you are persecuting her, which would cause you yet more pain.

I honestly think that writing it all down and burning it, or keeping the letter but never showing it to anyone, may well help you get it all out. But don't bother to send it to a woman who won't care in the least and may enjoy the drama.

Best wishes to you, OP. I hope 2023 brings you peace and happiness.