Affair Trauma - content warning: mentions suicide

[Mariemalone]

Hi all, long story short, I was with my (now ex) partner for 5 years, we were engaged & due to be married next year. Our engagement was a year ago, and a few months ago I found out he had been having an affair with my (now ex, married best friend)

Obviously I'm heartbroken, and I can't get my head around why, or how, but I am really struggling to deal with this. After I found out about the affair, I immediately kicked him out, and things took a turn for the worst. He attempted suicide by taking 2 overdoses, then the third and fourth time, he made attempts to hang himself. Each time he did this, I was there trying to support him (although I owed him nothing)

Things have settled down, I haven't heard from him for about 6 weeks, he was writing letters and trying to contact me in every way he could, full of regret and saying it was his mental health that made him cheat. I asked that he stopped contacting me for my own sanity, and I have had some counselling to help with the trauma.

As for the friend, I haven't heard from her since the day I found out. I don't want to, but I feel so angry all the time, I have dreams about her most nights, and I just don't know what to do about it. Everyone is saying silence is golden, and I don't want to cause a scene, but I feel like I'm going to explode. Her husband kicked her out, and she is living with her parents, I was very close to them, and they were my parents best friends. She has a young son, and my partner had a teenage son from a previous relationship, both of which I was really really close to.

I feel like I have lost so much, and I know I deserve so much better, but I just feel hopeless. I'm low in mood, I don't want to do much with friends, I cancel plans, and I'm full of dread. I have lost the 2 people who I loved so very much, and I feel like a total fool. I saw signs, I confronted both of them, she made me feel like I was insane by saying I had a low self esteem, and he made a joke if it and laughed it off. It was going on for 2 years, maybe more. In that time he proposed, we booked our wedding, she was my bridesmaid and her son was my page boy. I just don't understand how. They both said it was just sex, and they aren't together now (as far as I know) although they have been seen drinking on a beach together, probably wallowing in their own self pity. She has blamed it on her husband working too much.

I'm traumatised, mostly by the suicide, I had to cut shoelaces from his throat. He always went to a public busy place, so I have now (after councelling) have learned it was probably a cry for help, but at the time it didn't feel that way. Does anyone have any advice, or anything that could help me wade through this awful time. I have a supportive family and a small group of close friends who I can talk to, but I just feel like I'm sick of boring them with my problems, so I tend to not say anything and put a smile on my face.

Any help and advice will be greatly helpful, I might explode with anger or drown in a pool of tears (dramatic I know)

Thank you 😊 x

Title edited by MNHQ to add a content warning

if she gets bad mental health

People who fuck their "friends" long term partner behind their back while gas lighting them and advising they up their medication or get counselling when their suspicions/discomfort is expressed.... Don't tend to suffer from that type of MH problem. They are too psychopathic to

She'll survive and move in like a cockroach. Probably to some poor fucker who knows nothing about her marriage breakdown or his she acts in her female friendships (because anyone who knows would be unlikely to touch her for more than a shag).

He does have borserline personality disorder & recently told me he has been diagnosed with Bipolar. I feel sad that he is in such a state, and almost guilty that I'm not helping him get better, but

What a surprise.

You are the last person in the world whose responsibility it is to help him.

He can use professionals and his family.

Not the woman who he's treated beyond despicably for years and whose life he's blown apart.

As I said, it's all about him when it should be about you.

Take a (long) break from contact with him. You need to heal.

Thanks so much for all your replies. You really are kind for taking the time. I haven't had any contact with him for a good 8 weeks. He is blocked from everything, and I changed my email and my number. He did try and contact me a few days ago via a fake social media profile, it was to say he was sorry, full of regret etc. Its hard for me not to reply, especially because he said he has now been diagnosed with another mental health problem. I think I will write a letter and not send it. I have done this before, but not for a while, it may help. X

While there certainly may be MH problems/personality disorders there; it seems like he's using them to get you to engage with him, forgive him, validate him etc.

You really obviously and entirely naturally don't want contact with him, he knows it, couldn't be any clearer ... But instead of respecting that, he's still contacting you, reminding you of what he's done, of the whole situation, jnserting himself into your consciousness ..... It's utterly selfish as usual.

If he was truly taking on board any such diagnosis, would he not be trying to work through it himself, get help from qualified people, work things out and maybe apologise in a well thought out way months down the line. While giving you the break and peace you clearly want and deserve.

Instead it's more imposing on the person he's wronged and (to me) using these as excuses.

I mean, his behaviour - with what you've done to stop contact with him, is bordering on harassment.

There is still no respect, no consideration etc for you/other people. Still selfish and unstable.

His wants and needs still come first, not yours; even after being exposed in what he's done, even when you're trying to get away from him, and recover from their massive double betrayal, the loss of your relationship, the loss of your relationship with his son, your engagement, basically your future ripped out from under you .... He still can't even respect your wishes for NC.

Hi all, me again. Thanks so much for your kind words and support. I am wanting to write a letter to my ex best friend, but I'm struggling to even know where to begin!! I almost need a template or something to just start me off. I don't want to be nasty, and I don't want to get a reply even, I just want her to know the damage she caused me and how awful she has been. Can anyone help!?

@Mariemalone I don't think anyone can give you a template because only you know how much this has hurt you and the only advice I can give is write down what you feel. It doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense, I'm sure just writing it down would help get it all off your chest. Good luck and I wish you well.

My advice OP is just start writing. Put it away.
Take it out a week later.
Write it again.
Do it until you don’t want to do it any more.
She knows.
Let her drift in uncertainty and fear.

I'd journal instead. Get it all down. But don't send until you've really thought about it.

I personally don't advocate for giving APs ANY relevance whatsoever.

Absolutely grey rock her.

I'm sorry you're still in so much pain, it really does take time.

Please write it or tape it and never ever send it.

there was a poster on here called runningintherain or something who was dumped brutally by text.
She lied to your face and made you take more medication and to doubt yourself she is so abusive like a big nasty spider in a web - so stretch your wings and fly away and leave her in her web.

the best thing I can tell you is there is nothing wrong with you, nothing - this is a normal stress response to a huge huge trauma.

focus on you, counselling, medication, having people around you - I could cope but had my kids in my bed every night 7 and 1 and my dog and I did not sleep for months.

but you will get through this

this is nothing you did

if you write a letter, meet her or do anything you are back in the web with the spider so don’t do it.

fly little hummingbird fly - can you take a secondment from work and go abroad for a few months? Got a friend that can travel etc ?

It has been 4 months now, and I just feel like I just haven't had any closure. I need closure, I have to try and move on. I haven't spoken to her once since all this happened, but I have recently been told by an ex mutual friend that she is telling people she had a one night stand, and she is devastated.

My blood is boiling, she had a 2 year affair with her best friends fiance. I need to do something or I will end up doing something I regret. I feel a letter is the kindest thing I can do, I feel like smashing her face in!! Honestly, I have never ever hit anyone, im a total whimp, so realistically that'll never happen, I would probably just cry, but the anger inside me is unbearable :(

Rage is very common when struggling with PTSD after cheating. If you're not used to it it's utterly terrifying to feel those feelings that are so alien to you.

But please believe me when I say writing to her is unlikely to bring you closure. All it will do is validate her and give her relevance.

You do not want ANY contact with this nasty individual. Tell your truth to anyone you feel able to but don't validate her.

I'd really suggest going to surviving infidelity and reading stories there or even posting on their just found out forum. They can really help you navigate the roller coaster you've been sent on.

Thank.you, I will have a look on that forum. I just feel like she has got away with it all with no consequences.

She didn't want to be with her husband anyway, she is getting a ton of money out of the divorce, she is justifying everything she did and getting sympathy from people because she is lying. It's just terrible and I don't know where to direct my feelings. I have had counselling, and I am doing everything I can to stay calm, but I feel like a fool, she knows I'm weak and I feel like by not saying anything, is validating her thoughts. X

Will you expect a response from her? I don't think telling her how you feel will give you the closure you are looking for. You want her to feel bad, but she won't. Not really. She knows what she has done. She knows the hurt she has caused. She accepted that a long, long time ago. A letter from you won't have any impact on her.

I'd definitely be telling any mutual friends or friends of yours that she had a two year affair with your partner. You don't owe either of them any protection. Neither of them are good enough people to accept what they've done to you ( and teen son and ex BFs H and DC) take responsibility and genuinely apologise. There is nothing you can write or say that will change that. They aren't capable of giving you what you need. You won't ever get any real closure on this. I've sought that from stbxh (emotional abuse, not affair) for too long, wanting him to just acknowledge what he's done and the hurt he's caused, but he won't ever do that, it will always be my fault in his mind.

They both messed with your mind, made you doubt yourself, suggested you were mentally ill to think they were doing this and all that time they were doing this to you. If they were capable of being decent caring people they would have at the least stopped the affair when they could see it was harming you. They added harm on top of harm. They purposefully harmed you so they could go on having an affair. I think after his suicide attempts that you might feel you can't safely be angry at him so more focus on ex BF. Not that she doesn't deserve that, they both do.

When I was a teen a neighbours ex did this, threatening suicide after his wife left him because he cheated, even then I recognised it for what it was, disgusting behaviour. He doesn't care who he hurts or harms, the important thing to him is that he gets what he wants.

Honey, there is real strength in silence.

I know this sounds like a platitude but it's so true. Your silence speaks volumes.

The truth will out. If everyone hasn't yet got the measure if her believe you and me, they will and I speak from experience. Your wider circle will not be taking in for long.

I really wish I could tell you that healing from this level of trauma is quick but it isn't. You just have to feel the feels, wallow when you need to, get strong when you wake up brighter, get to counselling, journal, set up a list of things you've always wanted to do and start ticking them off.

Avoid any contact with this woman, it will not go you any favours in the long run and you may regret it.

Your story reminds me of one of the worst things I saw in ICU (not saddest or most gruesome but I will always remember it.) A man in his late 40’s brought in post hanging. His wife had kicked him out for cheating. He text his son a message saying goodbye with his location (just so you know- he could be found.) His son was mid teens, there was a daughter too. His wife and kids went to the scene and cut him down, imagine the trauma for them all. There was minimal neck trauma (so no drop of any extent) and no brain damage from lack of oxygen so felt not to have been hanging long, just enough to have passed out.

He was woken up, his kids were crying. His wife was silent. He started saying about how he ‘just didn’t want to be alone’ and he ‘loved everyone so much’ and his kids were distraught, saying they loved him and he’d never be alone again. The son turned to the mum and was begging her to let him come home. The poor woman looked like an animal caught in a trap, like she thought she’d escaped and then realised it was an illusion. I can’t explain the despair she had. I looked at him and just knew he’d done it deliberately with no intention of ending his life. He was an aggressive piece of shit too. She took him back, or at least when he left us that’s where he was going. I think of her sometimes and hope she got away.

Thats what he’s doing. Suicide in public place- nope. He just wants to blame his mental health as a convenient excuse for being a dick. Don’t support him or you run the risk of a moment of weakness ending up back with him. I really am sorry, and to loose your best friend too must be so hard. Let your other friends help you and allow yourself to grieve. I know it doesn’t help much but in the future you will be so glad you didn’t marry him.

This is just awful. Even though it probably was a cry for help, I still have a feeling in my gut that he may do it. I think that is why I have so much anger inside me, because I haven't once said a bad word to him or her. I'm too scared to incase I trigger the suicide attempts again. It's so painful, my feelings are once again being sacrificed for his. I hate that I'm so weak. 😒

Thank you, I will take your advice and continue to do what I am. I just hope these feelings will get less and less. Right now it feels like they are building more and more. X

I need your words of wisdom. I have read your replies a ton of times and that you. You have helped me tremendous amounts. Do I write her a letter, or don't I?

Write the letter. Get everything down . Then burn it. Closure is something you give yourself. She can not give it to you.

I found out last Christmas that my ex had been using Fabswingers.
I went crazy and ended it, but his constant threats to commit suicide and his constant suffocating lovebombing weakened and frightened me.
Spent this year with him sickened beyond measure, at him and myself.

But I ended it for good last week I'm so angry he manipulated me the way he did and I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Leave them to it, it's not your problem anymore.
Stay away from her, and him. I haven't told a soul what happened to me, the shame is poisoning me slowly.

I would write the letter, all of it, let it all out on paper or on a device, but don’t send it. Leave it for a week then come back to it and see if you still feel the same way, sometimes letting it all out by writing is cathartic and gets the worst of it out of you. You might decide to destroy it or edit it and/ or send it, but I can promise you that just the act of allowing yourself to let everything you’re thinking and feeling, no matter how awful you think it sounds, is a cleansing thing to do. It can be a part or start of closure. This woman isn’t worth your anger. Let it boil, get it out if your system and step back with dignified silence and let her life become the train wreck it undoubtedly will. These people can’t hide their true natures forever.
As far as the suicide worries are concerned, his mental health is his responsibility, not yours. The wise songwriter / poet Joni Mitchell wrote a line in one of her songs about a suicide, “she was just shaking off futility or punishing somebody.” This in a nutshell is what suicide most often boils down to. I think the threats are his attempt to punish you for daring to make this about you and your needs, not his. It’s a control mechanism. Hard to ignore this but you need to either ignore it or if you can’t, don’t engage with it but strongly suggest he gets professional help then step completely away. It is a further controlling technique where all else has failed. The strings on the puppets have been cut but the puppet master still wants them to dance to his tune. Enough. They have put you through enough. You are not weak, you are strong enough to go through all this and yet still worry about others. That’s an amazing quality you have, neither of these people deserve you, OP. Let the rage burn out then step out into the light, move forward, you have a life to live without their poison. X

I've been in your shoes OP

My BF actually did write me a timeline for the affair. It mainly matched my husbands. Her husband also filled in other bits.
I'm not sure if it helped or not.
I never understood the why. I don't think anyone with good morals can understand the level of selfishness an affair takes.

My relationship with her is gone.
I don't feel angry now, hate takes energy and life is too short.
I have nothing to do with her.
Her husband is a narcissistic arsehole and I can't even muster the energy to care about the fall out there.

Write the letters, get it all down, rant and rave on paper. then never send it.
I think I wrote every day for a while, then is was every other and once a week until I didn't need to write again.
I never sent a single one.

After discovery the affair was all I could think off for months and months.
The pain
The betrayal

I had a list of strategies to deal with intrusive thought pinned on my screens at home and work.

I actively worked on my mental health. I forced myself to stop obsessing. It wasn't going to change anything. What difference will it make to know if they did this or that? How is it going to help you?

I got help from other good friends.
I decided I was going to put myself first for a change.
I don't spend my days off doing housework or stuff for other people.
I do what I want a lot more.
I found hobbies that put me into contact with new people.

I didn't hide the truth from my family either. I told good friends.
If you loose people then they aren't your friends!