Affair Trauma - content warning: mentions suicide

[Mariemalone]

Hi all, long story short, I was with my (now ex) partner for 5 years, we were engaged & due to be married next year. Our engagement was a year ago, and a few months ago I found out he had been having an affair with my (now ex, married best friend)

Obviously I'm heartbroken, and I can't get my head around why, or how, but I am really struggling to deal with this. After I found out about the affair, I immediately kicked him out, and things took a turn for the worst. He attempted suicide by taking 2 overdoses, then the third and fourth time, he made attempts to hang himself. Each time he did this, I was there trying to support him (although I owed him nothing)

Things have settled down, I haven't heard from him for about 6 weeks, he was writing letters and trying to contact me in every way he could, full of regret and saying it was his mental health that made him cheat. I asked that he stopped contacting me for my own sanity, and I have had some counselling to help with the trauma.

As for the friend, I haven't heard from her since the day I found out. I don't want to, but I feel so angry all the time, I have dreams about her most nights, and I just don't know what to do about it. Everyone is saying silence is golden, and I don't want to cause a scene, but I feel like I'm going to explode. Her husband kicked her out, and she is living with her parents, I was very close to them, and they were my parents best friends. She has a young son, and my partner had a teenage son from a previous relationship, both of which I was really really close to.

I feel like I have lost so much, and I know I deserve so much better, but I just feel hopeless. I'm low in mood, I don't want to do much with friends, I cancel plans, and I'm full of dread. I have lost the 2 people who I loved so very much, and I feel like a total fool. I saw signs, I confronted both of them, she made me feel like I was insane by saying I had a low self esteem, and he made a joke if it and laughed it off. It was going on for 2 years, maybe more. In that time he proposed, we booked our wedding, she was my bridesmaid and her son was my page boy. I just don't understand how. They both said it was just sex, and they aren't together now (as far as I know) although they have been seen drinking on a beach together, probably wallowing in their own self pity. She has blamed it on her husband working too much.

I'm traumatised, mostly by the suicide, I had to cut shoelaces from his throat. He always went to a public busy place, so I have now (after councelling) have learned it was probably a cry for help, but at the time it didn't feel that way. Does anyone have any advice, or anything that could help me wade through this awful time. I have a supportive family and a small group of close friends who I can talk to, but I just feel like I'm sick of boring them with my problems, so I tend to not say anything and put a smile on my face.

Any help and advice will be greatly helpful, I might explode with anger or drown in a pool of tears (dramatic I know)

Thank you 😊 x

Title edited by MNHQ to add a content warning

He always went to a public busy place, so I have now (after councelling) have learned it was probably a cry for help

I'm agree with the two posters who said it was manipulative.

Someone who no truly wanted/intended to commit suicide would make sure they were found visible or found til afterward.

He is an extremely disordered and manipulative individual. Probably has a personality disorder.

Your ex friend is a stupid, nasty bitch.

I reckon they got great thrills out of sneaking around behind someone's back, out of deceiving them, out of doing it in "plain view". I'm sure they felt very clever, sneaky and superior. Quite a buzz.

That's why he went ahead with engagement etc. Because the buzz was the affair and the deception. The feeling clever and superior, the feeling of it being illicit.

Same to some extent for her. They used you and her ex as pawns/ in it.

Two pathetic, nasty individuals.

I'm glad she's lost her relationship.

I'm glad he has

The fkg gall of him involving you in helping him and supporting him after what he did to you for years.

He just wanted back control, after he was found out, his fantasy, "clever", illicit world became real shit, and he wasnt in control anymore.

*not visible or found til afterward.

He's a play actor, very high drama.

He enjoyed acting the smart arse, sneaky, "torn" between two women, cheater too.

I don't think poor MH makes men shag other women, our friends - it's entitlement and selfishness, and don't forget the affect on your mental health of all the gaslighting they did to you for years.

Exactly.

Poor MH doesn't make cheating inevitable. If that were the case about 80% if us would cheat, instead people self medicate, compulsively pursue hobbies, go on anti depressants, try counselling, solder on etc. etc.

It's no excuse. It's an insult as an excuse.

And, as the poster above said, look at what he's potentially done to your MH. He's a selfish, disordered individual.

Lack of integrity leads to cheating. Not poor MH.

Funny how for someone in such poor MH he was able to maintain a deception so well for so long. Hmm.

They are a pair of wankers.

It's as simple as that.

Unfortunately you aren't the first person whose "mate" had an affair with their partner, and you won't be the last.

Don't let them bring you down.

Be glad you found out.

He can grow up

She can fuck off and sort her life out now her partner has had the sense to hoof her out.

Neither of them should have an ounce of your time or consideration. They're scum.

Oh and I'll get flamed for saying it but one of the reasons he proceeded with your engagement etc. was because you are a decent woman, relationship & marriage material.... And a woman who fucks around behind her husband's back, even worse with whom she had a child with, even worse with her mate's man ...is not to most men.

She's good for a shag etc but he's not looking at her thinking he wants to wife her up and have her have his kids.

If they ever get into a relationship, it would be lack of other opportunities etc. He was not choosing her. He just likes a bit on the side, a bit of illicit while he pursues a serious relationship with a marriage material woman.

This is absolutely spot on, only written much better than I could have. Love the earthquake analogy, very poetic but true.

I’d say number one LOOK AFTER YOURSELF

My Ex was very low after I found out that he’d been cheating with several woman for years, including whilst I was pregnant, and he felt huge shame, shock and couldn’t handle it, and was mentally very unstable for a while. Like you, I was so shocked, he had a front of being an intelligent, kind, responsible man with good job, very respected. I was devastated, and for a while it rocked my world, how could I have been so fooled? He was texting women on the day our son was born, on the day he went into the special care unit, on special meals out for valentines… there I was thinking he was only thinking of us but he had several on the go. He told them he didn’t love me, or just made up that he didn’t have a baby and partner. I didn’t feel anger because of he was so low when I found out.

Now I realise he robbed me of my chance to be angry and I have been mentally stressed for years, repressing my own feelings. It is a massive thing to be betrayed like this OP - you are the one who needs support and time to figure out yourself. And at the moment you have been robbed of this because his own mental health needs have taken precedence. I would urge you to distance yourself. He will have some family / professionals who can support him. But who is going to support you? You have to process this. And mental health problems or not, he chose to betray you and at the time didn’t care at all how low that might make you feel, he lied to you. He made that choice and robbed you of the chance to make your choice.

So when you are ready, make a lot of time for yourself. Think about you. It’s 10 years on but I am still suffering I think in some way and need to get more support for myself, because I just powered through. Take your own needs seriously.

You're understandably feeling really low and rocked by this, I would sign up for IAPT therapy, its free through the NHS usually you can sign up online. I wonder if in time you might look back and see this as an abusive relationship...male perpetrators of domestic abuse often use suicide threats and attempts to try to regain control of a partner at the end of a relationship.

I have just read all of your responses & you are so right. I try to cope by telling myself he would never actually want to be with her, and I was the one he wanted deep down, but it makes me feel shit knowing that I was never enough for him. Even worse that he didn't make me feel like I wasn't enough at the time, if he had have said that I was doing something wrong, I would have tried to change. Even after all of this, in all the letters he has written to me, he said I couldn't have been a better partner to him, I was his best friend as well as being in love with me. But how? How can you love someone and do this. I just don't get it.

He does have borserline personality disorder & recently told me he has been diagnosed with Bipolar. I feel sad that he is in such a state, and almost guilty that I'm not helping him get better, but equally, having these mental health issues doesn't cause you to cheat! He knew right from wrong, and he had so many opportunities to tell me the truth.

She is sick, she must be sick. There were times when I thought I saw things between them, and when I confronted them, and then her separately, she told me I should up my medication, or seek some counselling because I had a low self esteem. She also told me I was just seeing things that weren't actually there, and if I kept having these thoughts I would end up losing her as my best friend and him as my fiance. He used to tell me how grim she was and he wouldn't ever jeopardise the relationship I had with his son for her, especially her. She swore on her babies life that nothing was going on, she said this to her husband and her mum!!

I'm sorry to go on, I just don't know where else to vent. I don't want to always talk about it to my friends. I'm very lucky to have a couple of really close girlfriends, and they are very supportive, but there is only so much they can say and I don't want to end up being "that friend" who they don't want to see because I'm miserable. I'm doing a good job putting a smile on and carrying on, but inside I'm feeling so many feelings.

He has enough mental health problems then to make anyone rethink marriage, never mind the fact he's cheating and lying for so long. You need to draw a line under him now. I know how hard it must be, you clearly love him a lot, but he really isn't suited to a relationship.

She is sick, she must be sick. There were times when I thought I saw things between them, and when I confronted them, and then her separately, she told me I should up my medication, or seek some counselling because I had a low self esteem. She also told me I was just seeing things that weren't actually there, and if I kept having these thoughts I would end up losing her as my best friend and him as my fiance.

Awful. Just absolutely awful. I honestly believe people who can lie to this extent and cause this much damage... their brains are not wired right.

It wasn’t the same situation, but when I had the kind of trauma that left me shaking when seeing someone/full of rage/night terror-ish one thing that really helped was starting to run regularly. I started with couch to 5k and just carried on. It helped me feel strong and capable and distracted, and there’s some research about closing the body’s stress response cycle that make it make sense.

could be worth a go.

Many years ago I was cheated on and ended a marriage despite his pleading.
Those who cheat do not value what they have or would never risk the loss. I had no children then , but knew trust had gone and having children would have made me vulnerable.I have never regretted my decision. He carried on his cheating ways.

I am so so sorry this happened to you I went through something similar years ago and like you my self esteem was on the ground I hadn't a clue what he was up to behind my back load of different women spending money that I had given him for bills on nights out we had bought a house got engaged and he made a complete fool out of me I found out ny chance and my world was upside down for ages I had to sell the house and lost thousands as he never paid his part of the mortgage I hate the sight of him I rarely seen him now but he has told all his family and friends lies and made himself look good they think I am not worth talking to now!!, roll on years later I met a wonderful man we have 4 beautiful boys 6 years married and I pinch myself everyday I am so happy... life will get better you are made for better things x

I do genuinely think that people who can have this kind of close-call affair have some sort of personality disorder. I went to marriage counselling with my ex and he said something which even shocked the therapist.

It's even harder when you are, as you clearly are OP, a empathetic and caring person, as it's just so alien to you to act in such a cold, selfish, horrible way. Which is why it's such a struggle to get your head around.

My ex and ex best friend fucked in our house, in front of our wedding pictures. When I confronted him with that fact, he said he just didn't think about it.

These people are not normal. They have a howling void where their souls are. You don't. Lean on your friends - as a person with a loving heart, I bet you have good ones. You'll get through this, I promise x

Really been struggling the last couple of days. I am missing my old life so much. I just don't know how to cope with what's happened. I feel like I can't say what I want to say to him because it'll probably set him off and he will be suicidal again which I can't deal with, but in turn I'm sacrificing my feelings to save his. As for her, I just want to scream in her face, but again, I'm worried that it'll make things worse and if she gets bad mental health, it could impact her sons life and I can't do that to him. Again, compromising my feelings. They have just got away with this so lightly, neither of them have had a bad word from me, I hate that I'm such a whimp 😭

Hugs.

My horrible situation above involved someone who was mentally ill and had made a suicide attempt. One of my biggest regrets, for them as well as for me, was not being totally honest about my feelings and how their behaviour impacted me.

It may be better to cut tires entirely, but if you decide you want to say your piece to him and in response to you telling him the truth he decides to end his life that is absolutely his business (I don’t think he will by the way. He’s already amply demonstrated that he values himself waaaay more than he values your opinions.)

I try to cope by telling myself he would never actually want to be with her, and I was the one he wanted deep down, but it makes me feel shit knowing that I was never enough for him

I do think you were relationship & marriage material to him, but that he is too disordered and selfish and low integrity etc. to turn down an opportunity for extra, illicit sex.

That would have happened with anyone he was with.

It is not that you were not enough for him, noone really would've been enough for him.

He wasn't able to act right, he wasn't able to turn down opportunities for sex and excitement .. for his loving relationship. He didn't have the sense or decency or integrity to do that That's his failure/flaw, nothing to do with you.

So often women who've been cheated on/are being cheated on sat that "why aren't I/wasn't I enough?". It's the wrong question. No-one would he enough. It's not about being enough. Some of the most beautiful (and nice) women in the world, famed for beauty, envied by other women etc.. have been cheated on; because of the character of their partners.

At the risk of being offensive
; It's not about you.

Even worse that he didn't make me feel like I wasn't enough at the time, if he had have said that I was doing something wrong, I would have tried to change

But he wouldn't have, because he had no problem with you .... He said it himself.

It wasn't your fault.

He is simply too pathetic and selfish and low integrity and disordered to turn down sexual opportunities when offered, even when he's in a good relationship with someone he "loves".

"Loves" because love is a very subjective term with someone like him.

There were times when I thought I saw things between them, and when I confronted them, and then her separately, she told me I should up my medication, or seek some counselling because I had a low self esteem.

She is fucking evil.

Evil c*nt.

This reminds me of a OW I heard of (know of her through two other people) comforting and acting Mum to her affair partner's two daughters after their Mum killed herself, partly because of their affair. The daughters were very young and didn't know anything about the affair or that it was suicide.

When you see cases of OW killing or trying to kill their affair partner's wife,nothing surprises you. We had a case like that in my region; she took her "friend" (affair partner's wife) for a walk in the forest, a habit she'd established with her, and tried to kill her.
The h in that case, I think, had no idea of her plan; he was just the usual dick led, dumb, low integrity bastard.

Anyway, she's getting a little bit of comeback for her actions; h knows and left her, people around her probably know why he's left her, she's now a single Mum, her affair partner has not jumped into a relationship with her, in spite of being made single himself..... Men who know why and how her marriage broke down will be unlikely to see her as relationship material, she has lost a decent friend, any other women who know what happened will not trust her around their partners so she'll find it v hard to have a social life with women, couples etc.

Your ex is unstable and disordered .... That caused him to act the way he did in your relationship and that has caused how is acting now that you've been forced by his behaviour to end it ..... Would a stable, well adjusted, self respecting, stoical, responsible person be acting like this .... Or would they be thinking "I fucked up, I did wrong, I've been caught out, I've got to make the best of the situation, hold it together, I have no right to lean on and harass etc the woman I did this too".

Instead he's a mess. An unstable, immature, attention seeking, fake suicidal, self pitying mess.

I'd be interested to know how the relationship with the mother of his child broke down.

Also. .. this kind of behaviour when you have a child. Fucking up your stable LTR, with marriage planned, a lady you've introduced your child to, who you've made a fixture in his life ..... Acting the way he is know which may affect or at the very least get back to his child.
What a parent.
He is one hot fkg mess.

You don't appear to have any kids with him; thank.your lucky stars.

It's a cliché bit you're too good for him, be glad you found that out before you were tied to him and esp.befire you had a child by him.

I feel like I can't say what I want to say to him because it'll probably set him off and he will be suicidal again which I can't deal with, but in turn I'm sacrificing my feelings to save his.

Maybe you could write it down.

Or record it on a video on your phone.

You could send them to him in future (though I think you'll find in future that there's no point and you'll get to where you don't care enough).

It's probably best you don't have contact with him.

Could any practical/financial arrangements be done via an intermediary... Trusted family member etc.

He has acted so so badly towards you that he really doesnt deserve any contact with you, and for your mh you probably shouldn't be subjected to him for a while.

He's still making it all.about him, even though you are their victim.

It reminds me a little bit of something I heard about CSA perpetrators.... They can wax lyrical to counsellors and police and legal people about the effects of being caught on their lives, their MH etc. But when asked what they think the effect of their actions has been on their victims, they look blank and have v little to say.

It's all about him.

Well, fuck him.
You, of anyone in the world, shouldn't be subjected to his high drama, self pitying, selfish dross.
Ask him to change the record to talk about what he thinks the effect on you of his behaviour has been. What it will be ongoing for years.

Or better still, just stop interacting with him.

He is not your problem.

You are the victim in this situation, not him. Ever.

As for her, I just want to scream in her face, but again, I'm worried that it'll make things worse and if she gets bad mental health, it could impact her sons life and I can't do that to him.

She's not worth the breath.