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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Perspective on new boyfriend and his behaviour towards me

99 replies

Adviceplease35 · 01/11/2022 14:57

I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for 5 months now. All was going so well, he was fun, caring, kind and I felt he was very much into me.
about a month ago we got into a discussion about when we first started dating. When we met I was very open about dating other people, not looking for anything serious etc, as time went on this changed and for the past 5 months we have been exclusively dating one another. Anyway he said he understood that I had been dating someone else for a few weeks but he then asked specifics dates/ what we did etc. in all honesty I only had 1 date with this other guy that overlapped with my current boyfriend before telling him I wasn’t interested. He is annoyed that I didn’t tell him the specific dates I went on at the time (one date).
this conversation has changed the whole dynamic of our relationship. He said I’ve disrespected him and his guard is now up and he doesn’t know if it will go back to how it was.
Initially I was very upset, I didn’t want anything to change with us but we time as went I’m getting a bit fed up with how things are. The affection he showed me is more or less gone, he doesn’t ring me anymore, he makes plans with other people over me. This is never how he was. While I understand he is upset and I’ve brought this up to him again, he’s told me to ‘act normal’ and everything will be ok. I don’t feel ok? In fact I feel unhappy. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Adviceplease35 · 01/11/2022 14:59

I also don’t feel like I needed to tell him when we first met the specifics of the other people I was with. I was open and said I’m dating other people. It was one date with one other guy and I had only been on the first date with mr boyfriend

OP posts:
DesMoulinsRouge · 01/11/2022 15:00

Throw him back op, you can do better

user1498572889 · 01/11/2022 15:02

Red flag. Tell him you are not happy with this and then end it. Life is too short for that crap.

Shylo · 01/11/2022 15:03

Honestly, cut your losses and move on. His behaviour has shifted very quickly and things shouldn’t be this he’d 5 months in …. You’ve done nothing wrong and he’s treating you appallingly. You deserve better, say goodbye

Shylo · 01/11/2022 15:03

This hard FGS, terrible typing!

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 01/11/2022 15:04

You understand he is upset? He's got fuck all to be upset about! Get rid OP, this will only get worse

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 01/11/2022 15:04

He's a twat and it'll only get worse. Ditch him.

Original poster
Adviceplease35 · 01/11/2022 15:05

Thanks for this. Feels a really shame as I was really into him. I wasn’t even looking a serious relationship and was actively trying to ‘date around’ when he came along and it was so good. I get why he is annoyed at me being with another man but to be honest this ‘other’ man pre dated me matching with my boyfriend and we only had the 1 date. Feel like his change in behaviour is to punish me and when I bring it up he says it’s putting it back in his head and driving a wedge between us. I feel like not talking about it is making our relationship worse rather than better

OP posts:
Name99 · 01/11/2022 15:12

This is abusive behavior in particular stonewalling.
He is telling you to act normal ie accept it and it will all be fine

If this is how he is after 5 months imagine how much worse it will get, because it will.
Get rid of him OP it won't end well

TomTraubertsBlues · 01/11/2022 15:14

You're spot on that he's punishing you. It's abusive, a form of control

Cut your losses and throw him back. And be thankful that he showed his true colours at a relatively early stage, making it easier to dump him!

TomTraubertsBlues · 01/11/2022 15:16

He said I’ve disrespected him and his guard is now up

This is actually just chilling. Men who react to perceived disrespect like this can be dangerous.

IsThePopeCatholic · 01/11/2022 15:18

Danger signs by the bucket load. He’ll only get worse. You’ve done nothing wrong.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/11/2022 15:29

Red flags a plenty here and yes he is doing this to punish you for some transgression you've made in his head. If this is what he is like after 5 months, then another 18 months of him will have your self worth and esteem truly in the bin. He will continue to bash you emotionally about the head with this too.

This relationship with him needs to end now.

Motherofalittledragon · 01/11/2022 15:30

Lots of red flags flying there, ditch him and ditch him fast!

oobeedoobee · 01/11/2022 15:31

I get why he is annoyed at me being with another man

Well I bloody don't !??

You told him at the time that you were 'dating other people', so what the actual fuck is he 'annoyed' about exactly ??

He's only annoyed because you refused to give him details like dates ffs !
And that's none of his bloody business !! He's simply pissed off that you didn't give him the actual dates so that he could somehow use that info against you !

He's a prize prick I'm afraid ! Dump him asap, because at 5 months in, he's actively looking/digging for shit to use against you !! Next thing will be that ''things aren't the same'' simply because you didn't 'cave' in to him (but he'll call it 'respecting' him !), and aren't 'sorry' enough about 'upsetting' him ffs ! (So he'll say he 'can't trust you' !)

Original poster
Adviceplease35 · 01/11/2022 15:37

Thanks. This is how I feel that it’s a bit OTT. He says it feels like I cheated on him and that he can’t trust me now, he said he “knows I haven’t cheated but that how it feels in his head”. After the convo I thought fair enough I’ve upset him and tried to be super nice for next week or so but I can’t really keep it up anymore when I’m getting nothing back?

OP posts:
Toomanysleepycats · 01/11/2022 15:42

It feels as if he wants to redraw the power in the relationship and wants to have the upper hand. So he’s found something to find fault with and is making you the guilty party who needs to placate him.

It almost as if he was looking for something to justify his subsequent behaviour to you. Ie making plans with others over you.

Who actually brought up the initial conversation that led to this? In hindsight can you see any manipulation that led to the outcome you described where he could be “offended” by the OM. Let’s hope he doesn’t think he can justify seeing another woman because “you did it to him first”.

I think there are some game playing men who do this. Start off treating the woman really nicely, then when he thinks he’s got her hooked, he then pushes the boundaries and starts treating her like shit.

Original poster
Adviceplease35 · 01/11/2022 15:46

I think it was me that brought it up. Can’t exactly remember but it came off the back of a normal conversation and then ended up in a row where he left. He said it’s not that I did it it’s that I didn’t tell him. When I said I didn’t think I should have told him because I thought saying I was dating other people was enough detail to share he said when we got serious/ got exclusive that’s when I should have told him the details so that he knew

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 01/11/2022 15:47

Oh gosh. Massive red flag. Abuser alert.

Run for the hills girl. Even if you had they date, he would have found something else you jad supposedly did wrong to hold over your head.

Thats what abusers do. They make out you are responsible for their poor treatment of you. You know what comes next? (Or somewhere down the line) He cheats and then tells you you have no right to be mad because you cheated first (even though you didn't).

He is beginning to twist your head and intends to drive you nuts and make you feel like you have no right to be upset by his behaviour because its somehow qll your fault.

This one is dangerous. Throw him back. And bolt the bloody door after. Guarantee he will tell you you 'misunderstood' him or are 'over reacting' when you dump him too.

Pinkbonbon · 01/11/2022 15:48

*had not had the date

beastlyslumber · 01/11/2022 15:50

That's a massive red flag he's waving at you! Throw him right back.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2022 15:53

Fuck that guy. His mask has slipped and he's showing you who he really is. Dump him and don't give it a second thought. Be thankful he didn't waste more of your time.

Pinkbonbon · 01/11/2022 15:55

Basically don't get stuck on the merry go round of 'if I could just explain myself I the right way...he'd he'd back to the way things were'

You don't need to explain because you did nothing wrong. He.gets.it. He KNOWS you did nothing wrong. He just wants you to think you've wronged him so that he can treat you like shit and you'll blame yourself.

That how abuse often begins.

They headfuck tou into thinking 'if only I could make him understand' or 'maybe I did wrong him. If only I can make him see I am good/loyal/kind'
It's a trap love!

You had every right to date other people and you told him you were dating other people. So fuck him off because he has no right to hold a date over over head. Hes a fucking creepy controlling bastard.

Jibo · 01/11/2022 15:55

Dump him. He's testing how easily you can be controlled and manipulated.

anotheropinion · 01/11/2022 15:56

Sounds like he's looking for an argument for some reason? Or trying to break up without having the balls to do so himself.

Saying you've "disrespected him" is definitely a red flag though.