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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Perspective on new boyfriend and his behaviour towards me

99 replies

Adviceplease35 · 01/11/2022 14:57

I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for 5 months now. All was going so well, he was fun, caring, kind and I felt he was very much into me.
about a month ago we got into a discussion about when we first started dating. When we met I was very open about dating other people, not looking for anything serious etc, as time went on this changed and for the past 5 months we have been exclusively dating one another. Anyway he said he understood that I had been dating someone else for a few weeks but he then asked specifics dates/ what we did etc. in all honesty I only had 1 date with this other guy that overlapped with my current boyfriend before telling him I wasn’t interested. He is annoyed that I didn’t tell him the specific dates I went on at the time (one date).
this conversation has changed the whole dynamic of our relationship. He said I’ve disrespected him and his guard is now up and he doesn’t know if it will go back to how it was.
Initially I was very upset, I didn’t want anything to change with us but we time as went I’m getting a bit fed up with how things are. The affection he showed me is more or less gone, he doesn’t ring me anymore, he makes plans with other people over me. This is never how he was. While I understand he is upset and I’ve brought this up to him again, he’s told me to ‘act normal’ and everything will be ok. I don’t feel ok? In fact I feel unhappy. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

ProFannyTea · 01/11/2022 17:01

The important and most critical detail right now is that you know you don't feel ok. You might not understand that or be able to explain it but something in you knows that you don't feel ok - that's your instinct trying to tell you something, please don't ignore it. That not ok feeling is a warning sign that something is not right for you about this relationship. Please listen to that warning. You don't feel ok because In your heart you know it's not ok. Don't be the person who comes back here with much worse problems because you didn't listen to that inner voice telling you that you don't feel ok about this x

Marineboy67 · 01/11/2022 17:03

Personally having read all this through I think by pursuing this relationship you'll be making a rod for your own back. Sadly a rod that he can beat you with from time to time. He sounds quite cruel to have kept his sulk going for weeks on end. You made it perfectly clear you were still dating other people when you met him. He should think himself lucky that you've chosen to continue seeing him rather than the other guy. That's the whole point he's missing. Move on and don't look back.

Ocampa · 01/11/2022 17:03

Everyone is nice in the first few months. He thought he had you so now he's showing the real him. You should want to back away from him.

L0bstersLass · 01/11/2022 17:09

Adviceplease35 · 01/11/2022 16:04

Thanks for all your replies. Glad to see I’m on the same page as you all. I’ve been thinking to myself all day “what am I getting out of this relationship” and to be honest it’s just a headache at the minute. I’ve had a 10 year marriage that ended awfully so I am now only looking for things that make me happy and this isn’t one of them so I probably will cut him loose. I will try and have another conversation with him again possibly and tell him I’m not happy and I know he’s upset but I don’t think it warrants 5 weeks of this behaviour. If he bucks up his ideas well and good or else I will be gone

I think you're a fool if you give him another chance.
He knows you're not happy and he's doing nothing to try to fix that.
Relationships aren't supposed to be this much hard work, especially only 5 months in.
And you know that if he bucks his ideas up it will only be for a short period of time.
He's shown you his true colours. He's a fan of mind games.
I suggest you show him the door with no further opportunity given.

DuoLingoMakesMeBingo · 01/11/2022 17:12

He’s being ridiculous.

If he knows you didn’t cheat, why has his behaviour changed? He looks like he’s trying to make an argument, I don’t know why.

EndlessMagpies · 01/11/2022 17:13

He says it feels like I cheated on him and that he can't trust me now, he said he "knows I haven't cheated but that how it feels in his head"

^ This is the real crux of the matter.

There is nothing you can do or say that will change 'how it feels in his head' so there is absolutely no point in trying. It is in his nature. If he knows you didn't cheat, and even he can't stop how it feels in his head, you aren't going to be able to change his way of thinking either.

greenhousegal · 01/11/2022 17:13

Hard as it may be for you, please don't over analyse or delay or give him time. Go with your gut and nip in the bud NOW. There will never be a better time.

category12 · 01/11/2022 17:14

Adviceplease35 · 01/11/2022 16:34

It’s funny because he does actually want to still see me a few times a week but the vibe has definitely changed and it’s not the relationship I thought I had. I tried to explain that to him that the reason I was with him was because of how good we were and how great our relationship felt but that that has changed and how he is treating me has changed and he said well what can we do. I said we can either try to get back on track or break up. He seemed to really worry then that I was going to end it so it doesn’t seem to me that he wants to end it with me

He doesn't want to break up with you, he wants to break you down.

Blokes like this are always lovely to begin with, then they drop the mask and start chipping away at you. They generally act nicey nicey again to keep you from dropping them, or tell you that they don't want the relationship to end (but it's your fault things are going wrong), but return to nasty/offish.

The lovely bit at the beginning was the bait - the hope of getting that back is what keeps you hooked. But all it was, was BAIT.

Not the reality of him, not the reality of a relationship with him.

It's dead easy to be lovely for a while. A few months down the line, he's making you miserable and confused. That's not your fault, it's deliberate on his part. He's training you.

ToFindNewWays · 01/11/2022 17:24

End it OP, it will only get worse. What difference does it make if HE wants to keep seeing you or not, when he’s treating you like crap, being controlling and punitive, and pressurising you to accept it (‘act normal’)?

Buteverythingsfine · 01/11/2022 17:28

Why do you want to give him a second chance? For a whole month of being off, in a 5 month relationship? Dating multiple people is completely normal these days, with online dating, and I wouldn't call going on two separate dates around the same time as 'overlapping', you weren't lying or cheating at all, just dating like a normal person.

Why would you queue up to get punished for stuff you haven't done!?

ItsaMetalBand · 01/11/2022 17:28

Adviceplease35 · 01/11/2022 16:34

The vibe has changed because he's dropping the Devoted Boyfriend Act.

He's treated you shabbily for the last 5 weeks over something that's in his head and you are still there. A woman with better boundaries would have dumped him at least 4 weeks ago, if not immediately. So he's got you on the hook now and he knows it.

He's dropped the affection but not the sex, right? And you are ok with that. You are showing him that his poor treatment of you for the last 5 weeks is fine with you - and it's a clear indication that you will accept more of this treatment in the future.

So why should he continue to make an effort to fake being loving and kind and perfect, when clearly you're happy enough to take his substandard treatment of you?

All of us who had a controlling, jealous or abusive partner see exactly where you are. We've been there. We remember our moment where we ignored the red flags and minimised the mask dropping, and chose to stay because he he said he was scared of losing us/ stressed at work/ loved us too much or whatever they feed women with these days.

Don't be us.

NotLactoseFree · 01/11/2022 17:31

After your first post, I was thinking, "red flag. He's going to use this as an excuse as to why he can't trust her so that he starts getting her ready to twist herself into pretzels to "show" he Can trust her.

And then you said, He says it feels like I cheated on him and that he can't trust me now, he said he "knows I haven't cheated but that how it feels in his head

It's so predictable. He's setting you up to always feel uncomfortable so that he can dictate where and when you go out, who you see etc all on the basis that, "it's not my fault that I'm so insecure - you were dating another guy when we met and you kept it secret."

Call his bluff. If he doesn't trust you, fine, then he shouldn't be with you. Then walk away. Too much drama for this early on in a relationship.

BlingLoving · 01/11/2022 17:33

He's treated you shabbily for the last 5 weeks over something that's in his head and you are still there.

THIS. It would be bad enough if you'd done something wrong. But you haven't. And now your'e the one who is supposed to prove how trustworthy you are?

hahahahahahahahaha. RUN. Run like the WIND.

Ofcourseshecan · 01/11/2022 17:38

category12 · 01/11/2022 17:14

He doesn't want to break up with you, he wants to break you down.

The lovely bit at the beginning was the bait - the hope of getting that back is what keeps you hooked. But all it was, was BAIT.

Not the reality of him, not the reality of a relationship with him.

It's dead easy to be lovely for a while. A few months down the line, he's making you miserable and confused. That's not your fault, it's deliberate on his part. He's training you.

Show quote history

He doesn't want to break up with you, he wants to break you down.

100% right.

He's a nightmare, OP. You'll never recapture the happiness you had when he was lovebombing you, reeling you in like a fish on a hook. You've already found yourself giving him more chances when he's been abusing you for weeks.

You said If he bucks up his ideas well and good or else I will be gone.

No, no, no! He may well put on the good-guy act again for a few weeks to get you back on that hook. Then he'll find another excuse to be sh*tty to you and you'll try to please him and so on and so on. Please leave before he breaks you down.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 01/11/2022 17:43

Pinkbonbon · 01/11/2022 15:55

Basically don't get stuck on the merry go round of 'if I could just explain myself I the right way...he'd he'd back to the way things were'

You don't need to explain because you did nothing wrong. He.gets.it. He KNOWS you did nothing wrong. He just wants you to think you've wronged him so that he can treat you like shit and you'll blame yourself.

That how abuse often begins.

They headfuck tou into thinking 'if only I could make him understand' or 'maybe I did wrong him. If only I can make him see I am good/loyal/kind'
It's a trap love!

You had every right to date other people and you told him you were dating other people. So fuck him off because he has no right to hold a date over over head. Hes a fucking creepy controlling bastard.

This with bells on. You have done nothing wrong, yet you are already questioning yourself. He is messing with your head, he is not a nice guy.

CamillasToe · 01/11/2022 17:43

Please please get rid of this guy.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. It's not going to improve. Give yourself the gift of respecting yourself for not putting up with this manipulative shit.

DPotter · 01/11/2022 17:46

So out of a 5 month relationship, he's been stonewalling you for 5 weeks ?

He thinks you cheated on him as you had a date with another person when you'd told him you were seeing other people ?

I think you're wasting your time to have any further discussions with him - simply call him and tell him it's not working out and wish him well for the future. Goodbye and no discussions.

HoobleDooble · 01/11/2022 17:49

Sounds like he's laying down those eggshells for you to be treading on in the future. Set him free.

bonzaitree · 01/11/2022 17:49

He is absolutely pathetic.

Throw him back. Ridiculous.

beastlyslumber · 01/11/2022 17:51

Of course he doesn't want to end the relationship. He wants to control the relationship. He wants to be able to treat you like shit and have you running around after him trying to make him happy.

It's not going to get any better OP. Just ditch him.

ChaToilLeam · 01/11/2022 17:54

Just be done with him. He’s acting like you are his property. That’s an enormous red flag. He’s not even hiding what an arse he is.

ehb102 · 01/11/2022 17:56

I need a like button for all those posts saying RED FLAG.

Please run.

bonzaitree · 01/11/2022 18:01

You're lucky this has come out now and you can make your escape.

A simple call should do the trick. It's not working out for me, wish you all the best. Then block and get on with your life.

Middledazedted · 01/11/2022 18:01

This man couldn’t even sustain a pretence at being a decent partner for a short time. This isn’t a partner it’s a controlling fuckwit. Why would you even give him the chance to say he doesn’t want to break up? Why would you want to stay? In the nicest way possible you are not ready or safe to date yet. This isn’t a good man.

Rockschooldropout · 01/11/2022 18:07

Get out now while it’s still only five months in - there’s a whole line of red flags waving furiously at you .
He wants to control you and get on the back foot. Of course he doesn’t want to break up , he may well be “on his best behaviour” for a a little while as he realises this particular attempt at control didn’t work .. but then there will be something else that’s upset him .. and the cycle will start again . Put him in the bin

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