Perspective on new boyfriend and his behaviour towards me

[Adviceplease35]

I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for 5 months now. All was going so well, he was fun, caring, kind and I felt he was very much into me.
about a month ago we got into a discussion about when we first started dating. When we met I was very open about dating other people, not looking for anything serious etc, as time went on this changed and for the past 5 months we have been exclusively dating one another. Anyway he said he understood that I had been dating someone else for a few weeks but he then asked specifics dates/ what we did etc. in all honesty I only had 1 date with this other guy that overlapped with my current boyfriend before telling him I wasn’t interested. He is annoyed that I didn’t tell him the specific dates I went on at the time (one date).
this conversation has changed the whole dynamic of our relationship. He said I’ve disrespected him and his guard is now up and he doesn’t know if it will go back to how it was.
Initially I was very upset, I didn’t want anything to change with us but we time as went I’m getting a bit fed up with how things are. The affection he showed me is more or less gone, he doesn’t ring me anymore, he makes plans with other people over me. This is never how he was. While I understand he is upset and I’ve brought this up to him again, he’s told me to ‘act normal’ and everything will be ok. I don’t feel ok? In fact I feel unhappy. I don’t know what to do.

He's showing you his true colours - listen to him.

They are all right. I have been in a very similar situation to this and I remember the horrible uncomfortable feeling around how massively he’d changed around me and how desperate I was to make it up to him so he’d go back to how lovely he’d been before. (Incidentally, I hadn’t done anything wrong either - it was a bullshit reason like the ones your DP is giving you). I should have dumped him but instead I didn’t and he absolutely destroyed me. Within a couple of months I was a shell of my former self, was constantly walking on eggshells and was so incredibly jumpy and anxious that I couldn’t ever calm down.

Shortly before it finally ended, I remember leaving my mobile phone upstairs on charge and watching something on tv with my mum. I went upstairs half an hour later to get my phone and saw that I had a voicemail from him. I immediately started panicking because I knew that he’d be furious that I hadn’t picked up straight away and he’d start accusing me of being with another man. However, I listened to the voicemail (which he’d only left 15 minutes before) and he sounded his old self - all “hi babe, give me a call back when you get this, love you” so I called him back. He answered the phone and tore strips off me. He was out with a friend. How DARE I bother him on the phone when he was out with someone? How could I be so controlling? Did I not know it was rude to interrupt someone’s evening? And so on and so on. I was literally calling him back 15 minutes after he left a message ASKING ME TO DO THAT. There is no winning with abusers. They bait the traps and they set them off. Your partner will continue to do exactly that and it will escalate even further. Honestly.

The first four months weren't real. He had his Good Boyfriend mask on. No matter what you do, however much you try to appease him you'll never get back to how it was because it wasn't real. What's happening is real and how the relationship will be from now on. He's comfortable with it like this, for whatever reason, and took the first opportunity to get the relationship dynamic where he felt right - ie toxic and controlling. Get out of this, it's not a relationship, it's one damaged person trying to control another.

sounds like he is making an excuse to break up with you OR making an excuse to find you'untrustworthy' for the rest of your relationship and be super controlling.
Either way just finish it

Someone who sulks and punishes when he doesn't get the answer he wants?

Red flag!

Move on. He's not the one for you.

Definitely dump. It will only get worse.

I know he’s upset but
Nope. No buts. He has manufactured this crisis to see if he can get you on the back foot.

it doesn’t seem to me that he wants to end it with me
Are you not reading any of the many posts telling you this is how abusers start? Of course he doesn't want to end it with you, what he wants is for you to beg him not to end it, and be prepared to put up with his bullshit 'tests of loyalty'.

After the convo I thought fair enough I’ve upset him and tried to be super nice for next week
That's the game. That's what you'll be signing up for if you stay.

Do not give him another chance OP. Make sure you are safe. Does he have a key? - change the locks. or any of his possessions there? Pack the latter up. Do not listen to sob stories about how he's been betrayed before and can't trust anyone. Take him back and give him a second chance and you'll have the same thing all over again if not worse.

When you say you're out of the relationship, can you have someone stay? Or go to your mum's?

Thank you everyone. I am taking all your advice. I will end it. I’m not worried for my safety at this point, he doesn’t have a key and I own my own house here. I just want a happy loving relationship and I can see this isn’t it.

This happened to me. And I carried on. I have a thread going at the moment about how to stay away from him now. He was abusive. One of the first red flags was how he struggled with the fact that I had been openly dating when we met. He made my life miserable over it. No judgement here, but if I had acted on that red flag I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now. It seems there's a pattern to these types of behaviours. Protect yourself from this. If it doesn't feel right it's because it probably isn't. Sending you lots of support

@Adviceplease35 This!

Well done. It can't be easy but hopefully you know it's the right thing to do.
You're right, this is not a happy, loving relationship. This is mind games with a controlling twat.
Wishing you well for the future.

OP I know you said you’d end it but I’ve read all your replies and I’m worried about you. You sound quite innocent, and let me tell you what will happen next.
you will try to end it.
your boyfriend will throw a bastard of a sob story at you to explain his behaviour. You will feel bad for him and give him another chance. And another. And your boundaries, which are not very strong atm, will keep getting weaker.
I really hope I’m wrong. But don’t expect him to just let you leave him.

I was dating other people when I started seeing my now husband. We've been married 30 years and he's never mentioned it. The man you were seeing sounds awful. I would have dumped him as soon as he started this sort of thing.

He doesn't want you to leave because now he'll have to invest months being nice to another woman before he reveals his true self. Then there is the risk she'll just walk out right away once he starts this sort of thing. Talking to him is pointless because this is who he is.

I promise I am a strong woman. I’ve had a few short term things since my marriage ended and have had no problem walking away when I realised it wasn’t a good fit, just feel a bit sad that this one hasn’t worked out as it’s the first I’ve seen potential in and was hopeful about. I’m happy on my own and would rather be on my own or even casually dating again than in a relationship like this. I wanted some perspective on whether he was over reacting or not as I thought he was but he genuinely seemed upset by what I supposedly done to him that I lost sight of whether it was that bad or not. I will end things

Run OP.

He's taking you going on a single date with a man before you were exclusive as 'untrustworthy' 'cheating' and withholding affection and blowing everything back on you.

Over one date!

He will become more and more abusive. Punish you for everything. He will be jealous and controlling.

Run away.

All of us who had a controlling, jealous or abusive partner see exactly where you are. We've been there. We remember our moment where we ignored the red flags and minimised the mask dropping, and chose to stay because he he said he was scared of losing us/ stressed at work/ loved us too much or whatever they feed women with these days.

Don't be us.

This. Absolutely this.

I bet he tries to prevent you ending things. He wants you to be immensely grateful he is still around despite your 'indescretion'..

He's "punishing you" and trust me, it won't stop. How he is now is how he will continue to be if you carry on this relationship.

I'd cut your losses with this one OP. If he's going to resent you for stuff as small as that what else is he going to resent you for in future?

There is zero reason for him to be upset. It wasn't cheating. He seems to wants to control you or abuse you to keep you under his thumb.

Just give this up, it wont get better and there is nothing you can say or do to make this right. He doesn't actually want you to either.

Delighted to hear you are ending things. Be prepared for promises, begging and love bombing though.

I see it posted on here often,"women aren't a rehab centre for damaged men" and bear this in mind if he is making the break up difficult. If he does need help, it not your job to fix him.

Run, don't walk. Don't look back.

5 weeks??... of this tantrum??
Wouldn't get 5 minutes of my time..
You answer to no-one...
Don't waste any time dumping this brat... move on.. life is short.

Move on. X