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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Get over someone you can't have

96 replies

kaymc3 · 31/10/2022 18:11

How do you get over someone you can't have?? Recently I have developed really big feelings for a guy I know. We speak often but just about music, tv shows etc. He is married so would never dream of crossing the line/telling him how I feel.
But how do I get over this insane crush?? Almost an obsession. I think about him all the time and am getting really down about the fact I feel this way but can't have him.
Any tips? I feel constantly heartbroken xx

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 31/10/2022 18:13

You grow up, and recognise that this isn't what your life is about. Then you work out what your life is about, and you focus on it until you've left these feelings behind.

Dogsogdog · 31/10/2022 18:24

Grow up

Catlover1970 · 31/10/2022 18:26

kaymc3 · 31/10/2022 18:11

How do you get over someone you can't have?? Recently I have developed really big feelings for a guy I know. We speak often but just about music, tv shows etc. He is married so would never dream of crossing the line/telling him how I feel.
But how do I get over this insane crush?? Almost an obsession. I think about him all the time and am getting really down about the fact I feel this way but can't have him.
Any tips? I feel constantly heartbroken xx

Get a grip and move on?

PermanentTemporary · 31/10/2022 18:27

Accept this is how you feel and that you don't have to act on feelings.

Think about him as much as you like but always think of him with his wife, doing things with her etc.

Keep busy. X

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 31/10/2022 18:32

You're a nasty bunch on here aren't you?!

OP you cannot help who you find attractive or have a crush on. I've had a crush on a MM before...nearly a year and it only faded when i no longer saw him (i left the group of the activity we both attended). Had I not left, im sure the feelings would have driven me crazy. Its awful. Painful and difficult. The only way is to stay away from him. Don't see him. Dont talk, dont engage, nothing. With zero contact i promise you the feelings start to fade away. X

TheRossatron · 31/10/2022 18:33

"Grow up" has to be the most useless, smug advice that is EVER given 🙄

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 31/10/2022 18:34

OP, I've been in/sort of still an in this situation, and people on here will be nothing but cunts about it for some reason 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's normal, it's hard, but I think you just need to wait it out, eventually it'll pass if you give yourself enough stern talkings to!

Pinkbonbon · 31/10/2022 18:35

Hate to be it but you gotta remove him from your life. You can't get over someone you're continuing to have contact with.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2022 18:36

Avoid him.

If you can't do that, try to focus on anything gross. Does he sniff a lot, slurp his tea, scratch himself, say 'myself' instead of 'me'? Anything crap to think about.

hattie43 · 31/10/2022 18:40

Dogsogdog · 31/10/2022 18:24

Grow up

How is that remotely helpful

thesefeelingsuck · 31/10/2022 18:40

Hi OP,
I've posted something similar and it's a really crappy feeling. SOME people on MN can be cruel. You cannot help the way you feel about someone.

I'm avoiding at all costs and cutting communication, dating others and hoping in time feelings will fade. Hope you find what works for you.

hattie43 · 31/10/2022 18:40

TheRossatron · 31/10/2022 18:33

"Grow up" has to be the most useless, smug advice that is EVER given 🙄

Agreed

OldWivesTale · 31/10/2022 18:40

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2022 18:36

Avoid him.

If you can't do that, try to focus on anything gross. Does he sniff a lot, slurp his tea, scratch himself, say 'myself' instead of 'me'? Anything crap to think about.

This is good advice 👏

Watchkeys · 31/10/2022 18:42

TheRossatron · 31/10/2022 18:33

"Grow up" has to be the most useless, smug advice that is EVER given 🙄

Not as useless as no advice. Did you just come to criticise others' uselessness, with nothing useful to say yourself?

mauvemoth · 31/10/2022 18:48

Keep yourself busy and focus on the negatives about him, including his wife. Avoid him, as has all been said now.

Dogsogdog · 31/10/2022 18:55

This reply has been deleted

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Marineboy67 · 31/10/2022 19:12

Avoidance is the only way really if you want to get past this. Also ask yourself why would I want someone that doesn't want you? He doesn't and that's where the story ends.

PukDetektiv · 31/10/2022 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Good advice @Dogsogdog 😂

He is married so would never dream of crossing the line/telling him how I feel.
Yeah right. Isn't it exactly what you are doing though, dreaming about crossing the line, how you could cross the line without crossing the line, how he could cross the line for you, how it would be so exciting to cross the line? So romantic innit?
To be fair he is encouraging you, he's waiting for you to make the first move because he is a honourable married man, right?
If I were you I'd go for it big time and save his wife from wasting years on this dickhead.

Oopsiedaisyy · 31/10/2022 19:21

Lots of bitter married women on here scared someone will steal their husband.

Feelings are natural, and aren't wrong or right. Spend time thinking of other things, other people, till they fade.

ViolinPin · 31/10/2022 19:30

You cannot help the way you feel about someone

Of course you can, you find out the relavant information and then modify your behaviour.

How hurtful can it be when you are just aquaintences or friends, those barriers should be there already.
It's life, we can't always get what we want, so in that regards, yes you should grow up.

This stuff should have been taught to you in nursery.
One day it may actually help you when you are married and some poor girl who cites "I can't help who I fall in love with" want's to trot off with your husband.

Hopefully she will have been taught to not moon over someone who is not available, and not be told her pining is perfectly acceptable and not immature.

So yes, stop being immature = grow up.
Adult conversations.

thesefeelingsuck · 31/10/2022 19:38

ViolinPin · 31/10/2022 19:30

You cannot help the way you feel about someone

Of course you can, you find out the relavant information and then modify your behaviour.

How hurtful can it be when you are just aquaintences or friends, those barriers should be there already.
It's life, we can't always get what we want, so in that regards, yes you should grow up.

This stuff should have been taught to you in nursery.
One day it may actually help you when you are married and some poor girl who cites "I can't help who I fall in love with" want's to trot off with your husband.

Hopefully she will have been taught to not moon over someone who is not available, and not be told her pining is perfectly acceptable and not immature.

So yes, stop being immature = grow up.
Adult conversations.

You cannot choose how you feel, you choose how you act on those feelings!

You implement those boundaries and barriers and do not act on inappropriate feelings. That is the action that makes you a grown up and that is what OP has asked for advise on because it can be difficult.

ViolinPin · 31/10/2022 19:39

Oopsiedaisyy · 31/10/2022 19:21

Lots of bitter married women on here scared someone will steal their husband.

Feelings are natural, and aren't wrong or right. Spend time thinking of other things, other people, till they fade.

Lots of single women on here who are selfish and deluded and think they are entitled to who and whatever they want.

Feelings sometimes can be unfortunate, they can also be very right, or very wrong.

ViolinPin · 31/10/2022 19:47

You cannot choose how you feel,

I actually disagree with this premis up to a point.
So you are attracted to someone, if it gets to the point where it is painful, you have already stepped over the boundary of what should have occured.

Mentally or physically.

ViolinPin · 31/10/2022 19:50

People act as though there is no free will when it comes to feelings.

Can't help this
Can't help that

Rubbish.

Gevrgrgrtv · 31/10/2022 19:52

so, some tips that I found helpful

I liked a guy at work who was married. Such a nice guy. I think I fancied how kind he was about his family etc etc
anyway I tried to avoid him, ignore it blah blah it actually made it worse

tell you what did help?

realising he probably knew I had a bit of a crush and tried to use me as an ego boost

when that sunk in, I fully ghosted and when he tries to speak to me even now I just nod and pretend I have some very important printing to attend to

theh usually know you like them and like the attention - even if that attention is never intended to go anywhere