Get over someone you can't have

[kaymc3]

How do you get over someone you can't have?? Recently I have developed really big feelings for a guy I know. We speak often but just about music, tv shows etc. He is married so would never dream of crossing the line/telling him how I feel.
But how do I get over this insane crush?? Almost an obsession. I think about him all the time and am getting really down about the fact I feel this way but can't have him.
Any tips? I feel constantly heartbroken xx

Been there and done it....not worth the shit on your shoes OP
Chin up hugs and🌹🌹

I am going through something myself.

Some people are nasty on here when they not in a situation.

Just try occupy yourself with other people.

I think it's the chats about cooking I miss sounds crazy.

It's something you have to overcome yourself and get it together as I am trying to move on and do the same.

Op, google limerence. Once it takes hold it is very hard to break. You are getting a dopamine hit every time you think or fantasise about him and so it is addictive. It is also quite common in peri menopausal women with hormone changes. There are some useful websites which help to give you a reality check.

See this (your feelings for him) as a practice run for the real thing. Your emotions prepping you, letting you know that you are emotionally in the right place now to meet someone. Not with him though. He’s just nursery school. A safe training ground for you to remember what it feels like to be deeply attracted to someone. Perhaps you’ve shut that part of yourself down in the past.

To say you’re feeling heartbroken is a bit dramatic and maybe that’s why your feelings have picked out an unavailable man. It’s “safe” to have a crush on someone unavailable because you know there’s no chance it’ll ever happen (unless you’ve got the scruples of an alleycat).

It’s a learning curve for your heart.

How can you want to get over someone who you’ve never had anyway? It’s a bit of a weird question, because neither of you have had any romantic connection/intimacy with each other,so there’s nothing to get over. You sound like you get on with him well and have common interests. Couldn’t you put aside your romantic feelings and just be friends? You don’t have to cut him out of your life just because he doesn’t fancy you. Maybe he values your friendship?

I had a MM who would flirt with me via words and touch during a period when I was lonely and insecure. Know him through a hobby. Here's what helped:
Staying far from him
Realising that he was manipulating me for kicks
Researching what it is like to be the OW
Thinking of him as my tedious ex, whose games and dirty socks I am overly familiar with
And paradoxically... these days seeing more of him through the hobby... got used to him, and now he just seems like a relative. But all the aforementioned had to happen first

"Lots of bitter married women on here scared someone will steal their husband".

⬆️ this!

I hope you are ok Op. it is a tricky situation. If he is not giving you any signals, keeps it all very platonic, talks of his wiife often and clearly very happy you will have to pull back. It will hurt but you will recover. A pp said it is showing you that you are open to a relationship now. It will be hard but keeping yourself busy, getting out there, meeting others and testing the waters will boost your confidence. Look after after yourself , pamper yourself and treat yourself to a new hair cut or clothes or make up, tsot. Be the best version of you, be confident and a relationship will happen.

You haven't stated in your post if you think the feelings are reciprocated? I was/am in a very similar situation but with reciprocated feelings. It has all moved on significantly now, we are intimate. It is a different situation as i am not looking for a relationship with him. He has young children and i do not want those kind of limitations placed on my life or for my future weekends to be spent navigating someone else's childcare responsibilities etc. My situation and view is different.

If you want something long term and committed, you will have to break yourself away from this man. - unless he tells you something that will alter your view on his longterm situation. It will be hard and you will be upset so be gentle with yourself. I am sorry you have have a hard time on this thread at points. Some see things very black and white while others see grey.

All you have done is fallen for someone. Its natural, it's chemistry and shows you are very much alive and feel passion. Do not beat yourself up about this or allow others to. You can never ever "force" a connection, what you are feeling is honest and true to you. If he feels the same then so be it - follow what you want. If he does not - walk away. Based on what you may already know but, have not have told us, do what makes you happy Op. That is the advice my friends gave me and that is the best advice i can give you.

You tell yourself that underneath the social persona he is showing you, he is just Joe Bloke. The same as dozens of others. You can't have him, but you can have another as similar as makes no difference.
Its very easy to seem perfect when you spend limited time with someone and can keep interaction about fun mutually interesting things. In reality he will have faults and flaws, be boring selfish and irritating at times. Not to mention, that if he's been turning on the charm with you while married, he may be rather untrustworthy.

What a horrible set of responses from some of you. This isn't aibu!

Ah good. The arbiter has arrived.

Very much so. Nearly as helpful as telling someone to calm down!

Maybe if you weren't so bloody rude when someone is asking for advice then someone wouldn't have to be.

Sorry I've got your back up. I didn't force anybody to be rude though.

Have a good weekend.

*didn't force anyone to be arbiter

She hardly sat on his bits did she? Op was asking for help on reducing her feelings. I doubt you would be so bitter in real life with someone. It's easy to be a keyboard warrior in here but it's still a person on the other side. Treats others how you would wish to be treated.

Sorry for the derail op.

It hurts, OP. But you'll soon get over the pain if you can avoid seeing or thinking about him.

Find interesting things to do. Spend more time with friends or make new friends. Get involved with a charity or campaign or new hobby. Maybe look for a new job. Do some travelling. Or take up a project that will keep you busy doing something rewarding.

You deserve a partner who will love you, not live with someone else and have affairs on the side.

Ignore the arseholes on here. You can't help how you feel. You need to cut all contact. Hope you're okay x

Yes that’s right! Girls should be taught in nursery that it’s their job to police men’s sexual behaviour and make sure they don’t stray.

Remember women! It’s ‘some girl’ wanting to ‘trot off’ with your husband that’s the problem.

His desire to shag someone else is not the problem! Just those evil tempting women!

I think I know who you are and so this is a bad situation for you I'm sorry, but you need to get over by getting under, maybe one of his mates? they're always out on a Friday x

@kaymc3 There is some good advice on this thread, especially from @girl71. Ignore the "grow up" comments.

I have been in this situation, and the main thing that really did help was the man in question moving jobs, so I was no longer seeing him on a daily basis. Without the oxygen of proximity, it ran its course. I should say that I was also married with young DC at the time, as was he. I thought about him all the time, then thought about him a bit less, then less, and now only occasionally think of him. This was 20 years ago.

If I had continued to see him regularly, it would have been more difficult (though nothing would have happened, not least as he wouldn't have wanted it to). My only other advice would be as PP say - to keep very, very busy doing lots of other things. You will still think about him, but it's better than sitting at home and thinking about him. It will run its course, though it's tough meanwhile.

I didn't find that imagining him picking his nose or whatever really helped. At the time, I'd have thought "oh, he is so special at nose-picking".

Some of these comments have been completely unnecessary I agree. OP was only seeking advice, we all end up in situations we don't want to be in from time to time.

@girl71

"Lots of bitter married women on here scared someone will steal their husband".

⬆️ this!

Rubbish, the delusion of the ow.

Some time ago someone posted about her friend, a female who had contracted AIDS, from her partner who had contracted it from the ow he was seeing.

This friend died and she was extremely angry and basically acused the mm of murder. His wife"s lack of consent was in her eyes akin to rape.

This woman had no choice, no agency as to who she shared her husband's penis with.
Now this may seem extreme but essentially, this is third party rape, lack of consent on the behalf of the wife.

Ow, if you do start a relationship with a man, make it clear to the wife what your intentions are along with the husband.

The married women can then take it from there, fully informed, with full knowledge of the facts.

Liars are disgusting individuals to be involved with and many women and men with values, don't wish to be anywhere near them, let alone choose to share bodily fluids and bacteria with them.

Op try to forget him, you are being encouraged to act upon selfish desires and it usually ends up reflecting badly on you.

Thanks @Cuntry. Glad to see the Op is getting some additional and valuable support now on thread. Hope they are ok.

"Ow, if you do start a relationship with a man, make it clear to the wife what your intentions are along with the husband".

Or just use condoms.

Are you going to do that for every orafice ?