Get over someone you can't have

[kaymc3]

How do you get over someone you can't have?? Recently I have developed really big feelings for a guy I know. We speak often but just about music, tv shows etc. He is married so would never dream of crossing the line/telling him how I feel.
But how do I get over this insane crush?? Almost an obsession. I think about him all the time and am getting really down about the fact I feel this way but can't have him.
Any tips? I feel constantly heartbroken xx

Holy shit, talk about massive projection. The OP has had thoughts about someone - that's all. Thoughts. She hasn't done anything, nor is she likely to do anything.

And if you think your neighbours or children won't suss out what you are doing within a month, mm dropping off after work for his extra cariculatives before he races off back to the wife you are deluded.

Or shagging a colleague whilst the rest of the team whisper behind your back.

Yuk.

Holy shit, talk about massive projection. The OP has had thoughts about
someone - that's all. Thoughts. She hasn't done anything, nor is she
likely to do anything

That's for the posters encouraging op to forgo her morals.

@ViolinPin

No one's encouraging nothing. Acting like OP is a child she not.
She not doing nothing lol. People are sharing their experiences of MM not telling her steal this guy off his wife.

With me, @kaymc3 it's more the opposite, yes I still think of my ex, but the reality is, what we had we had, but now with her having kids and a marriage under her belt, it's a whole different game.

the reality if they split is the ex, I presume would be very much in the picture unless he's 007, and goes into the night so to speak.

Even then, I'm very confident that she wouldn't want me,

yet the strangest thing is I still miss her here and there, yet in my mind, I know it's not going to happen, yet gut feeling, is what if, so to speak.

"@Crazypaving22 But none of it is any response to 'right to consent'... which you avoid!"

I am not avoiding anything . I give MY right to consent to have sex anyone I choose to have sex with. That is MY consent to have sex with whom I want. MY body, MY choice.

But not her body her choice.

Yuk.

Good. For. You.

Wouldn't you agree that all women should have such wonderful empowered control over their bodies, over their consent?

Or does it only apply to you and not his wife and mother of his young children?

"@Crazypaving22 Wouldn't you agree that all women should have such wonderful empowered control over their bodies, over their consent?".

Yes, all women should have this. If they are married, perhaps they have this conversation with their
husbands ?

@girl71 do you understand relationships and cheating at all. I'll break it down for you. Most adults enter what we call 'monogamous' relationships understanding that their partner will be faithful, they have those 'conversations'. Now, that involves the idea that every time you have sex you give enthusiastic consent on that basis. When you break that (by cheating) you're ripping the consent (that you yourself value so highly) from your partner. By involving yourself with a married man because it feels just oh too good not too, you're colluding in ripping consent from a victim of (what many believe is) abuse.

But you're loving it right and getting your kicks, so crack on, but own your shit, seriously! You're a misogynist who believes her right to feel goods trumps another woman's right to safety and consent!

@Crazypaving22 🥱

I don't know that it's only the OW. That wasn't my point.

i was just aghast at the comment massively generalising about "lots of married women" and that they would be bitter about "someone will steal their husband"

Lots of bitter married women on here scared someone will steal their husband.

Sounds to me you are calling the wrong person mad. The comment was vilifying married women who deigned to get upset at the thought their marriage may be in jeopardy. The comment was all kinds of wrong, difficult to know where to start.

@kaymc3 cut down on all the chat. Heartbroken though? Come on.....

Unless you've been through this, you've no way of knowing how intense and painful a crush can be. It can happen quite unexpectedly. It's very difficult to switch off and I got really annoyed - I didn't want those feelings in my head; they almost seemed to be taking over my life. I never acted on anything, thank god I didn't. The only cure was to get myself out of that situation (it was a hobby group) and it took 18months for it to pass.

@girl71 flabbergasted that you are in a situation with a MM!

Anyway.

The usual advice to the OP is to remember that this is just another human being, nothing special about him, he farts, burps, smells, picks his nose, and there's no great passion in being intimate with someone who's been sticking his dick in his wife recently.
MM just aren't as appealing when you remember he has a home life which may very well include his wife cooking for him and cleaning up after him.
Self-entitled little boys, these MM who have affairs.

Well done for not acting on this, for taking yourself out and for not playing balls (so to speak) with some sleezy MM. That shows a healthy dose of self-respect.

When I was a young thing I used to be really puzzled by MMs, some with children, believing they were a catch.
I mean, you're offering me a furtive, shame-ridden, inconvenient, unfulfilling world of pain, you're a liar and a cheat, and you think that I, baggage-free and at the peak of my attractiveness, should really consider getting involved with you? Hilarious. And insulting.
(I chose my abusers from another pool, but that's another story.)

Anyway what I wanted to say; however real and intense the pain of a crush is, it doesn't really compare to the pain of a marriage break-up that may or may not involve children.
It's not something I'd be happy to indirectly, through the low-life MM, inflict on anyone.

@kaymc3

You cannot help who you have feelings or a crush on. Perhaps best to distance yourself as much as possible, cut the chats/contact, keep busy and focus on why he is unsuitable. Ignore some on here - it can be hard and at least you are trying rather than jump in and ruin a relationship of another potentially.

OP, falling for someone you can't have is a neurotic thing to do.Either because it comes from a need to take someone away from someone else and so reassure yourself you have that power or because you are used to being neglected and overlooked and find familiarity in that scenario, or because you are scared of intimacy and so feel safe choosing to obsess over someone who isn;t available.

It's likely to be one of these or something similar that has attracted you. Get to know your neruosis and work on it so it doesn't keep you from having a relationship with someone who is available.

Meanwhile analyse what you like about this person and look fro those qualities in someone else. Is it just physical looks or is it that they are kind or witty or pay you attention? Make a list in your head of the things that have attracted you and look elsewhere for those same qualities.