Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Babies dad has blocked me and he has her...help

111 replies

Supernova18 · 31/10/2022 09:56

Hello,
My ex partner has blocked me (again) after I said I wasn't happy about his girlfriend of a few months staying over when my child is there (with her baby too) and my partner going on holiday with her and her daughter. He has blocked me, he says until the new year. It is my daughters birthday early december, then they go away and then they want her for xmas.

Can anyone offer guidance? our co parenting it horrific and he will block and unblock, but being told he promises it will be until new year, is a long time with no direct contact. I have to go through my MIL

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 12:25

Ok so he just wants to wind you up and you to be jealous? Don't rise to it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/10/2022 12:28

Its completely irresponsible to block you if he has your baby for theweekend. What happens in case of emergency.

What a petty spiteful man.

Keep a screenshot of the texts and get legal advice. Try not to discuss anything outside of baby's care. If you have concerns about the revolving door of gfs, can you contact a health visitor?

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 12:32

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/10/2022 12:28

Its completely irresponsible to block you if he has your baby for theweekend. What happens in case of emergency.

What a petty spiteful man.

Keep a screenshot of the texts and get legal advice. Try not to discuss anything outside of baby's care. If you have concerns about the revolving door of gfs, can you contact a health visitor?

Well if theres an emergency he can unblock her.

Original poster
Supernova18 · 31/10/2022 12:40

Thank you everyone. In terms of the abuse its emotional. I will drop my child off and he will say 'see this is all your fault, she will know that one day' as I struggled pre/post baby with body changes etc, lack of sleep as we all did and he would walk in and out, work and gym until 10pm at night. He will say hell always look at me as responsible. How I didnt see the life he was building but he will make sure I always know how amazing his life is with her and my daughter. It is constant.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 31/10/2022 12:42

Would someone act as a 3rd party to hand her over. You need to cut your contact with him.

canyon2000 · 31/10/2022 12:43

Maybe it's better if you don't speak to or have contact with him for a while if he says horrible things to you every time. At least you only have to see the MIL at pick up/drop off.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/10/2022 12:47

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 12:32

Well if theres an emergency he can unblock her.

Show quote history

So OP has to rely on him doing the decent thing and unblocking her.
What if she has an emergency?

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 12:48

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff she can call his mom

PaterPower · 31/10/2022 12:48

So your last couple of posts do paint a different picture.

I still think a co-parenting app would work well in these circumstances, as you can tell him you’ll only communicate via that.

Grey rock him any time he tries to do the whole “look how great I / my life is” routine. TBH, it’s just highlighting his insecurities and guilt.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/10/2022 12:48

canyon2000 · 31/10/2022 12:43

Maybe it's better if you don't speak to or have contact with him for a while if he says horrible things to you every time. At least you only have to see the MIL at pick up/drop off.

This.

FartSock5000 · 31/10/2022 12:49

You need to stop giving him all the power.

Is his access court ordered? If yes. then you ignore him unless the question is directly relating to your daughter. No personal stuff at all, no phone calls. Only email or text.

If not, then it is time you took back control. If he cannot be relied upon to keep communication amicable, open and only relating to your DC and he threatens you with not returning her, then he can pay a court to grant him access and you block him and keep DC away until a judge tells you otherwise.

Having a relationship with your father should only be a given if that relationship is a happy healthy one. This man is a knob jockey who likes to cause emotional torment. He likes to use a child as a weapon. What kind of man does this and adds anything beneficial to a child's upbringing? So he doesn't get to play at being a Dad until he grows up and puts the baby first. Take her back and make him go to mediation for access and keep all of the abusive texts as evidence.

Original poster
Supernova18 · 31/10/2022 12:55

Thank you everyone for your constructive comments.

I do not wish to know about his private life, it is too hurtful and too soon. He always jumps in and out with woman and I have tried to just be wary of this for my daughter. His reply is 'we will prob break up' to 'she is the one', 'tell her I will just leave her' to 'same will happen to her as you' and I don't want my little one exposed to that. BUT I acknowledge that I have to know that can happen. I have to keep in mind he fluctuates and just last week he was apologising for how he spoke to me. One moment he wants to be good friends, how everything in the future is down to me and it is all my fault... I suffered from PND and that is often used against me also how that means he should have her full time and not me

OP posts:
BMW6 · 31/10/2022 13:04

Sounds like he's trying to make you jealous. What a sad individual.

Don't react, just delete his messages. Don't tell him they upset you. If he asks what you think about his new gf just shrug and say you couldn't care less, your only care is for your child.

BadNomad · 31/10/2022 13:06

Jeez. He's a knob. Just block him. Set up an email address and tell him to message you via that if there is anything important.

GetThatHelmetOn · 31/10/2022 13:09

Erm, you both better grow up and start communicating properly and acquire healthy boundaries.

Otherwise your girl is going to be messed up by parents who do not communicate and will user as a messenger as soon as they can.

As upset as you can be, you cannot control who your child spends time with out of jealousy, I can’t imagine why would you need to be calling him to the point he blocks you when your child is too young to talk to you on the phone. Back off, if you reduce the pressure, he will call you when he has a question about your kid or there is a problem, otherwise you are painting yourself into a corner.

Original poster
Supernova18 · 31/10/2022 13:15

Thank you everyone. There are some great points and clearly I have a lot of reflection and work to do on myself as a person too and not take the bait.

I hope we can move forward for our daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Supernova18 · 31/10/2022 13:38

GetThatHelmetOn · 31/10/2022 13:09

Erm, you both better grow up and start communicating properly and acquire healthy boundaries.

Otherwise your girl is going to be messed up by parents who do not communicate and will user as a messenger as soon as they can.

As upset as you can be, you cannot control who your child spends time with out of jealousy, I can’t imagine why would you need to be calling him to the point he blocks you when your child is too young to talk to you on the phone. Back off, if you reduce the pressure, he will call you when he has a question about your kid or there is a problem, otherwise you are painting yourself into a corner.

I do not want a messed up daughter. Of course I dont.

OP posts:
CoastalWave · 31/10/2022 13:46

And this is why women shouldn't have babies with any old Tom Dick and Harry.

if you're pregnant, reading this and thinking hmm...don't put the dickhead on the birth certificate.

Original poster
Supernova18 · 31/10/2022 13:53

CoastalWave · 31/10/2022 13:46

And this is why women shouldn't have babies with any old Tom Dick and Harry.

if you're pregnant, reading this and thinking hmm...don't put the dickhead on the birth certificate.

Agreed. We were together 5 years. Stupidly I knew what he was like as he was always a ladies man, commitment issues and would go through lots of women. I was sucked in and it went 0-100 clearly, when he was still the same man.

I don't know if you ever know someone. I clearly havent been fair at times in getting on his back about my concerns which has just pushed him into a corner clearly

OP posts:
PotentiallyPolly · 31/10/2022 13:58

So he’s not refusing to return your daughter to you, just refusing to have any communication via text/social media? That seems fine. Not at all ideal if you want updates during his contact time but providing handover includes all relevant information about her (sicknesses etc) then leave him to block you and enjoy the peace.

mathanxiety · 31/10/2022 14:13

Is the current arrangement wrt care and custody of your daughter court ordered? Dod you go through mediation and come up with an agreement which was then ordered by the court?

Or is it an informal arrangement that you have made with this man with no court order?

Original poster
Supernova18 · 31/10/2022 14:39

mathanxiety · 31/10/2022 14:13

Is the current arrangement wrt care and custody of your daughter court ordered? Dod you go through mediation and come up with an agreement which was then ordered by the court?

Or is it an informal arrangement that you have made with this man with no court order?

Hello,
It is an informal agreement between us as he didnt want to go to court (awful issues in his family regarding this parents, siblings etc who have had bitter break ups with kids)

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 31/10/2022 15:09

@Supernova18
Start to keep an incident diary and log everything he says along with the time and date. His behaviour seems to suggest he is 'crazymaking', which is a form of coercive control. It keeps you undermined and constantly guessing.

If you can afford to, see a solicitor asap, and take this to court. There's a reason he doesn't want to go to court and it has more to do with his awful treatment of you and your DD than any family trauma.
Tou can also contact the local police and ask to speak to the domestic abuse team, and talk to Women's Aid.

teezletangler · 31/10/2022 15:18

I think you need to go to court. Who cares if he has "trauma"? He's an absolute dick.

HoundofHades · 31/10/2022 15:45

Like others, I'm going to suggest that this needs to be made formal, by the courts, for the sake of your child. So what that his parents and siblings have had shitty break ups, with children involved?! Does this (a) mean that you'll be dancing across eggshells regarding your own child as she grows up, and/or (b) make this your child's responsibility going forwards, leading to them also dancing across eggshells lest Daddy be upset?

Your sole responsibility is to your child. Before it is to yourself. Not him. Your child.

Maybe do what's in her best interests, rather than worrying about the immature man-child you happen to have procreated with? Trust me (I have a son with one such lovely specimen of manhood, who still whinges 18 years later that I moved on,,, despite him having another family!), life is a whole lot less stressful and freeing once you stop fretting about them.