Babies dad has blocked me and he has her...help

[Supernova18]

Hello,
My ex partner has blocked me (again) after I said I wasn't happy about his girlfriend of a few months staying over when my child is there (with her baby too) and my partner going on holiday with her and her daughter. He has blocked me, he says until the new year. It is my daughters birthday early december, then they go away and then they want her for xmas.

Can anyone offer guidance? our co parenting it horrific and he will block and unblock, but being told he promises it will be until new year, is a long time with no direct contact. I have to go through my MIL

Are you saying you won't see your baby until after Christmas?

I just mean if they share custody, isn’t there an obligation to maintain communication in case something goes wrong?

You should get a Child Arrangement Order sorted. If you both agree on a routine then you won't need a solicitor and can get it done for £210.

I understand why you're mad about the gf but legally he can introduce baby to who he wants. Unless she is a sex offender or something you need to get used to the fact that you have basically no control over what happens when baby is with her. The authorities would only interfere if he was dangerous and introducing new gfs when he wants isn't under that category.

Do you text him excessively ? I think that would be a good reason to block you.

Unfortunately he can introduce girlfriend and have her stay, and contact via mil is also a valid choice too if he wants to minimise conversation. It is not ideal but i am not sure what you can do about it.

What does your mother-in-law think of her son's behaviour? Can she talk some sense into him?

What’s the usual residency situation with the child? Is there a court order?

I can imagine he is annoyed with you - you can’t dictate who he sees, whether he has a partner stay over when he has the child, or that he does not go on holiday with his partner, but he shouldn’t be changing any residency pattern in retaliation.

If the usual residency pattern would a disturbed and you don’t know when he will return the child, or he has broken orders then see a solicitor asap and get an emergency hearing for return. Then work to get Orders put in place if necessary.

You dont actually get a say in what he does when he has her. You dont get a say in when his gf stays over. You also dont get to complain that he is going on holiday with his new gf.

It sucks. We want control over our kids and who they are having contact with. But, when you're split up, you dont get to have that say.

Some people can co-parent well and agree on meeting new partners etc, whereas some people cant manage that. You two clearly cant manage that. So you need to stop.

You cannot message him complaining about the gf and you cant put constraints on what he can do when he has his child. Just like he cannot do that to you.

If my ex did that to me, I would block contact and communicate through someone else too.

You have to accept that you both have the exact same rights here. You both are the parents. He can do what he wants on his time. You can do what you want.

You have to stop contacting him about anything that isnt about actual care of the child. You dont get a say on his gf being around. If you can do that, then you both may be able to have a somewhat stable coparent relationship with shared care and you can sort out splitting xmas etc.

It is hard, but this is how it is. No court would give you what you want regarding the gf. He isnt doing anything actually wrong. You need to accept that, accept that you dont get a say and that you cannot send him messages telling him off or making complaints about it.

Talk sense into him about what?

If my ex bombarded me with messages telling me that I'm not allowed to go on holiday with my new partner and telling me what I can or cannot do whilst I have my own child... I would block him and go through a third party for contact arrangements too.

Hello,

Apologies for not giving much more information. We share her, alternate weekends. In the week we were good in terms of helping each other e.g. if he was playing sport, going to the gym. I drive 30 min to get her and 30min home as childcare is close to where we lived together.

He is on the birth certificate as am I.

He has been with multiple women since we split in May (this is woman number 4). They have known each other for 10 years, so he says its different to me ever meeting someone and them staying etc. Every one has been amazing, the one etc etc and hes been so happy. On Thursday he told me it probably wouldn't work, it isn't as serious as I probably think it is etc etc and that in the future there will be someone else. That is my concern. I know I cannot control who he introduces her to and have to trust him with this. But he blocks me on and off all the time and says now we will stick with our days/arrangements and he will block me until new year. It is very very abusive

I don't think him blocking you is abusive. You sound too invested.

I get you not wanting him to introduce so many people to your baby but that's his decision as her dad.

How old is the baby?

You made it sound like he wasn't letting you have contact with her but now it sounds like you're sticking to normal contact and he just doesn't want to speak to you outside of that?

Why are you unhappy about his girlfriend staying over? If you have valid concerns about your child's safety (based on fact, not your imagination) then that's one thing. If, however, you are just using the child as an excuse to try and control him then that is entirely unreasonable. Ask yourself if you would want him trying to dictate to you who you choose to have in your home when you have the child. Maybe if you start being a bit less unreasonable he might do likewise. You are going to have to find ways to work together in co-parenting your child for many years to come and if you don't it is the child that will suffer the most.

It doesn't matter.
You have your arrangement and you're both sticking to it.

You have no need to contact him outside of that. It would be nice to have a good relationship and share info about the child and whatnot. But it isnt necessary.

You dont need to be texting him about his gf. He doesn't need to allow that. You dont need to contact him. He cant be abusive to you if you're not in contact so embrace it.

Leave him to do his thing. You do yours. Stick to the arrangement with split custody and just get on with your life.

If his revolving door of girlfriends ever brought in anyone who shouldn't be around kids, then you can act. But this is just how it is. You've had a kid with someone who goes through a lot of women. You cant change that and you cant make rules about those women around your kid.

It sucks. It isnt a good way for him to treat your child; different relationships all the time wont be fun for the child but it also isnt harmful or dangerous. So let it go, and stop trying to contact him unless it is about shared care arrangements.

Firstly is he on birth certificate? If he isn’t then only you have parental responsibility and he has no right to keep baby I’d contact police.
If he is on birth certificate then he has parental responsibility exactly same as you. You urgently need so legal advice. Try CAB as a first port of call. Assuming you have been parenting her it’s not in the baby’s best interests to be taken from her mum with no contact until new year.

Why do you know so much about the women he is with? He does not need to discuss any of that with you, he discusses the baby, needs to be contactable when he has her PURELY for emergencies, other than that - if you trust him to not put her in danger, then what he does with his time is up to him.

But you can get your baby back, you just can't interfere in his private life, is that right?

How old is your child and is there are child arrangement orders ?

That's not what has happened.
He just doesn't want to talk to her and has said new year as a timeframe for her to sort out her own behaviour and learn to stop contacting him about things that are none of her business.

He hasn't take the kid. He has just blocked her.

Right so he isn’t withholding her, he wants to stick to the arrangements you’ve had all year so far, and he doesn’t want to talk to you in between (which is probably because you’ve tried to dictate his time with her, to be fair).

that’s not abusive, unless there’s a drip feed coming.

So you both have pr, he’s not keeping baby away just not wanting you to contact him. I think you need legal advice and a contract agreement. There are apps you can use for shared contact. You aren’t a couple and he can parent her as he sees fit, as can you.

Yes sorry I saw update after I posted.

You don't get to have a say in his love life. It is up to him who is around when his child is with him.

Just as he doesn't have say in who is involved in your life or who is in the house with your child is in your home.

You are equal parents.

You are best to stick to agreed dates and agreed communications and refrain from commentary on each other lives.

You need to stop contacting him for minor issues.

His life now has nothing to do with you and you do have to trust his judgment as he will have to trust yours

It seems entirely sensible that he blocks you if you comment about his personal life and choices your contact should be about arrangements for your child only

It's incredibly hard for you I know

I echo the other PPs in saying you’re over-invested in him still (which is understandable, but is going to be an ongoing source of friction between you).

You can’t control who he sees, or who he introduces to his child, if there are no safe guarding concerns around that new GF. You CAN state (once) that you don’t think it’s providing the most stability for your DC, but then leave it there. You wouldn’t want him all over your love life, nor would you accept HIS opinion on who you might date or introduce in the future.

As a PP suggested, a co-parenting app might be the way forward, so that it removes the personal element and concentrates purely on scheduling and logistics. Do this until / unless he puts your DC at risk, or you get back to a point where you can co-parent openly.

If he does keep you blocked, he can still call or contact you in an emergency, and you can still get hold of his parents if DC is with you. And that is all you really need here, IMO.

If you have a child arrangement of every other weekend, and you are both sticking to it, then that's the limit of your involvement. If it's not a court agreement, it might be a good idea to get one.

I'd suggest that you communicate by email only, unless you need to communicate something urgently, like you're stuck in traffic and you won't make it to pick in time etc.

Unless you have safeguarding concerns about your child when they are in his care, which you feel need reporting, then you sweep your own side of the street. Having an opinion on his girlfriends and holidays are no longer your business. He is within his rights to block your contact if it is inappropriate in terms of content or frequency.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

So you actually will be seeing you child as normal? Just can’t keep mess eating him to ask questions about what is happening during his time with her? I actually think I can see his side of this. I have a feeling that you want to know every single thing while she is with him and have a say in everything that happens? Does he do the same when you have your daughter?