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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just realised my 'poor' mental health is because of DH

86 replies

faultyshowers · 30/10/2022 19:50

Just as title really. It's his grumpy moods, mainly. Along with his refusal to pull his weight in the house and with the DCs. Feel like I've got a lead weight on my shoulders. My father was the same when I was growing up.

Anyone else come to the same realisation?

OP posts:
Teaandtoast35 · 30/10/2022 19:57

Yes @faultyshowers. Exactly the same. Down to my dad. And my last LTR too. What do you think you’ll do?

singlemomof3 · 30/10/2022 19:59

Yes but actually it took him leaving us for me to see it. I would have stuck it out to keep our family together but now I see how much happier the children are and I am too in many ways

Coyoacan · 30/10/2022 20:18

I see it on here when an awful lot of the women who says they suffered from PND are also in abusive relationships

bettyfreddy · 30/10/2022 20:24

I followed the footsteps of my mother and ended up marrying someone like my father. It's all done subconsciously, you're drawn to what feels 'normal' to you without even knowing it. It's toxic yet familiar so it feels right.

Individual therapy is eye opening for me though very painful. I began because of depression/anxiety and being in an unhappy marriage. Didn't think my childhood would ever be mentioned yet im now going through the process of understanding that my dad was a very abusive man to my mother and to me and my sibling. I thought it was normal.

supersop60 · 30/10/2022 20:30

Certainly previous LTRs have affected my mental health, but I only see that looking back.
What are you planning to do, OP?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 30/10/2022 20:36

I work in mental health and see a lot of people whose problem is that they are in a horrible relationship. There is only so much therapy can do for you if you are around someone who brings you down all the time.

YaffleYaffle · 30/10/2022 20:39

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 30/10/2022 20:36

I work in mental health and see a lot of people whose problem is that they are in a horrible relationship. There is only so much therapy can do for you if you are around someone who brings you down all the time.

Therapy can help you break the pattern though.

Smooshface · 30/10/2022 20:40

The night my ex left was the best night's sleep I'd had in a year. When i finally got a counselling referral 6 months later realised i no longer needed it, was in a much better place despite the heartbreak. Honestly, if you can leave you'll be better off for it.

mathanxiety · 30/10/2022 20:47

There's a wry joke that you never see narcissists in therapy but you do see their victims.

DragonflyNights · 30/10/2022 20:54

Reminds me of that saying about before deciding you have depression etc first make sure you’re not surrounded by arseholes. I’ve experienced it yes and as soon as I was away from the toxicity my mental health got a load better.

Do you think you can make plans to leave?

coodawoodashooda · 30/10/2022 21:20

Omg it's amazing shaking off a parasite. Go for it. It'll be the best thing you ever do.

ScarlettMcCain · 30/10/2022 21:54

OP, I've had such an awful night with DP and feel like I'm going mad. I read your title and it really clicked!

He can be such a grumpy, lazy arse - I asked him to make DTS2 a sandwich earlier (whilst I sorted out a load of washing, hoovered up, got schoolbags ready etc) and he just said rudely "well why can't you do that? I want to watch TV" and stormed off. Note: he had been watching TV for two hours already by then, and went on to watch another three Hmm

I think part of the issue is that MIL is a real people pleaser and never made any of her DC lift a finger at home, and he now expects all women to be the same I love MIL but she has a lot to answer for

I honestly don't know what to do, I'm just stressed most of the time as I walk on eggshells and he's constantly accusing me of having hours of time that I fritter away, despite me actually having very little free time that isn't childcare, cooking, cleaning, washing etc...

Aaaaand breathe. Solidarity OP!

dizzydizzydizzy · 30/10/2022 22:16

I said that to my GP. She then asked me to tell her more and she ended up saying I was in an abusive relationship. She asked me to contact Women's Aid and stay in touch with her.

ScarlettMcCain · 30/10/2022 23:27

How did it all work out for you @dizzydizzydizzy? I hope Women's Aid were helpful?

I'm currently Googling hobbies for me to take the DC to at weekends - I'd love us to get involved with a club or activity that we can spend hours at, just can't think of any locally! DP is very overweight and his GP has told him that he must start exercising more - but still when I make any suggestions of things that involve him moving off the sofa (taking the DC swimming, bike riding, walking in the countryside etc) he still makes a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp Confused

lovelilies · 30/10/2022 23:49

My MH magically improved once I got rid of DP.
Try it Flowers

dizzydizzydizzy · 31/10/2022 07:22

@ScarlettMcCain I'm only at the start of the process

Original poster
faultyshowers · 31/10/2022 08:07

Funnily enough I had bad PND after having both children, which I now realise was because I was just expected to do everything , both for the new baby and in the house, and just wasn't looked after at all. After DC2 in particular he was in a foul mood constantly and just wouldn't do anything. If he even, say, held DC2 whilst I had a shower he'd literally hand him back to me as soon as I was out of the shower.

I'd love to have just been a bit looked after and been able to just look after the baby, even for a couple of days, but he wouldn't even bring me a glass of water when I was breastfeeding

OP posts:
Smooshface · 31/10/2022 08:11

ScarlettMcCain · 30/10/2022 21:54

OP, I've had such an awful night with DP and feel like I'm going mad. I read your title and it really clicked!

He can be such a grumpy, lazy arse - I asked him to make DTS2 a sandwich earlier (whilst I sorted out a load of washing, hoovered up, got schoolbags ready etc) and he just said rudely "well why can't you do that? I want to watch TV" and stormed off. Note: he had been watching TV for two hours already by then, and went on to watch another three Hmm

I think part of the issue is that MIL is a real people pleaser and never made any of her DC lift a finger at home, and he now expects all women to be the same I love MIL but she has a lot to answer for

I honestly don't know what to do, I'm just stressed most of the time as I walk on eggshells and he's constantly accusing me of having hours of time that I fritter away, despite me actually having very little free time that isn't childcare, cooking, cleaning, washing etc...

Aaaaand breathe. Solidarity OP!

Sounds like you are doing everything anyway, i would consider getting your ducks in a row as you might want to leave for your own sanity.

onmywayamarillo · 31/10/2022 08:18

I found becoming a single parent was life changing.. I have to do it all anyway with out a huge manchild adding to the pressure! Also any resentment of having to do it all melted away.
You get time to yourself when they go to bed and possibly when or if they go to their dads new place at the weekend 😀
Maybe tell him a story of your friend who finds single life liberating and ask him to fix up and stop being a child you didn't want to adopt

Original poster
faultyshowers · 31/10/2022 12:32

The thing is too, that he won't even discuss it. If I mention his mood he gets so annoyed and says that I'm the one in a bad mood and that he tiptoes around my moods, which is totally not true, then starts calling me a bullshitter. I grew up in a mood filled house and I make every effort not to be moody.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/10/2022 12:37

faultyshowers

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you a lot of damaging lessons; lessons that remain with you to this day. BTW are your parents still together?.

You do realise that this is abusive behaviour from him. Moodiness and sulking are examples of emotional abuse.

He does not act like this to people in the outside world or to work colleagues. No, it is for you people this abusive treatment is solely directed at.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Do not continue impart a similar set of damaging lessons to your children that your parents imparted to you. I would plan my exit now from this marriage with due care; these men do not change and this is who he really is.

ParentallyUnprepared · 31/10/2022 12:39

Not that it matters but what excuse would he give for not bringing you a drink when breastfeeding?

billy1966 · 31/10/2022 13:56

OP,

You are in an abusive relationship.

A highly abusive relationship with a really nasty man.

Please call Womens aid to see if they can help and support you.

You and your children deserve better than this nasty man in their lives.

GoldenCupidon · 31/10/2022 14:07

DragonflyNights · 30/10/2022 20:54

Reminds me of that saying about before deciding you have depression etc first make sure you’re not surrounded by arseholes. I’ve experienced it yes and as soon as I was away from the toxicity my mental health got a load better.

Do you think you can make plans to leave?

Yes! I read that saying on here years ago and it changed my life.