I've just realised my 'poor' mental health is because of DH

[faultyshowers]

Just as title really. It's his grumpy moods, mainly. Along with his refusal to pull his weight in the house and with the DCs. Feel like I've got a lead weight on my shoulders. My father was the same when I was growing up.

Anyone else come to the same realisation?

This is so true.

I have a close friend with a similar DH but he earns a lot which means she could hire help and has her family close by who step up a lot which to me they shouldn't as the DH should step up. She always tells me if she had to work as well and he wasn't earning then she would have kicked his ass onto the kerb years ago but she stays in the marriage because they can buy the missing elements from her husband. but to me no matter how much money you have or able to buy help, nothing can ever replace the emotional support you should be getting from your partner where you share your life and kids with.

Yes I totally agree that you just never forget how you were treated during pregnancy and postnatally etc.

I'd love to have just been a bit looked after and been able to just look after the baby, even for a couple of days, but he wouldn't even bring me a glass of water when I was breastfeeding

Yep, ducks in a row after getting help and advice and working out a plan and timeframe that works for you, and leave this vile waste-of-space man.

Omg get rid... seriously

These men don't even give you an average level of courtesy, why the fuck are you with them???

he wouldn't even bring me a glass of water when I was breastfeeding

This is just cruelty.

He was punishing you for being the centre of attention in the hospital.

I would do nothing for him and let the house get worse. Fuck it.

When I got divorced I realised over the following months how much his 'bubbling under the surface aggression' had affected every single part of my life, it was like finally being able to breathe again.

@cushioncovers
YYY, me too.

And it sucked all my energy. I had so much more to give to the children when he left.

We went out last night to a fireworks display with friends. He was in a foul mood before we went and was so horrible to me but when we were there he was all nice in front of others, playing with their young kids and helping push their buggy etc. I just ignored him all night and spoke to friends instead

He knows well he is deliberately behaving like a nasty prick.

He saves his abuse for his family.

Street angel, house devil.

Start telling people the truth.

Stop protecting him.

Call Womens aid for support.

This reminds me of my exh. He was the same. He never changed. You deserve better than this op.

hi Op, I'm doing the online course here www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
I think it costs £10 so not expensive and I am finding it really helpful to help me separate and step back from my negative relationship. It also helps you realise the effect on the kids etc. Going through expensive therapy isn't an option for me so as I can do this in my own time I have found it really helpful at least to get the ball rolling and finally move on. I would recommend giving it a try, commit to a few mins a day only but you will be done pretty soon if you do it. You might find it eye opening. It doesn't need to be for someone to be in a physically violent relationship to find it helpful. I hope you manage to move on soon OP! we are much happier since making a positive step away from the difficult man in our lives.

@dizzydizzydizzy sending you all the best for your journey with Women's Aid

@JJ8765 DP had a massive row with DTS2 today over something and nothing - essentially the DC try to get his attention, he's constantly on his phone and ignores them, they escalate it and he gets angry - but his way of dealing with it is always to shout and stamp like a massive overgrown toddler. They're not necessarily being bad, just being DC who want attention! I have no idea how he'll cope with them being teens when he can't physically intimidate them - I pointed this out to him but it just makes him more angry and threatening

I really wish my time with newborn and small babies had been more joyful @greenisblack but honestly, it was just an unrelieved slog. I remember begging DP to take over a night feed or two as I was so bloody shattered and he just wouldn't. Makes me sad to even think about it really, we'd both wanted DC soooo much and then he was incredibly lazy and made it much harder than it had to be.

@faultyshowers that's really sad about your fireworks party - shows you that your DH can be nice when he puts the effort in, he simply doesn't bother at home! The DC had a party last weekend and DP came along - another of his (many!) moans is that he doesn't get to socialise with the other school parents, so a great opportunity for him, right? Nope, he went and sat in a corner and played on his phone for two hours

Incidentally I found out that another school parent is having a baby, their fourth - one of their DC has severe SEN and physical disabilities and yet they're still a really happy couple, despite what must be lots of pressure sometimes. That made me quite sad (I mean happy for them, but sad for me!) as I'd never have more DC with DP, let alone another three we always talked about having more but I'm not a glutton for punishment so it's not going to happen!!

Bizarrely @cushioncovers I had an ex who I left as he was such a moody git and made my life utterly miserable as I tiptoed around him, constantly walked on eggshells etc trying not to send him into a mood for any (spurious) reason - and DP seemed to be the complete opposite, happy go lucky, laid back, friendly etc. Now he seems to be pretty much the same and I wonder if I just have very bad judgement?! I'm definitely going to look at the Freedom programme @flflflf , thank you for the suggestion!

@faultyshowers My ex husband was very similar. The entire house's mood always depended on how he felt; if he was in a pissy mood there was nothing anyone could do right - if I left him alone then I was uncaring, if I talked to him normally he'd let his moods out on me and if I got pissy with him I was a bitch.

There was other abuse, but constant gaslighting, making it my fault somehow. Then the display of happy families and brilliant dad in front of others - the only times he'd actually properly help me out with my chores (70/30 split even though we both worked the same hours) would be when his family were around.

Well, I finally dumped his arse. The split and divorce were a nightmare; I won't lie to you. But it's all behind me now and I am so much happier than I have been in a very long time, as are the kids, who feel safe with me and the eldest is now seeing through all his shit and is much happier here than they are at their dad's.

Please get out of the relationship. Not only will you feel much better (and more worthy!) over time, but your kids will also be happier as a result and learn healthier relationship patterns.

I'll give the freedom programme a go 👍🏻

@Skethylita that's exactly how my DH is; if I speak to him in the same tone he says 'temper temper!' Or accuses me of being snappy and in a mood then says he's in a mood with me because I'm in a mood! Honestly, you couldn't make this shit up!

OP, there is every chance you won't see your children for dust and they will leave home the first minute they can.

They may well judge you harshly for not leaving too.

Give some honest thought to how they will look back on their childhood and the atmosphere they grew up in.

It might help spur you on.

A happy childhood is carried so lightly, and an unhappy one, a heavy burden for ever.

What does he bring to your life?

*He provides no practical or emotional support to you.
*Appears to not care for you
*Is emotionally and verbally abusive to you
*Doesn't parent his children
*Treats you as a slave

Is he rich,an Adonis and shags like a porn star?

I hope you are doing ok @faultyshowers ?

DP has surpassed himself this week with a resounding 'No' to all these Unreasonable Requests from Scarlett :

• could he wash up the DC's packed lunch things whilst I take them to sports club? The stuff was already in a sink of hot water and I make the actual packed lunches... NO, he wanted to watch TV
• could he sit with DTS1 and listen to him read his school book whilst I helped DTS2? NO, he played on his phone instead
• could he help out by getting some bread from the shop, as he was going to be sitting in his car around 50 yards from said shop? NO, of course not! Despite the fact that the bread was for his packed lunches...

Add this to DTS1 having an enormous meltdown yesterday as he was incredibly tired - DP wouldn't let him go to sleep at bedtime, kept saying "oh but DTS1 wants to know about this!" and talking ON AND ON - it's been a stressful week so far

@ScarlettMcCain

You need to stop all the work you do around the house that benefits the parasite who lives there with you.

Scarlett what's he going to do for his packed lunch as he didn't get the bread?...

Keeping a child awake ? That's child abuse.

The fact he puts on an act in public is really concerning.

None of this is normal or acceptable. What will you do?

I know the feeling. My oh used to be such a kind and affectionate man but the last 3-4 years he is like an enemy. He's up against me 24/7, everything I say or do he puts an argument against, we lay beside eachother and don't speak a word (if he's not down on his Xbox) he just lays gawping at shit on his phone. We never ever talk or watch tv together etc. He doesn't touch me and the only time he does is cause he wants to dump his load somewhere, other than that there isn't an ounce of affection or comfort from him. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I have no sympathy or support to help me get better. Never been taken out in 13 years and never been randomly given flowers or anything nice. Never compliments me or says anything nice. We have 2 kids together and I pretty much care for them myself and meet every need of there's myself, to be honest I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I look around at couples who are so happy and affectionate and you can just tell they adore one another, and my OH no matter how hard I've tried to tell him, is so not interested in me but, he won't leave. I'm almost 30 and feel like I've wasted all this time, and the kind and gentle man I once loved is now a stranger to me.

@ScarlettMcCain riding can take whole days. All the kids would help out other smaller kids. Could easily spend half a day if not more.

MN is well known for saying ltb

I dont often see it said on here, about separation.
I am a Christian.
There is the option of separation in the Bible. Which is not the same as divorce.
Separation means you are still married but living apart.

I agree with others. Children will resent both parents in the end. The abuser for be abusive and the other parent for staying in the marriage and not defending them.