I've just realised my 'poor' mental health is because of DH

[faultyshowers]

Just as title really. It's his grumpy moods, mainly. Along with his refusal to pull his weight in the house and with the DCs. Feel like I've got a lead weight on my shoulders. My father was the same when I was growing up.

Anyone else come to the same realisation?

OP I've had the same realisation recently. although I'm no longer with my ex-P he's around too much (stays over to "help" but does sweet FA with the DCs) and his moods and lack of help and staying in bed all day does nothign to support us. As a result I'm a nervous wreck, exhausted, miserable and fed up. I've been trying to get out of our rut for a long time but never found the energy (probably related to having small DCs - and him around). However I've started to do the online freedom programme 5 mins a day which is helping me to see the light and recognise it more. And after that I'm going to read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that, to consolidate it further. I've managed to tell him he's no longer welcome to stay over I just have to maintain it now. all these years I just thought something was wrong with me but it's been a bit of a lightbulb moment. He doesn't look after himself and it rubs off on my own self esteem and sanity and is not great for our Dcs. It's a hard cycle to get out of but I hope you manage to pull through. Something like the courses or books I recommended seem to be good because it's like shining a light on it and how it's impacted you and helps you really recognise it to the point where you say enough is enough. Best of luck to you! otherwise there's a real cycle at play whereby they might be ok for a bit and you think it's all fine then it just lapses and on it goes forever.

@AnightwiththeTiger interesting article, thank you. However I do wonder if this somehow excuses the behaviour as it implies that it happens due to the ASD. I am sure that is not always the case and plenty of men are just abusive, unhelpful, moody etc without there needing to be an element of ASD. Sometimes we just need to call a spade a spade. But that was interesting to read thanks.

NB: and plenty of ASD men don't behave like this, of course.

I just find myself feeling so sad all the time. I thought we were having a nice evening tonight then suddenly after tea one thing annoyed him (cat had wee'd on bath mat so nothing major at all) and it's now sent him into a foul mood.

He's also long term cross at the moment because I've been diagnosed with long covid. He's done nothing to look after or support me in any way and isn't interested if I have a doctors appointment. He constantly develops minor ailments of his own which he then moans about all the time. In the past he's had surgery twice that left him quite incapacitated and I totally looked after him and cared and was very sympathetic. He's fine whenever he's doing any activities or pub visits with his mates, though. He's currently on our bed in a foul mood because he says he's tired and his back hurts a bit.

He's also cross tonight because the one hour clock change has apparently permanently fucked up his sleep.

I guarantee he doesn't moan about all these things when he's with mates

The longer you stay with him, the more likely it is that your children will repeat this cycle and end up replicating this relationship dynamic. Which would break your heart I assume? Let that fuel you.

Imagine watching your daughter running around after a lazy twat or your son watching his partner run around after the kids while he sits on his arse calling her lazy.

You need to do everything you can to stop that happening.

It is of no great surprise that you married a moody aka emotionally abusive man given your father was the same. Your parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and now a similar set of lessons are being imparted to your children. History has a nasty habit of repeating itself.

Hit the nail on the head.

He was mostly ok until I was pregnant with our second child, who is now 13. Since then he's been so moody and often nasty

My depression instantly ended when I left exH after 8 years.He wasn't a bad person but his self diagnosed OCD and anxiety/depression rubbed off on me and I never realised.
Skipped out of that marriage like Dorothy on yellow brick Road

@Smooshface I have considered leaving many many times, but realistically can't afford it until the DC are older - I don't have any family nearby to help either. I honestly sometimes feel like I'm going a bit mad - used to be quite outgoing, confident, sociable - my self esteem is now rock bottom from years of DP scoffing and saying "well you couldn't do that", "you've tried that and you were rubbish at it", "everyone else can do that, I don't know why you can't". I didn't realise how often he did it until we were on holiday and someone said to me "but you're perfectly capable of doing xyz, why does he say you're rubbish at it?"... honestly it was a lightning bolt, the reason I can't do most things is because he's robbed me of the confidence to even try!

@faultyshowers I often see on here that men turn moody after the second DC is born - women can cope (more or less!) with one baby, whereas after the second men are expected to step up and help more with baby/ toddler. A lot of them can't cope with this as they're suddenly relegated to being a lot less important AND are expected to give up some of their precious leisure time (despite women frequently having none at all!). We had twins so DP just turned moody and horrible straight away

Oh yes, it's so true. I found my worst self in every way with an ex partner. They bought me to awful places with my mental health. Mostly because their mental health wasn't great - but they also didn't want to do anything about it but suck the life out of me.

@ScarlettMcCain that's awful that he got moody when you had newborn twins.

I'd say my husband has been in a permanent bad mood since our youngest was born. He's 13 now and DH still moody. I cant remember the exact last time DH did anything in the house and even when he does do anything he does it in temper as I haven't done it and is all huffy. My long covid has meant the house has totally gone to shit. He's angry with me over this but if he was a decent partner I'd be able to have a few months of feeling below par and the house would stay at a reasonable standard. He won't even miss one of his activities or nights out if I'm unwell

I did but it wasn’t my mh it was my kids that were suffering. I told him he had to go ..it was the best thing I did for all of us. The night he left my DS described the house as light ..he said it’s like the house on UP it’s going to float away. We’ve never looked back. Kids have hardly any relationship with him. He makes no effort and they don’t care they are 23 and 20 now and have probably seen him for maximum of 1 whole week in total over last 6 years

So 13 years your children have lived in this highly abusive environment.

Your poor children.

What a life.

Is there anyone who can help you?

Ring Women's aid.

This is a truly shocking situation for you all to be stuck in.

Please talk to your GP.

You are unwell and being abused.

No I have no one to help at all unfortunately.

I don't see what my GP could do? It takes me weeks to even get a phone appointment

Does my DP moonlight at your house without me noticing, @faultyshowers?!

The MOANING if asked to do anything - run the hoover round/ take clean washing (not done by him!) upstairs/ put out breakfast (cereal!!) for the DC...

The faces pulled when he realises that he might have to do something that I usually do, such as take the DC to sports club when I'm at a GP appointment...

The "well can't you do it anyway?" when I explain again that he'll have do a small job like hanging the washing out as I'm WORKING and he's sitting on his bum...

Actually if he is moonlighting, please keep him

I was soooo busy the other day dashing around with the DC, he finished work early and instead of offering to lend a hand with anything at all he sat around doing nothing - when I got home I had to shove a sandwich down for dinner before moving on to everything else that had to be done, whilst he made himself something and had a looooong, relaxed meal. Didn't offer to make me anything or share, never cooks for any of us. Then wonders why I'm always frazzled...

My MH improved enormously when I left my H.
The sad thing was I didn't realise he was making me so unhappy, I thought I was the problem.

I didn't realise how my MH was affected by my now ex until after he left. Years of depression, anti depressants and counselling. My psychiatrist actually suggested I ended my marriage and I was horrified wondering what I had said that led her to that conclusion.

Interestingly his current wife has severe mental health problems. I think he did me a massive favour by leaving.

It was only when I asked DH to leave I realised how selfish a person he had always been. Day to day there was always an excuse why he couldn’t help, or was moody, or tired. I thought it had started over recent years and he had just got fed up of parenting but looking back I can see there were signs even before we had dc, I would always have to fit round his choices. By time dc were early teens he would be shouting from the minute he woke up if they didn’t do stuff when he asked straightaway. Get ridiculously frustrated over normal teen behaviour - they were good kids and didn’t deserve constant criticism for being a bit lazy or messy (ironic as he was also lazy). It made for a toxic environment. They were upset we separated but they’ve also admitted since they are happier having a calm and peaceful home. They will talk about how they ‘hated’ him because he was always shouting at them. They get on better with him now he only has to see them when he chooses and in short bursts. He does no heavy lifting as a parent it’s all Disney-Dad / being their mate stuff. Before he left one DC started to copy him and talk down to me / be verbally abusive and that was a real wake up call. I’ve had to do a lot of work to undo the damage - at one point I really worried what sort of partner my dc would be to someone. If I could do back I would have ended it sooner as the dc were more affected by it than I or they realised .

My ex was the same I left and things are much easier. I made the mistake of staying in contact for some months on and off and he managed to make me hate life then too. Now he's gone I'm much happier.

Absolutely. When I got divorced I realised over the following months how much his 'bubbling under the surface aggression' had affected every single part of my life, it was like finally being able to breathe again.

My experience is the opposite - my PND was less severe, and lasted less long because I had so much support. Mainly from DH but also my mum.

OP - this really is not an okay situation. I know it's easy for us on MN to say LTB but honestly, I see no reason why you should stay. And if he's this moody and grumpy at home, I guarantee your DC will bhquite happy with him moving out too, even if it's a bit of a shock at the start.

I have a constant knot of stress in my stomach from tensing at how completely lazy, thoughtless and selfish my dh can be sometimes
I have real anger remembering my pregnancy and early months of motherhood completely ruined by doing everything myself. Dc is 13mo and nothing has changed

I read a quote that women never forget how they were treated during pregnancy, labour and postnatally and it's true. My youngest is 21 and I will never forget how my exh treated me and how it made me feel particularly during labour and the first few months postnatally.