Find my partner repulsive !!

[Jennastar]

Help! I have been with my partner for 8 years and for the last 3 years I have started to find him repulsive. He has gained a lot of weight, which as he is short makes him look awful, has some horrible habits like clearing his throat, spending ages on the toilet stinking the house out, always has to be right in all situations and his selfishness has become a complete joke. He puts himself before the kids, he also always uses the word geezer, Just to think of him makes my skin crawl.
I have tried talking to him countless times about his habits, encouraging him to eat a little less etc but he says it’s his life.
Bottom line is I am stuck. I feel I can’t leave because my ds age 6 would be inconsolable although a mummys boy he has separation issues and anxiety and never likes to be apart from me.
we have a beautiful new home. Without him I would not even have enough for a small flat. My childrens lifestyle would change. I could never give them what they have been used to.
Do I stay living like this or do something drastic……..

Moving forward I won’t be replying to any trolls that jump on this thread because let’s face it they have nothing better to do with their time! For all your efforts you have not bothered me in the slightest.
I sense jealousy from some and perhaps some personal insecurities and a hint of bullying behaviour. I pity those of you that have kids!!

Thank you to those that have made helpful and constructive comments. Xx

Surely repulsed is beyond hate. I would much rather someone hated me than were repulsed by me. And I can't believe it is good for children to grow up in a household where there is such repulsion.

@Jennastar what because my opinion isn’t the same as yours ?
theres women on here terrified to leave abusive partners which I whole heartedly get I’ve been in the same boat.
if a man wrote his wife was fat so she’s repulsive he would be called all sorts.
maybe your husband isn’t happy maybe that’s why he can’t be arsed with himself.

So basically we are trolls for not having the same opinion as you and you will only reply to people who agree with you.
Why would anyone be jealous of you stuck in an unhappy unloving home for the sake of money?
calling people jealous when your the one unhappy is just wierd.
you say you pity peoples children .. yet yours is the one growing up in a toxic environment.

Well it all depends on the circumstances doesn't it. If the partner is carrying some excess baby weight, has put on weight directly or indirectly as the result of a medical condition or medication then it would be bad but if she'd put on weight due to sitting about eating kebabs and drinking beer instead of engaging with family life then I'd understand. If OP's partner was a kind and present father and partner who had inadvertently put on some weight I doubt she'd be repulsed but combined with the rest of the behaviour it's no wonder. Are you saying you'd look lovingly at a man as he hoiked up phlegm constantly, knowing it annoyed you? Would it be disgraceful if a man criticised a woman for doing it?

Why have you attacked the OP? If you could live like this then that is fine but I couldn't. The geezer thing would be enough on its own.

OP, the nice house wouldn't be enough to make me stay

You sense JEALOUSY from some comments?? Really?! I don’t think anyone is feeling jealous of your current situation.

You seem to be reacting very aggressively to commenters, surely you would expect there to be a range of different opinions on this topic, if you yourself don’t even know the best way forward.

If he lit a match he'd probably blow the house up. He sounds like Mr Methane.

I think you need to read the full thread and look at how he behaves. It's about much more than putting on weight.

He sounds revolting OP! Spitting in the kitchen sink?? 😱

It sounds like he has no respect for you, for himself or for your home.

I’ve put up with bad behaviour from DH because of fear of the upheaval of moving out, selling the house, etc, so I fully understand your reluctance to just go. But it’s unlikely that he’ll decide to change unless perhaps he gets a wake-up call - whether that’s you leaving, or him having a heart attack - not unlikely with what he’s doing to himself.

He could easily end up with serious health issues and reduced mobility in a few years and you would be expected to be his carer...

Your husband sounds deeply unhappy.
Kebab, chips and beer then going to bed without brushing his teeth.
His lack of self-care says he doesn't like himself.
Spending 45mins in the toilet on his phone is an escape mechanism.

OP why are you reacting so aggressively?

This is a forum for peoples opinions, not everyone is going to think the same as you.

I honestly don't know what you want people to say; there is no magic solution here.

If you want your nice house and your kids to have a 2 parent household, you are going to have suck it up and find a way to get over or live with your repulsion.

If you want rid of him, you are going to have to accept that your standard of living will drop hopefully only until you meet your next partner!

What does your DP say when you told you don't find him attractive anymore? I assume you have had this conversation with him?

You think that people are jealous? What on Earth of? You’re describing an absolutely awful life.

Why do so many threads have to end up with someone saying 'if a man was saying...'
Honestly, who cares? The OP is a woman asking a question in one of the few places where she is likely to get support and understanding from other women. If that means she can recieve advice without getting 'destroyed' for daring to be critical of a man then that's fantastic.

I think it's down to values OP.
I understand some people may struggle with weight gain due to medical reasons, stress, hormones etc. But I would find it very difficult to live with someone who had the time and means to eat healthy, exercise and instead did nothing to improve his life style habits.
Another big one for me is hygiene. Brushing teeth before bed etc are basics.

If people have different standards that's fine but you are allowed to have your own.

I would have a serious conversation with him. You need to tell him what needs to change in order for your relationship to survive.

Now it's very important to be nice about it. If you attack him he will only go into defensive mode. You both need to be on the same page and willing to put an effort in if you want to stay together.

Honestly OP, he sounds repulsive in personality and physically. You are right to leave him.

I do understand that it’d be awful to have a partner who cared so little about themselves and me that they were obese, but do agree that there seems to be a real double-standard here when it comes to which partner gained the weight.

Not as unattractive as living with someone you can't stand just to get a nice house you can't afford on your own. That's pretty repulsive.

It's a joint mortgage! And it is pretty obvious the main concern for OP is the impact separation will have on her child. And as for wondering what kind of reception a male poster would get...who gives a shit!

OP he sounds absolutely grotesque and it must be so stressful for you to be around a selfish, dirty, boring man who has no understanding at all he's meant to be your PARTNER. It must be horrifying and depressing to feel repulsion all day, every day.

Even if you can't leave now, at least make preparations to leave. That will help your mental health and give you focus. People can tolerate most things if they know the situation is temporary and there will be an end point. I wish you the very best.

HE deserves better ?? Is this for real the guy sounds gross . Who else is gonna want him like that and with those habits . Behaving like that means he has zero respect for his partner and has already checked out of the relationship himself

I couldn’t stay with my husband if I found him repulsive no way! It’s not fair on anyone, what does that tell your children, they will pick up on the unhappiness . You say when you think of him he makes your skin crawl, that’s no way to live is it! You say you are here for the house, well I’d rather live in a small flat than live unhappily like you are doing!

Kids always know when they grow up in an unhappy home and they won’t thank you for it I’m afraid. I certainly don’t thank my parents for not separating. I’d have rather lived in a flat than seeing my parents at war. Why make yourself miserable for the next decade plus? A nice house isn’t better than a more contented life, but your call. I guess for some women it is, but don’t think that the kids will suffer as they have a smaller house or flat, a happy home in childhood is what every psychologist would say is priority

This is a great post. Your attitude to your son's father WILL cause him great psychological damage in the future. You need to end this relationship right now while there is a chance to make this right.

Don't be so childish. If you want pages and pages of people telling you the sun shines out of your backside and you can't possibly do anything wrong, this is not the right website for you to be on.

You have two choices, OP. Either you stay with your partner and try to make the best of it - or you leave.

Only you can decide which option would be best, or least-worst. If you stay, you keep your current standard of living. If you leave, your living standards will fall significantly and you will (at least initially) have to cope on your own, both financially and emotionally, without a partner's support.

You need to have a very serious think about what you want from life and what your priorities are.

Perhaps a good place to start would be to write down all the reasons why you chose this man as your partner and the father of your children in the first place. What did you love about him? What or who has changed since then? Has he changed (apart from the weight gain) or have you?
Think about the real reasons why things have gone wrong. That might help you to clarify in your mind whether you should stay or whether to call it a day.