Find my partner repulsive !!

[Jennastar]

Help! I have been with my partner for 8 years and for the last 3 years I have started to find him repulsive. He has gained a lot of weight, which as he is short makes him look awful, has some horrible habits like clearing his throat, spending ages on the toilet stinking the house out, always has to be right in all situations and his selfishness has become a complete joke. He puts himself before the kids, he also always uses the word geezer, Just to think of him makes my skin crawl.
I have tried talking to him countless times about his habits, encouraging him to eat a little less etc but he says it’s his life.
Bottom line is I am stuck. I feel I can’t leave because my ds age 6 would be inconsolable although a mummys boy he has separation issues and anxiety and never likes to be apart from me.
we have a beautiful new home. Without him I would not even have enough for a small flat. My childrens lifestyle would change. I could never give them what they have been used to.
Do I stay living like this or do something drastic……..

Hi @AnneLovesGilbert thank you for your input. A lot of broomsticks around today in prep for tomorrow .
Your wonderful assumptions could not be more incorrect! Do you think I sit with my 6 year old and talk about these things ….? Really?
I would and have never criticised my partner to him. Actually rarely to a soul hence I have come on here.
Our child is happy although suffers with anxiety which comes from being a shielded family during covid for which we have professional help.
Fly away please!

Caring for yourself and keeping up with basic hygiene is the minimum and if he is failing to do this for himself I think that says a lot. I can see exactly why this would be a complete turn off.

You are not asking him to do anything extensive just simple hygiene and respect for himself and for you!

I think the weight is a red herring really, whilst your totally within your rights to find his weight unattractive (as none of us can help what we are and are not physically/sexually attracted to) I think it has more to do with the behaviour that surrounds the weight.

If he had put on weight but was still maintaining his self care and making and effort for himself and for you I really don’t think it would be much of a problem.

Do you think that perhaps his behaviour (doing things to wind you up, seemingly enjoying disgusting you) might be his way of deflecting any serious discussion around his weight, like he is purposefully pushing you away by doing this before you have chance to reject him?

@Lillygolightly yes I have often thought about this. I can’t understand why he enjoys doing and acting in certain ways.
He has started to become really jealous too. The other day we had an engineer in and he said the man was flirting. He was most definitely NOT. He just said he thought our kitchen looked nice 🤯.
I am just so sad. I’m struggling to even make eye contact with him today.
I think I am going to look into different housing options. I just can’t cope with another day of listening to him say geezer over fifty times in one call or repeatedly clearing his throat and spitting in our family kitchen sink.
Earlier my little boy said to him daddy your belly is like a football. He then shouted at him and said he was rude. That’s a first but I won’t have it. He meant nothing by it. I even defended him and said we must be kind sweetheart but deep down thought well yes it does. Last night I watched him consume a large Donner and chips with 6 beers then go to bed without brushing his teeth.

Weight and digestive issues aside, which seem to be what most think are important here.

He puts himself before his children, what a fucking hero. A decent dad just doesn't do this or at least has balance heavily favoured towards the children. And he thinks he is right all the time, so has developed the "I'm god of the world" complex.

I don't know OP, he sounds awful right now. The only advice is that you honestly thrash it out and lay all the cards on the table.

Take it from there.

Be brutally honest, no blame, no shouting, just raw honesty. See what happens.

Don't fool yourself. Children know when their mum isn't happy this will be affecting him there is no way of hiding it the atmosphere can't be good

Been there, done that. I felt the same as you OP but I was married, he was a high earner, I had a low paid part time job to work around DC.

I had reached a point where I could barely look at him, avoided being home when he had days off (he never wanted to do anything anyway) enough was enough and I was hurting myself and DC by staying and being so desperately unhappy.

Fast forward 4 years, I have a career, a lovely partner, new home, baby due in January and I couldn't be happier. The hardest part is the initial leaving or even admitting you need to leave. DC with exH is happy and thriving, he spends 4 overnights a week with him, sometimes reluctantly but I expect as he gets older it will tail off. Not all children are 'resilient' as many people would assume but with lots of love and understanding, explaining to them how it will work now Mum and Dad don't live together anymore they will be fine.

You will get there OP, sometimes you do have to put yourself first, because if you're unhappy then your DC won't be getting the best of you.

Good Luck

In what context is he saying "Geezer?". I don't understand how he can say it so often with just you and the kids at home? Surely you and the kids don't qualify as Geezers?

• 3 overnights a week, not 4!

I think what people aren’t getting us that it’s ‘everything’ together that is causing the problem. If the op’s dp were a wonderful, thoughtful husband and father, who put his kids first and was actively trying to be healthier, I doubt very much that the op would be so repulsed by his weight, smells and use of the word ‘geezer’!
OP, I really think you need to leave him. It doesn’t sound like he’s interested in doing anything to change the situation and, even if he were too, I suspect it’s too late for you to ever feel attracted to him again.

I would think what is happening within this household is further triggering your son's anxiety hugely.

You cannot stay with such a man merely because of your child and or this house; a house too which is really akin to a warzone. Better to be apart and happier too than to be together and as miserable as you are now. Your son is also not seeing you being fully emotionally available to him because your headspace is taken up by your man and his abusive behaviours.

Spitting in the kitchen sink? That on its own is absolutely disgusting and unacceptable. What must your poor son think? Sorry you are getting a hard time on here OP! If you sell your current houses, how much equity would you get? Enough for a deposit on a 2 bed place?

People change - some change together and some drift apart - it happens. You don't have to descend into recrimination and blame. It just is life. You do not have to stay yoked together in misery for eternity - in fact you both sound as if you'd be happier and have a new lease of life apart.

Atm, fear of change and financial insecurity keeps you there - why not get speak to an advisor about what you'd actually be entitled to by means of support? Assume an 50:50 asset split, child and working tax credit, single person discount on council tax etc...once you plug in actual numbers, then you know what you are working with.

Being a LP isn't easy but 1000% better than living unhappily with someone. Before my new DP came along, I seriously considered doing a house share with another single parent family member...which they infact have gone on to do with ...dividing the house to share a kitchen but everthing else entirely separate; another is doing part rent/part buy on a very small home having left behind a 3 storey 5 bed detached but she never go back to the life she had; another is paying very low rent that in essence covers the bills in return for doing the elderly owner's shopping, cleaning, gardening - whilst allowing her to save up long term for a deposit. None of these are conventional renting/owning nor might they be right for your circumstances OP but do at least explore all options.

I'm in a somewhat similar position, and I'm slowly accepting that this is who he is and he's not going to change. I've decided to put my children's happiness before my own and stick it out. And yes my children are happier with us being together and they're not aware of my feelings. I'm working on a plan to see him as little as possible by keeping myself busy out of the house and only engage in small talk with him. Not ideal but the best I can do.

I think when children are involved, sometimes the grass isn't always greener elsewhere because when you separate you can end up with a number of new issues to deal with. Best of luck on whatever you decide

The atmosphere will not be helping with your DC anxiety they do pick up on tension however well you think you may hide it.

You sound miserable OP.

Don't you think you would be happier living in a small flat without him?

What is better 'on paper' is not always what is better for us, and what makes us happiest.

I have tried talking to him countless times about his habits, encouraging him to eat a little less etc but he says it's his life.

He seems rather selfish. It's not just his own life he's affecting, when his behaviour affects others. He's half of a couple, with a home, dc and a mortgage, and he needs to consider you and the dc as well as himself. As we all need to do when we have a family.

You have my sympathy . My mother had 3 children with a man she very clearly despised , she left him after 20 years of marriage . I was 11 and the youngest child . The dysfunctional family that I was raised in ensured that aged 16 I secured employment that gave me accommodation , I was so lucky , I walked away and never looked back, glad to be free of the toxic environment , no longer scared and walking on eggshells. I had zero respect for either parent . Hopefully you love your child enough to be strong and leave , a small flat would be a haven.

I wish you the very best .

All of this. Your child will be fine if you live in a smaller home in a cheaper area. He’ll be less fine spending his childhood in a home where his parents don’t like or respect each other. Your relationship with your partner sounds as though it has run its course, and the best thing to do is get away from him sooner rather than later.

That really sounds awful, and even though it seems hard now, you'll be much happier living in a smaller place with just your child. Your DS will get used to it surprisingly quickly. I know from experience. If you don't, he'll start picking on your unhappiness very soon

I understand money is an issue, but you can live in a smaller flat and be much happier. I left at the beginning of the year after 20+ marriage, and my current home is a third of the size I had with my ex but I am elated to have left and I no longer have to walk around feeling irritated and annoyed. It is honestly worth it.

If you're on the mortgage and earn your own money, wouldn't you be able to afford a nice small house or flat on your own if it was sold?

Thank you for your comments. Witches too as hopefully I’ve taken their anger instead of someone else. Really I am a big girl and can handle it but thanks to those who care.
I have a lot of thinking to do and fast. I will be speaking to a financial advisor this week.
He really is a pig of a man and I won’t tolerate it. We all deserve better.

Wow.
Imagine the replies on here if it was man saying I want to leave my wife because she got fat!!
you are staying for the house , that’s your problem.

@Jennastar "bitter nasty troll"? Glass houses spring to mind.