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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Find my partner repulsive !!

115 replies

Jennastar · 30/10/2022 08:13

Help! I have been with my partner for 8 years and for the last 3 years I have started to find him repulsive. He has gained a lot of weight, which as he is short makes him look awful, has some horrible habits like clearing his throat, spending ages on the toilet stinking the house out, always has to be right in all situations and his selfishness has become a complete joke. He puts himself before the kids, he also always uses the word geezer, Just to think of him makes my skin crawl.
I have tried talking to him countless times about his habits, encouraging him to eat a little less etc but he says it’s his life.
Bottom line is I am stuck. I feel I can’t leave because my ds age 6 would be inconsolable although a mummys boy he has separation issues and anxiety and never likes to be apart from me.
we have a beautiful new home. Without him I would not even have enough for a small flat. My childrens lifestyle would change. I could never give them what they have been used to.
Do I stay living like this or do something drastic……..

OP posts:

fallfallfall · 30/10/2022 09:11

If he’s not interested in changing health and habit issues, he’s probably equally unhappy and feeling “stuck”. Both of you will most likely be happier apart. And happier means better role models for the children.

CarefreeMe · 30/10/2022 09:15

Honestly he sounds just as unhappy as you - putting on weight, staying in the toilet for so long etc doesn’t sound like a happy relationship.

I think you’re ridiculous for being so annoyed at him clearing his throat or using the word geezer and it sounds very much like these are your issues and why should he have to stop saying a word because it annoys you.

He could lose the weight, stop clearing his throat, stop using the bathroom at home and everything else and you will still find a way to be repulsed at him.

You need to separate. End of.

Can you really imagine another 14 years of this?

So what if you can only afford a small flat.
It’s better than being in a loveless relationship, which your DS will pick up on btw.

roarfeckingroarr · 30/10/2022 09:16

He sounds awful and I've no idea why you're getting grief here OP. Surely this is a place we can air our grievances without having to caveat with "I'm sure I'm not perfect either".

Leave him. He's disrespectful and that's unattractive, let alone the rest. Your kids will be fine as long as you keep it amicable. Move to a slightly cheaper area if need be. You can't live with someone who repulses you.

boredOf · 30/10/2022 09:20

Leave

ParsnipsAndPies · 30/10/2022 09:21

If the physical attraction has gone (and nobody can help what they find attractive - it is what it is) and he's so selfish and disrespectful, you need to separate for your sanity and to give the poor lamb the chance to find a woman who finds his particular characteristics alluring (I'm sure they'll be beating a path to his door).

Original poster

Jennastar · 30/10/2022 09:23

@roarfeckingroarr thank you ! Good job I have a thick skin. Some people are really so bitter x

OP posts:

Original poster

Jennastar · 30/10/2022 09:24

@JOFFCV thank you. X

OP posts:

Jarofhoney · 30/10/2022 09:30

He sounds repulsive OP! It's not the weight, it's how it happened and what it represents.

It probably disgusts you because it was gained by overeating and drinking which is greedy and not moving enough, which is lazy. This laziness is now selfishness because it means he sits about and does nothing with the kids, the house etc. His weight gain also shows he has given up and doesn't care what you think of him anymore. It shows that he doesn't care to make an effort as he thinks you won't ever leave, he takes you for granted.

This leaves you repulsed! Doesn't help that he stinks the house out.

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 30/10/2022 09:41

So you stay with a repulsive man for the next however many years because of a house ? Good luck with that. And don't blame the kids for staying that's a cop out. Kids adjust just fine ask anyone else who has the guts to get out

CarefreeMe · 30/10/2022 09:42

He sounds awful and I've no idea why you're getting grief here OP. Surely this is a place we can air our grievances without having to caveat with "I'm sure I'm not perfect either".

Imagine a man posting about how his wife has put on weight, does smelly poos and clear her throat and that she repulses him and the only reason he’s staying is for the money and big house - he would be destroyed on here.

If OP doesn’t like this man then she can leave but it’s very unfair to stay with someone you hate just because you want to maintain your current lifestyle.

Original poster

Jennastar · 30/10/2022 09:43

This is exactly correct, thank you for really understanding. It’s like he deliberately does things to upset me and enjoys it.
I have spoken to him about his toilet issue and that the smell is abnormally bad and he said he knows and that his poo is all mushy sorry for tmi but will NOT seek help. He has bad breath often too as never brushes his teeth at night. I chose to not share a bed over that and still he continues to neglect them. Recently he got diagnosed with gum disease.

I just can’t live with this. Xx

OP posts:

Knulp · 30/10/2022 09:46

If he could change to the man he was 3 years ago, would everything be ok? or have you always felt like this and now it's just too hard to handle?

bonzaitree · 30/10/2022 09:47

You need to split so that you both feel comfortable in your own homes.

Original poster

Jennastar · 30/10/2022 09:48

@CarefreeMe if my partner posted that it would be his right. He should not receive any more grief than I have.
when I posted this I knew some people would come for me but I am thick skinned and knew it would not phase me.
I also knew I would get some helpful comments and find some people that may understand.
The weight thing is an issue because he is now clinically obsesse. His gp has said he must lose weight.

OP posts:

Bestcatmum · 30/10/2022 09:53

I think you need to tell him straight OP that you find him repulsive and he makes you sick. Give him a real fright into reality.
I wouldn't be able to live with that either.
It needs to come out into the open. He probably thinks he's God's gift.
He needs to wake up. He'll end up with a heart attack or diabetes at this rate.

focuspocus · 30/10/2022 09:54

If he repulses you then you are just likely to get more resentful of him. Staying with that is going to have an impact on you and the kids. If you don't think he wants to change or is capable of change then leaving seems the best option. Hopefully as DC they little would take to downsizing with less issues.

oviraptor21 · 30/10/2022 09:54

If you think there is no chance that your feelings about him will ever change then I cannot see any advantage in staying together.
If you are concerned about not having a house, have you considered shared ownership?

cortisolqueen · 30/10/2022 09:57

OP - is it possible that his attitude is a front because he doesn't know/doesn't have motivation to help himself?

For example, if being overweight and having digestion issues is worrying him, but he can't face (or is scared to) addressing it? If there's a chance of this, couples counselling may help.

But otherwise you really need to make the leap as it sounds like you're both unhappy.

Baileysoncereal · 30/10/2022 10:12

These posts are all the same
But children don’t grow up thinking gosh I’m so happy I grew up in a house where my parents were repulsed by each other, it was a super nice environment, I was really glad they did that, for me, effectively making me responsible for it.
and I got to keep that nicer big house. I saw great role models there, and I’ll model my own relationship on this, so it worked out great.
i just don’t get the I have to stay here for me kids thing at all, when things are clearly fucked and no one is doing anything to fix them.

from everything you’ve said though, it doesn’t sound like you’ve actually spoken to the guy. Like a sit down serious conversation about the state of your relationship. But maybe it’s too late now.

knittingaddict · 30/10/2022 10:21

I think the op needs to leave if she finds him repulsive. There are some very good reasons to split, but I don't like this post at all.

I have IBS. My shits are definitely toxic and I can spend ages on the loo.
Of course it's a sign of ill health, that can't be helped. People with this condition feel bad enough without adding it to the "repulsive" list.

I don't really know why the op mentioned it. Everyone shits. Rarely does it smell sweet.

Of course I'm not saying that the op's partner has IBS.

knittingaddict · 30/10/2022 10:22

hamstersarse · 30/10/2022 08:22

I’m repulsed just reading your post.

The toilet thing sends me under. I’ve no idea why people think it’s normal to have such toxic shits, when it’s actually a reflection of how unhealthy you are. Eewwwww.

However, I do think you are right in your instinct that a break up is not a good thing for children (I’m divorced so know the potential impact). Yet, what you do is difficult….I wonder if marriage counselling is an option?

Sorry lost the quote. I was responding to this post.

Intru · 30/10/2022 10:25

Perhaps you leaving could be the change that he needs to start looking after himself better.

CarefreeMe · 30/10/2022 10:26

These posts are all the same

But children don’t grow up thinking gosh I’m so happy I grew up in a house where my parents were repulsed by each other, it was a super nice environment, I was really glad they did that, for me, effectively making me responsible for it.
and I got to keep that nicer big house. I saw great role models there, and I’ll model my own relationship on this, so it worked out great.

i just don’t get the I have to stay here for me kids thing at all, when things are clearly fucked and no one is doing anything to fix them.

I completely agree.

They are both completely miserable and hate and resent each other which the child will pick up on.

They would rather live in a flat than stay in this toxic environment.

HailOWeen · 30/10/2022 10:32

His weight gain also shows he has given up and doesn't care what you think of him anymore.

Haha I hope you respond like this next time you hear a man complain that his partner got fat.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2022 10:38

What do you think is having more impact on your child, a nice house or being aware that mum hates and resents dad and thinks he’s disgusting?

The atmosphere in your lovely looking house must be toxic, no wonder he’s got separation anxiety, he’s probably stressed out of his head watching and listening to you picking holes in his father.

He knows he’s made up of both of you, it’s profoundly damaging for him to see how much you despise his dad.

If you want to stay for the material benefits being with him gives you - you not your son - then own it. Don’t hide behind your kid when the way you’re both behaving is damaging his childhood.

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