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Original poster

Discussing termination

89 replies

ScaredNewby · 28/10/2022 22:37

Totally new to everything so not sure if this will help, but here goes with some context and my search for help:

Im 27, and I found out 1wk ago that I'm pregnant. It is unplanned, and I don't know how far along I am for another 3 days until my first scan.
I was being checked for PCOS before finding out, and am told that my bloods support the diagnosis.

Now, my fiancé (52M), has 2 kids, one from his teenage years and a teenager from his ex-wife. When we got together about 2.5yrs ago we were open about what we wanted, especially given the age gap. I said I wanted a settled life, marriage and a kid. He wanted the settled and marriage but wasnt sure about the kid... sure, we'll figure out how WE go and then we can talk more down the line. So we get engaged this year, made big plans for our future and start living our lives.

Then we find out I'm pregnant. The first few days were tough on both of us, neither knowing how to act and both getting it wrong. He is in favour of terminating the pregnancy, I am not. I'm trying very hard to talk openly and objectively to him to understand his point of view. I think he's doing the same (tough to tell with the hormones!) and I want to be as amicable as possible. The last thing I want is to just give rise to resentment on either side for the final decision one of us won't be happy with. He's really not being a d!ck and he's made some very valid points, I just don't know if they're enough for me to be comfortable with a termination.

What do I do, knowing that the biggest decision in either of our current lives is in my hands alone, that one of us will be unhappy either way and that there is no way to compromise on this!?

OP posts:

dontputitthere · 28/10/2022 22:45

If I'm honest it sounds like he doesn't want kids.

He's been a bit shady by saying 'we'll see'. I've seen it on here a lot. Blokes are non committal about it and hope it just goes away when the woman hits peri.

So the plan was to decide further down the line. Well it's been 2.5 years and you're engaged. Why is he saying no? Surely you're more settled this would be the ideal time to have kids?

Does he say when he would want kids? Or is it just a straight out no forever?

But you do want kids. You've been upfront about that. I would be finding out first whether he truly sees having a fourth child at his age.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2022 22:49

He could have easily gotten a vasectomy if he wanted to ensure that he never got a partner pregnant. He didn't, you are pregnant, and you are the one who gets to decide if this child is born. That's just the way it is.

If you want a child, if you can support a child as a single parent, (which may be the end result), I wouldn't be having a termination given your medical issues.

Annabananna1 · 28/10/2022 22:51

52 is a pretty advanced age to be happy about having another child. Especially if he has been child rearing since his late teens.
I can sympathise with him to an extent.

However he knew the risks. The risks of having sex. And having a much younger partner who did want children. He could have taken practical steps to ensure this didn't happen. But he didn't.

You don't want to terminate, you admit that. And that's understandable. But prepare to go it alone. He may not be the supportive father / partner you hope he will be.

It sounds like it's more about how you move forward with the relationship now that you are having a baby, than a discussion about whether you keep it or not.

dontputitthere · 28/10/2022 22:52

Oh god yeah I meant to say YOU decide for you

This is totally your choice on the termination aspect

I was just talking about him and his motivation. If you want to work things out with him.

But I don't think he'll ever be 'ready'. So you have to decide what to do on the basis that he will probably never actually want another child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2022 22:53

Do you want the baby if he ends your relationship and you’re on your own?

Is he saying not now so terminate and he’ll think about it again in the future or has this pushed him to admit he doesn’t want more kids and that part of his life is behind him?

What was the outcome of the discussions before you got engaged?

If he’s 52 and had a child in his teens they could be old enough to be your parent, but he knew that when he decided to date you and agree to marry you.

vipersnest1 · 28/10/2022 22:54

It depends on how strongly you feel, @ScaredNewby.
If you feel like you desperately want to have this baby, that's what you do, but remember he might well not be in the picture at this point, as he had already told you he doesn't want another child.
Having said all of that (and I'm sure you know this), I would say go with your heart, but also know that having a baby is a lifelong commitment.
Only you can decide if that's right for you just now.
I had a termination whist in a marriage. While I'm very sad about it (many years later), I know it wasn't the right time to bring a baby into the world with parents who weren't committed to each other.
I really hope you can find a solution that you're happy with.

Luckynumbereight · 28/10/2022 22:56

Jeez to be 63 and have a 10 year old. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

TheSausageKingofChicago · 28/10/2022 22:57

For you the consideration is if you feel you can go it alone. If you terminate for him, where does that leave you? You want children and you want this child. Would you be committing to a child free future by going ahead and marrying him?
These are big questions at a vulnerable time in your life.
I can see why he might not want to start again with babies, but I can also see how hard that makes things for you. I’d recommend a session with a counsellor if you can - lots of UK family planning clinics have someone you can see to talk it through.

itwasntmetho · 28/10/2022 23:00

A 52 year old who doesn’t want children has no business going out with a 27 year old who does. Selfish cunt.

Original poster

ScaredNewby · 29/10/2022 08:09

We have had mini fallouts in the past because I've been taking the pill, and wanted to come off of it for various medical reasons (not to get pregnant) so we discussed his willingness to ensure the prevention of pregnancy through other measures and admittedly they were unenthusiastic/non-commital.

I agree with him that logically now is a difficult time for us to introduce a baby, that if we just waiting a few more years that things would be much more secure for it. But he can only say he would "reconsider".

He won't walk away and leave me to it on my own if I keep, but I can't face alienating him by forcing him into a situation he's been clear about not wanting, and not being the right timing for. He's stated he will stick by me. I honestly think it would be just as "selfish" for me to keep as it is for him to want to terminate this. If it came to losing him or the pregnancy, I would choose to keep him. But I have a long-term history (and current spike) in anxiety & depression so we're both concerned about my wellbeing regardless of the outcome.

Ugh, why is this so hard!

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 29/10/2022 08:17

He isn't going to want a baby later. He's on the old side now, and will obviously only be older. If he doesn't want a ten yr old at 63, he won't want one at 65.

You have to choose, do it knowing that there is no baby with this man in your future.
This man was prepared to say 'maybe' and 'not just yet' when he really means 'not at all'.
This man would prefer to keep you on the pill than him take measures to avoid a pregnancy.
This man is engaged to a fertile woman almost half his age, doesn't want a child with her, but takes no responsibility for contraception.

This man is not a keeper.

If you have PCOS, is conception harder for you? This might be the only dc you conceive.

Dery · 29/10/2022 08:30

“You have to choose, do it knowing that there is no baby with this man in your future.

This man was prepared to say 'maybe' and 'not just yet' when he really means 'not at all'.

This man would prefer to keep you on the pill than him take measures to avoid a pregnancy.
This man is engaged to a fertile woman almost half his age, doesn't want a child with her, but takes no responsibility for contraception.

This man is not a keeper.”

As a PP said, he was very selfish getting together with you when he knew you wanted children and you were at such different life stages. I don’t blame him not wanting to start again with a baby at 52 but he should have left you alone to find someone closer to you in age. An age gap like the one you have is problematic - when you’re 50, he’ll be 75. Do you really want that?

dontputitthere · 29/10/2022 08:32

Urgh. Yeah. He's kept you dangling with promises. he never intends to change his mind.

He's with someone half his age who wants kids. You've got nothing to feel bad about. You have been honest with him.

He doesn't. He is past it. But he hasn't been honest with you and given you an outright no.

If you stay with this man (and don't want to upset him) you'll never have kids.

Do you have PCOS? Or was it a scan to diagnose it? Ive had it. It made conceiving an exhausting traumatic time. What have your drs said?

I'm afraid you have to make your decision based on these facts. Please do believe the manyana manyana cry of this man. He will never want a child. I'm afraid you have to consider your future very carefully. When one person wants a baby and the other doesn't it usually means incompatibility and resentment.

GrumpyPanda · 29/10/2022 08:33

I honestly think it would be just as "selfish" for me to keep as it is for him to want to terminate this.

Don't let yourself get sucked into this type of false equivalency thinking. It's your body and it's you who would have to go through the potentially traumatizing experience of terminating an existing pregnancy. That doesn't even begin to compare with him wanting/not wanting another child at this stage, especially when he could have prevented the pregnancy by stepping up in the first place.

You saying you would rather him than the baby if push came to shove - well, either he supports you unconditionally in whatever you decide, even if he has different personal preferences. Fine and dandy if so. OR he actually puts pressure on you by presenting you with this type of ultimatum, in which case would you really want somebody capable of that?

dontputitthere · 29/10/2022 08:33

Do NOT believe the Manyana Cry!

Meowsaidthecat · 29/10/2022 08:40

If you abort please leave, find someone your own age who does want kids.

If he doesn't want a kid at 52, there's no way in hell he'll want a kid later on when he's even closer to collecting his pension. He's to old.

Ofcourseshecan · 29/10/2022 08:41

he knew the risks. The risks of having sex. And having a much younger partner who did want children. He could have taken practical steps to ensure this didn't happen. But he didn't.

OP, you have to make this decision for yourself. He may or may not stay with you if you have a child. But do you really want to be married to an old-age pensioner when you have teenage DC?

I think the age gap is far too big. You’d go from looking after kids to looking after him.

category12 · 29/10/2022 08:43

I'd choose to carry on the pregnancy. You want the baby. You likely have PCOS and who knows how that may affect your fertility in future. You know you want children as part of your life plan.

I get quite angry about older guys who've already had families, who get with young women and expect them to miss out on having children. He wants you to wait and see if he changes his mind in a few years? Realistically at 52, in a few years, it's unlikely he's going to feel more like having sleepless nights etc all over again, is it?

I'd choose the pregnancy. Congratulations.

TeenDivided · 29/10/2022 08:44

I'd choose to carry on the pregnancy. You want the baby. You likely have PCOS and who knows how that may affect your fertility in future. You know you want children as part of your life plan.

I agree.

Theskyisfallingdown · 29/10/2022 08:45

‘This man would prefer to keep you on the pill than him take measures to avoid a pregnancy.
This man is engaged to a fertile woman almost half his age, doesn't want a child with her, but takes no responsibility for contraception.’
THIS.

Once you’re a bit older you will be annoyed at yourself for throwing away years of your life on this rotten scammer. He has no business indulging his ego by dating someone young enough-easily- to be his child and recklessly impregnating you and trying to make you abort his consequences. You said you want a kid. So plan for lone parenting, this shitty bloke is worthless pass him on to the next woman.

whitneyh · 29/10/2022 08:48

I think you realistically have to try and consider how you’ll feel in three years if he says no to having a baby ever. He also definitely is going to - he’d be 55!

if you want to have children, I think you should keep this baby. Or your alternative is to terminate, but then probably also consider your relationship over. You’re so young you can find someone else to build a family with x

MrMrsJones · 29/10/2022 08:49

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2022 22:49

If you want a child, if you can support a child as a single parent, (which may be the end result), I wouldn't be having a termination given your medical issues.

Definitely this...

You told him you wanted children, he chose to get engaged, have sex with you without taking precautions (vasectomy)

caffelattetogo · 29/10/2022 08:52

You want a baby. You are not being selfish. He should support you, but if he doesn't, then have the baby by yourself. If he pushes you to abort your baby, your relationship will be over anyway. There will be no 'reconsideration' in a few years. He is being unfair even suggesting this.

MrMrsJones · 29/10/2022 08:53

A life with him means no children and a man who is 25 yrs older than you, so you will end up caring for him, perhaps that's why he doesn't want children.

Querty123456 · 29/10/2022 08:54

Certainly don’t get drawn into any bollocks about terminating now and then trying again in a few years when things are better etc. it’s just a ruse to get you to get the termination. It’s happened to me twice and now I’ll never have a family (too old now).

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