Discussing termination

[ScaredNewby]

Totally new to everything so not sure if this will help, but here goes with some context and my search for help:

Im 27, and I found out 1wk ago that I'm pregnant. It is unplanned, and I don't know how far along I am for another 3 days until my first scan.
I was being checked for PCOS before finding out, and am told that my bloods support the diagnosis.

Now, my fiancé (52M), has 2 kids, one from his teenage years and a teenager from his ex-wife. When we got together about 2.5yrs ago we were open about what we wanted, especially given the age gap. I said I wanted a settled life, marriage and a kid. He wanted the settled and marriage but wasnt sure about the kid... sure, we'll figure out how WE go and then we can talk more down the line. So we get engaged this year, made big plans for our future and start living our lives.

Then we find out I'm pregnant. The first few days were tough on both of us, neither knowing how to act and both getting it wrong. He is in favour of terminating the pregnancy, I am not. I'm trying very hard to talk openly and objectively to him to understand his point of view. I think he's doing the same (tough to tell with the hormones!) and I want to be as amicable as possible. The last thing I want is to just give rise to resentment on either side for the final decision one of us won't be happy with. He's really not being a d!ck and he's made some very valid points, I just don't know if they're enough for me to be comfortable with a termination.

What do I do, knowing that the biggest decision in either of our current lives is in my hands alone, that one of us will be unhappy either way and that there is no way to compromise on this!?

As much as I understand that you’re upset about the responses on here, it’s probably a good indicator of the fears and conversation your friends and family have for you.

This man has children older than you. There’s a reason he perused a 24 year old- it’s likely because women of his age would see him coming from a mile off.

I was in your position earlier this year (minus the age gap)
DH and I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old and found out I was unexpectedly pregnant again, he wanted to terminate as the thought of 3 under 3 terrified him and he just didn't want anymore kids, I wanted to keep it as ive always wanted more than 2, and for me personally, I don't agree with terminating (but do believe each person should be able to make their own decisions so no judgement from me). I told him after about a week that I was keeping it, it took him a few more weeks and the first scan for him to accept that decision, but he has come round to the idea now, but he does still have reservations.

There is no right or wrong answer. In your situation though, if he doesn't want a baby now, he certainly isn't going to want one in a few years when he's even older. If I were you, I'd make my decision based on whether I wanted a baby or not, ignore any factors that say whether it's a good or bad time, and just decide if you want to be a mum. If you do, you're best bet is to keep this one as it might not happen again, if you don't or aren't fussed, then terminate and keep what you have with your DP. But make sure it is your decision.

Well, I must say that I'm horrified at the responses here. I thought this was supposed to be a supportive place and I was actually recommended here but definitely soured by the judgemental and presumptuous approach taken by many of you.

Without knowing the history of either of us, you've managed to upset me enourmously by hating on my fiancé who I know, love, and entered a relationship with voluntarily, knowing there could be conflict about children later down the line.
Whilst some of the thread must have been hard to read for you in your situation OP, most poster probably have good intentions.
It is highly unlikely that a man with older children, who has been non-committal about children with you, and who wants you to terminate a pregnancy now is likely to change his mind.

Your fertility is never a given, and he may never decide he wants a baby with you.

If you are happy to spend your life with this man after ending this pregnancy, and never have children of your own, then terminate the pregnancy and br at peace with being child free.

If you think that children are something you definitely want from life, then it doesn't matter how much you love him or how nice a man he is, you're not compatible with each other long term because you want different things.

If you're not sure which position you're in then consider this. Whilst age gaps shouldn't be the be all and end all, would you be happy spending decades with this man, spend your prime adult years with a soon to be/actual pensioner, and the relationship ends when you're in your 40s and you can't have children for whatever reason. Would you be content being child free in your 40s knowing the only reason you didn't have children was because your ex wanted you to get an abortion?

Tell him to find someone his own age if he just wants to settle down. Sounds like he's a retired old man that doesn't want the responsibility of looking after a child.

You might not think he's so supportive and wonderful one day when things don't last and it's too for you to have a baby. Lots of women end up in that position.

The fact that he can only say he'll reconsider in a few years, keeping you on the line at a time when your childbearing years are trickling through your fingers, says volumes about how much he cares about you and the portion of your life that you'll live alone after his death.

This old fellow is a future faking selfish cunt.

Sorry you don’t want to hear the vast majority of the replies that are based on what you wrote. Fact is this man has a kid that’s older than the vulnerable young woman he feels entitled to waste years of your life and refuses to use contraception. That’s irredeemable.
Make your choices based on your wants and your health.

She isn’t a prisoner. She could have walked away as easily as he could have. I think they have both been I’ll advised in pursuing this relationship whilst at different life stages and wanting different things.

This!

Speaking from experience, when you’re in your 20s, older men do seem amazing, because compared to men in their 20s they really are. The thing is, by the time those men in their 20s mature into their 30s and 40s, they get much better! You’re only 27. I think you should find someone in the same life stage as you who wants a family too. I promise you’ll find that the men are vastly improved from when you started dating. 27 is such a wonderful age to be a woman and find yourself in this world, don’t spend it with someone who is wasting your time. Even if he is lovely and supportive and the best man you’ve dated so far.

Why would you want to saddle a child (actually a human being; they grow out of childhood pretty quickly) with a father who will be nearly 53 years old at its birth? Why? And why would you want a mate who is 25 years older. Have you contemplated what life will be like when you are 50 and he is 75?

I understand the allure of older men and dated plenty of them, even felt "in love" a couple of times, in my 20s and 30s. Now I am truly glad I am not looking after an 80-year-old or worse. And why would you want a teenager to have a 70-year-old father?

Please really give this a good hard think. Not about yourself and what you want at the moment, but the actual life you would be letting the new human being in for. Wouldn't it be better to have a father of the appropriate age? And one who is very enthusiastic rather than begrudging about being a dad? Isn't that the least we owe our offspring?

He was/is too old for you.
He was old enough to be your Dad when you got together.

I honestly don't mean to be offensive but you could do with counselling for why you coupled up with a man twice your age. It's a very strange thing for a woman to do unless she's, ahem, financially motivated and he's wealthy or she's from a deprived country and needs a visa/money. That doesn't sound the case with you.

Now you're pregnant - which he apparently also knowingly took the risk of happening - if you don't want to terminate, don't. That's not selfish. He knowingly took the risk and you're a young woman who was likely to fall pregnant easier than an older one.

If you do choose to terminate, you are young enough to have plenty of time to meet another partner and have kids

If he doesn't want one know, it's highly highly unlikely he'll want one later. He's only getting older. He's into middle age. You are not even 30.

*now

This is a zombie thread, she's either at least 6 months gone by now or had a termination. Discussion is futile.