Discussing termination

[ScaredNewby]

Totally new to everything so not sure if this will help, but here goes with some context and my search for help:

Im 27, and I found out 1wk ago that I'm pregnant. It is unplanned, and I don't know how far along I am for another 3 days until my first scan.
I was being checked for PCOS before finding out, and am told that my bloods support the diagnosis.

Now, my fiancé (52M), has 2 kids, one from his teenage years and a teenager from his ex-wife. When we got together about 2.5yrs ago we were open about what we wanted, especially given the age gap. I said I wanted a settled life, marriage and a kid. He wanted the settled and marriage but wasnt sure about the kid... sure, we'll figure out how WE go and then we can talk more down the line. So we get engaged this year, made big plans for our future and start living our lives.

Then we find out I'm pregnant. The first few days were tough on both of us, neither knowing how to act and both getting it wrong. He is in favour of terminating the pregnancy, I am not. I'm trying very hard to talk openly and objectively to him to understand his point of view. I think he's doing the same (tough to tell with the hormones!) and I want to be as amicable as possible. The last thing I want is to just give rise to resentment on either side for the final decision one of us won't be happy with. He's really not being a d!ck and he's made some very valid points, I just don't know if they're enough for me to be comfortable with a termination.

What do I do, knowing that the biggest decision in either of our current lives is in my hands alone, that one of us will be unhappy either way and that there is no way to compromise on this!?

@CMarie1990 you need to start your own thread in the Pregnancy Choices section. This thread is about an OP who wants a kid, that’s who people are replying too, on this thread.

Why TF did you think having a child with a 52yo was a bright idea? You also knew that there was a possibility of this happening so half the fault lies with you. He didn't keep you dangling- you knew he was unsure. 52??

He knew you wanted one. He didn't let you go. Now it's happened. You're a person not a present for him! You want to be a mum and you'll love your baby. Do not stay with someone selfish enough to break your heart like this.

Think of what you want for your future offspring.

A resentful elderly father who will be dead when they are young adult?

In your shoes i would terminate and find a suitable life partner who isn't twice your age. I find it surprising you would hook up with an older man if you wanted traditional marriage and kids.

You're engaged to a total prick.

I'd keep the baby- you have pcos, and conception in the future might be hard. I'd dump him and focus on coparenting, but expect him to be uncooperative.

Why get engaged to someone so so much older than you when you want to start a family! He is too old really! Hell be in his 70s when this baby is 21!

If he doesn't want a kid now, he's not going to want one in a few years either. It's now or never with him. So if you terminate and stay with him, you will have to accept never having children.

He may then leave you anyway at some point, and you may be past the point of being able to conceive. How would that feel?

You want a child. You have a child growing inside you. You have fertility issues. This may be your only chance to be a mother.

He sounds very selfish and unreliable. Has children with 2 different women already? How would life look for you as a single parent?

Ultimately if you want a baby then have the baby

Given your difficulties is he relying on you not being able to get pregnant again

This relationship should never have got to this stage. You both are at different places in your life and you both fundamentally want different things.
Either way you are in a relationship that more than likely might not survive which ever choice you make.

If you have the baby it will put a lot of stress on the relationship and he might leave . It would be the worse scenario if he stayed. There is one thing doing everything as a single parent . I know a few and whilst they won’t deny it is hard work knowing everything is up to them. They also say it is brilliant because everything is up to them. They don’t have another person they have to take into account of or to question themselves over every action, want or need and how it affects the other person. They are the happiest people I know whilst the unhappiest ones are those that are the married or living together single mums.

If you do decide to terminate then your Dp will be happy but will you?

As the years tick by will and you find that this was the only chance you had to get pregnant the resentment will grow. (He hasn’t changed his mind in not wanting children. He has just kicked telling you down the road) Given this scare who is to say he goes off and has the snip in secret (happened to a friend) and strings you along until it is too late for you

The question is will you feel happy with a child but no relationship or childless without the relationship.

You want children, you are pregnant then have the child.

No way. The fault lies with him for not getting a vasectomy and for stringing along someone who he knew wanted kids when he didn’t. What was he thinking, with his additional life experience, getting with a 25 year old who is likely to want the same family opportunities he had.

tbh if he had a kid in his teens he doesn’t sound very responsible when it comes to his sexual choices.

Don’t know the ages of his last 2 wives but I get the feeling for him it is about how old you are rather than who you are

You say he had his first in his teens so presumably his wife was in her teens.

Did he then leave her when she got a bit older to go with a younger woman who then got older and now he is with you.

As someone who is married to someone who is in their 60s their is a huge difference between when Dh was 52 and when he was 62. I think it is why older women go for younger men

He’s been/is being very unfair. I don’t want children and when I was dating I was clear on the first date, no ‘maybes’ or ‘we’ll see’.

When I met my husband I was clear and he didn’t want children either and he got a vasectomy so I would never have to take any birth control I didn’t want to or ever have to go through an abortion or anything.

You need to decide if you want to be a single mother or a childless wife because I think they are your only options. He says he will stay if you keep the baby but I wouldn’t bank on it. I also wouldn’t bank in his behaviour staying as it has been while you haven’t got children together which may mean you want to leave him in the future.

Never, ever have an abortion you do not want. If you want this child, you should have it if you can.

I certainly disagree. You are responsible for your own choices. Sure we can blame him, but who is sitting now and crying in this situation?

You absolutely can’t be sure he won’t leave you. He’s got two kids by different mothers already. If you’d really rather risk never being a mum by aborting your baby and staying with him then that’s your answer but you need to be 100% sure that what he’s offering you is enough to make you happy for the rest of your life. If you’re not then consider what it looks like going it alone - that’s the very likely risk - and if you’ll be happier having a baby and being a mum. I don’t envy you at all but he’s already taken the piss with his unsure bollocks and not taking responsibility for contraception so you know he’s not that trustworthy.

but who is sitting now and crying in this situation?

from the sounds of it they both are

Well, I must say that I'm horrified at the responses here. I thought this was supposed to be a supportive place and I was actually recommended here but definitely soured by the judgemental and presumptuous approach taken by many of you.

Without knowing the history of either of us, you've managed to upset me enourmously by hating on my fiancé who I know, love, and entered a relationship with voluntarily, knowing there could be conflict about children later down the line.

He is THE most sensitive, supportive, thoughtful person I know and urging me to ditch him because he's clearly a "selfish c♡^t" is damaging to somebody who is only trying to reach out for help.

To those who have offered supportive suggestion and kind relation to their personal experiences, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to treat me like the terrified human being I am in this difficult and isolating time in my life.

@ScaredNewby I refer to you my post earlier about why you're in this relationship. Why you're clinging to this guy and the massive imbalance in power in your relationship

He is a cunt. Sorry that you don't want to hear it.

He knows you want a child. He frankly doesn't. If he loved you he would let you go and find someone compatible so you can have your family

People have been supportive. Massively so. It's just not what you want to hear.

It's important you make your decision based on what you want. Not because you don't want to upset him.

And I completely agree with the poster who said your relationship is probably doomed either way.

One person wanting a child and the other not is simply not something that can be compromised.

Sorry you're horrified by the responses.

I think when you're in love with someone, the temptation to "work out" major incompatibilities later on is huge.

But you do have to face up to it at some point. You can terminate and kick the can down the road a few years and keep going.

But:

• He doesn't want more children.

• You do want your own children.
• You also probably have PCOS with the fertility issues this may bring.
• It's unlikely him getting closer to 60 will inspire a new desire to relive the baby stage.

I think you're at different life stages and while you may love each other, it doesn't change that what you want next is different.

If you post in a public forum, people are going to have very different views because everyone is just so different OP.

If lots of people are saying the same thing then it might be worth thinking about them having a kernel of truth.

Whether intentionally or not (I have my view on that, but you wouldn't like it), he's been incredibly unfair on you.

If he's too old now, he'll be even older in a few years time. It's very unlikely he'll suddenly want a baby. He just doesn't want to close the door on it, because he may lose you. This may come from a place of love, but honestly if it was, then he let you go.

To get with someone in their 20's, who wants a family, and put her off, and off, keeping saying maybe, whilst she wastes her fertility years, is really wrong.

There's nothing wrong with an age gap relationship, but I think both of you have to accept that sometimes it means you want different things out ot life. That love isn't always enough.

I'm your position, and given the PCOS issues, I'd keep the baby. He's clearly not good at staying in relationships with the mother of his children anyway, so even if you had a baby with him in 5 years (if by some miracle he changed his mind), if his past history is anything to go by, you'd be doing it alone eventually in any event.

Realistically, the only way you're going to have children is either by keeping this baby (with our without the relationship), or by leaving him. And staying, knowing that you wanted the baby that he pushed your to abort, and you may never have a child, would likely end your relationship anyway.

I'm afraid we are older and have seen it all before. We have been swept off our feet, we've contorted ourselves to make our relationship work better, compromised because relationships are worth working at.

We waste so much time as young women, on things that aren't meant to be.

We only know what you have told us about him. We've based our conclusions on what you've said. How could we not?

So you have told us he doesn't want you to stop the pill. He knows it gives you health problems. He wants you to terminate. He knows you want a child.

That's where we are making our judgements.

Now maybe he's very sweet in person. Maybe he doesn't even realise what he's putting you through.

We do.

This is ridiculous. He is clearly a selfish man who has lied to you. You are very young and naive. He doesnt want a child and also doesnt want to use condoms.

He does not want to have a child. That's fine. But saying you can discuss it at a later date is not fine.

It IS a supportive place here but (to paraphrase the late great Terry Pratchett)

you’ll get the advice you know you need, not the advice you think you want.

This.

It’s obvious he’s doesn’t want anymore kids

I'm sorry you're upset about some of the responses. The fact is, many of us are much older and more experienced than you are and have either witnessed this scenario or actually lived through it. You still have rose coloured glasses one, we see the reality.

The reality is that your fiance does not want a baby and will never want a baby. You will be sacrificing your chance to be a mother if you abort and stay with him, and the chances are great that you will enormously regret it. I've known far too many women who made very similar choices you have and deeply regret squandering their chance to have a family for a relationship that crashed and burned anyway. It's tragic.

It's not just about her. Any offspring would just be more human flotsam and jetsam this irresponsible guy has left in his wake. I wouldn't want my child to be one of several by various baby mamas, esp to an aged sperm donor. Which btw is a risk factor for certain disabilities.