Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Discussing termination

89 replies

ScaredNewby · 28/10/2022 22:37

Totally new to everything so not sure if this will help, but here goes with some context and my search for help:

Im 27, and I found out 1wk ago that I'm pregnant. It is unplanned, and I don't know how far along I am for another 3 days until my first scan.
I was being checked for PCOS before finding out, and am told that my bloods support the diagnosis.

Now, my fiancé (52M), has 2 kids, one from his teenage years and a teenager from his ex-wife. When we got together about 2.5yrs ago we were open about what we wanted, especially given the age gap. I said I wanted a settled life, marriage and a kid. He wanted the settled and marriage but wasnt sure about the kid... sure, we'll figure out how WE go and then we can talk more down the line. So we get engaged this year, made big plans for our future and start living our lives.

Then we find out I'm pregnant. The first few days were tough on both of us, neither knowing how to act and both getting it wrong. He is in favour of terminating the pregnancy, I am not. I'm trying very hard to talk openly and objectively to him to understand his point of view. I think he's doing the same (tough to tell with the hormones!) and I want to be as amicable as possible. The last thing I want is to just give rise to resentment on either side for the final decision one of us won't be happy with. He's really not being a d!ck and he's made some very valid points, I just don't know if they're enough for me to be comfortable with a termination.

What do I do, knowing that the biggest decision in either of our current lives is in my hands alone, that one of us will be unhappy either way and that there is no way to compromise on this!?

OP posts:

5yearplan · 29/10/2022 08:58

Surely it’s not going to be the right time for him in a few years time either at his age.

What’s your situation at the moment? Do you live together? Own your own home? Both work? What are his plans for retirement? Start thinking about what it would look like if you kept the baby eg how long would you want for maternity leave etc. What family support do you have? How would things be if you were left on your own as a single parent?

Losinghope9 · 29/10/2022 09:04

I can't see him changing his mind and wanting another child in the future as he gets older and so does his children.

Im with a man 7 years my senior, when we first met we discussed children but now nearly 4 years later, it's completely changed, his kids are now teens, and he doesn't want to go back. I luckily have children of my own who are also heading to the teen age and I absolutely wouldn't now want to go back to the baby stage.

My point is, if you don't keep this baby, it may be that you need to reevaluate your relationship with him. Because it will come to the point of making the decision of a family or him, that may not be now but it could be in 5 year's. And that's such wasted time for you

5yearplan · 29/10/2022 09:05

How do you both feel about the age gap?

lightlypoachedeyeballs · 29/10/2022 09:08

I was in a situation with a previous partner where I ended up terminating when I didn't really want to, but thought at the time that I needed to if I was to keep the relationship. I ended up with no relationship and no baby, and serious regrets about the abortion.

Your situation is different but the advice is the same, only terminate if you really want to. It's a huge step. Having a baby is also a huge step but it's clear that you want children and that PCIOS may make that more difficult especially as you get older.

I agree with PP that he's unlikely to change and suddenly want a child with you later on.

I suspect that the reason the abortion decision is so hard is that you know deep down that the relationship is not likely to last either path and that must be so very hard for you both.

Keep talking with him honestly but please don't bow to pressure to abort if it doesn't feel right. Look into your heart and be honest with yourself about what you really want. The rest is logistics.

Good luck.

dontputitthere · 29/10/2022 09:10

Can I be brutally honest I think there's a reason why there's such a big age gap

You've mentioned mental health and perhaps you're not in a great place. And I'm really sorry. Mental health issues are extremely tough. And I really hope you're getting plenty of support.

I do wonder if your relationship with him is because you're craving that security of an older stable man. A father or saviour figure almost.

There's nothing wrong with an age gap relationship. But when you enter into it for the wrong reasons/there is an imbalance of power in the relationship it can be quite destructive.

If you are relying on him in this way it will make your relationship unbalanced. You're pinning everything on him.

You are going to choose his well being over your own. Think that what he wants is more important than your future. Because losing him would be devastating as he is the rock in your life.

I think you've given him power and importance in this relationship. Whereas in a healthy relationship people are equals.

I'm sorry I don't mean to throw all this at you. It was just something that really struck me.

I worry you'll make your decision firmly based with him in mind and not you. And this is a decision you will have to live with for the rest of your life.

Apologies if my psycho babble is shit. I hope you know what I mean

gannett · 29/10/2022 09:12

He doesn't want any more children and that's not going to change. If he doesn't want a baby at 52, I can't imagine what could suddenly make him want one at 54 or 55.

Lots of vitriol about he's a selfish cunt scammer deliberately stringing you along - I think it's more usual that men prefer to bury their heads in the sand/kick the can down the road on this matter, which isn't great but it's not malicious.

But regardless, it places you in the same situation. Boiled down you have two options:

Terminate. One possibility here is that you eventually come to terms with never having children and stay with your partner in a happy relationship. But more likely, you don't change your mind, you start resenting him and you split up anyway (as you are only 27 you'd have plenty of time left to find another partner to have a baby with).

Don't terminate. It's the mirror image of the above possibilities but trickier as the outcome depends on how much resentment he feels and whether he changes his mind (rather than you). He could well come round, step up and be a good dad. Or he could decide at any point it's a deal-breaker and split up.

There are two optimistic outcomes in those scenarios and I've seen both happen (the woman ends up happy child-free; the man steps up and is a good dad to a kid he didn't want). But they're also rare. In either case the most likely outcome is the negative one.

In other words, you'll likely split up over this at some point regardless. If you keep the baby, you at least have something you want.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/10/2022 09:21

You have to assume you are going to be a single parent, so focus on whether you want that or can afford it.

Can you cover maternity leave and can your salary plus contributions from him cover childcare and a home for you and the baby?

Go and see a solicitor if necessary to see how much he’d have to pay.

Do you have family who can provide practical and emotional support?

He doesn’t want a child at 52 with 2 kids fairly grown up. Few people would.

Even without that fact 25 years is a whopper age gap, so things might not have worked out anyway, and if they had, you have to take into account whether you want to be looking after him in old age.

If you don’t have a career going as yet, think hard about whether to continue, because you could be limiting your and the baby’s life chances if you’re going to be scraping by for 20 years.

Give yourself time to think, but be realistic - your future is a at stake here.

mac1974 · 29/10/2022 09:22

Unfortunately I agree with @gannett whatever the outcome in this situation it's going to impact your relationship. I think you ultimately need to decide if you want a life without having children. I can't see that a 52yo man will change his mind in the future. It's not an easy decision but I hope you figure out what is right for you.

itwasntmetho · 29/10/2022 09:24

But that IS the actions of a selfish cunt. The OP is in the prime of her life, he's past that and her youth, potential and life plans mean nothing to him.
I decent man would set her free the day she said she wanted a child.

AltheaVestr1t · 29/10/2022 09:24

This is your 100% your choice. I can tell you that in my experience very few people regret having their children, but a great many women regret being coerced into terminations against their wishes.

DuckDuckNo · 29/10/2022 09:28

So..

he wants to date a woman in her twenties
he does not want to take any responsibility over contraception
he wants you to terminate when the inevitable happens
he wants to continue as if nothing happened (don't kid yourself, he is never going to have children with you).

My recommendation? Decide FOR YOU if you want this child or not, and in either case, leave the man.

gannett · 29/10/2022 09:33

itwasntmetho · 29/10/2022 09:24

That would have been sensible but real life relationships aren't guided by sense very often. I don't think kicking an inconvenient can down the road because you've fallen in love makes you a cunt.

category12 · 29/10/2022 09:59

gannett · 29/10/2022 09:33

That would have been sensible but real life relationships aren't guided by sense very often. I don't think kicking an inconvenient can down the road because you've fallen in love makes you a cunt.

Show quote history

It's a pretty selfish kind of love though, that doesn't put his partner's interests first, but his own.

Billylilly · 29/10/2022 10:10

He is being a dick, actually. You made it clear from the start that you wanted children and he didn’t say no. You’ve now got engaged and incidentally pregnant and he doesn’t want it (but still won’t give a firm forever no to kids). It’s so very obvious he doesn’t want kids now or later. If you do decide to terminate I hope you do as others have done and leave him so that he doesn’t take away your chance to be a mum.

SD1978 · 29/10/2022 10:51

No bloke at 55 wants to do the baby thing again- so the we will see in a few years comment is bollocks. He's already old to be gathering a child- in several years will only be older and even less inclined than now. You want marriage and babies- I doubt many men at his age want babies again.

CMarie1990 · 29/10/2022 10:55

This reply has been deleted

We've deleted this post as it was posted on the wrong thread in error.

Dery · 29/10/2022 10:59

“I get quite angry about older guys who've already had families, who get with young women and expect them to miss out on having children. He wants you to wait and see if he changes his mind in a few years? Realistically at 52, in a few years, it's unlikely he's going to feel more like having sleepless nights etc all over again, is it?”

This. He’s been incredibly selfish - quite happy to steal from you your chance of having children because he’s already done it. I doubt he ever really intended to have more children but he knew he would lose you if he was honest about it. That’s why having such a big age gap in a relationship is problematic. You’re a young woman and he’s well into middle age. You’re at completely different life stages.

Beanie567 · 29/10/2022 11:01

If you want a child have this one. There won’t be another one with this particular man, he’ll make sure of it now!

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 29/10/2022 11:04

You're thinking of it as in you can either terminate or stay with him and be happy, but can you really find happiness staying with a man who convinced you to terminate a wanted pregnancy?

Branleuse · 29/10/2022 11:06

You have PCOS and might not get another chance. Why should he get to have kids raised by his ex, and you dont get to have a family? Selfish git. Of course if he decides to get with a woman half his age then she will likely want a kid.
Tell him to fuck off if he cant be supportive .

Im saying this as someone who is pro choice and has had an abortion myself that I dont regret, but I also have kids now that were wanted and theres no comparison.
Its your body. Your pregnancy. You have to follow your own heart here, especially with the infertility risk due to PCOS

RedHelenB · 29/10/2022 11:11

If you don't want to terminate then don't. But you may well end up as a single parent.

Weefreetiffany · 29/10/2022 11:11

the power imbalance here is so unequal it makes me sad for OP. Of course it’s natural to want to be a mum and not some old man’s trophy carer-in-waiting.

how do you see your life when you’re in your 30s and he’s in his 60s? 40s and 70s. What does he gain and what do you? Is he treating you as a means to and end, or an end in your own right?

gogohmm · 29/10/2022 11:14

He's 52, he has 2 kids! He's been non committal re kids in the past because he is getting what he want from you, stringing you along.

Go ahead but expect to be a single parent

wishingitwasfriday · 29/10/2022 11:16

Honestly, you both want different things in life. Whether or not you have the baby I don't think this is a long term relationship. He doesn't want a baby and will resent being a much older dad. You don't want a termination and will resent having one. He won't want a baby on a few years if he doesn't want one now.
Personally, if I was you I would terminate and then move on and find someone who wants the same things in life as you do. You are still so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. If you stay with this man and have his baby you will be looking after a teen in you early 40s whilst living with a pensioner.

Y7drama · 29/10/2022 11:17

Unfortunately I think he was keeping you dangling with the maybe. I don’t think he ever wanted more children but by saying maybe he’s keeping you onside. I think if you decide to have this child I would expect to be a single parent in the first few years. I hope it all works out for you OP. And I would really try to consider what your life may be when he’s 70 and you’re 45… I’m not trying to patronise at all and I wish you all the best.

Flip

1 2 3 4