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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex dp and homelessness

83 replies

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 08:48

Split up 18mths ago or so due to cheating and drugs. He's now clean and got a job etc and sees our son regularly. He's desperate to reconcile but there are issues so I'm not.
He's currently living with parents but there selling up to downsize and he will need to rent etc. He has assets, think collectable he can sell that are worth thousands. He also ahs a lot of debt which interest rates and impacting.
He's told me he will be homeless if his parnets sell and won't be able to afford to work or live. He's run the numbers.. I've told him to speak to debt advice or look on money saving expert etc and ask counsel about housing in bedsits etc. He can't afford maintenance he says.. He gives me 75 a month and that's it anyway.
I get the feeling he's pushing to move here again and reconcile due to money. Its a no form me but I feel super guilty, I don't wnat him to struggle.
How do I not worry about this and be supportive but distant?

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 28/10/2022 08:50

You don't have to be supportive, you don't have to suggest things for him to do to resolve this, in short it isn't your problem, if you think he's going to stop paying then go to CMS if you haven't already. He's a grown man and you've said he's got assets to sell so let him do that.

Don't get sucked in OP

user1471538283 · 28/10/2022 08:52

He is an adult and he is not your responsibility. He has to work this out. As long as you or his parents do things for him he will not grow up.

Live is hard but he has to manage this.

Original poster
Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 08:52

I know but I'm a worrier and helper naturally, which I need to stop I think. I find it very hard to grey rock him esp as he's my sons dad.

OP posts:
Ylvamoon · 28/10/2022 08:55

Don't feel guilty. He is an adult and able to sort himself out. This will be the "acid test" to see if he's really clean rather than being a phase. If he is in the system, there will be help and support available.

Just tell him you are not ready/ have moved on and his son needs food, clothes and a roof over his head so he can't just stop paying.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 28/10/2022 08:56

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 08:52

I know but I'm a worrier and helper naturally, which I need to stop I think. I find it very hard to grey rock him esp as he's my sons dad.

Well he obviously didn't give a shit about you and your son when he was out cheating and doing drugs! Think about that before you feel too sorry for him

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2022 08:56

He sees you as a soft touch and will continue to play on your heartstrings if you let him to your overall detriment. If he has collectibles worth thousands he can and should pay his child more than £75 a month.

He is financially responsible for his child so he should be paying maintenance and probably more than £75 a month too. Do use the CMS here and put them onto him; that money is for your child/his son after all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2022 08:59

Feeling guilty too implies wrong doing. What have you done wrong here; nothing so stop with feeling guilty about him.

I would think he feels no guilt even now for what he has put you and your son through. He is still an adult with agency. You cannot act as his rescuer and or saviour here; such approaches simply do not work.

Original poster
Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 09:06

Because he always says how well I'm doing and lucky.
The truth is I'm drowning trying to work full time, have a just starting primary child, pay for wrap around care, study and pay for everything on a single income.
I am fortunate as I made sensible financial decisions in early life that mean I have a teeny tiny mortgage on my low end of the market cheaper 3 bed or I'd be very screwed.

OP posts:
Naunet · 28/10/2022 09:23

He’s a user. This man is a grown adult, and whilst he’s hardly even providing for his son, he’s expecting other adults to provide for him. He’s pathetic and needs to grow up so that he can be a proper father. Your sympathy should be for your son for having such a shit dad, not him.

Starseeking · 28/10/2022 09:27

Do nothing, he's not your problem anymore.

The only thing you should ideally support is your DS relationship with his Dad until your DS is old enough to manage this himself.

You're not obliged to do anything else at all.

Starseeking · 28/10/2022 09:29

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 09:06

Because he always says how well I'm doing and lucky.
The truth is I'm drowning trying to work full time, have a just starting primary child, pay for wrap around care, study and pay for everything on a single income.
I am fortunate as I made sensible financial decisions in early life that mean I have a teeny tiny mortgage on my low end of the market cheaper 3 bed or I'd be very screwed.

It's not luck, you've worked hard and made good financial decisions. Your EX is trying to gaslight you into making you feel your life all happened by magic.

Ignore ignore ignore.

HermioneWeasley · 28/10/2022 09:36

OMG he’s an adult - ignore him. This problem is not of your making and it’s not your responsibility to solve.

Proteinpudding · 28/10/2022 09:55

Remind yourself that he's capable of finding a place to live and this isn't the emergency that he's making it out to be. It's really not unusual for single people to be unable to afford to live on their own, the issue is his expectations.
If he's working he'll be able to afford a flatshare/houseshare. He doesn't need to live with you.

nex18 · 28/10/2022 09:58

Give him the number for Citizens Advice and tell him to contact them. That’s your bit done.

Original poster
Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 09:58

Yeah I said a bedsit type deal at 400 pcm with bills round here is very affordable

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 09:59

Done that and links to money saving expert etc around debt clearance and saving

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 28/10/2022 10:06

I'm with previous poster. It's not good luck or fortunate you have managed to house yourself and your son. It's through making sacrifices and good planning. He is going to have to do the same.
Has he ever lived independently or always with you or his parents. Why are the parents selling up. Are they pushing him to be independent.

Original poster
Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 10:10

Complicated but sorta no and yes, married before but parents gifted house and his exw kept it due to kids. His choice.
Parents need to downsize urgently due to age/not suitable with mobility and cost of living issues

OP posts:
NotLactoseFree · 28/10/2022 11:03

Unfortunately, many addicts are perpetual "victims" - and this mindset is there whether they are sober or not. In victim mode, nothing is possible for him. Other people must solve his problems. Nothing is his fault.

There is nothing you can or should do. If you feel so guilty (you know it's irrational, but I also know from personal experience how easy it is to feel this way), let him off the £75 while he's finding somewhere to live. It's ridiculous, but that's something you can do that doesn't involve him moving in with you.

He needs to look for housing, make sure he's getting all the b benefits he's entitled to and generally learn to stand on his two feet. Does he have a sponsor? tell him to go speak to his sponsor, not you.

NotLactoseFree · 28/10/2022 11:04

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 10:10

Complicated but sorta no and yes, married before but parents gifted house and his exw kept it due to kids. His choice.
Parents need to downsize urgently due to age/not suitable with mobility and cost of living issues

Aaah, so he's always relied on other people. Am not surprised.

clpsmum · 28/10/2022 11:07

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 08:52

I know but I'm a worrier and helper naturally, which I need to stop I think. I find it very hard to grey rock him esp as he's my sons dad.

And he knows that and is manipulating you. His problem not yours be strong

Original poster
Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 11:11

I know this. Good idea ref the 75 but honestly it pays for half the after school bill so is useful but I can make it up if needed.
Main worry for me, is it means I'd lose any overnight care as he has ds 1 weekend a month now which I use to study and see friends. I'd miss that!

OP posts:
EthicalNonMahogany · 28/10/2022 11:31

You've given him all the good advice. You can lead a horse to water etc. Your work is holding the line, Iet him fail.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/10/2022 11:45

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 09:06

Because he always says how well I'm doing and lucky.
The truth is I'm drowning trying to work full time, have a just starting primary child, pay for wrap around care, study and pay for everything on a single income.
I am fortunate as I made sensible financial decisions in early life that mean I have a teeny tiny mortgage on my low end of the market cheaper 3 bed or I'd be very screwed.

Then I would sit him down and tell him this. He's burned his bridges with you, he will not be moving back in under any circumstances and he needs to sort out his own life. End of.

Do not entertain his immediate suggestion that you pay him for the childminding!!

NotLactoseFree · 28/10/2022 11:48

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2022 11:11

I know this. Good idea ref the 75 but honestly it pays for half the after school bill so is useful but I can make it up if needed.
Main worry for me, is it means I'd lose any overnight care as he has ds 1 weekend a month now which I use to study and see friends. I'd miss that!

It's totally not okay and I fully think he SHOULD pay it. But it does work as a way for you to assuage your guilt (albeit, misplaced guilt).

Nowhere for him to take Ds is an understandable concern. But I'm afraid I think this is often just another way for men like this to make sure they get what they want. But think about this - you will bend over backwards to facilitate a good relationship with his DS and he can't even be bothered to research housing options? Get angry, not guilty.